First dates: Not usually a time for sincerity. And reality TV is pretty much held together by conversational spackle used to fill in that gaping hole of “If your life is so together, what are you doing here?” Which means that during first dates on The Bachelorette, every moment = a tapestry of lies. We’re going to need a bullsh*t translator for this one; I’ve gone ahead and plugged in some of the best scenes from last night’s episode so we can decode what everyone was really saying as the boys embarked on their first dates with Ashley.
First off, the hunks were rounded up by Old Man Harrison. The first one-on-one date was announced, and Chris D. declared:
The Bachelorette is first and foremost a series of ravishing freebies. That’s why the Chosen One for the first date, William, was so excited when he and Ashley loaded into their private plane to Vegas.
Ashley led William through an awkward wedding-planning session. They tasted cake, fitted rings, and she actually walked him up to an altar and made him say “I do” to a priest—and then LAUGHED IN HIS FACE.
So then Ashley took him to a fabulous dinner in the middle of a lake, where he told her how his dad passed away. (So sad. So dark.)
But other than the dark sadness, BEST FIRST DATE EVER?!?!
Awesome, but what are the other hunks going to do? Ashley didn’t have time to mind-game them individually, so she decided to take a plane-load on a group date to Vegas… to do dancing routines! Everyone split up into two teams to dance off for the honor of performing with JABBERWOCKEEZ!!
Ashley got to live the dream of rolling around on stage with a midriff T-shirt on. West’s team won, so at the victors' “after party” he got to steal Ashley away for some romantic one-on-one time—during which he told her about how the love of his life died. (SO sad. SO dark. What is going on this season?)
HEAVY is right, Tiny Dancer.
But like, BOO YAH, Bentley wasted no time topping that ish with the best talking head in Bachelor/ette history.
Bentley is a fiend, but so refreshingly honest! And also, he’s kind of a villain. Then again, so was the Joker, and Heath Ledger was brilliant in that role. So conflicted. His behavior is disgusting (tickle my pickle?) but it's about time this show had a better villain than apathy.
And he maddeningly scored the Group Date Rose.
There was a final one-on-one date to be scheduled, and Mickey won the date via coin toss (because gambling? And Vegas?). He and Ashley decided it would be fun to reprise the coin toss for every aspect of their date.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Jeff (the Masque) was being ostracized by the herd of dreamboats because he's still wearing his mask. Jeff handled this by trying to lock eyes with a falcon.
Mickey took a romantic, candlelit moment during dinner to share with Ashley that his mom had passed away. (So sad. So dark. For Ashley, that is; this is her summer of love/her summer of grief counseling.) Moments later, Ashley flipped a coin to see if Mickey would stay or not, and then told him he would have stayed anyway. Ha ha! Callous minx.
A coin toss also won bald cutie JP a smooch at the Pre-Rose Ceremony Happy Hour. The Masque pulled Ashley aside, to a romantically lit stairway, to tell her about his tragic divorce.
Everything just went downhill from there.
Do not let Bently's uncanny resemblance to Mr. Toad from Wind in the Willows fool you. This guy is a CAD and a ROGUE.
The scenes from next week promise a full-on Bentley devastation, and while the Bachelorette editors can do some pretty magical things with promos, it's hard to put this in a forgiving context.
Like, DEVASTATING. I actually felt my onyx heart stir at this scene. I cannot get to next week’s episode fast enough.
What do you think of Bentley? Does he make the show a lot more interesting? Does everyone have their own version of a Bentley? And, like Ashley, aren’t you kind of hoping he’s not as bad as he seems?