Well, it's been over a month since it was released. Have you watched Netflix's sorta-new horror series Hemlock Grove yet?
Yes! Then congratulations for surviving, and feel free to check out the items below and feel comfortable in the fact that you cannot be spoiled, since you've already suffered throu—I mean watched the show.
No! Well obviously this is up to you, but I heartily recommend writing a letter to your mother or my mother or doing something equally worthwhile instead of watching Hemlock Grove. That way you can look at all the pretty images below and not care about spoilers! But if you insist on watching the series or you're currently in the middle of devouring all 13 episodes, two things: First, I warned you, and second, there will be spoilers below. But because the show doesn't make that much sense, these spoilers are like me revealing the big twist at the end of that dream I had about wearing a waffle as underpants at a petting zoo full of furry toasters.
So now that we're in fertile spoiler territory, I should tell you this: SPOILER! Hemlock Grove is weird and gross nonsense! Maybe that's because of the guy who licked blood during sexual intercourse and preferred performing cunnilingus on ladies during their moon day? Or the eight-foot tall mutant sister with the cauliflower head and giant bug eye who has random eloquent voice-overs? Or the eager novelist-in-training who couldn't resist putting her mouth on things she found on the ground? Okay, more likely and more accurately, it's the whole damn show. I've had acid flashbacks that made more sense than Hemlock Grove. Hemlock Grove is guano-quality crazy bananers!
So instead of scratching your head for 13 hours while watching Hemlock Grove, why not take a gander at some of the weirdest, grossest, and bestest moments from its first season and then use them as casual conversation topics? Good? Good! Now strap yourself in get ready for a ball of confusion...
File under: Weird!
In Episode 7 (congrats if you made it that far, your medal is waiting), suave steel company heir Roman did a line of the cocaine. No big deal, he'd already done that a bunch of times in other episodes and it's not like anyone in their right mind does just one line of cocaine. Cocaine is the Lay's chips of drugs. But then he cut his face with the razor blade. Again, not really a big deal, because he'd already done that a lot too (that's what this show is like). But then he wiped the blood on his fingers, applied it like lipstick, and stared into the mirror to say, "Shut up and kiss me." And that's the scene. What does it mean? You'll have to live under a bridge for 14 years huffing old spraypaint cans to figure it out.
It reminded me of this bit from Billy Madison, but Steve Buscemi's made more sense.
Later that night, Roman would rape an Asian girl and make her tell him, "You're ugly!" (seriously), and it would be the least weird thing in the episode.
File under: Gross and Best!
Spoiler! One of the main characters on this show is a full-on man-beast of a werewolf, as is mandated under the Young Adult Entertainment Act of 2009. I know what you're saying, "Big deal, I saw a werewolf transform the other day and I didn't even pause while eating my chicken-fried steak." But did that werewolf pop out its human eyes, let its teeth fall to the ground, and most importantly, did it EAT ITS SHREDDED HUMAN FLESH AFTER? This is Hemlock Grove's ingenious lycanthropic masterpiece that puts it up there with American Werewolf in London for best werewolf change.
File under: Weird! And best.
Toward the end of the season, during a time of great stress and sadness for
Peter the werewolf, his mother Lynda, played by indie darling Lily Taylor, sat him
down for some parental wisdom. But instead of saying, "Buck up, kiddo,
you'll do alright," she delivered this meatball (NOTE: this is
100-PERCENT ACTUAL DIALOGUE from the show):
If it were a real baby peeing on him, I'd understand, because baby urine is prophetic in many cultures. But a dream about a baby peeing? That's horse apples.
File under: Weird AND gross AND best!
There's a sexy werewolf hunter on this show who belongs to a secret religious organization called the Order of the Dragon. She does a bunch of stuff but zero of it is important, and by the time she dies, you're like, "Why was she even on this show?" And then you remember, "OH she was there to have her chest skin ripped off yet still be able to talk to a mad scientist and then die when she gets smothered."
File under: Gross.
I hate barfing! It's gross and I can't stand seeing it, even if it's fake. So without further ado, here's some .GIFs of people hurling chunkaroonies in scenes from Hemlock Grove.
File under: Weird (pervert optional: best)
Clementine went to see Peter's psychic cousin to get some scoop on his werewolfism but ended up tuning in Tokyo and doing her instead, because who knows why. Ladies, is this a common occurrence?
File under: Weird and a little gross even though it's a baby
Who puts a wet leaf of cabbage on a baby's face anyway? Or is that a revitalizing placenta wrap designed to keep the kiddo's skin looking youthful? Silly baby, your skin already looks youthful, you're like zero days old! But congratulations for taking the 2013 Creepy TV Baby away from Zero Hour.
File under: Weird, but it's a little gross too.
Famke Janssen plays Roman's scary mother with a penchant for overacting and ridiculous accents. But she certainly knows how to accessorize. Fun fact: This hat was the original prototype model for the original Los Angeles Rams football team helmets.
File under: Weird
Hemlock Grove's best character is Christina, a precocious teen whose approach to novel-writing involves trying everything personally. This includes kissing half-eaten rotting corpses and licking the footprint of a wolf. But she's also a bit on the crazy side (surprise!) and prone to freakouts, as seen in this GIF. Here she is doing some extreme exfoliating of some guy's face on a first date while flashbacking to the corpse she kissed. Plus maggots, of course.
I would seriously consider not going out on a second date with her.
File under: Gross!
Letha is Roman's cousin. She also ended up getting impregnated by an angel (don't ask). What did she do when she experienced a craving? "Peanut butter and lime yogurt mixed together with gummi bears and extra M&Ms." This may be the grossest part of the whole series.
File under: Disappointing.
C'mon, backwoods hillbillies. Learn2Contraction.
File under: Gross!
Peter got his face eaten by a werewolf. But don't worry, he didn't die.
Some terrible caption ideas for this photo that didn't make the cut:
– "Who swapped my Noxema for battery acid?"
– "You told me to save face, so I cut it off and left it in a box back home!"
– "I'm a diehard fan of Face Off!"
– "How's my hair?"
So there you have it! You've seen 1/400th of all the weird, gross, and best stuff that happens in Hemlock Grove. If you'd like to see more, cough up eight bucks, get yourself a Netflix subscription, and check it out. Now stay tuned for the Weirdest, Grossest, Bestest Moments from Arrested Development!