The Vampire Diaries: Death Unexpected

The Vampire Diaries is ostensibly about vampires, witches, werewolves and the teenagers who <3 them, but it's quickly becoming clear that none of these monsters are as weird or crazy as the town of Mystic Falls itself. What kind of town is this?! There are only like two dozen people tops, 90% of them are teenagers, and everyone attends lavish town-wide parties basically every weekend. My hometown had a party too, it was called a county fair. What I'm trying to say is, maybe the monsters of Mystic Falls aren't the problem. THIS TOWN is the problem.

We opened in an underlit, dark wood mansion where Caroline shakily downed a tumbler of blood. Seems she'd just had a bit of a run-in with a certain evil doppelganger:

Ladies room confrontations are always awkward, but especially when it's with a centuries-old vampire who recently murdered you. Katherine warned Caroline that if she didn't receive the moonstone by that night at Masquerade, she'd "rip the town apart until it rains blood." Charming!

Damon was like, "well that settles it, we have to kill Katherine." But Stefan was like, "No don't kill Katherine." And then he got this gross look on his face, "I'M going to kill Katherine."

And then Damon got THIS gross look on his face, like "Right on, bro." And then I got this gross look on my face like, "Gross." So I guess it's supposed to be shocking that Stefan might actually do something interesting FOR ONCE?

So Jenna returned home from the hospital the next day? I'm not a doctor but I think stabbing yourself in the abdomen merits at least two days in the hospital. Maybe she has crummy healthcare? THANKS OBAMA!!!

Also, Katherine returned home from shopping. I have a couple of questions. How does she pay for things? Does she have a credit card or bank account in her own name or does she just glamour salespeople all day? How many employees have been fired because of her? Guys, I'm starting to think Katherine is a bit of a villain.

Anyway, there was a witch hiding in her room. At this point I was like, okay either all witches in this universe are light-skinned African-American women (offensive?) or this chick must be related to Bonnie. Whatever, this new witch was only there to assist Katherine with that night's scheme.

But how funny was it when the new witch sort of snuck out of the shadows and Katherine pinned her to the wall??

Katherine: "Do NOT sneak up on a vampire."
New Witch: "Don't attack a witch."
Me: "DON'T LIVE IN MYSTIC FALLS!"

So then we witnessed the first ever meeting of the Mystic Falls Teen Murder Club, as Caroline and low self-esteem Bonnie joined forces with Damon, Stefan, Jeremy and Alaric (some guy, not important). As they plotted Katherine's demise, we could tell it was a super intense plan because of how the scene ended with everyone getting a menacing close-up, hinting at what exactly was on their respective minds.

All right, so then we went to Masquerade? [Note to reader: please put on your masks now.]

So this is what I'm talking about. Here is the town's population, all awkwardly gyrating on the dead mayor's front lawn to some industrial cover of a Psychedelic Furs song. Nevermind Mystic Falls' appalling teen murder rate, just BEING HERE seems like a nightmare. Look at this party, it is the worst.

Anyway, the guest list was a WHO'S WHO of yahoos.

Your mom was definitely there.

So was Tyler's mom and is it just me or was the sexual tension between these two unbearable? Get a room, Tyler and Tyler's mom!!

Katherine re-brainwashed Matt to go ahead and get himself murdered by Tyler's hand. Ugh with this werewolf plotline. Now, I admit that I'm sort of brain damaged, so could one of you superfans please explain why exactly Katherine's so intent on making Tyler a werewolf? How exactly does it help her? I'm not even going to ASK about the moonstone because I know the answer will be boring.

So then the Crazy 88 showed up.

Also those two drunk chicks from a few episodes ago. Boy, I really hope they both don't get killed tonight! I mean, it might be okay if only ONE of them dies, but definitely not both!

Also, I guess Jeremy and Bonnie are a thing now? Ugh. I guess Jeremy and Bonnie are a thing now.

So the new witch immediately set off Bonnie's Witch-dar. Bonnie tried to confront her, but the new witch just acted like a witch with a capital-B!! (Spelling joke).

Stefan and Katherine had an awkward dance, where she once again flirted with him and then threatened violence. [Note to ladies: this isn't very effective.]

