Hey guys, last night was our last episode of The Vampire Diaries until December! Bummer, right? What are we going to do with ourselves—read? Ugh.
Unfortunately this week's installment was yet another one of those flashback-heavy episodes where people mostly just sit around talking. In the first recap I did, I complained that this show can get super boring all of a sudden—and except for a handful of cool things, yeah, this was a boring episode. Hey, it's true! Don't shoot the messenger. (Actually, just don't shoot people in general.)
Don't get me wrong, this episode wasn't as boring as that one from last month where there were a bunch of fancy flashbacks about Katherine's alliance with the Lockwood family, but maybe after three awesome episodes in a row, this one felt like a letdown.
Last week we left off with the revelation that both Elena and Katherine are doppelgangers of an even EARLIER Petrova lady. Do you think we're gonna meet her? What even happened to her? Will Nina Dobrev get a third, even better character to play? Nope. There's still more Katherine backstory to explain, silly...
We started with a flashback… Bulgaria, 1490. That was way back in the day. Just to give you some historical perspective, this was back when people believed water was a demon and then died of old age at 12.
Katherine's a mama, y'all!! Oops, I mean Katerina. Her name was Katerina back then, and also she and her family spoke some a weird nonsense language where they basically just cleared their throats over subtitles. Russian, maybe? I don't know, I don't get out much.
But it's a girl! Or is it? Who can tell, it's blurry as F.
Anyway, Katerina's stoked because like most teens she just wants a baby to play with, but her dad is a total buzzkill. He snatches up her baby and runs out of the room. Dads, am I right? Anyway, because this is a show about monsters, I figured he took the baby because it's a demon or Dren or something. But nope, he just took it because he doesn't want the village to know his daughter was a tramp. Sorry Katerina! The worst part is, that baby ends up being Elena's ancestor. I was like, "Quick! Someone throw it in the river!"
Super sad, though. Kinda bummed for Katherine.
But there's no time to be sad for fictional vampiresses! It's a new morning in Mystic Falls! First things first: Elena swung by Damon and Stefan's underlit mansion. Because totally. If I were nearly murdered every day for a week, I'd definitely keep hanging out with these guys. Just kidding, Elena needs new friends. Just kidding, I wouldn't wish her on anybody, she'll turn your face crooked. Hey, where's Bonnie?
'Sup Rose? Rose was just hanging out. It's always a little awkward when you go to your boyfriend's house and he's chillin' with the lady who abducted you and tried to give you to Dracula the day before.
So then there was this super long scene where everyone sat around talking about Klaus. Elena just sat on the couch asking super obvious questions with this look on her face like she smelled a fart. Longest scene ever...
And we really didn't even learn that much about Klaus. He's like an evil version of Santa Claus, I guess?
Stefan, who is a professional vampire, was all weirdly skeptical of the entire story.
Rose just sort of looked at him like, "Are you kidding me?" <3 Rose.
Over at school Bonnie was walking around the parking lot being a total klutz. Oh, Bonnie! Typical Bonnie.
Oh, here's Jeremy! So wait, wasn't he a goth-emo-stoner dude last year? He totally turned into a bro this season. He looked like he was gonna go hassle some nerds any minute. But! Jeremy finally asked out Bonnie to make their flirtations legit, and she tried to say no but I guess was too horny and immediately accepted? Who can blame her, he looks like Steve McQueen! So they are a thing now. Let's call them Boremy!
Then some new character showed up and was like, "I am a guest star for at least two, but no more than four episodes." He's a light-complexioned African American individual so I WONDER IF HE IS A WITCH. He is not a woman, but he definitely fits the other two criteria for being a witch. Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn't jump to conclusions.
Anyway, after he showed up Bonnie was definitely tingling SOMEWHERE.
Elena and Caroline ditched school (LOL school) and headed out to the tomb. Elena was LUGGING this bag like it was the heaviest thing on earth, but you know what was inside? A book and a plastic bottle. Yikes, Elena. You know what would help you lift that up? Carbs.
Caroline knows what I'm talking about. That styrofoam looked hella heavy and she just tossed it aside, NBD. (No big deal).
Katherine's back, you guys! Who would've guessed? She'd only been in that tomb for what, two days? Whatever, she was looking BEAT.
