Like many of you, I obsessively sleuth out promos and have lurid, fan-fiction daydreams about where my favorite TV shows are going with almost no urging, so my brain is bubbling over HBO’s freshly released promo stills of True Blood Season 5. True Blood is the Vampire Queen of my heart, my absolute favorite series of all eternity, so clapping my eyeballs on these preview shots was like sipping the sweet, life-giving elixir of 1,000-year-old vampire blood. Let’s look them over and see what we can make of them!
Scott Foley, you sexy minx. I don’t care if Foley was on Cougar Town and Grey’s Anatomy, he will forever be Felicity’s virginity-obsessed RA in my '90s-child eyes, and he’s looking rough and foxy like a werewolf right here. Is that redhead a relative of Arlene or does she just go to the same colorist?
Well well well, if it isn’t my sexual vanilla and my favorite ancient nerdy librarian, Eric and Bill. And...who the eff are you, lady? I mean, it's Lucy Griffiths but why is she in league with our anti-heroes? How will fake fangs play with her British accent—or will the show make her attempt a more Southern tone?
Sigh. Despite my fevered letter-writing campaign, it looks like Andy Bellefleur is still involved with this show. And somehow he’s still making eyes at recanted-Wiccan Holly. How many fairies will he impregnate?!
Plaid and hot, no surprises here. Not a lot of info in this picture to glean.
Oh shit! That redhead WAS Arlene! Someone is looking WONDERFULLY young about the face.
My Party Down fave Ken Marino appears to be joining the cast and playing a woman no less, in a smart red wig and pearls ripe for the clutching! (J/K this is Carolyn Hennesy, not sure what kind of character she's going to be.)
Christopher Meloni looks like a very powerful and seriously grumpy vampire and I do not trust that stake at all. How long until he’s obsessed with Sookie’s fairy blood? That’s what I want to know.
Smoking hot Janina Gavankar looking miffed. OMG what if she’s carrying Tommy’s baby after their night of passion together when he was disguised as Sam? That is a guess out of nowhere but seriously, would such a baby resemble Tommy or Sam?
Christopher Heyerdahl is clearly playing a viking, right? Definitely a vampire, that’s for sure, and this photo was shot in the same weirdly lit room Chris Meloni was grimacing in. Is this a Vampire Headquarters and is it in Dubai?
My girl crush Jessica has added some kinky blue streaks to her perfect red hair and looks happy. So she’s still going through her rebellious vampire adolescence, I take it? Is that the happy smile of a girl sexually satisfied on the reg by Jason Stackhouse, I hope?
These two clearly just got done hot-boxing. And why am I not surprised Sookie is bleeding?
Vampire child! No question. What do you bet he runs Chris Meloni like Master Blaster? Also, that bowl is from OUaT.
I've seriously missed you, guy. You’re one of the best actors working today. Text me.
Here's Lucy Griffiths giving the stinkeye, and from the looks of her clothing it’s probably aimed at someone who just tried to disembowel her. (Pam? Where is Pam?!)
More Lucy Griffiths. I don’t know who this character is but I like her sassy expression and it looks like she’s in daylight, so despite the sassy black ensemble I’m going to guess “Supernatural Other.” Also, book fans: Where is Quinn? Am I right?!
The hairstylist continues to inch toward Emmys gold with Lafayette’s signature WTF hairstyles. Looking forward to seeing an elaborate set of fully rigged sails in his cornrows by Season 6.
Talk about a steely gaze and a perfect tie and handkerchief combo. I see a hazy bottle of True Blood so he’s a vampire or the lover of a vampire. Let’s do some Google sleuthing, a.k.a. gleuthing...okay I know that’s kind of cheating because we’re just supposed to be using pictures, but this is Peter Mensah and apparently he’s Kibwe, Chancellor for the Authority, an African vampire. Perhaps he will reminisce about Spartacus and that time 300 guys held off the armies of Persia?
Here's Scott Foley again, looking around Bill’s burnt-up house for his lost dog in this photo. It's moments before he wildly humps a vampire.
This guy! Still rocking the preppy sweater. FOTS FTW!
FINALLY. The sexiest woman in the world, Kristin Bauer, killing it with motorcycle gloves, a corset, Bridgitte Bardot hair and f*ck-me lips. Pam came back! She’s DEFINITELY at Fangtasia. So all is well? She’s going to be regulating sassy Lucy Griffiths? She better be.
So! Let’s make some predictions based on these tantalizing pics. Where is Sam? Where are the fairies? Where is Jason? Why so few images of Sookie? No ghost Jesús? Let’s discuss!!!
True Blood Season 5 premieres June 10 at 9pm on HBO.