True Blood: On the Right Track

Fireworks are nice, but they cannot compete with this season of True Blood. The second episode dazzled me more than any two-bit Roman candle ever could. I had some high expectations after the premiere, but the second episode really delivered.

Well, except, yes: The opening did have me sucking my teeth with frustration that Jason was already out of that freezer. I had hoped we would get an episode with a few cut away shots of the freezer and the sound of him pounding on the lid from the inside. Nope! Instead he’s tied up on a mattress (as usual) with his head getting licked by Timbo, which is a hell of a way for a 19-year-old actor to make a living.

We found Sookie and Eric exactly as we had left them, sparring. I was pretty impressed by their banter. It sizzled, it crackled, it sparkled, like diamonds wrapped in bacon.

I wonder if Stephen Moyer (Bill/married to Anna Paquin in real life) is quietly losing his mind about how much chemistry these two have.

Hoyt and Jessica were just leaving Fangtasia, and were surprised to find a crowd of protesters, but haven’t Jessica and Hoyt been there before? Also, the idea of a guy filming an altercation with a vampire to keep that vampire from killing people is silly. Just tear off the arm holding the camera phone on your way out of there. Hoyt got whupped by the protesters, which was truly in vain considering Jessica would return later in the episode and hook up with the “fang banger” from last week anyway.

First Nude Bosoms went to Sam’s shifter friend Luna. Sam is spending a lot of time naked these days, and of all the people on this show to be naked in every scene, Sam is not the one I would have chosen. I don’t know if it's his Meg Ryan hair or what, but I might start taping little paper pants onto the bottom of my tv screen.

Strangely, Bill being bare-ass naked and in the throes of adult hugs with the witch-spy did not bother me. I wonder if he pulled the writers aside and was like, “Look, if Anna’s going to have this whole romance with Alex Skarsgard, I’m going to need a lot of scenes with naked ladies to keep things even.”

Sookie crossed through the graveyard to Bill’s house, and snipers came out of no where! Oh right, he’s a King now.

This moment gave complete finality to their former relationship. The fact Sookie and Bill essentially lived in each other’s backyards was a huge part of their courtship. Where you or I might send a text on a whim, Sookie could simply lope through the trees and Bill would be waiting. But with Sookie no longer owning her house and Bill having a team of snipers, a lot of the comfort and security has been drained out of Sookie’s living situation.

Less important but very entertaining was Bill dressed up like Sid Vicious, with a British accent, going to a punk club in the early 80s:

I’m grateful the show found an entertaining way to tell us Bill has been in league with AVL all along and double-crossed his Queen on their behalf—as a triple agent, I guess?

I don’t know. Vampire business is so boring, although it did make me laugh that Louis Pasteur was specifically mentioned as a vampire scientist developing synthetic human blood.

Louis Pasteur must have been WHIRLING in his grave at this reference.

Sookie went back to work, and it's about time. What is she using for money these days? Sookie met Arlene's baby and Arlene got really scared. I guess this is Arlene’s scene partner for the season: a baby. Just screaming, staring, and emoting across from a baby. How embarrassing. Though better a baby for a scene partner than this guy:

So tired of Hot Shot. It's dirty, methy, and I don’t believe any of the accents— everyone just does their best Foghorn Leghorn and clenches their jaws.

Crystal became a completely despicable person by holding a knife to Jason’s throat. Stop teasing us and kill him already. She’s holding him hostage so they can turn him into a panther and then she can make a panther baby with him. Do what you have to do, but please stop filming it; I would've much rather seen Jason sum everything up over coffee three episodes from now while talking to someone more interesting.

Sigh. Maybe being a panther will make you more interesting, Jason, but I DOUBT IT.

The most interesting thing going on with Sam is not Luna trying to put on clothes and seduce him, but his brother’s hair.

They cast Rin Tin Tin already as Tommy! He's going to be played by some pixels. Tommy later spied on Sam’s campfire circle and the two brothers argued (naked) about learning to trust each other again. I’m sure both people following that storyline were glad to see a resolution, and I’m sure both people following that storyline were the actors’ moms.

I was relieved that Tara and Sookie were quickly reunited without one of their instant shouting matches. I believed Sookie when she said New Orleans had been good to Tara: Tara looks amazing. But I don’t believe those groceries. White sugar does not cross the lips of anyone on this set.

Tara also met up with Lafayette and immediately called him out on being a Wiccan. He convinced her to tag along with him and Jésus to the Moon Goddess Emporium. The name makes me laugh out loud , but truth: Every town has one of these, my hometown had “Avalon Everlasting”

The Moon Goddess Emporium also came up in conversation, when Bill summoned Eric to the newly redecorated Compton place. Who knew Bill had such specific taste? I liked him better poor.

Bill told Eric to go break up the coven, where Tara was already giving much eye rolling to the dorky moms and illiterate book club attendees sitting around in their Sears separates.

By awakening the parakeet, these witches had acted as necromancers, and if they can control the dead they can control vampires: sounded logical enough for me. Marnie was already suggesting they raise a dead body when Eric arrived, so it felt kind of justified when he assaulted her. And for an actress in her fifties, this embrace had to be electrifying.

One of the witches tried to defend Marnie by joining hands. Lafayette, who was tortured by Eric, did not want to intercede, until Eric turned his fangs on Tara. Lafayette took the “Only Human On The Inside” award for the episode when he grabbed hands and completed the circle in defense of his cousin, overcoming his own PTSD from getting locked up in Eric’s Sex Dungeon in Season 2.

It was a genuinely touching moment, because Tara has been through ENOUGH, and it made me like Lafayette even more, if that's possible, that he overcame his own fear to help her. And it worked! The room filled with wind and Eric kind of spaced out. Like, really spaced out. Like, proceeded to take off his shirt and walk down a highway spaced out, which is where Sookie found him at the end of the episode.

Those of you who are familiar with the Sookie Stackhouse books are probably pumping your fists in the air (and hopefully not giving away any spoilers in the comments). This development is torn from their pages, and while the show usually diverges quite dramatically, I think it's clear we will be seeing a lot more Eric-and-Sookie development. Naked development, hopefully.


… Would you accept a microwave from Eric Northman if it meant he could sleep in your crawlspace?

… Is there a “fairy Sookie” or has she always been uppity?

… Did Bill pull off the punk look?

… Should Jessica tell Hoyt about sucking on another human? Will she anyway?

… What did that witch DO?

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