The Vampire Diaries: An Abomination Situation

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I don't know if it's the cake I ate for dinner or the Honda I slept beneath or the racoon that granted me all those wishes, but I am feeling woozy and joyful: Last night's episode of The Vampire Diaries was terrific! One of the best I've ever seen probably? It's hard to say because I don't remember anything that happened before, like, August. But man alive, "The Hybrid" was so entertaining!

We have so much to talk about and you are a busy businessman or businesswoman who is very important in your community, so I'll just cut to the chase: Things happened, and they happened awesomely.

We started the morning after Elena's 18th birthday bash...

Damon was slightly bummed about Andie Starr's death. If you can believe it, Elena's condolences didn't exactly cheer him up. In fact, she was a real weirdo about it! First of all, she's definitely turned into one of those women who fall in love with incarcerated serial killers. "Nobody knows him like I do." Lady, he is a MASS MURDERER. Anyway, Elena does NOT care about all the murder. Murder is NOT a deal-breaker for Elena.

Damon busted out his best eye-acting when he found out about Stefan's silent phone call from the night prior. The best part was how Elena had absolutely nothing to go on, but automatically decided he must be ready to come home.

Elena was super stubborn this episode but also way dimmer than usual? She can be pretty smart sometimes, but not this day. It was all one-syllable words and blank stares.

Later, a LOUD KNOCKING woke Alaric from his shirtless (with shoes on?) slumber.

It was Elena! She'd come to enlist him in her brand-new scheme to rescue Stefan by traveling to rural Tennessee to find a werewolf pack right before a full moon.

A recurring theme of this episode was people telling Elena she had a bad plan and then going along with it anyway. In this case, I'm guessing Alaric literally had nothing else to do. (Also, good thing Tyler knows the whereabouts of all the werewolf campgrounds in America!) Anyway, that's how the world's worst day trip came to pass.

Meanwhile, guess who was already enjoying a pleasant hike of their own?

Klaus, Stefan, and Ray! Ray was getting some much-needed shut-eye. I really feel ya on that one, Ray!

When they stumbled upon the werewolf pack, the werewolves looked like just a bunch of hipster college students going camping. VERY fearsome. Remember that one nerd vampire who was friends with Rose? He didn't even know werewolves still existed, yet they're everywhere, just out in the open like it's no big deal? Vampires need better intel.

It was funny that they already knew about Klaus, though. The main werewolf chick seemed to already know that he intended to convert them all to hybrids. She was like, "Whatever, let's get on with it."

Meanwhile over at Lockwood Mansion, a certain lady mayor and part-time vampire kidnapper seemed to be wrestling with a GUILTY CONSCIENCE. Or guilty something.

My favorite part of this scene was that they don't have a kitchen? Mayor Lockwood just has a coffee station in the formal living room, just like all normal people everywhere. Also she spiked the coffee with vervain just to make sure Tyler hadn't gotten the big vampire STD from Caroline. Cool mom!

To her credit, she seemed kind of relieved when her son didn't die. But she still had some stern motherly advice for her son:

Tyler stood up for Caroline. Good for Tyler! Caroline is the best, and even Mayor Lockwood seemed to know it.

WHO was she calling? We were about to find out, but first, the best plotline ever:

Jeremy had decided that he needed Matt's help to deal with his ladyghost situation, reasoning that Vicki was closest to her brother and they'd be able to exorcise her together. Or something. I don't know, Jeremy just flashed a stack of print-outs he'd gotten from the internet. Either way, it was a great opportunity for them to gaze into each others' eyes meaningfully while flexing their triceps.

Klaus then forced Ray to complete his transition to vampire-werewolf hybrid while the other werewolves just stood around watching. Kinda felt bad for this human dude, but my question was, did Klaus EXPECT there to be humans there, or did he just forget about that part while they were hiking through the mountains? Oh well, lucky Klaus!

He seemed to be enjoying himself, and why wouldn't he?

