The Vampire Diaries: Bridge to Oblivion (PHOTO RECAP)

The Vampire Diaries S03E17: "Break on Through"

Have any of you noticed that The Vampire Diaries is basically insane? I know a lot of people are wrapped up in the romance aspect of the show (probably a bit too much if we're being honest), but at some point this teen drama went off the deep end and it's now wandering around downtown wearing a hat made out of a dollhouse and yelling at its shoes. I mean that as a compliment! Take this week's episode, "Break on Through" : You would be hard-pressed to find even a single frame that made any kind of rational sense. It's not just the omnipresence of monsters, it's the things they do and say and decide. WHAT is even happening here? WHY are these situations happening? I truly don't even know what to tell you except that we are experiencing the Golden Age of Television, where a show can be both terrific and mentally unstable at the same time. What I'm trying to say is, The Vampire Diaries is basically Alaric.

So hey, this episode had its ups (hi, Jeremy!) and downs (I will only like Sage when she rides a jet-ski into a megalodon's open mouth), but it sure was fun! Let's talk about it!

We began at the hospital where Elena and Meredith were observing Alaric's brain scan.

Meredith seemed to think that whatever caused Alaric to BRUTALLY MURDER their friends and neighbors might've been a treatable medical condition. Alaric, for his part, still wasn't 100% convinced that he'd done those things in the first place.

But his evil reflection felt otherwise!

Meanwhile, somebody was out enjoying the beautiful sunshine.

Caroline had brought a cooler full of different types of blood (do they seriously have unique flavors?) and Bonnie had made Abby a sunlight ring, but they weren't doing much to cheer her up. For one thing, Abby couldn't physically FEEL her plants anymore! It was a very sad thing to have happen to a witch, even though we were told she'd lost her witch powers prior to Bonnie's arrival? I don't know, I'm not about to start keeping track of details like that. But yeah, immortality is definitely not as good as being able to feel weeds, so Abby was understandably bummed about the whole thing.

The town's remaining survivors gathered for some kind of ground-breaking ceremony over at Wickery Bridge. In the middle of what I'm guessing was a work day. I don't know.

The mayor had a VERY pressing question for Alaric:

Hmm interesting. I'm sure it was just completely random that the Mayor inquired about the ANTIQUE WOODEN SIGN that Alaric had been tasked with restoring. Forget about it, it's not important.

That's when Damon spotted a familiar face in the crowd!

Hey Sage! She'd rolled into town in search of Finn. That did NOT sit well with Finn's lil sis.

Then some kind of bitchy class warfare broke out between Rebekah and Sage. And then after Rebekah trotted off, Sage convinced Damon he should try and lure Rebekah over to his joint so that he could read her mind and figure out why she's been hanging around the Mayor so much.

Back at Abby's house, Caroline confronted Jamie (the weird surrogate son Abby keeps out by the shed). It turned out he'd been avoiding everybody ever since Abby turned into a vampire because he IS SCARED OF VAMPIRES. Fair enough, you know?

Caroline was a real good sport in this episode, needless to say.

Back at Elena's house, Alaric and Meredith had a cute moment where he coyly admitted he'd murdered Logan Fell back in the day.

Meredith is crazy, I'm sorry. She was seriously like, "It happens. I'm not one to judge." Lady, your brain is broken. And you're a doctor? "First Do No Harm" should be true EVERY DAY, not just Opposite Day.

Stefan had a terse run-in with Elena and now he was tearing through his vampire Capri Suns like crazy!

Damon was SLIGHTLY concerned about Stefan's binging but he had a three-way to plan.

Meanwhile back at Abby's, two soulmates found each other in the kitchen.

Jamie had had a change of heart and decided he was ready to accept Abby for the vampire she'd become.

Whoops! Abby couldn't control herself. How awkward for Bonnie! It is simply the worst when you meet a nice guy and your mom bites him all up. Hopefully at some point in the future they can all laugh about it.

After the world's weirdest cocktail hour (what was up with that piano player?) Rebekah showed up at Damon's mansion with a bottle of wine she claimed had once belonged to some queen.

And THAT'S when some dancing happened!

I love me some dancing! But it was only Damon and Sage who boogied. Rebekah just sat down and frowned at them, all lonely. That's when Damon swooped in for the kill, claiming he only wanted Rebekah.

Cut to: Damon and Sage putting their plan into effect. At this point I'd forgotten about the whole mind-reading thing! Vampires can do that? Man, what a world.

So while Rebekah slept, Sage discovered ALL of her secrets.

And then she and Damon took a shower where she transferred Rebekah's memories into his brain.

It wasn't anything special really, they simply realized Rebekah was looking for the White Oak Tree. After a towel-clad perusal of his family's library, Damon IMMEDIATELY found a record of what became of that tree because SURE. Whatever, show.