Then she committed a major party foul by MURDERING one of the drunk chicks in a truly awful way right on the dance floor. Ugh, Stefan hated that. They didn't show it, but I'm guessing he carried the body off the dance floor while moving her arms and head around like in Weekend at Bernie's.

After the Teen Murder Club finally put their plan into gear, Caroline successfully lured Katherine into a force field-protected room.

… And then Damon shot her in the back with a stake gun!

Whoops! Down on the lawn, Elena got the same wound! So THAT'S what the new witch was up to. I have to say, that was a genuinely clever plan on Katherine's part. I don't normally pay compliments to fictitious vampire doppelgangers, but credit where credit's due. Great job, Kat.

Oh and Matt successfully picked a fight with Tyler, but Caroline broke it up just in time…

…Just in time for Drunk Girl #2 to attack Tyler with a letter opener (Katherine thought of everything!) He pushed her away and she immediately became real dead after she hit her head on the desk.

Whoops! Hello Werewolf Tyler. I mean, we all knew this was coming, right? The only question is, why did we care? He's a werewolf now, big deal. My question is, will he also transmogrify into a douche-tard like his uncle did?

So in order to save Elena, Bonnie finally had a heart-to-heart with the OTHER caramel-skinned witch. After the new witch learned a little more about Bonnie's witch family tree, they came to a witch understanding.

Then they arm-touched, and the new witch scammed the moonstone off of Bonnie.

Then she handed it over to Katherine…

Whoops! The new witch CURSED the moonstone (or something. I'm not sure). Katherine fell to the ground paralyzed!

Bonnie thanked the new witch. Turns out they're cousins, a million times removed, and whatever. Bonnie was like "I have no self-esteem and I always do what vampires ask me to" and the other witch was like "me too, we are definitely doing a great job of being African-American servants to a race of rich white people and it's totally not racially questionable." And this raised Bonnie's self-esteem maybe?

Anyway, new witch took off, and Bonnie is so lonely again. At this point I began to wonder if depressed witches cut themselves or if they have a spell for that, but then Jeremy swooped in to walk her home. Everything's coming up Bonnie!

Stefan attempted to resolve things with Elena. By the way, remember how she got totally stabbed like an hour earlier? I mean, I guess Bonnie put a healing spell on her (plus if Jenna's any evidence, their family can quickly heal from stabbings), but still. Bad timing, bro.

Elena was probably still bleeding out while Stefan tried to get back together with her. He was like, "everything's fixed now." And she was like, "Actually, I got stabbed tonight. That's exactly why I shouldn't be dating vampires."

It made me laugh how she hobbled off. LOL stabbings.

Katherine got locked in a tomb. Because of course she did. They can't kill off their best character ever. Bye for now, Katherine!

And then this guy KIDNAPPED ELENA. WTF, MYSTIC FALLS??? Everyone please MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE.

Questions!
-Did you like how all the characters got in on the action?
-Are you going to miss the drunk girls?
-What are the chances of Katherine coming back: 99% or 100%?
-Are Bonnie and Jeremy the new Stefan and Elena? Are you going to write fanfic about their relationship??

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Yeah, Katherine's one of the few ones that makes this show interesting.

Now, the questions: it wasn't bad; nope; she already did, lol; yes they resamble Stefan and Elena a lot, especialy with Bonnie going all suicidal later on; no, too boring.

Now, my question: Katherine or Caroline?

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amazing review! so goddam funny especially the review of afro-american witches subservient to white culture. amazing observations and hilarious. 5 stars (out of 5!). love ur reviews! all best. x
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"It made me laugh how she hobbled off. LOL stabbings."

