The Vampire Diaries: Bad Dogs

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I am worried about my brain. It is so dumb lately! I remember when I used to be smart—I could finish crossword puzzles (Mondays only), solve Sudokus (easy ones), and I even knew most of the Pledge of Allegiance by heart. Sometimes I even went to college! But these days I can't even do something as simple as follow the main plotline of Vampire Diaries. What is happening at any given time, and why? I'm not always sure, but it's starting to become clear that it's not the show's fault. I am just getting dumber. I guess there's a chance that it's THIS SHOW that made me dumb and it's like a chicken-or-the-egg situation, where the chicken is a moron and the egg is a dunce. I don't know. Life is confusing.

What I'm trying to say is, WHAT is even going on in Mystic Falls? Too many things! Klaus, the Sun-Moon Curse, Elijah, sad warlocks, Werewolf vengeance, Katherine, Elena's biological dad, Isobel, Bonnie's new haircut. Good lord, I can't keep it all straight! Who is on whose team? What exactly are people trying to do? Someone draw me a map, because clearly I'm struggling. Anyway, last night's episode was entertaining! It wasn't like tons of stuff happened, but it was suspenseful and well done.

It was the morning after the vampire-werewolf brawl and the werewolves were busy burning their dead. Y'know, typical werewolf chores.

We met a new werewolf in a beanie who had A LOT to say about the Sun-Moon curse. It's official, folks. That stupid moonstone is back in play.

Jules was like, "All right, I guess we should murder a bunch of folks."

It was also the morning after the girls' slumber party. Who do you think is more annoying to share a bed with—a vampire or a witch? I bet vampires have cold feet but witches are constantly doing dutch ovens. It's a tough call.

Stefan called because I guess he got bored with trying on fitted hoodies?

Elena needed a vacation y'all! Honestly, I can't blame her. If supernatural creatures had tried to murder me once a day for the last five days, I'd need some R&R; too. Come to think of it, how do these people ("people") EVER sleep? Half of them have murderers looking for them RIGHT NOW and they're not stressed out or anxious or ANYTHING. Meanwhile I can't fall asleep if I have to run errands in the morning. (j/k I don't leave the house!)

Things started to come together a bit once Beanie Werewolf explained about Mason's relationship to some "hot vampire chick" named "Kathy." So I guess Katherine goes by Kathy when she's in Florida? Haha perfect. I miss Katherine.

So anyway, Tyler agreed to help the gang find that moonstone (and murder Elena I guess?) Oh, Tyler. I'm not mad, just disappointed.

Did you like the picture of Kathy and Mason on Beanie Werewolf's camera phone? Totally a cool, normal picture to take in a werewolf bar.

Meanwhile at Mystic Grill (which is no longer memorializing those deaths from two days ago), Bonnie had a plan to drug and brain-molest Luka. But first Caroline ran into Matt, who looked like he might have literally shrunk with heartbreak. Look at him in that picture! He looks like a child gymnast.

So Matt was all butt-hurt about Caroline's lie the night before. Once called out, she was MORTIFIED. (How great was Candice Accola's hand-acting in this scene? Very great. Are you paying attention, Emmys?!) But Matt wasn't having it and rudely turned his back on her. Poor Caroline! It sucks when your love triangle suddenly only has one side. That's more like a love LINE, am I right? I don't know geometry.

Then Tyler showed up for the explicit purpose of bumping into Caroline, knocking her purse on the ground and then stealing her cell phone. In other words, a GREAT PLAN. I'd be more upset on Caroline's behalf, except for the rest of the day she didn't even notice her phone was missing. What a sad statement about her life. Maybe she is lonelier than we thought!

Is it just me or is Matt kind of a tragic figure now? I mean it's crazy how often he's been wronged, and he usually puts up with it because he has zero friends or family. Now his FORMER best friend and the girl he likes MAY be having an affair, but more importantly they're both secretly monsters and are lying to him about it. Poor guy! He is the only person in town who doesn't know about vampires. What's the harm in letting him into their club? Don't tell me there's no room in the #1 Teen Detective Agency. Even JEREMY'S in that. Throw him a bone, okay, writers?

Haha. Spot 3 differences. Don't you just HATE Autocorrect??

Welcome to the Gilbert lake house, the brownest place in the world.

When Stefan and Elena first rolled up, she got suddenly sad when she realized she hadn't been to this lake house since before her parents died. I started laughing because I guess I had forgotten about that! Also, at first I thought it was funny how perfect the house was inside. No dust! But then I realized that this show's timeline is so crazy that Elena's parents probably only died like six weeks ago. Maybe one of you commenters can sort this out for me. Have any holidays happened since that one Halloween where Vicki died? Someone please make me a PowerPoint explanation about how much time has passed since Jasmine Guy. Thanks in advance.

Damon couldn't just walk in. Elena had this whole routine where she pretended she didn't own the house and couldn't invite him in.

Oh, Elena. It's bad enough to be boring, but to be boring while TRYING to be fun is even worse. Just stop it.

Elijah was still hanging around town networking. Here he was at some cocktail party for the historical society.

The Mayor did NOT care.

Meanwhile Bonnie put her plan into action, giving Luka a "let's be friends again" iced blended. Everyone knows that if there's one thing warlocks can't resist, it's iced blendeds. (Note: This does not work on chupacabras, their teeth are too sensitive).

Luka immediately passed out and Jeremy helped carry him out of there. Totally not a weird or conspicuous thing to happen in public. What is this, a town full of idiots?

I'm sorry, but that lake house looked like the worst place. Even Elena looked pissed off.

Elena got all cagey when Stefan started talking about their future together. I guess she still wants to die. Great!

