The 91st Annual Miss America Pageant happened on Saturday, and like most cultural events from 91 years ago, it felt just as relevant and dynamic as it must have when the pageant was started in 1921. Still, who wants to sit through the full human dog show when all you want to see is a bunch of sweet bikini shots anyway? For those of you who missed it, we've got the top sexiest moments of this year's show right here.
10. The poor guys who had to wrangle all fifty of these gals, get them looking in the same direction and not running up each other's backs, had their work cut out for them! Still, seeing these ladies stomp their feet, clap their hands in unison, and manage to rattle off their names was pure, sexy obedience!
9. Swimsuits! The guy working the swing cam that day was like, "They pay me for this?!" Every shot of the contestants was a lingering, luxurious pan so that we could fairly compare all the big backyards and thighs. Making sure the lumps are in the right place is 20 percent of the score. This one lost 110 pounds before competing and if you ask me, she's looking better than ever.
8. Diversity is so sexy. Mmm, there were two cafe-au-lait colored women on that stage!
How do they find all these sexy minxes anyway? I just figured truly beautiful women modeled for a living, but apparently they pay exorbitant fees to prepare for and compete in pageants.
7. What's sexier than ambition? Talent! Each performance was preceded by a clip of the contestant during her youth, doing pretty much the same talent routine at age five.
Like the announcer, ABC's offical harem-guarding eunuch Chris Harrison said, "Part of the joy of the show is knowing that five-year-old-kids are watching these women and saying 'Some day, I want to walk on stage and get a crown and flowers.'" The goals and ambitions we have at age 5 are ultimately what should guide our adult lives. (I wanted to be a mermaid!)
6. Girl, stupid fears are sexy! The show kept slapping on trivia about the contestants during the talent segment. Interesting, but I'd rather know bra size/measurements/turns-ons and turn-offs.
5. Girl, leprechaun shoes are sexy!
4. Fear is SO sexy. All the contestants were made to sit onstage during the talent competition, and then it was announced halfway through that two of them were out before they even got to compete. I know you were working on your talent seven days a week for the last two years, girl, but maybe you should have been working on your lumps! Go join the 40 other losers who flew out, got eliminated in the first thirty seconds, and had to sit onstage for two hours.
3. This judge is sexy. Isn't it funny how five minutes into the competition you just start physically rating every woman who passes in front of the camera? I wonder why that is.
2. The last thing the gals got to do was talk, but not much. Even if you goof, the question only counts for five percent. Ladies, silence = sexy! Never forget it.
1. This fracas was the sexiest part of all. Half of the losers ran up and tried to tear her crown/face off, and the other half sprinted to her dressing room to write "Bitch" on the mirror with her Chanel lipstick and slosh bleach on her back-up gowns. Catfight! Yaaawwwr!!!
CONGRATULATIONS, LAURA KAEPPLER!!! I hope your $50,000 in scholarship money goes a long way toward covering pageant fees, singing coaches, custom gown sewing, and travel expenses from the last 15 years of your life. Hurray!
QUESTIONS:
... Do you think it's interesting that the year after women were given the vote and put in a position to judge men based on leadership abilities and elect them to president (1920), a platform was created where women would be judged by men based on their physical appearance for the completely irrelevant role of Miss America?
... Who had the best ass? Tits? Best hair? Best smile? Elegance? Dress?
... Do you know someone who participates in pageants but is totally smart and chill and pageantry helps them do great community service while having fun?
... Are you afraid of windmills?
I know a lot of decent girls who compete in pageants and I find your article base and insulting. This is a competition which gives women scholarships, and much the same as male football stars will devote obscene amounts of money and time towards training, so will these girls. It is a contest which celebrates beautiful, talented, and at times truly eloquent women who devote their lives to this endeavor. And, while you may not agree with what this contest stands for, it does not give you the right to judge these women and to treat their bodies with such disrespect.
And, as to whether I am afraid of windmills, I can tell you that I am a veritable Don Quixote, ready to destroy all windmills that impede my journey (for they may be giants in disguise).moreless
You are out of your mind. They have literally put their bodies out there to be judged. I am treating them with more respect by pointing out through staire how dehumanizing that is than the panel of people who sat there and gave them points for appearance like they're cattle. This competition can barely stay on TV because THANK GOD people are progressing past this kind of demeaning attitude toward women but the fact its survived, like leprosy, into 2012, is absolutely horrifying.
"The goals and ambitions we have at age 5 are ultimately what should guide our adult lives. "
Chris Harrison!! Proof positive that we need TESTING before we allow parenting!!
Totally disgusting.
#9 is just asking to be GIF'd.
Do you tilt at them?
Teri Polo needs to stop wearing low-cut dresses and really put some meat on her bones. Those random tattoos weren't very attractive either.
I liked pretty much all the women competing and thought Miss Wisconsin definitely earned the win. Miss Oklahoma wowed me in almost every category, but at least she got all the way up to first runner-up. Miss Arizona, Illinois (my home state), and New York were also gorgeous and very talented. And yeah, some of those trivia facts were hilarious.
I am too afraid of windmills, especially big ones that can turn their big scary blades really really fast. Thats why I think the US should nuke the Netherlands so I can sleep more peacefully at night. :-)
I would sleep beter at night knowing my house won't get nuked, thank you very much...
Is it interesting. No. But I think us men will always create some type of platform to judge women on. It is kind of what we do. The sadder thing is the amount women that are denied a role in the arts or society despite their talent or intelligence simply because they are not attractive to the average man. Take Adele, arguably one of the best singers of today. Would have never gotten a shot here in the states, simply because she is a bigger girl. She had to become popular in Britain before she could be accepted here.
Who was the best. No idead I could never watch this. Bad experiences in my youth. But really none of them, they are too over produced. Spray tanned, tape on their breasts, vaseline in places you don't want to know and hair spray on their arse to make their swimsuit bottoms not ride up.
I dated a girl for a while that was into pageants. She was rather intelligent, but hardly chill. She was neurotic and needy and had such a low self esteem that it bordered on a disorder. She had been judged on her beauty her whole life and constantly needed it reaffirmed. And that just isn't sexy in a woman. I like real confidence and a girl that isn't over produced. Didn't have the spray tan when I was in high school. But you couldn't touch her or be touched by her for like a day after she put tanning lotion on because then your level of intimacy was evident by handprints and smudges.
Not afraid of windmills.moreless
I don't know about the first two questions, but when I was a kid the girl who won Miss Wisconsin once lived next door and used to babysit us. She was pretty chill. She wasn't obsessed with pageants though, she was mostly a serious violinist. I'm not sure why she entered the pageant.
For the last question: Depends on what kind of windmill. Does anyone else think those giant white things look like some sort of alien city growing out of the hills? I think those are gonna be the base of operations for the aliens from Falling Skies.