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True Blood: Maker's Marks

True Blood S05E03: "Whatever I Am, You Made Me"


No one older than three in 2012 has not asked themselves at some point, “Would I be a vampire?” I mean, come on: Born into Buffy, raised by Twilight, there’s no escaping the question unless you live in the sewers with your rat sensei, training with your turtle brothers. And the opening shot of this week’s episode of True Blood would be the first PowerPoint slide in my two-hour presentation of “HELL YES: I would be a vampire.”

It’s aaalll about the heightened senses (invincibility, immortality, and not aging are also pretty dope). Watching Tara take on the world like a drugged-out child, seeing the galaxies like she’s watching the Creator paint on glass from the other side of the pane. Like HELL YES. Of course, the sticking point is, could you deal with MURDERING people? Even if you decided not to, could you handle WANTING to, to be a predator hungry for people? Good, normal folk so innocent they still wear side ponytails? Could you handle living as apparently Tara has decided to (since she pulled away from her own first easy kill of a side-ponytail-er), subsisting on a diet of fake blood that probably tastes like Red Bull and V8?

The kid vampire and his grown-up colleagues did not impress me in our second visit to the Authority’s Super Secret HQ. Christopher Meloni/Roman was giving his pipes a workout, screaming and whispering and whispering and screaming. Steve Newlin is the replacement for Nan Flanagan, kind of the way Ryan Seacrest seamlessly stepped into the shoes of Dick Clark. Steve started waxing on about how he’d sell the humans the party line, like a Barnum figure ruminating on all the suckers born every minute, and the Guardian got very angry (note: He has not yet been un-angry) about Steve’s condescending attitude toward humans. So we are supposed to like the Guardian? He is presumably on our side. Of course, Marnie was also pro-human and still a total dickhead, but the points Guarddog made are ones any thinking person would appreciate. Don’t round up humans like cattle! Everyone just chill!

Roman also gave Salome a mission: Bone Eric and Bill. I mean, I’m not sure if that’s what he said, but it’s definitely what she heard.

Tina Majorino from Andre is part of the Vampire Geek Squad and had a cute, chipper moment installing remotely activiated BDSM harnesses onto Eric and Bill. Remember how I complained last week that everything Bill and Eric do now is only motivated by a threat of death? Well now that will literally be the case for presumably every minute of the season, because at the mere touch of a smartphone Eric and Bill could both be “goo.” I AM SO SURE. Alan Ball knows no one would keep this show on for five minutes if he killed off either of these gravy trains.

Look at Sookie without one of them across from her: Doesn’t she seem tragic? Getting yelled at by Laffayette while she tries to clean up her house? You can already see the butter pecan ice cream and sweatpants hovering in her future, hear her gently laughing to herself all alone at her kitchen table over the latest Cathy cartoon, pouring a shot into her coffee because, well, why not? Seriously, without a vampire boyfriend to worry about, Sookie just steps off the breaks and SOARS down the Tragic Middle-Aged Spinster Who Runs a Year-Round Christmas Store Highway.

Tara, after being terrified by her own monstrous behavior, turned to Sam, who gives her several crates of True Blood. (Remember when they used to bone?) She chugged it without showing much thought to ladylike table manners.

(Do you think he quietly wrote out a tab to present her with later?) Tara talked big sh*t on Sookie and Lafayette and then zonked out like a toddler after Thanksgiving. Awww. Kind of sweet. I would be in HUGE favor of a Sam-Tara romance resurgence.

As morning came to Bon Temps, Andy got teased about an insanely flattering picture of him tastefully draped across a bed naked. Like, this was staged and lit and Photoshopped like crazy.

If I had a boudoir shot of myself that sensuous I’d screen it on a T-shirt and wear it around town. Which is what Andy basically did, flashing the photo when he went around questioning people about Debbie Pelt. He made super sure his Wiccan girlfriend saw it. They are offish a couple (*stifles yawn*).

Also, Debbie Pelt has parents and NOW they’re worried about her. Not when she was experimenting with V, Ke$ha hair, and torturing vampires. She’s shown a past of rambling around with gangs and drug dealers but suddenly, now that they haven’t heard from her in less than 24 hours, her parents have a hunch that something is amiss and they are ON THE CASE.

Jason went to an AMAZING new location, a grocery store that looked like one of those little markets you sometimes find at big campsites, that sells goggles and marshmallows. Turns out Jason was the victim of Sexy Teacher Abuse.

The recent epidemic of Sexy Teacher Abuse seems so counter-intuitive I’ve started to suspect the tween boys are actually at fault, like they’ve been tying up Barbie Dolls with ancient amulets and casting Weird Science-type spells to make these foxy teachers come to life, because this lady is prowling her middle school for dates? In what world!? Ours, apparently. I’m being glib but it truly turns my stomach that these women prey on children, and because of sexist double standards no one takes it as seriously as it should be taken. These boys have their childhoods cut short and I guess that’s what happened to Jason.

Sookie and Laffayette returned to work. Sam is super flustered by Sookie even after all these years and Laffayette was NOT pleased that Tara was in the walk-in freezer, but Laffayette, I’m not pleased you are at work. What the hell?I know yours and Sookie’s combined bank accounts equal $47.98 but take a damn sick day already. Even the most menial jobs I’ve held, when someone lost a loved one we all passed the hat and donated time off and made sure that person got to grieve for two weeks. Yet here was Lafayette, less than two days out from that time a witch possessed his body and made him stab his partner, just making some gumbo and slipping into an overly pronounced Cajun accent. This is exactly why companies need the kind of comprehensive benefits that allow paid leave. You push a grieving man too far, an ancient demon may take over his body and put bleach in your gumbo. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Oh p.s. Terry is leaving. He refuses to say why. Everyone is secretly relieved.

