TV.com's Bachelorette Bullsh*t Translator

First dates: Not usually a time for sincerity. And reality TV is pretty much held together by conversational spackle used to fill in that gaping hole of “If your life is so together, what are you doing here?” Which means that during first dates on The Bachelorette, every moment = a tapestry of lies. We’re going to need a bullsh*t translator for this one; I’ve gone ahead and plugged in some of the best scenes from last night’s episode so we can decode what everyone was really saying as the boys embarked on their first dates with Ashley.

First off, the hunks were rounded up by Old Man Harrison. The first one-on-one date was announced, and Chris D. declared:

The Bachelorette is first and foremost a series of ravishing freebies. That’s why the Chosen One for the first date, William, was so excited when he and Ashley loaded into their private plane to Vegas.

Ashley led William through an awkward wedding-planning session. They tasted cake, fitted rings, and she actually walked him up to an altar and made him say “I do” to a priest—and then LAUGHED IN HIS FACE.

So then Ashley took him to a fabulous dinner in the middle of a lake, where he told her how his dad passed away. (So sad. So dark.)

But other than the dark sadness, BEST FIRST DATE EVER?!?!

Awesome, but what are the other hunks going to do? Ashley didn’t have time to mind-game them individually, so she decided to take a plane-load on a group date to Vegas… to do dancing routines! Everyone split up into two teams to dance off for the honor of performing with JABBERWOCKEEZ!!

Ashley got to live the dream of rolling around on stage with a midriff T-shirt on. West’s team won, so at the victors' “after party” he got to steal Ashley away for some romantic one-on-one time—during which he told her about how the love of his life died. (SO sad. SO dark. What is going on this season?)

HEAVY is right, Tiny Dancer.

But like, BOO YAH, Bentley wasted no time topping that ish with the best talking head in Bachelor/ette history.

Bentley is a fiend, but so refreshingly honest! And also, he’s kind of a villain. Then again, so was the Joker, and Heath Ledger was brilliant in that role. So conflicted. His behavior is disgusting (tickle my pickle?) but it's about time this show had a better villain than apathy.

And he maddeningly scored the Group Date Rose.

There was a final one-on-one date to be scheduled, and Mickey won the date via coin toss (because gambling? And Vegas?). He and Ashley decided it would be fun to reprise the coin toss for every aspect of their date.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Jeff (the Masque) was being ostracized by the herd of dreamboats because he's still wearing his mask. Jeff handled this by trying to lock eyes with a falcon.

Mickey took a romantic, candlelit moment during dinner to share with Ashley that his mom had passed away. (So sad. So dark. For Ashley, that is; this is her summer of love/her summer of grief counseling.) Moments later, Ashley flipped a coin to see if Mickey would stay or not, and then told him he would have stayed anyway. Ha ha! Callous minx.

A coin toss also won bald cutie JP a smooch at the Pre-Rose Ceremony Happy Hour. The Masque pulled Ashley aside, to a romantically lit stairway, to tell her about his tragic divorce.

Everything just went downhill from there.

Do not let Bently's uncanny resemblance to Mr. Toad from Wind in the Willows fool you. This guy is a CAD and a ROGUE.

The scenes from next week promise a full-on Bentley devastation, and while the Bachelorette editors can do some pretty magical things with promos, it's hard to put this in a forgiving context.

Like, DEVASTATING. I actually felt my onyx heart stir at this scene. I cannot get to next week’s episode fast enough.


What do you think of Bentley? Does he make the show a lot more interesting? Does everyone have their own version of a Bentley? And, like Ashley, aren’t you kind of hoping he’s not as bad as he seems?

Comments (9)
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I can't believe that Harrison didn't yank this guy off the show the first time he opened his mouth, by pulling him out of bed early in the morning by his ears and throwing him in/under a cab to the airport to board a Southwest flight!

