Like slithering monster creepers, we're slowly inching ever closer to Halloween. Yeah, I just called us all slithering monster creepers, what of it? Show some monster solidarity, you guys! Anyway, this week two major horror genres get their due: Stephen King and Zombies! Feast your eyes on these, plus some other spooky highlights.
Stephen King Adaptations:
Thursday, October 13 at 8pm, Saturday, October 15 at 6pm, and Sunday, October 16 at 12:30pm on AMC
Wash your car. Maintain your car. Keep the tires filled. Change the oil regularly. Just don't ever trust it to not run you down in a back alley.
Friday, October 14 at 2:15am and 5:45pm on AMC
Except for the telekinesis, religious zealotry, public menstruation, and mass murder, I think we've pretty much all lived this story, right? This Brian DePalma classic is basically just a documentary on being a teenager.
Friday, October 14 at 9:45am and Saturday, October 15 at 4am on AMC
John Turturro just WILL NOT get out of Johnny Depp
's yard and Johnny Depp
is starting to get TICKED.
Friday, October 14 at 1:45pm and Saturday, October 15 at 9am on AMC
Native American ghosts turn a dead toddler into a scalpel-wielding problem child.
Friday, October 14 at 8pm and Saturday, October 15 at 1am and 3pm on AMC
One of the most hilarious movies ever made, this thing involves butt-aliens, imaginary hideouts, and the craziest eyebrows Morgan Freeman
has ever glued onto his face. Check it out, for real!
Friday, October 14 at 11pm, Saturday, October 15 at 1pm, and Sunday, October 16 at 3:30am on AMC
A gypsy woman curses a man to lose tons of weight, but he is not as thrilled about it as you might expect.
Saturday, October 15 at 7pm on AMC
Definitely just DVR this and watch it after midnight while doing chores. Now you're involved!
Saturday, October 15 at 8pm and Sunday, October 16 at 10:30am on AMC
A rabid dog is having a really bad day and some lady and her kid have gotten on his LAST nerve.
Friday, October 14 at 12:15am and 11:45am and Sunday, October 16 at 1:30am on AMC
chills in a wheelchair for most of this 1985 werewolf movie.
Saturday, October 15 at 10pm and Sunday, October 16 at 7am on AMC
This is the original Kubrick masterpiece. But do you remember that awful TV remake from the '90s? Ugh, that miniseries was like a walnut in your Trick-or-Treat bag.
The Dark Half
Sunday, October 16 at 8:30pm on IFC
A novelist starts having his life taken over by a fictional alter-ego. Hey speaking of which, it's almost NaNoWriMo! How many novels will you write this time??
Dawn of the Dead (2004)
Thursday, October 13 at 9pm and Friday, October 14 at 5:30pm on Syfy
Tune in for the stellar first ten minutes, stick around for the unnecessarily good remainder.
Dance of the Dead
Saturday, October 15 at 7:30pm and 11:45pm and Sunday, October 16 at 2:45am on IFC
Here's a charming indie flick about a decidedly uncharming phenomenon: PROM. Haha, I bet you thought I meant zombies, but no, I meant prom. Anyway. Yeah. Zombies attack the prom.
The Walking Dead Season 1 Marathon and Season 2 Premiere
Sunday, October 16 at 2:30pm on AMC
Television's finest show about a zombie apocalypse returns this Sunday at 9pm, but why not get caught up with the entirety of Season 1 beforehand? God bless you, AMC.
Tuesday, October 11 at 10:30pm on IFC
Here's an early David Cronenberg film involving parasites that make people want to get it on with other people in their apartment complex. No offense to my neighbors, but I would NOT like that to happen.
The Wicker Man (1973)
Wednesday, October 12 at 12:30am on IFC
This is the original version (sorry, Nicolas Cage-camp fans!). In my opinion, more horror films should feature a mystical musical number halfway through.
Wednesday, October 12 at 9:30pm on IFC
Not officially a horror film, but scarier than most horror films? Dang, Zodiac
is scary, you guys!
Friday, October 14 at 12am on TBS
Again, not a horror film, but this movie has some of the most terrifying scares in cinema. Too bad about the ending. And the director's follow-up films. But still, that videotaped birthday party scene! So good.
Saturday, October 15 at 5pm & 9:15pm and Sunday, October 16 at 12:15am on IFC
What's Halloween without a big-budget Tim Burtonstravaganza?
The Last House on the Left (2009)
Sunday, October 16 at 10pm on Spike
I agree with people who bemoan the state of modern horror and how it's been mostly ruined by remakes, but I don't object to this film. I actually might prefer
it to the essentially unwatchable Wes Craven
original (it's so
unpleasant, you guys). Plus, hey look, it's Jesse Pinkman!
Bad Fun Things:
Tuesday, October 11 at 11am on AMC
Do you remember this movie? A space virus from hell infects an ocean vessel, incorporates the body parts of corpses, and then fires a shotgun at Jamie Lee Curtis
. Merchant-Ivory did some truly remarkable work in the '90s.
Clive Barker's Book of Blood
Wednesday, October 12 at 3am on Syfy
It's no Hellraiser
, but, you know, what is?
Freddy vs. Jason
Sunday, October 16 at 9am on Spike
Director Ronnie Yu took an insanely obvious premise and managed to make it pretty dang fun. The best scene is definitely when Kelly Rowland
tells Freddy Krueger off (see photo above). MORE movies should have that scene.
Sunday, October 16 at 8pm on Spike
Finally, practitioners of the Jewish faith got their own Exorcist
! Unfortunately it was this thing. On the upside: Cam Gigandet
! Or is that a downside? Not sure anymore.
What scary movies are YOU going to watch this week?