The Vampire Diaries is ostensibly about vampires, witches, werewolves and the teenagers who <3 them, but it's quickly becoming clear that none of these monsters are as weird or crazy as the town of Mystic Falls itself. What kind of town is this?! There are only like two dozen people tops, 90% of them are teenagers, and everyone attends lavish town-wide parties basically every weekend. My hometown had a party too, it was called a county fair. What I'm trying to say is, maybe the monsters of Mystic Falls aren't the problem. THIS TOWN is the problem.
We opened in an underlit, dark wood mansion where Caroline shakily downed a tumbler of blood. Seems she'd just had a bit of a run-in with a certain evil doppelganger:
Ladies room confrontations are always awkward, but especially when it's with a centuries-old vampire who recently murdered you. Katherine warned Caroline that if she didn't receive the moonstone by that night at Masquerade, she'd "rip the town apart until it rains blood." Charming!
Damon was like, "well that settles it, we have to kill Katherine." But Stefan was like, "No don't kill Katherine." And then he got this gross look on his face, "I'M going to kill Katherine."
And then Damon got THIS gross look on his face, like "Right on, bro." And then I got this gross look on my face like, "Gross." So I guess it's supposed to be shocking that Stefan might actually do something interesting FOR ONCE?
So Jenna returned home from the hospital the next day? I'm not a doctor but I think stabbing yourself in the abdomen merits at least two days in the hospital. Maybe she has crummy healthcare? THANKS OBAMA!!!
Also, Katherine returned home from shopping. I have a couple of questions. How does she pay for things? Does she have a credit card or bank account in her own name or does she just glamour salespeople all day? How many employees have been fired because of her? Guys, I'm starting to think Katherine is a bit of a villain.
Anyway, there was a witch hiding in her room. At this point I was like, okay either all witches in this universe are light-skinned African-American women (offensive?) or this chick must be related to Bonnie. Whatever, this new witch was only there to assist Katherine with that night's scheme.
But how funny was it when the new witch sort of snuck out of the shadows and Katherine pinned her to the wall??
Katherine: "Do NOT sneak up on a vampire."
New Witch: "Don't attack a witch."
Me: "DON'T LIVE IN MYSTIC FALLS!"
So then we witnessed the first ever meeting of the Mystic Falls Teen Murder Club, as Caroline and low self-esteem Bonnie joined forces with Damon, Stefan, Jeremy and Alaric (some guy, not important). As they plotted Katherine's demise, we could tell it was a super intense plan because of how the scene ended with everyone getting a menacing close-up, hinting at what exactly was on their respective minds.
All right, so then we went to Masquerade? [Note to reader: please put on your masks now.]
So this is what I'm talking about. Here is the town's population, all awkwardly gyrating on the dead mayor's front lawn to some industrial cover of a Psychedelic Furs song. Nevermind Mystic Falls' appalling teen murder rate, just BEING HERE seems like a nightmare. Look at this party, it is the worst.
Anyway, the guest list was a WHO'S WHO of yahoos.
Your mom was definitely there.
So was Tyler's mom and is it just me or was the sexual tension between these two unbearable? Get a room, Tyler and Tyler's mom!!
Katherine re-brainwashed Matt to go ahead and get himself murdered by Tyler's hand. Ugh with this werewolf plotline. Now, I admit that I'm sort of brain damaged, so could one of you superfans please explain why exactly Katherine's so intent on making Tyler a werewolf? How exactly does it help her? I'm not even going to ASK about the moonstone because I know the answer will be boring.
So then the Crazy 88 showed up.
Also those two drunk chicks from a few episodes ago. Boy, I really hope they both don't get killed tonight! I mean, it might be okay if only ONE of them dies, but definitely not both!
Also, I guess Jeremy and Bonnie are a thing now? Ugh. I guess Jeremy and Bonnie are a thing now.
So the new witch immediately set off Bonnie's Witch-dar. Bonnie tried to confront her, but the new witch just acted like a witch with a capital-B!! (Spelling joke).
Stefan and Katherine had an awkward dance, where she once again flirted with him and then threatened violence. [Note to ladies: this isn't very effective.]
Then she committed a major party foul by MURDERING one of the drunk chicks in a truly awful way right on the dance floor. Ugh, Stefan hated that. They didn't show it, but I'm guessing he carried the body off the dance floor while moving her arms and head around like in Weekend at Bernie's.
After the Teen Murder Club finally put their plan into gear, Caroline successfully lured Katherine into a force field-protected room.
… And then Damon shot her in the back with a stake gun!
Whoops! Down on the lawn, Elena got the same wound! So THAT'S what the new witch was up to. I have to say, that was a genuinely clever plan on Katherine's part. I don't normally pay compliments to fictitious vampire doppelgangers, but credit where credit's due. Great job, Kat.
Oh and Matt successfully picked a fight with Tyler, but Caroline broke it up just in time…
…Just in time for Drunk Girl #2 to attack Tyler with a letter opener (Katherine thought of everything!) He pushed her away and she immediately became real dead after she hit her head on the desk.
Whoops! Hello Werewolf Tyler. I mean, we all knew this was coming, right? The only question is, why did we care? He's a werewolf now, big deal. My question is, will he also transmogrify into a douche-tard like his uncle did?
So in order to save Elena, Bonnie finally had a heart-to-heart with the OTHER caramel-skinned witch. After the new witch learned a little more about Bonnie's witch family tree, they came to a witch understanding.
Then they arm-touched, and the new witch scammed the moonstone off of Bonnie.
Then she handed it over to Katherine…
Whoops! The new witch CURSED the moonstone (or something. I'm not sure). Katherine fell to the ground paralyzed!
Bonnie thanked the new witch. Turns out they're cousins, a million times removed, and whatever. Bonnie was like "I have no self-esteem and I always do what vampires ask me to" and the other witch was like "me too, we are definitely doing a great job of being African-American servants to a race of rich white people and it's totally not racially questionable." And this raised Bonnie's self-esteem maybe?
Anyway, new witch took off, and Bonnie is so lonely again. At this point I began to wonder if depressed witches cut themselves or if they have a spell for that, but then Jeremy swooped in to walk her home. Everything's coming up Bonnie!
Stefan attempted to resolve things with Elena. By the way, remember how she got totally stabbed like an hour earlier? I mean, I guess Bonnie put a healing spell on her (plus if Jenna's any evidence, their family can quickly heal from stabbings), but still. Bad timing, bro.
Elena was probably still bleeding out while Stefan tried to get back together with her. He was like, "everything's fixed now." And she was like, "Actually, I got stabbed tonight. That's exactly why I shouldn't be dating vampires."
It made me laugh how she hobbled off. LOL stabbings.
Katherine got locked in a tomb. Because of course she did. They can't kill off their best character ever. Bye for now, Katherine!
And then this guy KIDNAPPED ELENA. WTF, MYSTIC FALLS??? Everyone please MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE.
-Did you like how all the characters got in on the action?
-Are you going to miss the drunk girls?
-What are the chances of Katherine coming back: 99% or 100%?
-Are Bonnie and Jeremy the new Stefan and Elena? Are you going to write fanfic about their relationship??