OLD TIME SAN FRANCISCKY, INTERIOR WHORE HOUSE:

This softly filmed Lifetime vignette explained a lot about Pam and Bill and Eric. For starters, Pam has always been the icy-hearted, sassy bitch we love, demanding Lorena and Bill pay for the girls they drained (Eric trying not to laugh when she demanded $500 a head was super charming).

Bill and Eric hated each other on sight (like most couples. What a meet cute!), and Eric was really into extolling the virtues of good vampire parenting. Seriously he could not stop going off about the bond between maker and progeny. Even after he and Pam had ravaged each other while keeping their hair looking nice, he still had a lot to say about the profound responsibility of being a maker. Thoughts that I hope got through to Pam.

I like that Pam backed Eric into turning her, slitting her wrists and telling him to turn her or watch her die. She fought to become a vampire, and it explains a lot of her gratitude and devotion to Eric. Sure, in some corner of my heart I wish it had been Eric’s idea, but it’s a good story move to make Pamr and Tara so diametrically opposed to the question I threw out at the beginning of this review, the “Would you be a vampire?” thesis. You will have every possible practical advantage, but you’ll lose your humanity: your kindness, your empathy. Deal or no deal? Pam, as a salty and kind of racist San Francisco madam, is not going to lose any sleep over that touchy-feely B.S.

Meanwhile, Salome dressed up in her Moulin Rouge costume to seduce Bill. In this scene someone got to really lay their Bible fan fiction on us (BTW the Bible is no better than US Weekly, as Salome hilariously remarked) and re-work Salome as a misunderstood, sexually abused teen. The only portrayal of Salome that matters is Ken Russell's Salome's Last Dance but we’ll put that aside for now. Suffice to say she seduced Bill and Eric to make sure they weren’t Sanguinista, but she herself seems like Prime Suspect #1 for Sanguinista Covert Ops. RIGHT? Don’t you think she’s Sanguinista? Whatever that is? I’m still not sure what about Bill about Eric’s sexual styles told her they weren’t Sanguinista, but I have some questions ‘bout sex, baby.

1. I get that all vampires are pure appetite, and sex is tied to that...yet as casually as they hook up (see the storage container at the docks), you’d think after a few hundred years another vampire untying her top and revealing—TA DA!!!—the bags of fat above her ribs would get a little “meh”? Maybe it’s the heterosexual woman in me but surely tits are kind of “whatever” after a couple millennia?

2. Isn’t sex on this show starting to feel a little boring? Sex feels weirdly stake-less, now that they’ve all effed each other/strangers/enemies/friends/sisters. True Blood channeled a teen drama vibe in its first seasons because everything felt huge and new and significant. Bill and Sookie having sex was practically the climax of the first season’s arc. That’s all kind of drained away, and now sex is almost better as a punchline on the show. I don’t know, just all these random sex scenes with characters we just met. It's boring and confusing.

Our best hope for meaningful/intense romance on this show rests with Jessica. She smelled a fairy (OBVIOUSLY), chased him into the woods, and then hopped by Jason’s all revved up and down to bone.

And then when he revealed that he is super conflicted about having sex all of a sudden she, instead of snapping, “Well what the hell good are you then? Don’t start eating carbs now, you weirdo,” offered, like the good dorky middle school girl she is, put on her sweats and offered to bro down with him. Yes, she’s not all Kool-Aid hair streaks and Rock Band (or whatever dorky middle school girls think is cool). She’s also a fundamentally good person. Her romance with Jason continues her arc as one of the most nuanced and enjoyable on the show.

As for this one! This was a hard laugh for me, folks. Looking angry in Adam Lambert eye liner and a mesh tank is something no actor can really pull off.

So obviously, the big and kind of revolutionary thing that happened was Tara calling Sookie out in front of Alcide. She kind of called it that Sookie was covering up killing Debbie not out of fear but out of fear that she’d lose one of her supernatural suitors. Like damn!

When you have it out with your best friend, it all comes out, doesn’t it? Sookie did have to 'fess up to Alcide and he took off into the night. Has her cuteness lost its power over Alcide? Will he narc on her for shooting a gun-wielding intruder in her own home who had just killed her best friend? (Like, that’s so legal it’s practically required.) I’m sorry but much like Tara I am just not worried about Ol' Taserhands. She’ll be fine.

Tara, having disowned her human loved ones, decided to end her life, HILARIOUSLY in a tanning bed. Haven’t we all, girl! Some of us do it over the course of decades. Seriously this was a brilliant modern investigation of vampire logic (it's not daylight but is it?) that was both kind of touching (she doesn’t want to be a vampire! Her humanity is too strong!) and comedic (two of my favorite things for shows to be). And even better was Pam’s chilly reaction. “That stupid bitch.”

OBVIOUSLY Pam’s going to go save her, yes?! This was Tara’s call for help to her second negligent mom. Like, if she wanted to be dead she’d hang out 'til the sun came up. This whole tanning booth thing is an obvious cry for help to her maker. Surely Pam will set things right?!


