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The Vampire Diaries: Let's All Get Killed

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Aaand we're back. Was that the longest two weeks of our lives or what? I don't know about you, but my Thanksgiving vacation was completely ruined by the lack of new Vampire Diaries episodes. I basically just moped, kicked rocks, pouted. Loved ones tried to cheer me up at the Thanksgiving table and I was like, "How can I possibly eat yams when all I can think about is that cliffhanger with some guy hanging out in some other dead guy's loft!?" Haha, just kidding, that last episode did not have a good cliffhanger. (Also just kidding about having loved ones.) Anyway! Welcome back, Vampire Diaries!

It was pretty great seeing all our favorite characters back in action. But do you hear that beep-beep-beeping noise? That's a garbage truck backing up to pick up last night's storylines, because yuck. Sorry, I don't mean to be the chocolate pudding in your guest bed, but I was pretty underwhelmed by this episode. Characters did stupid things for no reason, very little actually happened, and many story elements just flat-out didn't make sense. The problems were especially glaring in light of this season's recent hot streak. Maybe someone forgot to write the episode and the actors had to wing it? I dunno.

We began with Mystic Falls' newest warlock dad creeping around Elena's house at night while everyone was home. Because that is definitely the best time to break into someone's house to steal their trinkets. Definitely not when the house is empty all day long. We're six seconds into the episode and already it doesn't make sense.

This warlock dude was basically terrible at robbery, so of course he immediately woke up Elena and she was SCARED. But then I saw she'd been writing in her diary and I got scared that she'd start reading from it again. (Season 1 shout-out!)

But when she went into the hallway to investigate, it was just Alaric and Jenna being weirdos. It was like, yeah, we get it, you guys are boning. The scene went on forever, really trying to sell the humor of this awkward situation, and failing... which was awkward for me the viewer. This very unsexy scene played out for what seemed like ten minutes? PLENTY of time for the warlock to steal a bunch of Elena's personal items.

I just wanted to point out that Jenna was wearing the best piece of post-coital clothing a woman can possibly wear: the oversized man shirt. Ladies, maybe you can fill me in on how this works. I thought that you only put those on when you don't have access to your own clothes? Like when you stay the night at some rich yuppie's condo and your sequined cocktail gown is slung over the chaise lounge? JENNA LIVES HERE. Why is she traipsing around in an oversized man shirt? Sometimes it feels like I don't understand ANYTHING.

Elena was convinced that the creepy noises were just the totally unsexy sexual shenanigans next door, and promptly went back to bed. But then my question was, what kind of maniac lays down on her bed like this to go to sleep? Not even resting her head on the pillow at all? The lights are still on? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

The next morning, the Salvatore Bros. teamed up to lift away the Styrofoam door to Katherine's tomb. They were apparently still going off that fake tip from the murdered vampire nerd: That they can break the moonstone curse before Klaus carries out his sacrifice of Elena. That's right, most of this episode's plot was based on an incorrect piece of information. Buckle up!

Katherine looked super tired and very thirsty, and she was like, "Your plan to break the curse sounds good even though I am centuries old and should know better, but sure, I'll give you the moonstone if you get me out of here." Very shrewd.

But the boys ran into a snag when they ran their plan past Elena and she was like, "No," and they were like, "Why not?" and she was like "Because." Elena was the worst. I guess she had concerns about the safety of her family and decided that she WANTED Klaus to find her so that he wouldn't take it out on her loved ones. Even though he wouldn't have to do that if the Salvatore Bros. granted him the ability to walk in the sun. Which they won't do because that was an incorrect piece of information. So yeah, Elena was like, "I want to be the one who dies!" and I was definitely on her side.

Meanwhile, Bonnie actually went to school (LOL) and had a nice moment with Luka the hunky younger warlock. She seemed pretty stoked to be talking to another one of her kind (what?), and he taught her a new ability: She can increase her powers by channeling the powers of nature and—get this—OTHER witches.

Then he demonstrated this ability by channeling her powers and whipping up enough wind to blow everyone's homework all over the picnic area. Man, witches can be such jerks sometimes.

Bonnie seemed pretty happy, though.

'Sup, Rose? Rose was just tyin' her robe after a steamy night with Damon. I really hope they danced around the mansion in their underwear at least once.

So Elena went to Rose for help. For some reason Elena got it in her head that she should go see that nerdy vampire dude, and Rose was like, "Um, why do you need to talk to that guy?" And Elena said, "There's more to learn. We just have to find a way to learn it." It was a very brilliant argument from a grade-A genius. Rose was like, "Nah," because Rose is awesome.

THEN Elena tried to strong-arm her: "You owe me. One word from me and Damon and Stefan could've killed you for kidnapping me." Elena is awful. We've been over this.

Later, Tyler and Matt had a nice moment on the basketball court. Matt was pretty sorry about trying to get Tyler to murder him shortly before Tyler actually murdered that drunk chick. It was awkward, but I think we've all had this conversation at some point in our lives. I'm so glad these guys are able to put their differences behind them and come to an understanding. And you know what would really get their friendship back on track? A shirtless hug.

Oh, Caroline's back. Hey Caroline! In her brief interaction with Matt it was clear she still had feelings for him, but she was also taking a big interest in Tyler's condition. Turns out a full moon was quickly approaching. Frankly, I think she was just trying to get a shirtless hug out of one of them (or both!).

Over at the #1 Teen Detective Agency, Jeremy wanted to join in on the rest of the crew's plan to snatch the moonstone away from Katherine, but Damon was super mean to him. Poor Jeremy! Just kidding, Jeremy needs to sit down.