Seriously though, Ashly has problems. She's seriously being passive aggressive with these guys. Putting them in untenable situations."Let's get Vegas Married!" "Let's gamble our lives away." She knows they can't say no or Walk away. Does she think they're staring in a remake of Leaving Los Vegas? You could tell Mickey just wanted to say "This is BS!" and walk away. Basically she told William, "If we get togetner, you're going to be my b**ch." She told Mickey, "You'll never know where you stand with me, I can end this anytime." Definitely power games.

I think, she likes Bently because, he's an a**hole who won't take her s**t.
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Bonbonrob I hear what you're saying and you are dead on. The formula has taken over the show, it no longer has the anthropological-question premise of its first seasons, but its the raw moments of unplanned truth on the show that keep me completely in thrall.
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By the way, your rehash is the perfect amount of time I should be wasting on this show. Thanks for the recap. I love Bentley's honest sociopathy. I remembered from your recap that he was the one who had hoped it would be Emily from last season. That was shown on the first episode in the previews before the guys started coming out of the limos.

I actually cried at Jason and Molly's wedding, too. So, I'm not all that bad and was really happy when I found out that Ally had chosen Roberto in the end. I think I even watched the ending on HULU.

I just can't fathom sitting through anymore plane, helicopter rides, ziplining,jumping off cliffs into water or from bungee cords, dancing dates, acting dates, closed theatres for just the 2 of them to enjoy, fantasy suites, "exotic locations",marathon drinkathons from breakfast to bedtime, long stemmed red roses which have no scent but every woman pretends they do by smiling after sticking their noses in them. Like the red rose, the show is just so banal and from the lack of success, phony as they come. I mean who wouldn't fall in love with a handsome man or beautiful woman in the beautiful waters of New Zealand or on a Broadway stage briefly playing silent lovers in front of a packed audience? I almost have to admire (although at the time disliked) the 2 people who didn't choose anyone: Jen Schept and Brad Womack. It's a shame that Womack had deluded himself into believing he had changed so that this second time around it would work. Sorry, you don't change your personality nor are you really able to consistently alter your intimate behavior so late into

your 30's. It took him almost 40 years to become what he had become and it wasn't going to be reversed (unless, of course, they Cloickwork Oranged him) in a year, if ever. ll became so formulaic...even to the extent of having a "villain", albeit ones with different character flaws.

I realize that I really loved the show and am now so disappointed that it had become so mundane with such mediocre characters.

I will continue to read these recaps though. They are just enough for me to handle without pulling my hair out. Thanks. Great job.
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I have watched almost every Bachelor and Bachelorette Season (except season 1 and the Trista and Ryan one). I started getting really bored wth the Ali/Roberto one, because to me, Roberto, was the ONE from the very beginning.

Thus, last season with Brad, I DVR-ed and fast forwarded through the most boring parts (about 85% of it). I decided to also DVR this season with Ashley. She used the word "like" so much and found her horribly cliche-y....especially for a woman with the intelligence required to get into the most prestigious dental school in the country (look it up: U of Pa. Dental School). So, I began watching it Tuesday evening and couldn't even get through the entire first carload of guys. Her histrionic reaction to each one of them grated on my nerves so much that I didn't even want to fast forward through and just deleted the whole show.

I am announcing to the world now that I am no longer a fan or watcher of this show. In my opinion, it jumped the shark about 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 seasons ago. And it's just one last reality show I have to DVR, watch and be totally disappointed in..
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Lol at "Tiny Dancer." If Bentley indeed steps out next week I'll be surprised they haven't dragged this out longer the way they did with Wes and Rated R... But either way, the reviews are hilarious so please keep them coming!
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Bentley is a bad boy through and through, and personally I think the squeaky clean dentist side of Ashley is drawn to him. ;)
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Have never watched the show and am not planning on it. I think the whole show is bulls**t.
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Bentley may be honest, but he's not being honest with the person who matters the most. And that makes him a pig. :)
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I have NEVER watched this show, but this recap makes me want to watch. Seriously, Mr. Toad, HAHAHA. Golden.
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