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Vampire Diaries: Lonely Monsters

A recurring theme in last night's terrific episode of The Vampire Diaries was loneliness. Four separate characters talked about how lonely they felt, and several others demonstrated classic loner symptoms—and that's not to mention the huge amount of widows and widowers raising their orphaned nieces and nephews in this town. I'm starting to worry about Mystic Falls, you guys. I mean, in addition to being an awful hell-hole of murder and under-lit ennui, it might also become the suicide capital of the South? Yikes! Cheer up, everybody! Most of you have many long, happy years of being a monster ahead of you!

What? Oh yeah, the plot. Last week's cliffhanger saw Elena get kidnapped by a creepy masked man. We picked up this week as the man handed her over to the man who hired him.

He was wearing a hat and sunglasses in his car, which means he was clearly either a vampire without a mystical ring or he was a celebrity.

Elena was just chillin' in the trunk, getting some much-needed rest. I was totally feeling this; there are so many times during the week when I wish I could just be kidnapped and thrown in a trunk so that I could get some sleep.

So then the creepy vampire and/or celebrity did that thing where he was like "come closer, I want to tell you a secret." And the hired kidnapper, who knows he is definitely a loose end in this crime, is like, "Yeah sure, cool, I will totally not get murdered."

Whoops!

So then Jeremy finally noticed that Elena never came home. Me, I'm just impressed she has time to make her bed what with all the family stabbings and supernatural mayhem she's been involved with.

Meanwhile, Damon was chillin' over at Caroline's pad, grillin' her about the incident with newborn werewolf Tyler. (Droppin' my G's, y'all!) Her thing was, she didn't want to tell Tyler about his werewolf-ness because then he'll probably find out about vampires and then they're all screwed. But get this! Did you know that a werewolf bite can kill a vampire? I did not know this. Good to know, The Vampire Diaries!

Oh, and it made me laugh when Damon was like, "Did you see Tyler's eyes turn yellow?" And Caroline responded really seriously, "No, they were more like gold with amber highlights" and Damon seemed SUPER ANNOYED that someone else would have the audacity to have cool-looking eyes.

So then he got all aggro on Caroline and made her promise to take the Tyler threat seriously. Then I got all aggro because NOBODY touches my sweet Caroline that way! If Katherine's going to be locked in a tomb this week, then Caroline is our only hope for a great character!

HIGH SCHOOL! Yes, these characters are still enrolled. And not only that, but someone had actually noticed the Drunk Girls' disappearances! This show is blowing my mind.

This also made me laugh: Did you notice the crappy tennis racket someone left as a memorial to one of the dead girls?

Then did you notice this sign?!

Empty spot to fill! Dang, this school doesn't mess around when it comes to athletics. (Oh, hey Tyler!)

So Tyler was at school and he was having all kinds of confusing things happening with his body. So I guess he's super strong all of a sudden and he's tearing knobs off lockers, but I wonder how else you change when you're a werewolf? Like I bet he totally smells like wet dog now.

He ran into Caroline and asked her about what happened and what she knew, etc. But as Damon instructed, she played it dumb. Great job so far, Caroline! Let's hope Tyler buys it.

Then Stefan and Jeremy had a bro pow-wow in the hallway, where Jeremy seemed WAY too eager to discuss his sister's sex life. But Stefan just furrowed his brow until they both realized that neither of them had seen Elena and she's definitely been kidnapped.

So Elena got carried into yet another under-lit mansion by her kidnapper.

She seemed kind of annoyed that he'd woken her up after all the good Z's she was getting in the trunk. I think we've all been there, Elena.

Uh-oh, this vampire dude's sort of a dreamboat! The British accent definitely helped. He tried to take a quick bite from Elena, but they got interrupted by…

ALICE! Oops, wrong vampire franchise. Same terrible haircut, though. Meet Rose, the other kidnapper. She's actually kind of awesome. Elena started grilling her and she was just like, "Be quiet."

But Elena kept getting up in her face with the same questions over and over. And Rose just kept answering, "Be quiet or else." And then Elena was like, "What do you want?" And then this happened:

Pow!

"I want you to be quiet." Another recurring thing in this episode: conversations in which someone had to repeat the same thing like three or four times. In this case I was totally on Rose's side. So annoying.

So Stefan told Damon he was going to go track down Elena, but he wanted to crack the tomb and ask Katherine about it. Damon was like, "You're an idiot."

(It kinda looked like Damon was looking into the camera here, so I thought the fans would enjoy this. Pretend he's looking at you and saying your name!)