Love that phraise :DD You're awesome! And loving the montage too.
But seriously, Stefan wouldn't really just say "go see a doctor" and let her hobble of all on her own and get kidnapped by a psycho vampire-ish dude, would he? I mean come on, yeah they broke up, but couldn't he at least carry her to the CAR, while BLEEDING NEAR TO DEATH and all...?
Not gonna miss the drunk girls, way too teen-must-have-ditsy for me. Convenient characters to kill off, though. Really anxious on what happens next, and whether the kidnapper is Lars from the books or wtf is going on.
Enjoyed Jer not being the whining kid so much anymore, maybe he can help Bonnie with that too? And it will really be a turn off if they attempt to make Kat a sympathetic new regular, she rocked that dance floor with the ninja moves. But LOVED Damon's sigh of relief once he got her in the tomb FINALLY!
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-Yes

-No(maybe just the second one)

-100%

- I HOPE NOT! I just got rid of those two! No....at least for now lol



Great review! Even though the episode was crazy, it was pretty good! I had so much fun watching it... specially when elena was stabbed. Someone gotta slap that girl! All she does is complain! I 'm starting to get on kat's side....
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@scheek101, i don't see anything rude about the remark she's made. Even i thought about it too after they introduce this new witch. Another very light-skinned African women, which make it what? The fourth one or the fifth one and working for the vampires. Anyway, This show is ridiculous. Only on CW will something like this still be going to a second season.
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Thanks for the comment, scheek101. Have there been witches on the show who aren't African-American women in service to Caucasian male vampires? I'm actually not sure since I haven't seen most of season 1, but I know there have been at least three. Considering the show is set in the South, this seems a little weird to me, I don't know. I don't think it's "ignorant" to bring this up.
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As much as I've found your reviews cool in the past, I don't think it's necessary for you to keep making racist African American jokes that aren't funny first of all. As a matter of fact, it's very offensive. It goes beyond joking to just downright hateful comments. The "being African American servants to a race of rich white people" was just rude, and it wasn't a joke at all. There's funny racist jokes, and then there's ignorant ranting that goes too far.
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drunk girl #2 finally got herself killed, eh?! guess if you don't die by falling down the stairs the best way to go is to fall into a desk...
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Let's vote on what the next Town thingy will be! I say it's gonna be a Fall Festival, and someone has their throat cut while apple bobbing! Yay!!!
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this is a great epesod
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Drunk girl #2 was hot...
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love this reviewww. moawrrr pls!
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Oh my god, this made me feel less bad about watching this piece of crap show, thank you for boiling it down to its guilty crappy essence!!!!!
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price...awesome job done !!!!!!!!!! lol......mystic falls ....too many parties!!!!!
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kekek.. Fantastic review. jus lov it...
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lol I love these. Strangely enough, I was also thinking about sabretooth tigers at that time... keep 'em coming!
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I liked the action; it got me pumped ;)
The only think i liked about the drunk girls was the fact that i got to hear my name (Sara) be said by the cast
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so you have been writing funny reviews lately, i think your reviews are probably better then the show, let me rephrase, now i will only watch the show to know what your talking about when you write these
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This review was awesome!!
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Very interesting and entertaining review. (1) I did like all the characters taking part in the action. It was funny to see Caroline so excited that she did her part right. (2) I will certainly not miss the drunk girls; they were there for one reason really (to be killed) and that mission was accomplished. (3) Of course there is a 100% chance Katherine will be back. What Katherine said when Damon was closing the tomb door was intriguing - that doppelganger Elena must be protected. Hmm. Then Elena gets kidnapped. And what kind of boyfriend or brother lets Elena go home alone after she has just been stabbed?! Poor Elena! Stefan and Jeremy are terrible for that; one or both should have insisted on taking her home. (4) I don't like the idea of Bonnie and Jeremy dating. He is her best friend's little brother. I don't see the long term potential for that relationship. (5) I am glad that Matt was not killed; that would have sucked. (6) I agree with the absurdity of Jenna being released from the hospital so soon after being stabbed. How long is the show going to keep her in the dark about the "goings on" in Mystic Falls? I mean, how gullible do they expect us to think she is? She stabs herself in the gut accidentally? I like this show b/c it is entertaining and it moves at a quick pace, and I can overlook a lot of events that in other shows would be unbelievable, but the "clueless Jenna plot" is getting on my nerves. And please do something more with Alaric! He has potential as an actor and a character.
More+
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Funny article, but I really love The Vampire Diaries. Don't diss!