Meanwhile, Tyler was chillin' at Mystic Grill shooting pool by himself, waiting for Caroline to page him back, and up walks Matt with a pot of coffee! These guys have had their differences, so how awesome was it when Matt feebly offered to take Caroline's place in assisting Tyler with his impending transmogrification?

So nice! Matt wins this episode for sure. Who could have ever imagined that a human being would be the best character for once?

I loved the idea that Matt regularly poisons the coffee with vervain on orders from Sheriff Forbes. Between this, and the fact that she's tracking animal attacks and tracing cell phones, don't you love how BUSY and even COMPETENT Sheriff Forbes is when she's not on-screen? How long will this last? I'm guessing she'll come on next week and yell at her own reflection.

But now that he'd tasted vervain twice in one day, Tyler knew his mom was up to some shady beez.

Whoops! It's a special guest star! Obviously the countdown clock begins for his inevitable murder three episodes from now, but he may last longer due to his recognizability. It's the horn-rim glasses dude from Heroes, you guys!

From the way Mrs. Lockwood was talking to him, he was definitely anti-vampire, and he definitely knew Caroline personally. Hmmmmmmm.

I WONDER who he could be!

So then Elena and Alaric were suddenly hiking in the Tennessee wilderness and Elena was just having a great time. By the way, great hiking shoes, Elena! Chuck Taylors are pretty much the best for traction and arch support, everyone knows this.

Good thing they stopped mid-trail to review their weaponry. Couldn't they have discussed this in the car?

It gave me chills when Alaric said he'd give the ring back when Elena had kids. First off, ugh, more doppelgangers. Secondly, WHO is gonna knock this chick up? Is she basically admitting she won't be setting up house with Stefan? Anyway, who cares when things like THIS happen:

Damon's kind of the best. It turned out Alaric had told Damon where they'd be because Elena's plan was just far too stupid to not require a superstrong vampire wingman.

By the way, nice tattoo, Mr. Saltzman! I think that plus the haircut earn him automatic admission into any indie rock band of his choosing.

Again, Damon attempted to explain to Elena why (a) approaching a pack of werewolves during a full moon and (b) alerting Klaus to the fact that she's still alive just aren't good plans of action. To her credit, she had no real rebuttal except, "But Stefan!"

So obviously Damon caved. Terrible plan marching onward!

Meanwhile Klaus and Stefan systematically fed Klaus' blood to the werewolves and snapped their necks. Any minute a hybrid army was about to rise up! It was funny when Stefan was like, "Wait, why do we need a hybrid army?" and Klaus was like, "Because." Fair enough!

But whooops, it turns out creating a half-vampire, half-werewolf abomination wasn't as easy as Klaus thought! Ray was the first to start exhibiting alarming side-effects.

And then he got loose! Klaus and Stefan were pretty bummed. This chick knows what I'm talking about:

Seriously, total bummer about her camping weekend.

Anyway, Stefan raced after Ray and immediately got bitten by his lethal werewolf teeth.

Murphy's Law, am I right? (I don't know what that is.)

In another state, Tyler had had it UP TO HERE with his mom's ways, and he finally confronted her about all kinds of things, specifically the existence of vampires and the disappearance of Caroline.

Oh, the irony of a woman who hates monsters having a monster child of her own. Now we KNOW she's a Republican. (Murphy's Law but for gays.)

Back in the forest, our heroes had a sudden run-in with a pretty beaten-down hybrid.

Poor Ray! He's really had a terrible couple of days, hasn't he?

Back at Matt's house, Jeremy was ready to put his spirit communion plan into action. But first he needed to dig through some of Vicki's old underwear (obviously, that's Magic 101).

But Matt offered up something that Vicki was presumably even closer to: Her bong.

Unfortunately he caught sight of a framed photo and that's when the waterworks started.

Quick question: I thought Matt was older than Vicki? Isn't he in Elena's grade?? Anyway, suddenly Matt had reservations about dredging up the past.

Jeremy decided to leave Matt alone... and that's when the down-turned picture suddenly RIGHTED itself! Because ghosts!