Let’s discuss:

1. Will Pam save Tara?

2. Will Alcide turn Sookie into the cops/Debbie Pelt’s parents/stop liking her now?

3. Guardian of the Authority: hero or villain?

4. Vampire sexuality: Would titties eventually get boring if you lived forever, guys?

5. Is lying down in a tanning bed the equivalent of cutting for a vampire girl?

6. Would you be a vampire?

Comments (119)
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I found Newlin to be very irratating and annoying, what's the deal with him? He's too overly happy and excited..



Roman I do think he's both good and bad. Gotta love when Meloni took off his shirt, the guy is one handsome hot man. Sorry just a happen to have a bad crush on him.. He's very good playing Roman, I couldn't picture anyone else playing him.



Tara I do get why she tried to kill herself, love the name of the store: Curl up and fry.. She doesn't like vampires and never wanted to be one. I can understand her reasons, she seriously cannot go back to what she once was. She needs to do deal with who she is now.



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This episode was a slog. Way too long, way too boring. Also, gratuitousness is stupid.
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1- Ugh yes

2- Nooo, he's too good....for Sookaaah. *shakes fist*

3- It depends on which side you're on

4- Definitely! Technology advances but sex stays the same. BORING.

5- Is something burning? *sniff*

6- I think, yes.
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Loving the Tara dynamic. She is destined to be the conflicted Vampire, because we've yet to see that, Bill maybe in the first season but that went away fast. Love Tara. I love Hoyt, not sure why others don't like him. I like the fact he's coming out of his comfort zone, Jessica did a job on him. But I think it's making him more interesting. Bill, Eric has yet to interest me in anyway. They're quite boring. As well as Jessica. And like you I wouldn't have a problem if they revisited Sam and Tara, especially now since they're on even kilter.
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I love the Pam/Eric flashbacks (Pam is totally my fav). Also, I'm so happy to find someone else who doesn't hate Tara!



I was pretty "meh" about Jessica/Jason last season but this episode made me really like them together.



Also I don't think I would be a vampire. If you asked me this when I was 15 my answer would have been "hell yeah I would!" but now... Eh. Unless you give me fun vampires to hang out with like Eric and Pam.
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Unfortunately I think Pam will save Tara. I'd still watch if Bill died but not if Eric died. Can't stand Bill.

And of course I'd become a vampire!
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1.- Yes, sadly. (I can't stand Tara).

2.- No, he's an extraordinary friend.

3.- Neither.

4.- I don't understand the question, i mean how could you put "titties" and "boring" on the same sentence?

5.- No, i think she was a stupid human girl, therefore she's going to be a stupid vampire.

6.-Yes, immediately, no questions asked.
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I fully agree that having Debbie's parents suddenly show up when she's been missing for less than 2 days, to start playing detectives is pretty lackluster. This season is off to a mostly boring start, including the sexy stuff. Though an eternity of tits and ass should never lose its excitement, right?
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I've been loving Pam's flashbacks. It would've been more appropriate to have it all in one episode, but at least this gives me something to look forward to every episode. I like the fact that she wanted to be a vampire, unlike the other characters. Bill, Jessica, and Tara were all forced, Eric wanted it but was on the brink of death anyway. It really seperates her from the other vampire characters, and is a big contrast to Tara right now. However, I can't help but feel these flashbacks are a season or two too late. It just tells me Ball has wasted so much time on pointless shit like Tommy and the werepanthers. I don't mind the Authority stuff, but maybe that's because I'm sick of the central focus being on anything but vampires (ie maenads, witches). Hopefully this season can pick up once Russell returns in full force.
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I would absolutely watch an entire spinoff series called "Whore or Less" or something about Pam and Eric's flashback story line. In fact, THATS what this season should have been. 80% this Deadwoodesque from soiled-dove-point-of-view flashback. Even late, its pretty awesome. I agree Tommy/Terry/Andy storylines could all be happily sacrificed for more screentime with the like, 3 characters we all actually love (Pam, Eric, human Pam etc.) Should we start a petition?
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Pam, Eric, and human Pam. Haha! Those are the three characters I love. I admit, one of the reasons I think Pam's story has been so enjoyable is because the writers have never really given her anything personal to do before, so it feels fresh. And she is a character that fans have demanded more of, unlike Terry, so that helps. The writers are just cycling ideas for all the other characters at this point, so they seem dull. I would definitely watch the Eric & Pam show.
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Still enjoy the books more. Perhaps the reason Jason slept with his teacher is because he is part fae but like they stated in the book he has no powers aside from attraction. His fae sexual prowess is his strength and is weakness. Very cool. I don't think that teach had a shot against his supernatural seduction. I am not sure how I feel about Tara. In previous seasons I wanted her to jump off a cliff but i'm not too sure anymore. Pam is by far one of the best characters.
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Tara becoming a vampire after hating vampires so much is one of the more interesting things that could have happened to her character. It's very weird taht she'd rather be dead than a vampire but it is interesting that Steve Newlin at one time also hated vampires and is now LOVING being a vampire and hating his past life, whereas Tara is trying to restrain her murderous, vampire impulses. There's a message hiding there, behind all the snowy, chiseled abs.
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The main storyline for this season has been a big improvement over last season, but the rest of the characters are just dragging their feet waiting for something to happen.



I'd be happier if I hated some of the stuff this year... but a LOT of it just evokes no emotion at all. Which is worse, much worse.