So Stefan turned to local doormat Bonnie for help. Elena may be her best friend and all, but she was pretty tired of getting involved every time something happened to her (every episode).

But it's clear she got nowhere with Jeremy the night before, so Bonnie's self-esteem was still pretty low. OF COURSE she agreed to help.

There's nothing like classroom witchcraft!

Okay, can I just say that I hate it when people in movies or TV do this? Like, they need to do some bloodletting so they cut the part of their body that they MOST need to remain unscathed? Seriously, the palm of your hand? Isn't there a better place where you can draw blood and not use it to handle everything you touch? Also, they always cut the wound WAY too big. Are you telling me Jeremy won't need some damn stitches for this?!?

Anyway, it's kind of the worst spell ever. He dripped his blood on a map and it just became a blob somewhere in Virginia. Great job!

Plus, Bonnie got a bloody nose, which was scary. I'm really worried about Bonnie, you guys! Just kidding.

Meanwhile, Tyler was just exhibiting more TYPICAL WEREWOLF BEHAVIOR.

He cornered Caroline yet again and tried to grill her for answers. She stuck to her story about not knowing nuthin'. Then he made the mistake of grabbing her wrist…

VAMPIRE JUDO!

The boys enjoyed a road trip to somewhere. We learned that Stefan used to be the wild brother and in fact was the one who turned Damon in a vampire. But it's like, come on. Nice try, The Vampire Diaries. Stefan was NEVER interesting or dynamic. Don't bleed on my shoe and tell me it's raining.

Just a typical vampire refreshment for the road.

Elsewhere, Bonnie finally scammed her way into Jeremy's bedroom.

He had this AWESOME new Windows 7 phone with built-in BING! I was like, "Wow, that is a cool new phone for the teens, where can I learn more about it?" And then it was my lucky day because the first ad during the commercial break was for the new WINDOWS 7 PHONE!!! Small world, God works in mysterious ways, etc.

Then Bonnie busted out some MEGA MAGIC by writing a note to Elena and sending it by burning it in the palm of her hand.

So Bonnie's definitely got problems, guys. I hate to say it, but I've never been this happy to see someone get a bloody nose… Bonnie's character is about to get her own plotline! I am so excited to see her do her own thing for once. I mean, yeah she's got Shannen Doherty eyes and bad posture, but she seems like a nice lady and deserves to do something interesting once in a while. Team Bonnie!

Oh, by the way, her spell was kind of stupid. After making this big thing of burning up the note and sending it through time and space, it ended up being just some crumpled up wad underneath Elena's shoe. Witches, am I right? Typical witch stuff.

We learned more about Rose. Not only is she British and like 500+ years old, but she and her scruffy lover were on the run from a fearsome group of vampires called the Originals. Their abduction of Elena (and her subsequent sacrifice) will not only atone for their original crime of helping Katherine, but will lead to the vampire-sunlight curse being broken. Or something. I'm not really sure. Doppelgangers.

Ugh, Tyler again. This time he followed Caroline home and then did that super stupid thing that only people on TV do…

The Dramatic Walkaround:

I mean, have you ever in your life participated in one of these?

Again, he pressed her for answers about his situation. His big theory was that she's a werewolf too. She laughed in his face, which offended him because it might have come off as sorta werewolf racist. So then he tackled her. Bad idea.

Whoops! Vampire's out of the bag! Now Tyler knows he's not the only monster in town.

Over at kidnap central, Elijah the Original showed up to claim his prize and he looked FANCY.

He smelled Elena like any good creep does.

The guy kidnapper was trying to apologize for his original sin. He was like, "Now we're even, right?"

Then this happened:

Holy moly! Relax, The Vampire Diaries. Anyway, Rose was super bummed when this happened. Her boyfriend of four centuries just got beheaded by Eurotrash!

Then Damon and Stefan showed up and did so much of that blurry running-all-around-the room that I was tempted to change the channel. Seriously, this is one example of how annoying vampires are. What was the point of this? Both Rose and Elijah are VAMPIRES. Plus, they're older and more powerful. They can do blurry running too, so I'm guessing it's not that impressive. But for some reason, they seemed worried and scared here.

After some minor tussling and the use of a vervain grenade, Damon stabbed Elijah with a hat rack.

Then Elena was all starry-eyed in Damon's direction.

And he looked up at her like it was the happiest day of his life...

Whoops! Wrong hunky vampire.

Damon looked all butt-hurt.

But then Elena was definitely giving him "back at'cha" eyes. What does it all mean?

Meanwhile, Caroline knew just what Tyler needed: alcohol. Typical teen monsters. Sometimes on TV shows it makes me laugh when I think about the timeline. This scene came HOURS after she bared her fangs at him. What had they been up to since then? Just awkward silence?