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I have a question of my own. Why are you so dreamy?
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Love your reviews! made my day :)
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LOL !! I REALLY don't like this show, stopped watching it after the second episode. But I just LOVE your reviews. =))
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Loved the article once again! There does seem to be a population of teenagers, Caroline's mom and Tyler's mom. Did anyone else notice the vibe between Caroline and Tyler? There's a Romeo and Juliet story for a freaky town like Mystic Falls.
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Great article again. It's true, there seems to be no one else but teenagers, Caroline's mom and Tyler's mom. Did anyone pick up on the vibes between Caroline and Tyler? Talking about a Romeo and Juliet-story fit for a freaky place like Mystic Falls.
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By the way Great write up made me laugh lol
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I'm curious as to why Stefan didnt give Elena his blood to make her better!! but told her to go to the doctors??? and wtf you ditch your handsom BF and made him cry, because of evil vamp Katherine. When its all over your saying you need time," hello" falling into him arms is what she should have done!
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this was hilarious
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I love your reviews!
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Dear Price Peterson, you're awesome. Great review.
I guess we have a new villain in town)) wtf, Mystic Falls?? =))
God, I want to live there.
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very nice review. keep up the good work!
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Great!!! Now we have another Joe Oesterle.This world has to Fall
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Awesome hilarious review! Love the Tarantino reference and everyone's close-up caption. Bonnie and Jeremy = ew and wtf.
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Love your reviews! I want more!
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haha , great article , i think it's the first time i laugh while in tv.com
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H-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s. I really love your writing, man, though I gotta say that I did like the episode. The story may be far-fetched, but Vampire Diaries do feed one's inner TV junkie...
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I actually like the town tradition parties. It's a given that more adults should be present, I'll give you that but I don't find the parties strange at all. I don't know if you watched Gilmore Girls but they also had small town traditions like the picnic basket auction or the knit-athon or the 24h dance-athon. So it's not so weird to me. Gives the small towns a little charm. It's actually a shame that towns aren't like that. I'm sure people & neighbours would have gotten along much better.
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LMFAO, I really wait for this article every week hehe, its epic, as usual! :P , cracked me, totally hilarious! But dude, the Tyler and Tyler's mum eww! AND I WAANA JOIN THE THE MYSTIC FALLS MURDER CLUB! LOL. Answering your questions, 1-Eh!! , 2-HELL NO!, 3-I think its 99.5%, that's my guess :P, 4-I'm not either, Elana/Stephan are boring as I said b4, and Jeremy/Bonnie is creepy so good luck with the fanfictions guys, I don't do any TVD FFs so I'm safe! LMAO
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Hah, Funny
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OMG! This was so long!! I didn't read all this. I really liked the episode.
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I thought your last review was hilarious and this one was LOL funny. I LOVE the Mystic Falls Teen Murder Club! I guess Alaric is the supervising teacher? To answer the questions: Yes, cause it means you get to make up more new fun names for their club of the week. Yes, because now they have to find new targets for jealous fits, manipulation, knocking down stairs and drinking buddies for Tyler and who ever he's chillin' with at the moment?. That's easy, 100% or they would have staked her instead of missing a million times. And, Bonnie and Jeremy is actually a good thing because now, we won't keep having to talk about her low self-esteem, well, at least until Elena finds out then, here we go again... Poor Bonnie.
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Funny review, and response to the previous and this one. Don't take this show to serious, I like it cause it's totally weird :)
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Yeah, of course I will miss the drunken girls. They were hot and seemed to have a lot less issues than the average female inhabitant of Mystic Falls :)
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Hey! Where's Ian Somerhalder's weekly eye-acting pic??
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Awesome review. The African-American stuff was hilarious.

Hah hah... African-American...
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I like your reviews a lot! they are so funny! i think this episode was good.
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great article, even better episode, and i just can't wait for the "witch", since i can't use the letter B, to get laid. just awesome, love this show
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That was such a fantastic article. Haven't laughed so much in a while.
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Hilarious. To answer the questions. I liked seeing all the characters mostly since it meant less Stefan and Elena. I am not going to miss the drunk girls. 100%
I hope they are not the new Stefan and Elena and I do not like the match up and do not write fan fiction.
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