TV.com's Swell-o-vision vs. Hell-o-vision
(March 3)

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The Oscars celebrated the best of film on Sunday, but we've gone one step further to celebrate the best and the worst of television this week. Behold:


SWELL


The Downton Abbey rap


The finest rhymes about fancy English people you'll hear all day. Probably.



Jermaine Jones and Ryan Seacrest standing next to each other on the Idol stage


It was just a really funny image when they were facing one another and talking and Jermaine was, like, three feet taller. Don't hurt your neck there, Seacrest.



The latest Game of Thrones trailer


Any bad memories of the Oscars were erased as soon as this trailer aired on HBO afterward. Between the Depeche Mode-ish background music and Renly telling Stannis, "No one wants you for their king, Brother," it got us very ready for war.



Fred's goatee on Suburgatory


To impress his wife, who he thought had a crush on the goatee'd George, Fred let his chin fuzz grow out. But what sprouted from his face was as patchy as an inner-city Little League field.



30 Rock namechecks Deadline Hollywood's Nikki Finke


The notoriously cantankerous Hollywood blogger whose catchphrase is "Toldja!" became a hilarious punchline for Jack. She has been immortalized.



The Oscars' Christopher Guest "test audience" bit



cgo by RoninKengo

The Oscars got one thing right with this bit from Christopher Guest (Waiting for Guffman) about focus-group testing for The Wizard of Oz.



Happy Endings' Dave-centric sex dreams


They were all pretty special, but the line, "He's Freddy Krueger-ing us in our dreams with sex!" followed by Dave's appearance in the trademark mass-murderer's getup was the icing on the cake.



Happy Endings' new webisodes


Speaking of Happy Endings, there's also this! Sure, it's all about Subaru branding, but it's also pretty good. Yay semi-subliminal advertising! (More installments will be released in the coming weeks.)



Parenthood's season finale


For once, a rushed wedding made sense, and didn't just feel like a ratings ploy.



White Collar's premise-rattling finale


After Neal [SPOILER ALERT] snapped off his ankle bracelet and hopped a plane to Hawaii, his future as an FBI informant got a lot murkier... and so did most of his personal relationships. It was a surprising and gutsy turn of events for an otherwise breezy procedural, and we know one thing is true: Until the series returns this summer, we're really gonna miss that face!


HELL


This week's episode of Modern Family


PERIOD HUMOR? Really? We know Modern Family is wearing its flannel pajamas to bed instead of sexy nighties these days, but having a whole plot revolve around the three Dunphy women gettin' crazy because their cycles had synced was like the show had swung by Goodwill to drop off the sexy nighties and stock up on secondhand sweatpants.



Day-ruining Walking Dead spoilers


An ad for the DVDs contained a major spoiler from an upcoming scene, and several web sites made things worse by posting said spoiler all over the internet. We're not saying what it is because we're trying to keep this thing contained like a zombie virus outbreak!



Lisa Lampanelli on The Celebrity Apprentice


We used to think of Lisa Lampanelli as a bawdy but cheerful insult comic; now, thanks to The Celebrity Apprentice, she's nothing short of an insecure bully. Watching her tell Miss Universe to shut up and look pretty was bad enough, but seeing her tear up in the board room about always being the butt of (her own) jokes was a season lowpoint, and we're only on Episode 2.



The River's magical camera


Since it began, The River has been an exercise in the suspension of disbelief, but this week it actually made up a technology: The kidnapped cameraman's footage was transmitted wirelessly to the editing room where the crew was able to somehow triangulate its exact position and go after him. Sorry, WHAT? Cut it out, The River.



Billy Crystal's ninth turn as host of the Academy Awards


Sorry, we're just going to say it: Billy Crystal should not be asked back to host the Oscars next year. His watered-down Catskills schtick might've worked better in another time, but not when so many other incredible comedians were available. Chris Rock (again), Louis C.K., Amy Poehler, Steve Carrell, Danny McBride. Come on, Oscar, get with it.



Matt Lauer asked Zac Efron about the condom he dropped on the red carpet at the premiere of The Lorax


Matt, why? Just, why? How would you like it if someone asked you about your weekly coke binges in the '90s on national TV?


What made your list of TV loves and hates this week?