Because they are geniuses, Elena, Alaric, and Damon spent upwards of half an hour tying up a werewolf when they could have been, you know, running away. Oh well, he woke up and immediately started shifting without a full moon.

Back at camp, Klaus was simply appalled at how homely and sluggish the new hybrids were. It's no wonder he had to murder them all. Who wouldn't?

Elena pulled a classic horror move by tripping and falling in the woods, then came face to face with a werewolf version of Ray. Thinking quickly, Damon distracted him!

It worked! The werewolf chased him off into the distance.

Meanwhile at the Lockwood slave quarters, Tyler was locking up his mom.

I applaud Tyler's show-don't-tell attitude. But did this woman SERIOUSLY have no idea about her husband's family until this moment? She truly is remarkable.

Anyway, Damon had his hands full with Ray still:

Then Stefan swooped in to, get this, SAVE his brother! Guess he's not ALL bad. It was funny how quickly Damon called him out for calling Elena the night before, and it was even better how badly Stefan lied about it.

Despite her earlier gung-ho attitude, Elena pretty quickly fled the scene and ended up chillin' in the car with Alaric. Here's where their weird sexual tension just started ramping up like crazy. For no real reason, Elena started badgering Alaric about his life and about how he needs to start spending more time with her?

I think the less we speak of this the better. This is just about the LAST relationship we need to see happen on this show. He is her teacher! She is his dead girlfriend's niece, not to mention his dead wife's biological daughter! Alaric's weirdness is so complicated one needs a diagram to figure it out.

I loved where they'd parked their car. Did they stop, and do a three-point turn into this position? It's just crazy. Anyway, Stefan was watching them from the hilltop.

It's like, we get it. He misses her.

Aw, Matt reconsidered his anti-ghost ways and showed up on Jeremy's doorstep with a six pack of Heisler! (Haha Heisler.) I know I keep saying it, but this plotline is the best.

OKAY. So now we know more about what Vicki wants: Resurrection! And Anna's working AGAINST HER! Who to trust?? I don't know, but this is such a good idea! Team This Plotline!

Klaus was pouting by the campfire. He'd been so sure his plan to convert the werewolves would work!

Haha I didn't see this coming: Apparently when Elena weaseled her way out of actually dying during the ritual, she may have ruined Klaus' plans. NOW what will happen if Klaus finds out she's alive? Actually it kind of already seems like he knows it, and is just stringing Stefan along? I don't know, all I know is Klaus is an awesome character and I love this show.

Stefan's wound looked like it smelled real bad.

Klaus squeezed some blood out into a bottle. I bet it looks too gay for a dude to suck another dude's wrist or something? Weird.

Aw, Klaus. See, even 500-year-old vampires can be vulnerable!

It made me laugh how they just left behind a crime scene to rival the Jim Jones massacre. Whatever, it's Tennessee!

That night, Damon pulled the oldest vampire trick in the book: Sneaking into Elena's bedroom while she was in the bathroom. He'd decided that he agreed, Stefan needed to be saved. But also, he needed Elena to admit that she'd fled the forest in order to keep Damon safe.

It was a nice little conversation, but again, it seemed like it just existed to tease people who think that Damon and Elena will ever become a thing (they won't).

All it took was a single night for Tyler's mom to realize that EVERYBODY is a monster in some way, especially her son who is literally a monster. She immediately agreed that she'd do all she could to save Caroline.

Meanwhile, where WAS Caroline all episode? Oh, here she was, chillin' in some dungeon right out of Hostel.

BOOM! It's her dad! Now, in retrospect, he never told Carol he'd be killing his daughter, and if anything he seemed eager to make her think they were on the same side. But from the previews it looks like he still doesn't necessarily have the best things in mind for Caroline. However: GREAT twist! And not to be that guy, but looks like we have our very first homosexual on-screen character? Interesting!

UGH. So good.

QUESTIONS:
... Can a vampire really be turned back into a human?
... What about ghosts? Can they be brought back to life?
... Is Elena a maniac for ignoring all of Stefan's murders?
... Did Matt make you excited for Thanksgiving??