It’s almost time for The X Factor—America’s favorite singing competition that is currently on the air right now—to begin its live performance rounds. Exciting! And tonight, FIVE acts will be given the boot. Can you believe that? Yes! It’s true! Really, it should be twelve, based on the judges’ terrible choices. But we’ll have to settle for five. But which five? Here’s who I predict will see their X Factor journey end tonight. Let me know if you agree or disagree.
Paula Abdul’s Team: The Groups
This is the most bogus of the show's categories, and everyone knows it. Right, Sony is going to award $5 million to The Stereo Hogzz or InTENsity so they can sell eleven records. Don’t forget those Brewer Boys, with their swoopy hair nests and harmonies! I would say let’s just eliminate all four groups, because that’s what’s eventually going to happen anyway, but I think the show will stretch that out over a few weeks so it doesn't seem as obvious that this entire endeavor is a complete sham. So tonight, let’s just release all 450 members of InTENsity. And The Brewer Boys. Byeeee, kids.
Nicole Scherzinger’s Team: The Over 40s
For some reason, the caterwauling of the runny-mascara’d Stacy Francis seems to delight the judges to no end. Hopefully America will soon open its ears and search its heart and realize that woman is the worst. But tonight, Dexter Haygood will bid us adieu. This is where the contestants start paying their dues—in sweat, not in Mick Jagger ripoff moves.
L.A. Reid’s Team: The Boys
Do you want to know how much I dislike Brian “Astro” Bradley, the little collar-poppin’ punk who L.A. Reid seems to think has a recording career ahead of him? A lot. (Sorry, I know that was a bit of a letdown.) But I don’t think the kid is going home just yet. Neither is Chris Rene, the recovering addict. As for Phillip Lomax, the Sinatra impersonator, well, he’s on the bubble. But Marcus Canty, he’s out of here. Good night, Marcus. You are a shining star with an incredible spirit, according to Paula Abdul.
Simon Cowell’s Team: The Girls
This race is three-way tie between Jazzy Junior Miss Rachel Crow, Simone “The Ick Factor” Battle, and Tiah “Simon Had to Include Her to Prove He Was Right” Tolliver. Rachel has updated her look (see above), so maybe she’ll be a little less 13-going-on-50 tonight, and more 30-going-on-50. Muuuch better. But Tiah’s days are numbered. In fact, today is her last one! Goodbye, TT.
Who do you think will go home tonight? Who should go home?