What to watch on Friday, March 25.
I'm very sorry to hear about the terrible roller blading accident you had this morning. The full-body cast will probably be uncomfortable, but at least your bones will have time to heal (as will the petting zoo, taco stand, and Tuesday Morning that you destroyed). Look on the bright side: You may not be able to move, but you won't NEED to move, what with all these great things on TV all weekend:
Tonight things get intense for Olivia in the alternate universe. I mean, not as intense as things are in the REAL WORLD where we haven't heard whether this show has been renewed or not. But, you know, intense enough.
SEASON PREMIERE, 8pm, ABC
Mark Cuban's entrepreneurship reality show returns tonight with a new menagerie of weirdos trying to hawk their business ideas. I myself had a great idea for an invention: A bed that you can keep in the bathroom. It's called The Bathroom Bed. What do you all think?
SEASON FINALE, 12am, HBO
Funny or Die Presents
TIM AND ERIC ALERT! Yeah, this anthology series never really lived up to its potential, but its few bright spots include any segments from Tim Heidecker & Eric Wareheim, the Adult Swim po-mo-co (post-modern comedy?) auteurs. In tonight's season finale of Funny or Die Presents, check out Tim and Eric's official Sundance short film selection, "The Terrys."
SEASON FINALE, 11pm, Comedy Central
Comedy Central Presents: Natasha Leggero
In tonight's Season 15 (!) finale, Comedy Central Presents shines the spotlight on internet favorite Natasha Leggero. By "internet favorite," I mean that your parents don't know who she is, but cool people do? I'm not sure anymore. Look, I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, but you should probably tune in and watch this lady do her thing. She's great! "And so pretty." —Your mom.
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 8pm, Disney Channel
The Suite Life on Deck Movie
This is probably the movie event of 2011? Just kidding, it's just some movie on cable tonight. If you have children or bad taste in television, then you've probably seen The Suite Life On Deck while patiently waiting for The Wizards of Waverly Place to come on, so it may excite you to know that this here is a big budget ("big budget") movie where Zack and Cody agree to be experimented upon in a twin research facility and magical powers ensue? Plus: hijinks!
PLUS ALL NEW EPISODES OF...
Kitchen Nightmares, 8 p.m., Fox
Who Do You Think You Are?, 8 p.m., NBC
Say Yes to the Dress, 9 p.m., TLC
The Ricky Gervais Show, 9 p.m., HBO
20/20, 10 p.m., ABC
American Loggers, 10 p.m., Discovery
DC Cupcakes, 10 p.m. & 10:30 p.m., TLC
Merlin, 10 p.m., Syfy
Onion News Network, SEASON FINALE, 10 p.m., IFC
The Soup, 10 p.m., E!
Fashion Police, 10:30 p.m., E!
What to watch on Saturday, March 26.
No Ordinary Family
Tonight, Stephanie attempts to protect the family after getting a foreboding glimpse into the future. What, did she see ABC's fall lineup? Haha. But seriously folks, the fact that ABC is dumping a brand-new episode of this show onto the Saturday-night schedule does not bode well for this series. (Also, the fact that both lead actors are filming pilots for new shows as we speak.) So basically, if you love this show, start getting mentally prepared for heartbreak, because this thing is not coming back next year.
11:30pm, Comedy Central
Norm Macdonald: Me Doing Stand-Up
This is basically a perfect title for a standup special starring Norm Macdonald. If you're like me and you get weirdly angry whenever someone mentions the name Colin Quinn, then tonight is OUR night. Norm Macdonald is the best. Let's all watch this and hold hands. (Norm Macdonald's Twitter feed is the best, too.)
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 9pm, Syfy
Scream of the Banshee
In Syfy's 200th (!) original movie, when Professor Lauren Holly (haha what?) and her students accidentally free a murderous monster from an antique box, it's up to Lance Henrikson to take care of business. Whoops, I had big plans for the weekend, but Syfy just canceled them!
What to watch on Sunday, March 27.
The question is not whether Paul Rudd will be a guest voice tonight (Paul Rudd will definitely be a guest voice tonight). The question is whether his cartoon avatar will also be a dreamboat? Tune in as Rudd plays a therapist who urges Homer and Bart to reverse their father-son relationship. Plus KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR as himself. Only good things can come of this.
Speaking of good things: this show. Tonight Louise feels left out of Bob and Gene's bonding sessions while Tina attempts to handle her aggression by trying a new conflict-resolution program.
SEASON FINALE, 10pm, Showtime
There'll be tons of upheaval in Frank's house in tonight's season finale: Lip and Ian get thrown in jail for stealing cars, Frank is forced to go into hiding after his Karen-related secret is revealed, and Steve tries to get Fiona to leave town with him and then reveals his actual occupation in the process. I've said it before and I'll say it again: These people are just... What's the word? It's right on the tip of my tongue. Dang. Oh well.
ORIGINAL MINISERIES, 9pm, HBO
This is kind of a big deal, you guys. Noted awesome director Todd Haynes teams up with noted lady heartthrob Kate Winslet for this five-part miniseries about a Depression-era housewife who must keep her life together after her husband leaves. Melissa Leo will also appear, probably reprising her role from The Fighter? Hopefully.
SPECIAL, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Martha Stewart Presents: Men Who Make Us Laugh
As Martha Stewart's slow, creeping takeover of the Hallmark Channel continues, check out this special she made about the "men who make us laugh." Now, I know what you're thinking: Martha Stewart laughs? Yes! I'm telling you, she's very underrated comedically. Her recent Mardi Gras-themed visit to Conan was unbelievably silly, and have you ever seen her amazing straight-man performance opposite Amy Sedaris? YouTube it. Anyway, look who she's interviewing here: Conan O'Brien and SNL's Seth Meyers. I don't know, I think it's about time for Martha Stewart to start getting her comedic due.
PLUS ALL NEW EPISODES OF...
60 Minutes, 7 p.m., CBS
America's Funniest Home Videos, 7 p.m., ABC
America's Next Great Restaurant, 8 p.m., NBC
Secret Millionaire, 8 p.m., ABC
The Amazing Race, 8 p.m., CBS
The Food Network Challenge, 8 p.m., Food Network
40 Greatest Pranks 3, 9 p.m., VH1
Army Wives, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Californication, SEASON FINALE, 9 p.m., Showtime
Celebrity Apprentice, 9 p.m., NBC
Chopped All-Stars, 9 p.m., Food Network
CSI: Miami, 9 p.m., CBS
Holmes Inspection, 9 p.m., HGTV
Sister Wives, 9 p.m., TLC
Undercover Boss, 9 p.m., CBS
American Dad, 9:30 p.m., Fox
Coming Home, 10 p.m., Lifetime
Breakout Kings, 10 p.m., A&E;
Kourtney and Kim Take New York, 10 p.m., E!
Lisa Lampanelli: Tough Love, 10 p.m., Comedy Central
The Real Housewives of Orange County, 10 p.m., Bravo
Holly's World, 10:30, E!
What are you watching this weekend?