Also, just ****ing kill Hoyt already... you've already ruined his character, just put him (and us) out of his misery.
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what? no mention of the supernatural fairy bitch slap Sookie gave to Pam?
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That was a good one, Pam had it coming.
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It crossed my mind, but it wasn't exactly a surprise at this point (Pam calls her Tinkerbelle) and Sookie had publicly displayed her fairy fireball powers last season at the Festival of Tolerance when she blew witches sky high off of Eric and Bill.
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Yes, unfortunately, Pam will save Tara, this time. As Spider-man said (in Family Guy), everyone gets 'one' free. On the up side, she will be the most acerbic and world wise vampire mother hen ever.



As almost everyone has already pointed out, Sookie's fairy parts solve everything. I'm sure she'll be launching fairy-balls from her nethers soon enough.



The Authority comes across as dreamed up by 13 year olds. The Cobra HQ is just sad. I think the Guardian wants to come across as good intentioned, but his hemorrhoids are acting up, so he's always growling and ready to threaten. Really a softy until proven otherwise. He needs a Flashback to Greatness to prove his bona fides.



Any body part fetish can become boring, even titties. Good thing there is such a variety for the connoisseur. As a vampire, necks can never get boring.



The tanning bed is more like rolling in a tub full of broken glass. Tara's going to look like a raw burger coated with chicharrnes. A couple steps up from wearing a silver tennis bracelet.



I would be a vampire, but a boring one in the context of the show. I'm more interested in the ebb and flow of human civilization, and the possibility of space colonization. So many wonderful things to learn and experience. Maybe I'd be more interested in fairy lady parts after I was made.
More+
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Wooo! I laughed out loud at your description of Tara post tanning bed :D
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your view point in not the right one to write a review on this show. your not the target audience
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I'm between 18-35 and pay for HBO, so I'm EXACTLY the target audience.
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Did anyone else imagine themselves as an old italian woman scowling and spitting at the floor when they read "raised by twilight"



...or was that just me
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If I wanted Perez Hilton to write a bulk of this review....
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1. Yes

2. No, Alcide will get closer to Sookie.

3. 50/50 That's why he is so awesome... I think Russel will finish him though

4. No, it's holy.

5. Yeah

6. No thank you. Humans Rule.
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1. Obviously.

2. No on all counts.

3. He's definitely a bit of both. I have a feeling he's going to need to die at some point in this season.

4. Never. The same *pair* of titties would get boring, but you can always find someone else!

5. Seems kind of silly. I couldn't help thinking why she didn't just stake herself if she wanted to die. Obviously this gives the small window needed for someone to forcefully save her that staking would not allow.

6. Hells ya. I'd definitely be like Bill, mainstreaming it, with maybe the occasional partial feed, but I definitely couldn't be Eric, rampaging about all willy-nilly.
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It might not yet be as good as the first 3 seasons but I think this season is much more promising than the last one. Still hoping anyway.

1.Of course she will. Pam's good for Tara and the other way around so let's see where that goes...

2.No, no and no but later defineltly yes to the last one.

3.Tragic hero?Nah, Roman is a dick.

4.If you are after a 1000 years still be sexual active, a heterosexual male vampire still cares for boobies. See Eric. Godrich though ... he might have been the "meh" kind of vampire. So maybe ANYTHING gets boring after a while.

5. Exactly.

6. That or a shapeshifter
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I don't think Roman is a dick at all, i think he about to burst out killing someone very soon.
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I don't know if it's me, but after three episodes I still am not "into" this season: too many storylines all disconnected from each other, giving the show a very fragmented feeling, and almost all very uninvolving.



I just HOPE it's one of those tv series' seasons that need to set a lot of foreplay before things start progressing, because for now it's pretty dead.
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It's not just you, this season so far has been a mess. I also really hope that it gets better.... keep hoping.
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In True Blood's defense, any show five seasons in has a lot on its plate. You only have to look at the way the Simpsons changed as a show to see the challenges on a world with finite characters and finite perimeters. That having been said, I think introducing a flurry of new characters is weakening the viewer's relationship to the story exponentially.
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1. Yes, of course and may be Pam wil regcognize, she has a duty as maker.

2. No. alcide will still love sookie, whatever stupide thing she will make.

3. dont know. this authority thing is still boring.

4. im a girl, but I dont think.

5. may be. Taras feeling are complicated.

6. Oh please, bite me!!
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btw the reason debbies parents are looking for her is obviously because sherrif Belfleour (sp?) called them when they found her car. Also pot shotting at religionl, whatever the religion is bad taste in a professional article, at least in my opinion.
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Who wants to read an article written in good taste? Sounds boring.
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Damn boring. If anything, I often bristle at the restraint.
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Just let her die already! Worst. character. on. television. ever!
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1)I hope NOT!!Tara has been dead for years!Just kill her off already!

2)I admired Alcide soooo much for being mad at Sookie and leaving her !Take that,Bill and Eric!!However,I fear he will try to help her instead of turning her in or ripping her head off! *sigh*

3)Who cares??When Roman took his shirt off I was like "heeelloooo there Mr Meloni!".How come I never saw THAT all these years I've been watching 'Law and Order'?? I wouldn't care if this guy sucked me dry as long as he was shirtless while doing it!

4)I'm a girl and I'm straight so it's already kinda boring watching another woman getting naked.

5)Hmmmm....

