It’s Valentine’s Day so, naturally, you and your beloved are boycotting commercialism by staying in and eating on your laps. Or perhaps the nearest thing you have to a significant other is an inflatable exercise ball, so you’ve decided to get drunk at home and weep into a sofa throw. Either way, TV is going to add something to your evening. So we’ve scoured the schedules to bring you the ultimate love/hate V Day viewing guide.
Valentine's night we’re loving...
Outcasts, 9- 10pm, BBC1
We hear there’s a whiteout a-coming in part three. Some critics may have pelted it with meteors, but we’re sticking with Outcasts. Though, killing off the sci-fi centrefold in the pilot was beyond idiotic.
Glee, 9-10pm, E4
When Coach Beiste finds out that the kids use her as an arousal antidote, she blubs to Mr Schuster. Kurt learns to stand up for himself and Quinn thinks Sam’s in sexy cahoots with an older woman. Recommended for singles with GSOH.
Bedlam, 10-11:00pm, Sky Living
In part one, Will Young convinced us that he can act a bit. We liked him and the spooky set up. Tonight, Ryan does some probing re: the basement ghoul.
Horizon: How to Mend a Broken Heart, BBC2, 9-10pm
Top Valentine’s tie-in: a documentary about experimental cardiac surgery. Dr Kevin Fong quizzes scientists about the latest heart repair techniques and meets the folks whose busted tickers were fixed with some fancy slicing.
Valentine's night, we’re hating...
The Biggest Loser, 9-10pm, ITV1
Dreary Davina comforts the obese then boots another fatty out of the house. Today, contestants waddle around an RAF base and someone does (read: eats) something they shouldn’t.
Extraordinary People: A Hundred Orgasms a Day, 9-10pm, Sky3
Way to put us off our Valentine’s oats, Sky3. Here’s a documentary about ladies in a continual state of sexual arousal. Apparently, this is no fun at all.
One Born Every Minute, 9-10pm,Channel 4
Want to dial down the heat? Watch a show about birthing. Tonight, a mum-to-be hopes hypnotising herself will alleviate the agonising pain of transporting a human from womb to world.
Episodes, 10-10:30pm, BBC2
It’s the penultimate instalment of this dull smug-com. Beverly is sure Sean is diddling Morning so decides to head back to London. Only, there’s a problem... yawn.
Celebrity Juice, 10-10:45pm, ITV2
Missed the series five opener of Keith Lemon’s agonisingly dire panel show? Well done you! Take extra care to avoid this Valentine’s Day repeat by pepper spraying your eyeballs and plugging your ears with baby turnips. Or, you know, watching something else.
What will you be watching?