So this is how the flashbacks worked… Elena would give Katherine a dixie cup full of human blood in exchange for answers about her past. Is it rude of me to ask where a teenage girl got a plastic bottle full of human blood? That's probably rude, right? It's not my business, I guess.
Ugh, the flashbacks. So here's the gist: After her baby was taken away, Katerina was banished to England—where she hooked up with Klaus and started talking like Madonna. Then, when she found out about Klaus' Petrova-Doppelganger-sacrifice plan, she bolted. Understandable!
One thing that was clear is that apparently the doppelganger curse is witch-related. Aztecan witches created the curse that binds vampires to nighttime and werewolves to the moon, but then other witches created the Petrova doppelgangers so that vampires or werewolves may break the curse and trap the opposing team in the curse forever. Or something? Either way, it's clear that witches were awesome once? Now it's been thousands of years since witches have been even remotely interesting.
Anyway! Rose's now-decapitated boyfriend Trevor helped Katerina elude Klaus' henchmen (Was Trevor the baby-daddy? He mentioned being in love with her... or did I imagine that?) and she showed up at some cabin.
Rose was NOT cool with Katerina crashing there, so she locked her in the bedroom and paged Klaus 911.
Meanwhile, in modern times, Damon and Rose took a road trip to a coffee shop with special windows so that Rose wouldn't get burned (not all vampires have witch jewelry makers, I guess).
There they met a nerdy vampire who's been in college for two hundred years. Ugh, figures. An immortal scruffy student. You know when you are at a coffee shop and all the chairs are taken by students and it feels like they've been there forever? Guess what, maybe they HAVE been there forever. Not sure what this guy's name was, don't care. But he was the show's most perfect example of walking exposition yet. An immortal vampire who does nothing but study things and gossip about other vampires.
Back at RenFair, Katerina tricked Rose into giving her vampire blood, and then, like a very sneaky rabbit, effing HANGED HERSELF. It was a little bit clever, because by becoming a vampire, her blood was useless to Klaus. One thing Katerina overlooked, though, was that Klaus would still chase her all over the globe, forever. Whoops.
There was a neat moment where Katherine offered to turn Elena into a vampire and it seemed like she actually considered it.
But then of course Elena just shook her head like, "I REFUSE to be interesting."
Oh yeah, at one point Rose tried to stake Katerina and Katerina just used some old lady as a human shield and then drank her blood. So basically after becoming a vampire, Katherina wasted no time becoming a real pain in the neck. (Pun.)
Vampires like salad.
Ugh, there was this huge long subplot of Caroline and Stefan hanging out and doing absolutely nothing. Maybe he was trying to figure out where Elena was and Caroline wouldn't tell? I don't know. So boring.
So at that same grill restaurant, Bonnie ran into the new student plus his dad and they were from Louisiana, so I totally had my fingers crossed that we were about to get a voodoo subplot. But then the dad started laying it on thick about Bonnie's ancestors in Salem. Haha!
All right, So. The Vampire Diaries has some very interesting racial politics, don't you think? I know the LAST time I mentioned this, commenters accused ME of being a racist. But fine, having all the witches be African-American is definitely not weird. And having them all perform servitude to rich Southern white people—DEFINITELY not questionable. Fine, I am the racist for pointing this out.
But my question is, why do all the African-American actors have such light complexions? Do you think it has anything to do with the lighting on this show? Think about it.
Also look at how Bonnie eye-humps this new guy:
Except look at Jeremy's bro face. Gross. Forget Jeremy!
Bonnie is terrible at pool. I guess there are no spells for that. By the way, is this not the weirdest restaurant ever? Where dudes can eat a late lunch with their dad, vampires can grab a salad, and awkward love triangles develop over pool tables? Someone should franchise this joint! It'll be the coolest diner since Rachel's Place on Family Matters. (Uncool.)
Elsewhere, Elena was standing around the tomb looking like an A-hole. She was throwing 'tude at Katherine like, "You did all these terrible things so you could capture me and kill me, didn't you?" and Katherine was like "No doy."
Except it turns out Katherine has been planning an even bigger mass murder plot than we thought. She needs a ton more people to sacrifice along with Elena: a werewolf (Tyler), a witch (Bonnie), and a vampire (Caroline). That seems like WAY too much blood, but whatever. I guess that explains why she turned Tyler and Caroline into monsters. Makes sense. But I was still all mad. NOBODY better touch Caroline!