6)Yeah!As long as I would get to walk in the sun without bursting into flames!
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Second that, Meloni is one hot handsome man especially when he's shirtless. There were a few scenes on SVU that he had his shirt off, but it wasn't enough
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Beautiful opening scene with Tara looking up at the stars and the milky way, and her heightened senses...Hell yes I'd become a vampire. Preferably at age 40. My intended prime.
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I thought that scenes was great..
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Pam is still the best thing on this show... Most interesting Plot so far (and probably ever) Pam as Tara's maker... now am excited to see how that relationship would go. We've seen Pam's loyalty to his maker (she's probably got the best maker on earth - I mean, Bill isn't as affectionate to Jessica as Eric is to Pam) now let's see her as a maker. to someone she practically tired to kill one to many times already and who hates her to hell...
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HEY, you forgot to mention the scene where Pam pushes Sookie through a table and Sookie retaliates by blasting Pam off her high horse with her fairy fingers.



That would be an awesome power to have. If only it didn't come with a pink tinge.
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This show has really gone down hill, in it's first few seasons it was clever, cool, and funny. Now it's painful watching almost every character. They're all pissed at each other, or just pissed in general. I don't like watching shows were everybody's yelling at everybody and nobody's ever happy. This show's weakest point are it's humans, they're all terrible to watch, some who were just there for comic relief originally are now getting their own arcs (I used to love Lafayette but now he's a dick to everyone and is never funny) which is nice for character development but do we really need that for them? And if so does it need to be done for all of them at once? If I started watching this show now I would never watch it again, I only continue watching in hopes it will return to what it used to be like, eventually.
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Did anyone else notice that cat at the teachers house hissed at Jason really violently? I know the teacher said the cat didn't like anybody but I thought maybe it could mean that Jason may still turn into a werepanther?? Back last season at the full moon I thought maybe it was just a misdirection and he would not end up turning til the next full moon for some reason...hmm....I always thought it was cool he turned in the books heres hoping they might decide to go that way on the show.
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I would absolutely love if they made Jason transform, but as he hasn't already, mabye it was a tip of the hat to his lady gang-rape in hotshot, like some kind of subliminal tie to both incidences of sexual abuse? He really has the most tragic arc of any of them at this point, between losing Lizzy Caplan season one and shooting Eggs and what not and not even a carb to comfort himself with.
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I was wondering what that was about too, he did a decent cat's "Hsss" sound back at it.



But nah, they dropped it. Unless either Alcide was lying or Were-cats have different rules than Were-wolves on the show.
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I would've said something about Ball having the decency to drop the more stupid story arcs, and then a Faerie walked into a clothing store this week...
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answer to question 4 is no
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My first thought seeing Tara trying to kill herself was "This is the first time i've seen a black person in a tanning bed."

I agree, theres so much sex, its getting redundant and having less of an impact. I read the books and its not nearly as sexualized as the show which i'm begining to appreciate.

Despite all its faults, I'll always love and watch this show.

<3 you True Blood

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In countries were it's dark most of the time (pole side of artic and antarctic circle), a lot of black people have to use tanning beds because their skin color blocks to much UV radiation and prevents sufficient vitamin D production.
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That's a fair point. The other side of the coin of light people burning to a crisp in Africa.



Evolution...whoa.
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"My first thought seeing Tara trying to kill herself was "This is the first time i've seen a black person in a tanning bed."



As a black person, I find this to be Hilarious!!!
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This show's just plain bad, but I'm still enjoying it more than last year. I at least find myself watching it with a flat face more than the angry face I had back then. On a positive note, I can say that it's looking to go snugly into the middle (1, 3, 5, 2, 4).



I did think it was cute of them to throw in that Bill is "so strong to be so young," in an attempt to explain how he gets to hold his own against virtually everyone who's older than he is. He's the other star, so fine. When you tie yourself in enough knots, sometimes you just have to cut the rope, right?



And unlike Jason, Bill and Sookie know that they're on God's 'Do-Never-Kill' list, so they can be badass and fearless to everyone who should've killed them with a thought. Eric admired Bill's courage when they first met, and Pam becomes the next supersped vampire that stands there and eats a Sookieball. Fine...k...w/e.



Seriously, is Chris Meloni allergic to baby powder? Is there a community out there he's worried about offending? He's supposed to be the leader of the leader of vampires (until the next one pops up) and he's just a guy. I like him normally, but he might be the most 'whatever' character to pop up on this show. Monumental failure to make that guy so ungreat.



I almost felt bad about saying the kid sucked, but then he spoke again. It really could've been an interesting role. That's all.



I almost started to like Tara (for once, not again), but then she started talking again, so...no. I like Rutina, though. Pam's gonna save her, obviously. They might actually have decent chemistry. I can hope for it...since it's all coming at us either way.



Jason feeling bad and tentative about having all the sex has been done...every year since the second. Poor baby. This is why Stupid sucks. I didn't really give it much thought, but I realized I hate Jason at least as much as I hate Sookie. I don't root for good things to happen with him. Even when he gets with Jessica (more? again?), it'll really just be for a few episodes, and just another arc to shrug off, like Tiny Packmaster (RIP, little guy).



Jessica running out into the woods after the faerie guy in her pink hootchie outfit *was* stupid, but *looked great*. Almost worth the knowledge that they're bringing that stupid crap back to us.