Seriously, don't. She kept walking through the frame in THAT outfit with THAT teapot with THAT look on her face. She is nothing but trouble!

Damon confronted Elijah. He wanted ANSWERS!

Elijah was not amused. Then this happened:

Never say Elijah isn't a gentleman. Sure he might stab you in the neck with a pencil, but he'll hand you a handkerchief afterward. That's just how he rolls.

Wolf yourself.

Elena explored her parents' house. It was very sentimental. There's nothing like a relaxing vacation in the lake house of your dead parents. Also, I'm pretty sure Elena stuck this perfume bottle INTO her nostril. What a weirdo!

Speaking of weird, did you notice Damon's kiss placement? Where am I? The Twilight Zone? Who ARE these people?

Whoops. There was a secret room behind the closet and it was full of vampire hunter gear. Talk about a vampire boner killer.

Plus a new diary! Why a diary? Oh, right, the title of this show.

Noted witch-rapist Bonnie had roped Caroline and Jeremy into her latest witch assault. It was weird when they were girl talkin' over his prone body.

Caroline noticed all the sexual tension between Bonnie and Jeremy and slipped back into her old gossipy ways. Phew! For a second there I was worried that getting shot in the head at point blank range the day before would affect Caroline in any way. Guess not!

Meanwhile, back at the underlit mansion, Damon was hanging out with Alaric (some guy) and they had some rude visitors. And Alaric DIED!!

So wait, werewolves have superpowers even without a full moon? Jules does backflips off Winnebagos, and at least four times in this episode werewolves ran at super-speed like vampires do. Get it straight, Vampire Diaries! Either werewolves are powerless outside of full moons or they aren't, but that's kind of important when it comes to them wanting to break the curse.

Oh, Jules.

Oh, Tyler.

I like that Uncle Gilbert wears the glove to hide his severed fingers. He probably thinks it's easier to just wear the glove. Too many questions otherwise. Because nobody would ever ask a question about THIS GLOVE. Like, WTF is that glove?

Anyway, he tried his best to raise doubts in Jenna's mind about the content of Alaric's character.

Jenna was like upset or something. I don't know, I fell asleep for 40 seconds.

Damon was NOT having a good time.

Beanie Werewolf had given himself a makeover (he took off his beanie) and was doing this long monologue about whatever. Who cares.

Didn't these werewolves learn their lesson the previous night? I mean, honestly!

Elijah is a deus ex machina now because for the second episode in a row he intervened to save Damon from werewolves. This was awesome:

See what I'm saying about these idiots? Why ON EARTH would they rush a vampire? Go back to Florida, y'all. Oops you're dead now. I liked how Jules pulled a classic Rose move and just ran out of there. (RIP Rose! Never 4get).

Meanwhile, Bonnie was prying answers out of Luka's brain.

Three things. First Luka confirmed that Elijah does indeed want to kill Klaus. He also explained that he and his dad are helping Elijah because Klaus is holding his sister captive. But the big reveal was that in order to kill Klaus, Elijah has to allow Klaus to sacrifice Elena and break the curse, after which he will become temporarily vulnerable. So all in all, it was a very productive brain rape!

Tyler and Brady infiltrated the lake house. Tyler was just bein' Tyler, keeping Stefan at gunpoint while ACTING tons.

Brady was stalking through the house and got stabbed a bunch of times by Elena. ELENA. Sorry, dude, you're a terrible werewolf.

It was funny when he was like, "I can smell you." So she just took off her sweater and left it on the bed as a decoy. And it worked! So really, he could just smell he sweater I guess. Werewolves are awful.

It also made me laugh how Elena was quietly sneaking around while wearing those boots. They made her silent like a ninja!

Whoops, Tyler had set Stefan free (once he learned the truth about Elena's impending sacrifice) and Stefan immediately ripped Brady's heart out. Later Brady! Two episodes and done! That's just how this show rolls.

So did Stefan drop the heart before he hugged her? And did he give her the one-arm hug, or did he just wipe his bloody hand on her hair? Being a vampire is so complicated sometimes.

Tyler was so confused. But I was confused about the buttons on his shirt. How does that work? I don't approve of ornamental buttons, for the record.

Tyler needed a hug. Lucky for him, Elena's a hugger and she had plenty to go around.

It was weird.

Meanwhile Alaric had resurrected (cool ring!) and called up Jenna to lie to her about flaking on their date. Or something.

Are they seriously trying to make us care about this plotline?

Stefan confronted Elena about the "deal" she'd made with Elijah.

She was like, "Duh. I knew it all along" Stefan looked SO ANNOYED. He hates martyrs, apparently. I agree, martyrdom is very unsexy. But in this case I think he should cut Elena some slack. If she wants to die, that's cool with me! There's a better version of her in a Styrofoam tomb somewhere.

Then this happened. FINALLY the romance that NOBODY's been waiting for. But you know what? Good for them. Have fun, you two.

Tyler visited Matt and did that "Take care of her, bro" speech that guys do when they're trying to look sympathetic again. Matt was like, "Okay!" Grudge over.

There was a semi-sad moment when Caroline thought she heard someone at the door but didn't see anyone, and it was Tyler just standing there, failing to build the courage to see her. It was a nice moment of tragedy for these two, but it was only semi-sad because Tyler is a jerk! Sorry, Tyler, but it's true.

Then he hopped into the car with Jules. To her credit, she looked genuinely bummed about how the last two days had gone. We all make bad choices. Then they made another bad choice: heading back to Florida. Byeeee!

QUESTIONS:

... What will Tyler learn on his vision quest?

... So Elijah definitely wants Elena dead. Are we positive that Klaus does too?

... Do you think Luka went home and took a shower with his clothes on?

... Will Matt EVER catch a break?

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