We know most shows don't make their debuts until next week, but Sort-Of Premiere Week gave us plenty of things to like and dislike over the past 6.94 days. So here's our super-sized Sort-Of Premiere Week edition of "Swell/Hell," as we call it around the office.
... Top Chef Just Desserts' "Pure Imagination" episode
This week's challenge had just about everything a Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory fan could want, from the original cast (hi, Veruca Salt!) to an edible wonderland. And, fittingly, there was some sweet comeuppance, as underdog Katzie took it all with her whimsical carrot patch.
... Survivor's Mark "Papa Bear" Caruso
Somehow his nickname became "Papa Bear" by the end of the episode, but that's not exactly what this openly gay, retired NYPD detective was really talking about when he called himself a "daddy bear" during the tribe meet n' greet. Love him! And in general, what a spunky cast: lots of new favorites, not that we don't love our old favorites. Every word that comes out of Coach's mouth is like honey drizzled on our ears.
... Eddie Schweighardt, a.k.a. Greg the Gay Kid on Curb Your Enthusiasm
He minced his way into our hearts.
... Bravo's firing of three of the Real Housewives of New York City
If they don't have a show, do they cease to exist? Also, how do you get fired from a job in which you basically do nothing but be yourself? We hope they get unemployment and a sweet severance package. Preferably the severing of their heads.
... The amazing badness of Ringer
We argued with ourselves in the mirror about whether or not Ringer should be in the Swell section or the Hell section this week, and decided to put it here because we're already excited to see what disasters disasterize next week.
... SAMCRO's new enemy, Linc
The newest Sons of Anarchy lawman is part stoner kindergarten art teacher, part ruthless government U.S. Attorney, and all chocolate-milk drinker. What a frickin' awesome weirdo.
... Millionaire Charlie on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
In an effort to hook up Frank with his sloppy seconds, Charlie put on a giant hat and a crappy Texan accent to take an unsuspecting ladyfriend out for a limo ride. And then he projectile-vomited blood. You either loved it or hated it, and if you hated it, you need to go see an opinion doctor.
... The Shocking finale of True Blood
For four seasons everyone know that Tara was a useless character who should probably be killed off, but the second it actually happened we kind of started to miss her. Get well soon, Tara! (Maybe she can be a zombie?)
... Whatever "Snap On Feathers" are
Apparently these are a trend, because this commercial aired during Jersey Shore on Thursday. "Strut your plumage for a favorite team!" says the announcer. Somewhere, a cold bird with no feathers is hoping you enjoy your fad.
... Everything H8R
What *%$ is this &%$ that's &*#%ing $#@$ on my TV?
... CBS's Whitney billboards
We realize the show hasn't even premiered yet, and that these billboards have been out forever, but we've reached our breaking point. (Though they ARE perfect for defacing.)
... The boring Bachelor Pad finale
How shocked was Michael when he found out in front of a live studio audience that Holly is now engaged to Blake? Was he even surprised? We're guessing not really, because he handled his reaction like a pro, with a funny-but-earnest, Jim Carrey-like awkwardness that was way too cute to not be planned.
... Torchwood: Miracle Day's limp to the end
Lots of promise devolved into complete disaster as we discovered that The Blessing had caused The Miracle all out of kindness. Whaaaaaaa? The giant vagina at the center of the Earth likes us?
... The CW's "TV to Bing About" campaign
What a truly embarrassing product placement that's been smeared all over The CW's increasingly respectable lineup. Plus, are we sure Bing even exists? Have you ever met someone who actually uses it?
What made your list of TV loves and hates this week?