I loved that the record keeper wrote in such a uniform script! But anyway, yeah: That White Oak Tree was used to build the Wickery Bridge!

Only moments later, Sage informed Damon that WHOOPS! She can't let him harm her dear, sweet Finn.

So then he lied to her and claimed he'd only hurt Rebekah and he'll leave Finn alone, even though you and I and the big man upstairs all know the Originals' lives are linked. Oh, Damon, you rascal.

Meanwhile Bonnie and Abby discovered a spell that might reverse Alaric's condition (LOL "condition"). Apparently the condition had been brought on by corruptive dark magic and Elena would need to find an item that Alaric used to wear before he started wearing his invincibility ring. So next thing we knew she was rifling through his drawers while Stefan stood over her being super annoying about whatever.

It should go without saying that she suddenly came across some VERY incriminating materials.

I mean, just LOOK at that proofreading! I realize that the Mystic Falls newspaper only has one reporter and it comes out thrice a month, but still. Proofread your subheadings, guy or lady!

Oh, but check this out: What was with the locks of blonde hair and the crime scene photo of a head wound? Who were THOSE victims?

You're telling me Alaric killed more than two people and Sheriff Forbes didn't even know about it? This town.

Here's his hit-list:

Ol' Jimmy Joe Johnson better watch his back!

Oh, and there was this creepy handwritten note for Jeremy:


Psycho Alaric was trying to pass the torch to a potentially Psycho Jeremy! Oh, speaking of Psycho Alaric, maybe they shouldn't have left him at Elena's taking a snooze on the couch?

And then the episode suddenly turned into a slasher film and it was THE BEST.

Seriously, Meredith even RAN UPSTAIRS. Doesn't she watch Kevin Williamson movies??

Luckily she's a real scrapper and she stabbed his hand before locking the bathroom door.

Uh oh. And right before bikini season!

Back at the Salvatore Mansion Damon realized that Sage had snuck out on him and he immediately knew she was up to no good. So then he raced (by car?) to the Wickery Bridge where he found Rebekah burning all the White Oak wood in a huge bonfire.

But who'd tipped her off??

Damon was MAD. He declared then and there that he'd personally kill Finn just to get revenge on Sage. Strong words, guy.

That's when Elena arrived back home only to find a suspiciously messed up house and Alaric acting shady.

And then he ATTACKED her! But he was too slow.

You guys, Hero Stefan was back. Sort of. I mean, he definitely helped out a bunch in this scene.

For instance, his keen sense for spilled blood led them upstairs to a barely alive Meredith.

And then he had his own little personal struggle to deal with.

But he fought it just long enough to feed Meredith some of his delicious, delicious vampire blood.

Hilariously enough, Bonnie performed her reversal spell on Alaric DURING THE COMMERCIAL BREAK. Because that's just how this show rolls. So then he woke up with no recollection of the night before.

Meanwhile, after an earlier, icy conversation, Elena and Bonnie finally came face to face.

They hugged it out basically. Status quo maintained!

This bit made me laugh:

Caroline asked, "Am I doing this right?" Oh come on. GARDENING? And for the record, no, you're not doing that right. Plant them 12-inches apart in a grid formation and get those empty pots off the planter. Also feel free to use that shovel instead of your hands. Vampires!

Quick question: Is Jamie a water balloon smuggler?

Congratulations, Bonnie! Except Bonnie wasn't there, so it was Caroline's job to confront a suddenly flighty Abby.

Caroline gave an incredibly emotional speech about the value of sticking around for your child, and working through adversity in the interest of togetherness, and junk like that. I was convinced. But guess who responded with nothing less than a side-eye?

Haha hilarious! Honestly, I am not even blaming Abby for wanting out of this scenario. Her life was pretty darn good just a few weeks ago and now look at it. Bye, Abby! Better luck next time.

Oh look who was back (sorta)!

Elena's emotional phone call to her lil bro was mostly just a check-in to see how he's doing in Colorado and whether or not he'd repeatedly died due to supernatural causes and been driven to murdering folks while in a fugue state. It looked like Jeremy was fine! He even got a dog. [Tyler joke TK]

In one last bit of cleverness, Damon unveiled his newest score:

The original Wickery Bridge sign that Alaric had restored! It's made of White Oak! What on earth could Damon want with it??

Daaaang. Originals are in trouble, you guys.

Well, that was definitely an episode of The Vampire Diaries! I'm still baffled by the hows and whys of Alaric's condition, plus I'm not excited about Rebekah and Klaus being in danger, and as far as I'm concerned Sage and Abby can drive a convertible into the Grand Canyon while holding hands. But still: This hour of madness was two tons of fun. And next week looks great! Let's meet up again and talk about that one too!




... Is Alaric completely cured now?

... What would it take for these characters to disapprove of murder?

... Is Stefan baby-stepping back toward becoming Nice Stefan?

... Did you miss Jeremy?