Meanwhile, on Elena and Rose's USELESS FIELD TRIP 2K10, they discovered the cold, staked body of that vampire nerd in his loft.

He left behind a pretty cool computer suite, though. R.I.P., vampire nerd.

Oh and also there was some sobbing girlfriend in his closet. Meet Alice, some lady who wanted to become a vampire and had a ton of 'tude about it.

Elena gave Alice a grilling about how to log into her boyfriend's email.

Elena: "Do you know your boyfriend's password?"
Alice: "Are you seriously asking me that right now? I just saw my boyfriend with a stake through his heart."
Elena: "I understand that. Do you know his password?" Me: "Elena, you are brain poison."

In case you were wondering, the password ended up being "Kristin Stewart." Barf.

Elsewhere, Tyler brought Caroline to the old Lockwood estate and into the old slave quarters, where there were very old chains and claw marks on the walls. "That's what this place was used for… full moons." But also, slavery.

Look what they found! Mason's diary! Uh oh, they might have to change this show's name to Werewolf Diaries!!! (DO NOT do that, producers.)

Meanwhile, Rose finally called out Elena about why she wants to contact Klaus so badly, and Elena owned up to it:

Here is Elena's reasoning: She felt that someone was DEFINITELY going to be killed by Klaus, and if she sacrificed herself she'd keep everyone else safe. But here is why Elena is a low-down dirty idiot: It's not just the doppelganger Klaus wants… he'd also have to sacrifice Caroline, Bonnie and Tyler. Right? I mean, didn't Katherine just tell her this like two days ago? So how exactly will her death keep her loved ones safe?

Or Maybe Elena simply doesn't consider those three people to be her loved ones? In which case Elena is garbage. Beep-beep-beep. The truck's a-comin'.

So then Jeremy decided he'd confront Katherine so that Bonnie wouldn't risk her health doing so. He pulled the old one-two, stake-then-magic-powder trick on her!

Jeremy momentarily disarmed Katherine, went into the tomb, and found the moonstone.

Unfortunately, he was too slow and she woke up and BIT HIM A TON.

Luckily, he threw the moonstone out of the tomb. Good thinking, Jeremy! Now if only this awful MacGuffin can be thrown down a well or something.

Then we learned why the warlock was stealing Elena's junk. It had to do with some kind of tracking spell that Elijah could use to keep tabs on her. Seriously, this was so boring and uneventful that I was considering not even mentioning it, but there was ONE hilarious thing about it:

Haha, that warlock is CROSS-EYED.

Tyler and Caroline had some research to do. Hey, did you check out Tyler's AWESOME computer?

Dude! Great wallpaper!

So obviously Mason's video diary was way better than Elena's or Stefan's diaries could ever hope to be.

It was pretty cool that Mason videotaped himself screaming into a camera for six hours straight. Very helpful. (That camera had great battery life, am I right?) But yeah, it definitely looks like turning into a werewolf sucks. Poor Tyler!

WARNING: HERE COMES THE EYE-ACTING OF THE MILLENNIUM!

Yeah. I told you so. This actually happened.

So Damon showed up and basically had to physically restrain Elena because her brain-damaged tendencies have started to become violent. But then Elijah showed up with some dudes and THIS happened:

Didn't it make you LOL when Rose bolted out of there? Rose wins. But get this: Once Elijah killed the other vampires, he left Elena and Damon alone.

Oh and then Bonnie tried to break the tomb's force field…

...by channeling Luka's powers without his knowledge. There's a term for what Bonnie did, and it's wizard rape.

This is the weirdest screen grab in history. Of course Bonnie's attempt at magic was a reprehensible failure, and Stefan ran into the tomb to save Jeremy—but instead got trapped himself. So wait a minute. Do I even need to ask? Vampires can ENTER the tomb then? It sort of seemed like earlier they couldn't, which is why Katherine felt safe from Klaus. This show!!!

So yeah, Stefan's trapped in the tomb with Katherine now. You know what's good storytelling? Invisible force fields, magic rocks, and a hundred thousand love triangles. Ugh, this episode is making me so cranky! I need some comfort food.

Ding-dong! Mashed potatoes are at the door.

Caroline was stoked to see Matt, and the poor guy seemed to really need her.

Damn werewolves! Werewolves have terrible timing.

Later, Elijah explained to the Warlock that he spared Elena and Damon to keep her "safe," which is so asinine it makes my head hurt. So he thinks it's better to not catch her and keep her safe himself? It's better to just leave it up to the Salvatores and allow them to hatch a plan in the interim? I don't understand this at all. The only thing that MIGHT make sense is if Elijah is somehow working against Klaus or whatever. I don't know. All I know is Elijah talked into the window for the whole conversation like a total weirdo.

Then Bonnie and Jeremy more or less broke it off. It was pretty sad.

Then Damon and Elena found out about Stefan getting locked behind the force field, and she threw a fit and he had to restrain her for like the fifth time this episode.

Stefan asked Damon to look after Elena for him. Fine, whatever, don't care.

Katherine was like, "That was the biggest mistake of your life, Stefan." But I DO NOT CARE about that love triangle. Elena is officially awful. Hopefully Katherine leaves the tomb and gets her own spin-off show. I think she's going to turn good anyway, or at least become "good" in the same way that Damon is.

Anyway, to sum things up, I'm really starting to worry about the youth of Mystic Falls, you guys! Here was an episode in which almost every human character attempted to die. I guess living there just really wears you down sometimes, you know?

Next week: Katherine and Stefan's shirtless hug!


Questions:

... What exactly IS Elijah's agenda?

... Are Bonnie and Jeremy dunzo?

...Why is Matt still a character?

... Where'd Rose go?

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