Back at the cafe, this super-educated vampire guy was just rappin' more about the curse. But all I could think about was, "Whose Dell is that? Sweet Dell, bro. What kind of RAM u got? How's yr gigahertz? USB port for your Zune?"
Anyway, turns out other vampires don't know werewolves exist, apparently? Damon was like, "We got 'em in Mystic Falls." The nerd guy was genuinely impressed, like, "I've got to visit this place, it sounds awesome." IT IS NOT AWESOME. Plus, as a nerd he'd probably get hassled by Jeremy.
Oh but Elijah is outside throwing a handful of quarters through the window.
AAAH! It burns!!
Damon scooped up Rose and carried her to safety. It was actually very studly. I'm starting to think Damon is bit of a stud, you guys, what do you think? Agree/Disagree?
Back at the grill, the new guy apologized to Bonnie for his dad's frankness and they both set off each other's witch-dar. He confirmed that he is indeed a WITCH! Totally a big a surprise. Definitely didn't see that coming. Because I am COLOR BLIND.
And he levitated some salt just to show off.
Bonnie: "You're a witch."
Him: "We prefer the term warlock."
Me: "I prefer the term LOL"
Hey check it out, I redesigned the Vampire Diaries poster. What do you think???
So anyway, Stefan confronted Elena in the tomb, tried to convince her that Katherine shouldn't be trusted, etc.
By the way, this was after that whole long subplot where Caroline wouldn't tell Stefan where Elena was, but then he still just easily figures it out? Awesome. Great storytelling.
So Katherine told them that Klaus murdered her family. Bummer. At least he had the good taste to arrange them in tableau. Feelin' bad for Katherine, y'all.
Then Elena got super pumped to figure out this Klaus situation so that her own family won't get murdered. Understandable! But Stefan still didn't believe Katherine for some reason. I gotta say, this guy was a real dunce this episode. It was all just confrontation and naysaying, but with no reason for it.
Oops, let me fix that…
Damon and Rose got trashed:
Because I guess vampires have incredibly fast immune systems for everything except alcohol? I don't buy it. They probably get a 10-second buzz at best before BAM! BACK TO SOBER. (Annoying Vampire Trait #4,030)
But who am I kidding? Ten seconds was all it took before this happened:
Then Jeremy was all butt-hurt when he saw Bonnie hanging out with new guy. But, like, what did Jeremy expect? He invited her to play pool and then made fun of her for not being very good, then played pool by himself. Very smooth, brah.
Then this episode did my favorite thing where they closed it by tying everything together with an emotional song. As Ben Harper sang a sweet ditty, Elena was sad and upset about whatever.
Stefan comforted her. So I guess they're a thing again?
Katherine was chilling in her tomb and found a picture of her family (sans sisters) and she looked like a cross-eyed Mila Kunis. (Street artists in the dark ages were the worst.) Katherine almost even shed a tear! Uh oh, I smell a character reversal.
There was some sexy vampire fireside stuff. It's cool, I like Rose and Damon as a couple. APPROVED.
At this point Ben Harper was full-on screaming on the soundtrack and it felt like he was screeching at me personally. Relax, Ben Harper, you're upsetting my cats.
So Vampire Nerd calls and tells Rose to gather up the moonstone and a witch so they can break the curse on their own before Klaus does. She was like, "Sure, that sounds super," then hung up.
Whoops! Elijah compelled the nerd to trick her and then made him do this. Because Elijah can compel other vampires. Because he can walk in sunlight. Because he can't be staked to death. Because vampire rules are made to be vampire broken. And check out who's helping Elijah!
Some guy! Oh, you thought there would be an INTERESTING cliffhanger this week?
See you in December!!
Questions for y'all:
... Do you love the flashback episodes?
... Has new couple Boremy fizzled out ALREADY?
... Is Katherine about to turn good?
... What do you think Klaus looks like?
... Should Stefan go jump down that Vervain-Snake well again?
P.S. I want to thank all the awesome commenters who have been filling me in on backstory and the stuff I miss during the episodes. I'm very open about being a total dunce, and you guys have brought up a lot of stuff I never knew or just plain forgot about. So yeah, whenever I'm way wrong about something, just tell me in the comments. We're learning here!