Anyway, she made him swear to keep her secret (she claimed she was the only vampire in town). They both talked about how lonely they felt, and it was clear they were kind of falling for each other. And you know what, I DON'T OBJECT. It might be interesting to see vampire and werewolf go to prom.

So then Rose showed up in Stefan's mansion and was like, "Elijah may be dead but it's not over."

And Stefan was like "what do you mean it's not over?"

"It's not over."

Fair enough! Another thing I don't object to is Rose. She has a pretty cool personality, a neat accent, and actually seems like a strong-willed lady. I hope she sticks around awhile. She mentioned that she almost dated Stefan in the past, so I'm betting that'll come back up again during his separation from Elena. I've only known Rose for like seven minutes, but she's already a much better character than Elena. So yeah. TEAM ROSE!

Second annoying thing vampires do: Show up in your bedroom when you're about to go to bed.

In a pretty moving scene, Damon finally poured his heart out to Elena, telling her the extent to which he loves her.

She just kind of stared dumbly and literally said, "Don't go there." Poor guy. He's fallen in love with a girl whose brain is as smooth as her hair.

And then he glamored her to make her forget all about it.

She blinked and he was gone. It'd have been poetic if it weren't for the home invasion element.

Also: Elijah the Original wasn't dead. Because of course he wasn't. This show has only two consistent rules about vampires, but apparently the stake-in-the-heart one had to go. Great job, writers!

Questions:

... Looks like Katherine's coming back! Will she help or hurt?

... What's up with Bonnie, y'all?

... Caroline + Tyler… Love connection or trouble?

... Do you like Rose? Should she join the gang permanently?

Comments (68)
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I loved this and I liked Rose too.

Now, the questions: you already know that; I don't know about this episode, but for season three, I wouldn't mind her staying with her dad's family at least until the middle of the season; I don't think they're going to make it on the long run, but there's something there; I already told you I liked her and she's kind of dead now.

Now my question: I get you don't like Bonnie's character (me neither) but...how about the actrice, is she doing a good job?
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Jeremy and Elena ARE blood related. John Gilbert is her real father. Technically I guess they'd be cousins.
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is it just me or did the writesrs actually forgot a very important part? jeremy and elena are NOT blood related!!!
and also, jeremy is getting hotter by the second!!
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brother = uncle.
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Uhm, John is Jeremy's brother and Elena's father, they ARE bloodrelated.
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I still watch the show, but reading these reviews...I realize they are better than the show...I think i will just wait for the reviews!
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i wait for Vampire diaries reviews every week and i love the questions! Katherine is unperdictable i think she'll help and get her own way.

Bonnie has to have a storyline so they wrote the craft hurting the witch thing to keep her alive or they'll have to kill her like any other character they dont want.

i'd love to see Caroline and Tyler together way better than Matt!

Rose is a british version of Alice cullen! and by the way is so much better. hope she takes Stefan and leaves Damon to Elena since she cares abt him so much and we all can see it her eyes that she likes bad boy Damon!

next episode's review seems really interesting cant wait!
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Excellent review. I read your others and I think this one is the best. You make many good points. You do rip on the show pretty hard, but you have to realize there was a LOT of character development in Season 1- overwhelming in fact. Since you haven't seen it, these chars mean nothing to you. Jeremy went through 2 major relationships with 2 awesome female characters, Alaric (the guy you don't know) is actually the ex-husband of Elena's birth mother- who was willingly turned into a vamp by Damon (got that?), there was a bunch of history with Pearl, Anna, Katherine, & the tomb, Elena's real father was revealed as an a-hole and co-conspirator with Katherine, and some of Damon's early murder rampages were awesome. You haven't done the show justice until you've seen Vicki, Pearl, and the tomb episodes. See, even if the show is ridiculous (and most shows are) it is full of action & twists. It's very exciting to watch.
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After Vamp diaries airs, I always come to tv.com to look for your review. That's how awesome they are! So true about the walkaround and Rose looking like Alice. And as if you noticed the tennis thing haha. I am team Carotyler...or Tyroline...uh watever
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I LOVE your reviews, you're beyond hilarious. I mean, I do enjoy the show in the way of a guilty pleasure, but I think I've actually started to look forward to your reviews more. You're doing an awesome job, so just keep it up. (And I do like Alice, I mean, Rose. However, her character definitely has potential for another why-did-she-had-to-die-and-she-was-such-a-nice-change death. As far as Caroline&Tyler thing goes... Maybe a love connection, but I'd keep hickeys out of it. Deadly stuff.)
But I do have to say that Damon... Mmmm one can just melt in those eyes. Like I said, guilty pleasure. :D
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Great episode, fun article to read. I think Katherine's motives will be unknown for some time, I think she would help, but only for her own reasons. Bonnie should be able to handle the power she has, I think she suffers too much from it, Caroline and Tyler does equal trouble, but that makes it interesting! I really like Rose, and hope to see her again. After seeing Elijah I want to learn more about him and the Originals!!!!
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I can't stop watching Elena getting b*tch slapped, and catapulted on the couch LMAO!
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haha, awesome review! It was pretty much funnier reading this than watching the episode!!
The show is ok, don't get me wrong, but some stuff are just plain annoying. The writers like to downplay the strenght of the old vamps so the Salvatore brothers can have a got at them.. should've made them older then.. would make more sense.
Making Damon and Stefan run around and putting Elijah and Rose looking at each other clueless is kinda lame.. take True Blood for example.. Russell completely nailed Bill and Eric doesn't even have the balls to go after cause he knows better..

