It must be awkward to be a vampire. I'm not even talking about the constant thirst for blood or threat of sunlight incineration. If you're a vampire, you're a magnet for trouble. You've got centuries' worth of drama to sort through and other supernatural creatures are constantly seeking you out with some vendetta or other. Vampires have to deal with a ton of over-the-top vampire drama, but they've also got to deal with it while still blending into society. It's this last element that makes The Vampire Diaries so hilarious.
My favorite element of this show has quickly become the way it struggles to normalize itself immediately after traumatic events occur. In the Vampire Diaries timeline, Stefan and Damon were just locked in a slave quarters and almost murdered TO DEATH while Caroline TORE APART a handful uniformed policemen.
Yet last night's episode began several hours later with the kids just hangin' out, no big deal.
First of all, how creepy was Elena? I mean, she's always exhibited psycho-girlfriend tendencies, but this show doesn't seem to be hiding it anymore. Stefan actually called her a weirdo when he woke to find her staring at him. She just shrugged and they made out. Meanwhile…
It was Nina Dobrev's favorite work week ever, as Katherine and Werewolf Bro were also foolin' around at some bed and breakfast. These two scenes were intercut in a pretty clever way, like they were flipsides of the same messed up coin. But unlike Stefan and Elena's seemingly genuine feelings for each other, Katherine was definitely just manipulating Werewolf Bro into doing her bidding. She really wants that moonstone! Maybe this week we'll actually learn what it does! (Do not get your hopes up).
Meanwhile at Dark Wood Mansion, Jeremy showed up and inserted himself into Damon's plotline, offering to go hunting for exposition and whatnot. Damon said out loud exactly what we were thinking: "Wait, why do you want to help?"
"Do I need a reason?" he responded awkwardly. Fair enough, Jeremy! Damon & Jeremy Unite!! These two are totally gonna be the next Hardy Boys.
Oh, and this lady was still locked in the dungeon. Now, this character is the pits, so maybe locking her away forever is a good idea. But her one redeeming factor is that she makes Caroline's character all the more tragic. Caroline has a vampire-racist for a mother who completely rejected Caroline when she learned the truth about her. I know this show is ridiculous, but that's pretty sad right there.
People were still setting up for some party. Okay, question for the fans. Did this town cancel high school so they could fit in more parties? Just wondering.
Look out, here comes a witch with a box of low self-esteem. Hey Bonnie! So, Bonnie's back you guys. She had some unresolved drama with Elena, but then they went for a walk by the lake and it took roughly six seconds for Bonnie to not only get over it, but also to agree to help Elena and her vampire friends. Awesome! The best is when witches have no backbone. Jasmine Guy would be so pissed.
So this guy, who I'm guessing is a guy who used to be important to the show (because he definitely isn't now), brought in a box of werewolf-related information. And guess what? He brought it to just the right people.
After some super unmotivated exposition, we learn that the moonstone dates back to Aztecan legend and is related to the werewolf curse and its restriction to full moons. But seriously, nobody ever specified what exactly it does. So if a werewolf reverses the curse, does that mean they won't become a werewolf anymore or does it mean they'll become a werewolf no matter if there's a full moon or not? Who knows! All I know is, the moonstone will never not be boring.
See? Even the Aztecans were bored by it.
Meanwhile at pre-Masquerade, Werewolf Bro noticed that Stefan was definitely not dead. Don't you hate it when you run into friends you THOUGHT you had killed? Awkwardfest 2K10.
Also the pill-popping cowboy from Friday Night Lights was there helping to set up and also pout about Caroline. Don't mind him, he will definitely not factor into the final scene.
See? Elena is definitely a bit of a psycho.
So then Stefan and Damon enlisted Bonnie to help capture Werewolf Bro for some revenge action. It was a terrific plan.
Once he was captured, Damon got to work poking Werewolf Bro with hot irons so he'd spill the beans on Katherine, but no dice.
Luckily Jeremy showed up with the werewolf version of vervain and Damon knew just what to do with it.
It was super gross.
So eventually we discovered that Werewolf Bro had been keeping the moonstone at the bottom of a well. Because sure. Anyway, Damon and Elena immediately found the well and Damon immediately jumped down it. BAD IDEA.
It was full of vervain, suggesting that Werewolf Bro wasn't a complete idiot. Luckily Elena's besties showed up, and so began Nina Dobrev's worst work week. She saved her hamburger-faced vampire boyfriend from the well, found the moonstone, but then…
SNAKES!! Oh hell no. Oh hell no.
So Elena battled water snakes, climbed out of the well, cut her hand open and fed blood to her boyfriend.
I mean, at what point do you go, "Maybe dating a vampire isn't worth it."?
Caroline and her mom had a nice make-up session. Turns out her dunce of a mother was actually impressed by Caroline's newfound sense of confidence and power. Too bad Caroline had to wipe her memories anyway. Poor Caroline!
So of course Katherine was super pissed when she found out Damon ripped her boyfriend's heart out. Who wouldn't be? Goodbye, Werewolf Bro! But Katherine didn't cry. She got even. She basically just hung up the phone, then dialed Jenna and told her over the phone to do THIS:
Dang, that's cold-blooded, Katherine. So after seeing her aunt stab herself in the stomach with a huge knife, Elena did some soul-searching. And guess what? She actually came to the RIGHT conclusion. She should NOT be dating monsters.
So she BROKE UP with Stefan! And he was not a handsome cryer:
But Katherine had one final trick up her sleeve. Now that her Werewolf Boo was dead, she's dead-set on activating his nephew's curse.
Meet your new spellbound walking suicide victim. Okay, you win, Vampire Diaries. I can't wait to see how you make everything start off normal next week.
And now, the Ian Somerhalder Acting Spotlight:
So bummed about that logo. I want this framed on my wall.
-Will Elena and Stefan ever get back together?
-By dumping Stefan, is Elena just giving Katherine what she wants?
-Will you miss Werewolf Bro, even though he was a surfer?
-Are you worried about Bonnie's self-esteem?