Not like I'm obsessed with True Blood or anything, but with Season 4 debuting on Sunday, here's a map I whipped up for my next mental vacation to my favorite city. Feel free to tag along for a quick tour of the following local landmarks:
Merlotte's: Any visit to Bon Temps would have to start here. Its the unofficial center of town and appears to have a stranglehold on the local liquor business. Almost everybody works here: Sam runs the place, Arlene and Randy, Sookie, and Jessica (nightshifts), Sam's little brother (until recently), Lafayette and Tara (when she isn't being held captive by depression or vampires.)
Merlotte's Staff Parking Lot: We will avoid parking here, since there have been two murders, an attempted draining, and a chain fight in this small, wooded space. The barmaids at Merlotte's are always asking to be walked out to their cars. How many more bodies have to drop before Sam lets his waitresses park out front or puts up a few more motion lights?
Ancestral Graveyard: A very romantic spot to make out with your significant other in an open grave while the rain churns the earth around you into mud.
Sookie's House: Given that Sookie rescinded Bill's invitation in the Season 3 finale, she'd probably appreciate some company. After seeing the blood orgy that went down in her kitchen in Season 2, I will definitely insist on bottled water. The living room still probably smells a little like hell moss.
Bill's House: Since we've learned from Eric that Bill was ordered to meet Sookie by the Queen of Louisiana (and therefore their relationship is kind of a lie), I'd only stop by Bill's if I felt like breaking a few windows. And I don't, because I appreciate antique glass too much.
Tara's House: When Tara's in Bon Temps, she seems to divide her time between wrecking Sookie's house and getting down in hotels, but her mom's recent conversion to uber self-righteousness might make for an interesting lunch hour. Plus I really want to see childhood photos of Tara putting away groceries and running her house while her mom naps through Donahue.
Swamp Witch: The Swamp Witch was killed at the beginning of Season 2, but that doesn't mean her little hidey-hole trailer isn't still around. Step carefully in the swamp! You never know when you'll run into a witch/part-time Walgreens cashier.
Hoyt and Jason are living together now, and that means two things: Titties and biscuits. Hoyt's girlfriend makes the biscuits. Hoyt recently moved out and left Jason to his own devices. That means one thing to me: no more biscuits. I'd probably try to hang out here briefly, but the second I see a meth-dealing were-panther, I am out.
The Hospital: It would be really sweet and thoughtful to stop by the hospital and check in on Arlene, who is laid up with Rene's evil baby still in her womb. This show has made it clear many times over that witchcraft is a sorry substitute for proper healthcare.
Lafayette's Place: This could be a lot more fun, depending on Lafayette's mood. We could all do V and make YouTube videos of ourselves dancing around with Halloween masks on, or Lafayette could have a PTSD/magic flashback and conjure glittering vomit out of all of our orifices. I mean, we're definitely going to stop by either way, but bring a change of shorts.
Bon Temps High School: I don't think strangers can just walk into a high school, but the way Jason clings to his senior year football record, there's probably a giant monument to him out front we can snap photos in front of.
Police Department: Jason "works" here, and Detective Bellefleur seems to have a pretty lax visiting/hiring policy, so we might even be able to file stuff for a couple hours and make a little pocket money.
Arlene's House: Located really close to the scene of Maudette's murder (which started off Season 1). There's also a Waffle House nearby (which I love). Double-decker blueberry-waffle bacon sandwich please!
Motel: This place must have reasonable rates, because Tara lives here just about full-time. Just remember that you get what you pay for, security-wise, because was tied to a toilet in here for a good 24 hours. No maid came in to change the sheets in all that time? Tsk tsk.
Note: Once it gets dark, we'll be hopping back on the road and heading straight for Fangtasia so as not to become one of the blood droplet icons on the map.
Bonus: Can you identify all the murders on the map from the last three seasons? Post your answers in comments!
True Blood Season 4 premieres Sunday, June 26 at 9pm on HBO.
Psst! Check in to True Blood on TV.com Relay during Sunday's season premiere and earn the first of four True Blood badges.