One character who hasn't been annoying me lately is Andy. It's like he'd been slamming my head against a wall to show me how good it felt when he stopped. It worked. Still, now that he's with the witch, that's really all I need to know. I'd rather they be together...over there, and not on my screen. And then they can keep Arlene and Terry with them.



So now Lafayette is--I really don't care anymore. He kept the show afloat for me for a while, but he can go now if he's gonna be like this every damn year. At least he cut his hair. No excuse for what he did to us last year.



As for titties, if I got tired of sex, I might get tired of them. And by 'might,' I mean no, I still wouldn't get tired of them. I'd like to say it's because I wasn't breast fed, but my friend was, and he's worse than I am (much much...so very much worse). They're just universally, eternally, immortally awesome. Now, the old titties they gave us this week...if it's not Monica Bellucci, gtho.



You asked, and now you know.
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What do you mean by Meloni being allergic to baby powder, I don't think he is If that that's what you meant.
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I'm certainly relieved to hear that. Too many good nannies have been lost to fatal baby powder allergies, and I'd hate to think that Chris Meloni was put at such risk everyday on set. It's a horrible, fragrant way to die, and the man deserves better.



But if that's not a problem, everything about his character on True Blood is fine now.
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"I almost feel bad about saying the kid sucked, but then he spoke again." Couldn't. Agree. More.



As for your almost-liking Tara, .....glad you saw reason on that one. My reaction to her being turned was "Crap, now we'll never get rid of her!" followed shortly by "and she'll bitch even MORE now. Ugh."
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But think about this: Pam can say "Stfu, Tara," and....she might actually do it.



Huh? Huh? As a consolation prize, doesn't that sound good?
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Fair, to middling. At best.
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Heh. I've learned that most shows don't give me what I really want; they only tease me with it, like shooting someone I hate in the head, or stabbing them in the heart, only to bring them back to life moments later. Soo, instead of yelling 'NOOOOOO' and riling up the neighbors' dogs, I try to look on the bright side.



You know me; it's hard being the cheerful positive guy all the time, but I know no other way to be.
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The True Blood fandom right now is totally ridiculous and off putting. Complaining all the time and only seeing things on the surface...annoying.
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You realize how some might think the same about your comment, right?

What you call "complaining" is for me having civil discussions in this place which exists to criticize and discuss shows and not just to praise everything. This is not a fanpage of True Blood.
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True. However, I feel that continuing to simply state that the show is now boring and only seeing things on the surface that many have stated to be stupid and not look into before stating that does nothing to suggest True Blood fans as invested viewers. I get many might be frustrated however. And nevertheless, I know the internet is used mostly for complaining and porn, so I shouldn't be so surprised.
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Then by all means, explain the greatness underneath the surface. All I've seen so far is "Don't dislike this show. U guys are annoying and watch nekkid people."
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Mediocrity continues in another terrible episode. Nothing really happens... There's so much talk but no action. I know the first episodes in the season are always kinda of slow but they still had something and were so much better. Everything is just so wrong: the pacing, the fact that now the music is horrible and super cheesy, the new characters are just boring and uninteresting and they're acting is terrible.

- What happened to Christopher Meloni? He shined in Oz and Law & Order SVU, he just seems out of place here and frankly he's supposed to be menacing and just comes of as forced and lame. He can keep screaming all he wants but it doesn't mean it will make you scary. But seriously, between Meloni, the annoying kid, the Cougartown woman and Salome I don't which one is worse. Why is they`re acting so bad? Meloni is specially stiff and wooden in his performance.

- What was the point of the Jason storyline? Didn't he realize that he wants more out of life like two seasons ago?

- Can they just kill off all the annoying characters? I was against the idea of letting Tara live but I decide to give them a chance with the storyline. So far, it's been pretty boring and Tara is basically the same old Tara. She's always blaming others for her problems and complaining about things. We need CHANGE and asap. Hoyt, seriously? Just kill him off... he has no purpose anymore.

- Pam continues to shine and I loved her flashbacks. "That stupid bitch"- Her reaction was priceless.

- The Alcide and Sookie confrontation was also pretty good.

I continue to hope for the best....
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I disagree about what you said about Meloni, his character isn't out of place. Remember he's playing a new character, any time an actor/actress plays a new character it takes awhile for them to get fully into their roles. His acting isn't forced or lame.



Perhaps this what his character was written to be like..
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Jason got raped by about a dozen women (and almost a girl) and you are telling me that only now, after having sex with his old teacher, he remembers his sexual trauma?

That's plain stupid.
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Please don't tell me True Blood fans are this dumb...



Obviously you don't understand what happened. Jason having been statutory raped by his teacher didn't know how to process getting gang raped by women, and just now meeting with the person that changed his life is making him realize that although what he felt was physically pleasant, it kind of broke something in him that makes him unable to deal with his emotions without drowning himself in sex and women.
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No need to get offensive on opinions.



I understand that what you're saying is what they were *trying* to accomplish (btw: I don't know the books) but I just didn't find the character development believable. They went too quickly over the consequences of his rape so now when it's revealed that he has a trauma, I don't believe that a gang rape (including the fact that he possibly got a father) did absolutely *nothing* to him when in fact rape was about the most vulnerable topic for him.



Especially (!) the fact that a little girl was about to rape him MUST have had some impact to Jason if we were to believe the story about his teacher.
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That is what the writers were grasping at rather clumsily, but be civil.
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1.yes and they will like each other eventually. the real question is where will Tara's loyalty lie when confronted to vampire fundamentalism, which was the point of her marvel at her overhauled senses.

