Vampire Diaries: Lonely Monsters

A recurring theme in last night's terrific episode of The Vampire Diaries was loneliness. Four separate characters talked about how lonely they felt, and several others demonstrated classic loner symptoms—and that's not to mention the huge amount of widows and widowers raising their orphaned nieces and nephews in this town. I'm starting to worry about Mystic Falls, you guys. I mean, in addition to being an awful hell-hole of murder and under-lit ennui, it might also become the suicide capital of the South? Yikes! Cheer up, everybody! Most of you have many long, happy years of being a monster ahead of you!

What? Oh yeah, the plot. Last week's cliffhanger saw Elena get kidnapped by a creepy masked man. We picked up this week as the man handed her over to the man who hired him.

He was wearing a hat and sunglasses in his car, which means he was clearly either a vampire without a mystical ring or he was a celebrity.

Elena was just chillin' in the trunk, getting some much-needed rest. I was totally feeling this; there are so many times during the week when I wish I could just be kidnapped and thrown in a trunk so that I could get some sleep.

So then the creepy vampire and/or celebrity did that thing where he was like "come closer, I want to tell you a secret." And the hired kidnapper, who knows he is definitely a loose end in this crime, is like, "Yeah sure, cool, I will totally not get murdered."


So then Jeremy finally noticed that Elena never came home. Me, I'm just impressed she has time to make her bed what with all the family stabbings and supernatural mayhem she's been involved with.

Meanwhile, Damon was chillin' over at Caroline's pad, grillin' her about the incident with newborn werewolf Tyler. (Droppin' my G's, y'all!) Her thing was, she didn't want to tell Tyler about his werewolf-ness because then he'll probably find out about vampires and then they're all screwed. But get this! Did you know that a werewolf bite can kill a vampire? I did not know this. Good to know, The Vampire Diaries!

Oh, and it made me laugh when Damon was like, "Did you see Tyler's eyes turn yellow?" And Caroline responded really seriously, "No, they were more like gold with amber highlights" and Damon seemed SUPER ANNOYED that someone else would have the audacity to have cool-looking eyes.

So then he got all aggro on Caroline and made her promise to take the Tyler threat seriously. Then I got all aggro because NOBODY touches my sweet Caroline that way! If Katherine's going to be locked in a tomb this week, then Caroline is our only hope for a great character!

HIGH SCHOOL! Yes, these characters are still enrolled. And not only that, but someone had actually noticed the Drunk Girls' disappearances! This show is blowing my mind.

This also made me laugh: Did you notice the crappy tennis racket someone left as a memorial to one of the dead girls?

Then did you notice this sign?!

Empty spot to fill! Dang, this school doesn't mess around when it comes to athletics. (Oh, hey Tyler!)

So Tyler was at school and he was having all kinds of confusing things happening with his body. So I guess he's super strong all of a sudden and he's tearing knobs off lockers, but I wonder how else you change when you're a werewolf? Like I bet he totally smells like wet dog now.

He ran into Caroline and asked her about what happened and what she knew, etc. But as Damon instructed, she played it dumb. Great job so far, Caroline! Let's hope Tyler buys it.

Then Stefan and Jeremy had a bro pow-wow in the hallway, where Jeremy seemed WAY too eager to discuss his sister's sex life. But Stefan just furrowed his brow until they both realized that neither of them had seen Elena and she's definitely been kidnapped.

So Elena got carried into yet another under-lit mansion by her kidnapper.

She seemed kind of annoyed that he'd woken her up after all the good Z's she was getting in the trunk. I think we've all been there, Elena.

Uh-oh, this vampire dude's sort of a dreamboat! The British accent definitely helped. He tried to take a quick bite from Elena, but they got interrupted by…

ALICE! Oops, wrong vampire franchise. Same terrible haircut, though. Meet Rose, the other kidnapper. She's actually kind of awesome. Elena started grilling her and she was just like, "Be quiet."

But Elena kept getting up in her face with the same questions over and over. And Rose just kept answering, "Be quiet or else." And then Elena was like, "What do you want?" And then this happened:


"I want you to be quiet." Another recurring thing in this episode: conversations in which someone had to repeat the same thing like three or four times. In this case I was totally on Rose's side. So annoying.

So Stefan told Damon he was going to go track down Elena, but he wanted to crack the tomb and ask Katherine about it. Damon was like, "You're an idiot."

(It kinda looked like Damon was looking into the camera here, so I thought the fans would enjoy this. Pretend he's looking at you and saying your name!)

So Stefan turned to local doormat Bonnie for help. Elena may be her best friend and all, but she was pretty tired of getting involved every time something happened to her (every episode).

But it's clear she got nowhere with Jeremy the night before, so Bonnie's self-esteem was still pretty low. OF COURSE she agreed to help.

There's nothing like classroom witchcraft!

Okay, can I just say that I hate it when people in movies or TV do this? Like, they need to do some bloodletting so they cut the part of their body that they MOST need to remain unscathed? Seriously, the palm of your hand? Isn't there a better place where you can draw blood and not use it to handle everything you touch? Also, they always cut the wound WAY too big. Are you telling me Jeremy won't need some damn stitches for this?!?

Anyway, it's kind of the worst spell ever. He dripped his blood on a map and it just became a blob somewhere in Virginia. Great job!

Plus, Bonnie got a bloody nose, which was scary. I'm really worried about Bonnie, you guys! Just kidding.

