The Vampire Diaries: Blood Bath!!!

Now THAT was an episode, you guys! I angered so many teens last week when I dared to call The Vampire Diaries boring, but last night's episode was so awesome it actually proved my point. Imagine if this show was this exciting EVERY week! We'd all have to take muscle relaxers just to keep calm. Anyway, my friend brought up a good point when he compared last night's episode to the Friday episode of a daily soap opera. Sometimes you have to endure the first four days just to get to all the action.

We started with a flashback, a drunken bar fight between Uncle Werewolf and some guy. It didn't end well.

Whoops. (This is a sidenote, but I bet undertakers really hate it when blondes get head wounds. Shampoo does NOT get that out). Anyway, as we learned last week, the werewolf curse only materializes once you've killed another human being, and you could tell by Uncle Werewolf's yellow contacts that now he's got it BAD.

It was actually a frightening and effective scene, especially for those of us who haven't accidentally murdered people in parking lots. But I bet most of you watched this part and just blew on your fingernails and rubbed 'em on your shirt like, "No big deal." Haha! Murderers.

Meanwhile, in modern times, Uncle Werewolf was still trying to get his nephew to give him the moonstone. It's still not clear what the deal is with this rock, but it looks like a polished rock you could buy at any county fair, and I guarantee its purpose will be boring.

Oh, Jeremy came back! Hi Jeremy.


There was some business between Stefan and Elena where they developed a fake public fight code. Whenever he said "I can't do this anymore," it meant he loves her. When she said "Whatever," it meant she loves him. But if you ask me, the real meanings were written all over their faces.

So then we got to the show's best plotline, Caroline's emergence as an ABSOLUTE BADASS. It started when she told off her mom, Sheriff Forbes. It was about time too, since this lady is the worst character. She's been on a secret town council to eliminate vampires, but then she became besties with Damon and now her own daughter is a vampire. This dunce needs to fix her fang-dar.

Then there was this business with Uncle Werewolf and Stefan, where Stefan decided he wanted to apologize for Damon having stabbed him in the heart.

"Sorry, bro."

"NOT accepted, bro."

"I am wearing a hoodie without a shirt. Fear me."

"Werewolf biceps."



And then THIS happened:

And it shall henceforth haunt my nightmares.

So then the Werewolf Bro successfully OUTED Damon to Sheriff Forbes and she and her cronies handled it in the best possible way for a secret council to handle it: WITH A PUBLIC MASSACRE!

Seriously, this is when the episode went nuts in the best way. Not only was it the most gruesome violence I've seen on television in a while, it was actually genuinely alarming. When I turned on the show I did not expect to see dozens of close-ups of bullets ripping through the flesh of our beloved hunky vampire bros!

Luckily, Caroline used her newfound powers to (a) give Mason a truly satisfying beatdown and then (b) track down where her mother had taken the boys. She and Elena infiltrated the old slave quarters on the Lockwood estate. (Fun fact: slave quarters used to be made of papier mache and styrofoam. The More You Know.) Then Caroline BOLTED through the fake dungeon tearing out throats and straight up MURDERED a guy right in front of her mother.

As the boys recover from all their bullet wounds, Caroline tried to actually have a heart-to-heart with her traumatized mother, but could you imagine someone trying to "come out" to you while wearing a blood goatee?

Please wash your face, young lady.

In a more dialed back subplot, Tyler learned that Jeremy knows his werewolf secret! How did he discover this? By finding Jeremy's sketch pad, which was full of hilarious werewolf drawings.


"What's this all about, guy?"

"Uhh… I umm… I was in Piranha 3-D."

Moments later, Tyler almost accidentally murdered a drunk girl.

OF COURSE he almost accidentally murdered a drunk girl. Ever since the show established that he'll become a werewolf when he kills someone, it basically set off a ticking clock. This will most certainly happen. From now on, this subplot will be like Final Destination… just lots of potential victims coming into his orbit constantly. Please be careful around this guy, everyone! There hasn't been such a deadly on-screen menace since Jessica Fletcher!

So then the Vampire Bros relocated the gang to their underlit dark-wood mansion where Caroline's mom disowned her and then sat in an idiot daze. Meanwhile, Stefan decided he needs to start drinking human blood in order to be strong enough to face Katherine. This led to a genuine fight between him and Elena. Because remember when he became a total junkie off this stuff? This time he reasoned that he can start drinking blood as long as he's careful. TOTAL JUNKIE LOGIC.

THEN Elena did something really reprehensible… she fed him her own blood and then kissed his freaky vampire-monster face. Ugh. You know, they already used an addiction metaphor for this stuff, so now what? Elena's the grossest enabler in history. Great job, Elena. Where's Katherine when you need her?

Oh, there she is! She was hanging out in a car in the woods. Wanna know why? Because she's boning Uncle Werewolf! After he finally got the moonstone back from his nephew, he gave it to Katherine and they totally macked out.

Then we returned to the original flashback and learn that Katherine CAUSED the bar fight that lead to Uncle Werewolf's transformation. This mirrored last week's reveal that she's been in league with the Lockwood family for generations. I dunno, I'm starting to think Katherine's a bit of a schemer!

Important Questions:

... Whew! Am I right?

... Will Sheriff Forbes ever un-disown her daughter?

... Did all of the daylight scenes make you want to put on sunglasses?

... What's the better Season 2 development: Katherine or Caroline?

... What was the worst part of the episode: Stefan's relapse or Mason's cargo pants?

... Which pair of characters appears in the best fan fiction?

Bonus Ian Somerhalder eye-acting shot:

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