2.Alcide will become pack leader whether he likes it or not with all the responsibilities this entails.

3.neither. these terms just don't apply since his motives are pragmatist and not philosophical. Also, we have not really seen him truly revealed in his power. Finally, all the smart people will wait for Lilith to show up before even attempting a serious response.

4.There is no vampire sexuality. Human beings are food or pets.Unless you are in bestiality or have sex with chicken and cattle.

5.Well Pam's opinion and she would know is probably yes.

6. Nosferatu in Fritz Lang's 1929 movie is as close a depiction of what a vampire would really look like.Does anyone sane ever wish to be that? Not me.Also, one has to understand that what makes vampires evil is not that they prey on human beings, but that they deny resurrection. Do you really want to kill your own soul if you believe that it exists?
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Umm, save for the fact that there's been lots of screen time dedicated to vampires screwing. Each each-other (Bill + his maker / Eric + his sister / Eric + Talbot / Bill's old nest-buddies / etc). And the whole Sookie thing. And then screwing+feeding.
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Okay if you mean fictional vampire sex, but I was under the impression that it was a "what if" proposition. Still, even us with an active sexual life of say four decades get tired of it after a while, which is the whole point of Jason's sex crash. And if the point is danger sex, then I'd go bareback rather than fuck a vampire.Then again, you seem to have more experience there than I do, so who knows.
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meant to write LIKED last season
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Thanks for another insightful and hilarious review!! I was also thinking of Sam and whether he would eventually bill Tara for the TB she drank or cut it from her wages hahaha :))

1. Unfortunately yes

2. No, but maybe things will be wierd for a while....I think he's more pissed that she lied to him

3. Hero, he's quite hot actually

4. I'm a girl, but the guys answering your review obviously think not :)

5. I'm also thinking call for help...but I'm sooo sick of Tara....she's angry when she was alive, equally angry now that she's dead....she's always moaning and unhappy (ok so she does have a bad life but still)

6. Hell yes!!

BTW, Steve Newlin is hilarious and a breath of fresh air...hope they keep him on......jason, jessica and pam were fab as usual!!!
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another very very boring episode!

Tara su*ks,Alcide su*ks even more....Jason isn't far behind,that guy who is now vampire from 2nd season is a joke....



Chars I like are: Sookie,Lafayete,Jessica



Eric,Bill,Pam,Andy,Arlene and her husband I sometimes like and dislike



but all in all,this show is pretty boring this season....like last season,but now is just sooooooooo f-ing boring and soap-y
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1. Of course she will. If they didn't kill off Tara when she got the back of her head blown off they aren't gonna fry her in a tanning bed.

2. Of course he won't. He may be mad but it's still Sookie, and it's still every man's duty on this show to protect that "precious fairy vagina".

3. Bleh.

4. I'm a woman, but I have to imagine that titties have got to get boring at some point... especially unimpressive titties like Salome's.

5. It's emo for sure...

6. Of course I would.
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gosh, this episode sucked. best part: the sky, when tara looked at it. that's is. i'm even getting sick of eric. sookie is annoying. tara is an idiot. the whole vampire bible thing is still completely ILLOGICAL. i'm bored. i should get back to work. this episode made me want to get back to work. i miss buffy.
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I don't see what's illogical about the vampire bible, at least any more illogical than other old religions. They had an ancient text that describes stuff that hooks into The Torah and the Bible. They think Lilith came first (even the Bible recognizes her as coming before Eve) and that she was a vampire. And that the humans were made so she could feed.



The whole "Authority" thing is trying to prevent a civil war: between those that believe in the specifics of the bible (treat human like cattle) and the "new" way of thinking (live with the humans, b/c they have nukes)
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Chuckle. No, Lilith is not mentioned in the Bible. That's a Jewish thing.
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Oh sorry. I guess considering how much our old testament "borrowed" from Jewish texts, I figured that was at least one of the stories we got as well. A shame, it made things a little interesting.
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1) Probably.

2) Nope, they might hook up soon.

3) Hero for now, will turn out to be villain.

4) NO! NEVER!

5) Tara for all her faults doesn't seem all attention seeking... so I'm gonna go with no.

6) A True Blood/Vampire Diaries Vampire, Yes. Twilight Vampire? F*** NO
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Discussion.



1. Yes, they wouldn't have had the whole a maker and his makee have a bond stronger than brothers thing if they would leave her to die. Also why bring Tara back to life if only to kill her.



2. Nope, Alcide and the wolves aren't really cop people. So he will tell her parents and it will endanger Sookie and she will use her "Wonder Fairy Powers" or Alcide will come running in to save the day. And they will probably end up in bed. Why? Because really that is kind of what Sookie does. It doesn't seem like she is going to bed down with Bill or Eric so it is Alcides turn.



3. How about just dumb. I am not a fan of the authority or the dumb kid or the GOP like woman or the slutty enough Salome. It is silly, they aren't going to kill Eric's sister. So they aren't going to do much of anything but yammer on for half the season and figure out a way to take down Russel.



4. NO. What are you crazy?



5. No, it is a cry for help. Pam did it the right way and said make me or I die. And she probably would have. Tara wants to die she should have waited until sun up and hopped outside.



