The Giants did it! They ruined Tom Brady’s year. (Sorry, Tom. Hopefully Giselle can make it all better.) Did you enjoy the big game? How ‘bout that Madonna, hey? Like how skinny did she look next to Cee Lo? She’s no dummy. Anyway, I’m still drunk, but duty calls: Welcome to the Second Annual TV.com Bowlies, awarded for noteworthy achievement in Super Bowl mega-shilling.
Most Disturbing Incorporation of a Falsetto-Singing Vestigial Twin
Cars.com. Hands down.
Best Reason Never to Eat M&Ms;, Ever
This ad, in which an anthropomorphized chocolate candy complained about her flesh-colored coating. It could be worse, I guess. She could have been a California Raisin.
Best Answer to the Question, “Whatever Happened to That Band ‘The Darkness’?”
Which, I kid you not, I asked a friend only last week. (To answer it, they’re shilling for Samsung. Hey—you try making a living as a glam rock band in the current economic climate.)
Best Answer to the Question, “Whatever Happened to That Band ‘The Cult’?”
They guided us through a visual history of the last 80 years of watery-beer-guzzling. Sadly, some rapper came along to ruin the ride. Enjoy the residuals, guys! We missed you.
Best Upstaging of Jerry Seinfeld by the Dancing Dwarf From Twin Peaks
This Acura ad. Honestly, Jerry. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Come to think of it, could you move aside? Thanks.
Best Objectification of a Male Athlete
David Beckham underwear for H&M.; Wisely, he kept his mouth shut.
Most Contradictory Message
Best Pee Stimulus
The folks at TaxAct.com can be proud tonight knowing they sent millions of Americans scrambling to the bathroom, and thousands more less-fortunate Americans scrambling to the bedroom to change their underwear.
Best Pee Stimulus (Runner-Up)
Howard Stern with a hose, teasing his upcoming turn on America’s Got Talent.
Best Commercial Featuring John Stamos, Yogurt Seduction and a Concussion
Oikos Yogurt from Dannon. Rejoice, Greece! You have reasons to be proud again.
Best Gran Torino Sequel
Clint Eastwood for Chrysler.
Creepiest Night-Stalking Dwarf Pedophile
Kia’s “Mr. Sandman,” who sprinkles glitter over his victims before climbing into bed to defile them.
Worst Use of Huskies
Suzuki’s Eskimo-themed Kizashi spot, which featured sled dogs bopping their heads to 50 Cent.
Best Twinkies Commercial
This post-apocalyptic, Ford-bashing ad for the Chevy Silverado.
Which Super Bowl commercials were your favorites this year? Let us know in the comments!