If television could be traded as a currency, we'd be makin' it RAIN right now. Here are the best and worst moments our laptops and TV sets subjected us to over the past seven days:
Cartier's Batsh*t Crazy Three-Minute Diamond Commercial
It involves a biplane, a diamond leopard, a giant elephant, a dragon rising up from a snowy mountain, and an affair between a woman and a leopard. It's way too awesome for any sober person to have imagined and pitched, not to mention produced.
Bob Odenkirk's New Adult Swim Short
The Breaking Bad star returns to his weirdo-comedy roots with this new series about a Hollywood hack making a fake Harry Potter movie for a Ugandan prince, plus other flicks like Goooooal, Spiderbat, and Ex-Terminator. Hey, we said "weirdo," didn't we?
Person of Interest's Grenade Pacifier
This week's episode was full of fantastic cheap laughs thanks to Reese and Finch having a baby on board, but the best one involved the wee tyke gnawing on a grenade. "It's just a tear gas grenade," said new daddy Reese. Awwww!
Justified's Marshal Tim
Raylan Givens' best co-worker was in perfect form this week, verbally sparring with Raylan blow-for-blow and talking about Victoria's Secret models without breaking a sweat. Excellent work by Jacob Pitts; Tim is definitely the Justified character most deserving of a spin-off.
Portlandia's Generally Strong Second Season
Paleyfest's Embracing of the Internet
The annual Los Angeles-based event gathers the casts and creators of some of the best shows on TV, which is why it's so awesome that this year the panels are streaming live as they happen, plus many of them will be posted to Hulu beginning on March 15.
Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart Take on Rush Limbaugh
This week in ridiculous politics news, the conservative radio host called birth-control advocate Sandra Fluke a “slut” and a “prostitute.” Thankfully we have The Daily Show and The Colbert Report to put Rush’s insane logic regarding the sensitive subject in perspective.
Mary J. Blige on American Idol
National treasure Mary J. Blige served as a guest mentor and then performed during the live show. Not only did she have a ton of great criticisms for the kids (alongside the increasingly essential Jimmy Iovine), she still worked the stage like it was the early '90s. Come back soon?
The Walking Dead's Literally Stomach-Churning Ending
We won't say which character was ripped apart by zombies this week, but it was as shocking as it was necessary: Stakes, they be raisin'!
Netflix Pretending It's Interested in Saving Terra Nova
No you're not, Netflix. Stop lying.
Television's Rush on Reality Singing Competitions
The CW and ABC both announced American Idol and The Voice knock-offs, bringing the total number of singing shows on television to 8 billion. Someone please stop the insanity!
Top Chef's Sarah and Heather Continue to be Awful
During this week's Top Chef reunion special we learned one tantalizing piece of information: Andy Cohen asked Sarah if it was true that, shortly after Paul was crowned Top Chef, she told Emeril Lagasse to "F*** Off." Her answer was teary-eyed and wishy-washy (confirmation!), but then she had the audacity to tell Cohen it was "sh*tty" of him to bring it up. Then later, Beverly acknowledged that she'd been treated poorly by both Sarah and Heather, but Heather decided she'd hold her ground by not only refusing to a make amends but digging in deep with her original (and wrong!) criticisms of Beverly's "work ethic." Just great behavior on national TV, basically. Can't wait to NOT go to your restaurants, ladies!
Survivor: One World's Colton Outs Himself as a Despicable Nightmare
The episode began as one for the record books when, even though the men won the immunity challenge, they GAVE UP immunity just so they could go to Tribal Council and vote someone out. The ringleader in all this was Colton, the 21-year-old gay Republican, who throughout the episode revealed the depth of his bigotry by referring to black stand-up comedian Bill as "ghetto trash" and little person Leif as "an Oompah Loompah." At Tribal Council the proudly pampered Alabaman went on to brag that he goes to an "all white school" but denied being racist, seeing as there is one important black person in his life: His housekeeper. The most depressing thing about Colton's idiocy was how the rest of his tribe gladly went along with every terrible aspect of his plan. This episode was just an ugly, outrageous bit of television that made Survivor absolutely unpleasant to watch.
The Bachelor's "Women Tell All" Episode
Talk about two hours of "gag me." These filler episodes are the WORST. At the very least, they don't have to be two hours long. There are too many "OMG I'm looking at the girl next to me and laughing because I'm on camera!" and "Yay! I was the one who was almost picked, but wasn't! Glorify me!" moments. Courtney's breakdown was confusing at best, though truly tragic if it was sincere (we'll never know!). And Ben's failed attempt at humorous banter with Chris Harrison during his brief and very underwhelming stay in the hot seat was disappointing.
What made your list of TV loves and hates this week?