Meanwhile, Tyler was just exhibiting more TYPICAL WEREWOLF BEHAVIOR.

He cornered Caroline yet again and tried to grill her for answers. She stuck to her story about not knowing nuthin'. Then he made the mistake of grabbing her wrist…


The boys enjoyed a road trip to somewhere. We learned that Stefan used to be the wild brother and in fact was the one who turned Damon in a vampire. But it's like, come on. Nice try, The Vampire Diaries. Stefan was NEVER interesting or dynamic. Don't bleed on my shoe and tell me it's raining.

Just a typical vampire refreshment for the road.

Elsewhere, Bonnie finally scammed her way into Jeremy's bedroom.

He had this AWESOME new Windows 7 phone with built-in BING! I was like, "Wow, that is a cool new phone for the teens, where can I learn more about it?" And then it was my lucky day because the first ad during the commercial break was for the new WINDOWS 7 PHONE!!! Small world, God works in mysterious ways, etc.

Then Bonnie busted out some MEGA MAGIC by writing a note to Elena and sending it by burning it in the palm of her hand.

So Bonnie's definitely got problems, guys. I hate to say it, but I've never been this happy to see someone get a bloody nose… Bonnie's character is about to get her own plotline! I am so excited to see her do her own thing for once. I mean, yeah she's got Shannen Doherty eyes and bad posture, but she seems like a nice lady and deserves to do something interesting once in a while. Team Bonnie!

Oh, by the way, her spell was kind of stupid. After making this big thing of burning up the note and sending it through time and space, it ended up being just some crumpled up wad underneath Elena's shoe. Witches, am I right? Typical witch stuff.

We learned more about Rose. Not only is she British and like 500+ years old, but she and her scruffy lover were on the run from a fearsome group of vampires called the Originals. Their abduction of Elena (and her subsequent sacrifice) will not only atone for their original crime of helping Katherine, but will lead to the vampire-sunlight curse being broken. Or something. I'm not really sure. Doppelgangers.

Ugh, Tyler again. This time he followed Caroline home and then did that super stupid thing that only people on TV do…

The Dramatic Walkaround:

I mean, have you ever in your life participated in one of these?

Again, he pressed her for answers about his situation. His big theory was that she's a werewolf too. She laughed in his face, which offended him because it might have come off as sorta werewolf racist. So then he tackled her. Bad idea.

Whoops! Vampire's out of the bag! Now Tyler knows he's not the only monster in town.

Over at kidnap central, Elijah the Original showed up to claim his prize and he looked FANCY.

He smelled Elena like any good creep does.

The guy kidnapper was trying to apologize for his original sin. He was like, "Now we're even, right?"

Then this happened:

Holy moly! Relax, The Vampire Diaries. Anyway, Rose was super bummed when this happened. Her boyfriend of four centuries just got beheaded by Eurotrash!

Then Damon and Stefan showed up and did so much of that blurry running-all-around-the room that I was tempted to change the channel. Seriously, this is one example of how annoying vampires are. What was the point of this? Both Rose and Elijah are VAMPIRES. Plus, they're older and more powerful. They can do blurry running too, so I'm guessing it's not that impressive. But for some reason, they seemed worried and scared here.

After some minor tussling and the use of a vervain grenade, Damon stabbed Elijah with a hat rack.

Then Elena was all starry-eyed in Damon's direction.

And he looked up at her like it was the happiest day of his life...

Whoops! Wrong hunky vampire.

Damon looked all butt-hurt.

But then Elena was definitely giving him "back at'cha" eyes. What does it all mean?

Meanwhile, Caroline knew just what Tyler needed: alcohol. Typical teen monsters. Sometimes on TV shows it makes me laugh when I think about the timeline. This scene came HOURS after she bared her fangs at him. What had they been up to since then? Just awkward silence?

Anyway, she made him swear to keep her secret (she claimed she was the only vampire in town). They both talked about how lonely they felt, and it was clear they were kind of falling for each other. And you know what, I DON'T OBJECT. It might be interesting to see vampire and werewolf go to prom.

So then Rose showed up in Stefan's mansion and was like, "Elijah may be dead but it's not over."

And Stefan was like "what do you mean it's not over?"

"It's not over."

Fair enough! Another thing I don't object to is Rose. She has a pretty cool personality, a neat accent, and actually seems like a strong-willed lady. I hope she sticks around awhile. She mentioned that she almost dated Stefan in the past, so I'm betting that'll come back up again during his separation from Elena. I've only known Rose for like seven minutes, but she's already a much better character than Elena. So yeah. TEAM ROSE!

Second annoying thing vampires do: Show up in your bedroom when you're about to go to bed.

In a pretty moving scene, Damon finally poured his heart out to Elena, telling her the extent to which he loves her.

She just kind of stared dumbly and literally said, "Don't go there." Poor guy. He's fallen in love with a girl whose brain is as smooth as her hair.

And then he glamored her to make her forget all about it.

She blinked and he was gone. It'd have been poetic if it weren't for the home invasion element.

Also: Elijah the Original wasn't dead. Because of course he wasn't. This show has only two consistent rules about vampires, but apparently the stake-in-the-heart one had to go. Great job, writers!


... Looks like Katherine's coming back! Will she help or hurt?

... What's up with Bonnie, y'all?

... Caroline + Tyler… Love connection or trouble?

... Do you like Rose? Should she join the gang permanently?