6. Sure why not? However I would not want to have been one from now until the end of time. I would have rather started back when Eric was. You would have gotten to see the birth of civilization, the Renaissance, everything all of history and of civilization not the fall of it.



I think this is going to be the last episode I catch until the 2nd last of the season. There was nothing in this episode that is going to bring me back. Tara is still annoying, but now she is an annoying vampire. Sookie is still dumb. Eric and Bill are still Eric and Bill. And it all seems to be regurgitating previous plots. The only interesting thing is Jason and Jessica but that isn't enough to keep me around.
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They're not killing Eric's sister yet, but I don't think she'll survive the season. Much more awesome vampires have died for the main purpose of making Eric cry. I think she's doomed, but yeah, even if you skip up to the end, you probably won't miss what happens.



I wish I could quit like you...
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I also think that Roman will not survive the season either, I have a big feeling that he'll be killed.
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I love True Blood can they tone down the sex scenes just a little, 90% of it seems unnecessary to have, trust me this show can do better without them. The writers pis me off when it comes to Tara why didn't they just let her die the first time her character is always struggling even Hoyts been happy a couple of times HOYT but no not Tara she has to abused like this. Pam & Jason were awesome in this episode about the only chaacters I like besides Lafyate.
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1. Yes. But she won't do it in the charming Bill way she will bitch about having to save her and maybe even try to hurt tara herself for interrupting her.



2.Maybe but I can't see Sookie going down for this. SInce Bill and Eric have been imprisoned for two episodes why not through Sookie in jail too.



3.Hero. I think he embodies all Godric was talking about. He is an elvoved vampire. How long he lives is suspect. You are right all he des is shades of angry there really rant any other emotions.



4.Titties never get boring ever. Titties rock :)



5.I think its the equivalent of drinking draino



6.No two much power. I am too nice to drink people. Ill just wait to be a food source for a hot vampire with nice boobs.



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LOL, great review...or is it rewiev? Whatever, it rocks just like this season of True Blood. Last season was boring but this is great.

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I liked this episode. Well, most of if anyway. I didn't like the scene with Jason's old teacher, but at least they were going somewhere with it. Jason needed to realize something, and apparently this helped him do that. (That's actually what I didn't like about it. I don't think what happened there would have helped him do that).



I don't know how you guys can still complain about Tara. The actress is doing a great job, and Tara's story was the most interesting part of this episode. Pam will obviously save her, and the show will be better for it. I liked all of her scenes, in particular the shot of her looking at the stars, her meeting with Sam, and the moment when she came out of the freezer.



Those of you who are complaining that "nothing is happening", did you even see the first season? Things were progressing slower there. This show was never supposed to be filled with action scenes. It's a show about *people* in a world where vampires exist and everyone knows it, and sometimes the best way to get to know those people is to have them just talk to each other, about things that *would* be on their minds if this had been real.



Still, I would have preferred if the "authority" arc had moved along a bit faster. It didn't take long to establish that the Sanguinistas and Russell Edgington will be the big bads of the season. This episode would have been a good time to show us what the Sanguinistas are, by having them carry out a terrorist attack or something, instead of having some vampire lady bang three vampire guys.



I don't mind that Hoyt went to Fangtasia to get vampire raped (he's depressed, and depressed people sometimes do self-destructive things), but why the hell did he put on makeup? It seems completely wrong for that character.



The Fairies are back in town. That had to happen sooner or later, since they set it up a while ago. I'm cautiously optimistic about it. It can be good, or it could really suck. But please don't show us any more fairy dancing.
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1. Of course. Clearly Pam and Tara are gonna get all Maker/Progeny close and Sookie and Lafayette are going to be displeased about it.

2. No. Sookie's magic supernatural creature attracting lady parts will solve this problem for her just like they solve every problem for her.

3. Hero. Probably tragic hero who gets his ass betrayed.

4. The same titties? Yes. Different titties? Hell to the no. And titties are like snowflakes. No two are the same.

5. Maybe more akin to pressing lit cigarettes into your flesh?

6. In the words of Brian May and Freddie Mercury: Who wants to live forever?
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Can't believe you didn't mention Sookie Fairy-Balling Pam - that was awesome! And yes, Pam will save Tara because she has to, it's some kind of parental-bond thing. We saw Eric not wanting to parent a new vamp because he knew the strong tug would force him to be responsible for a new vamp, and that's why Pam didn't want to parent Tara (especially since they have bad history). But Pam also wanted Sookie owing her with mind-reading skills, so she made the deal. I don't think Tara is doing the cry for help thing, she'll be mad Pam saves her.



My JR high school had a pervet female teacher, many decades ago. She looked like a petite version of Morena Baccarin (Firefly, V) and was always accidentally booby-brushing the popular boy athletes, which really flustered the boys because she was quite attractive. Luckily she only lasted a year, but I don't remember hearing any scandals.
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1. God, I hope not, but probably yes.



2. They'll be doing it on the kitchen floor in the corner where Debbie died in about 30 minutes after he gets over the shock of the news.



3. Hero



4. Have you ever spoken to a guy? Of course they'd be obsessed forever. I don't understand why though.



5. Yes.



6. Of course. Who cares about some murderous urges. Plus, it's not like you'd have to drink alternative stuff to not kill people. It seems like people on the show are constantly feeding on people at the club without killing anyone. And if it turns out living forever sucks, build a bonfire and jump in. Or sit outside in a wide open field and wait for daylight. Problem solvedl.
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