Anyways.. lol again..
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I have to say again, Your reviews are HILARIOUS!!! I don`t see the show but for some reason i'm still reading this every week
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I think they forgot about it...but Jeremy is still related, he's just her cousin instead of her brother...Jonathan Gilbert was Elena's father and the brother of Jeremy's father.
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funny reviews..
another thing, when bonnie said only blood related can use to track elena... i thought jeremy is not blood related? she was adopted right?
but anyway... damon scene pouring his heart out is really sad...
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I really like this show but your reviews are HILARIOUS!!! Keep up!
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love your review!! This show has jumped the shark! but at least we can have fun fun fun with the weekly posts. Though I must say I really liked the Damon invading Elena's bedroom but I'll never understand their love for her, maybe for Katherine, but that Elena is super dull!!
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Great review!
And bring evil Damon back!!! We have one cute caring vampire already! Stefan is more than enough! We need Damon to be naughty!
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love reading your reviews, a lot more than actually watching the show :D
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love your reviews :D
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i love your review. they are so interesting to read. i hope rose stays for a little longer. i like her and great writing for the writers. great show. the best
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I love this show and your TVD reviews - they are hilarous !
"Alice ! Oops, wrong vampire franchise" - GREAT !
Personally - I am a Stelena shipper, but the ending scene, with Damon pouring his heart out to Elena - very moving.
Looking forward to the next episode and your review of course. Keep going !
Team Peterson :-)
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you really have to hand it to nina dobrev. It speaks volumes of her acting skills when she plays two characters in the same show where one is loved by the audience and another hated. I mean its funny that the hated one is the "good" character and the loved one is the "bad" character lol
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LMAO!! Excellent writing :D
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Wow, a good writer on TV.com??? Color me shocked. Didn't even notice the tennis racket and sign, good catch. Hey can you write the recaps for Supernatural? Would love your take on the new episodes.
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Hilarious
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I don't know how you come up with these reviews every episode but somehow you do and they are GREAT!!! Love your reviews soooooo FUNNY!!
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Caroline and Tyler could be interesting, I'll ship that. I like Rose she should definitely stay for some more episodes.
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The scene in which Damon tells Elena he loves WAS poetic! Team Dalena! Stefan is a bore!!
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Love your recaps keep it coming.
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TEAM ROSE!! except for the horrible haircut :/ ... But I love her and her accent ever since playing Bela in Supernatural ... Hopefully she will be as *itchy as then :D
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I love this show and all but........your reviews are hilarious! 'She just kind of stared dumbly and literally said, "Don't go there." Poor guy. He's fallen in love with a girl whose brain is as smooth as her hair.' was probably the best line tbh :) x
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Best line of the whole review --- "So Stefan turned to local doormat Bonnie for help." LOL!
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@ PetrosMpakani she doesn't need to be invited in, there are no humans living at the Salvatore's anymore.
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Another question.How did rose enter the mansion?
When was she invited in?
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Amending my last post, Damon won't be the only adult Monster in the group (sorry Alaric, forgot about you!) :-)
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Okay, so I'm officially hooked on your recaps! After watching Vamp D, I look forward to cracking up reading your recaps. Q1: Like I said last week, Of course they would bring her back and it will be interesting to see if she stays typical selfish Kat or shock the heck out of us by suddenly turning nice and going all Damon on us. Q2: Remember Gramps and the fact she died after doing the tomb spell? Witches get weak if they use their powers too much. Doesnt look good for Bonnie :-( Q3:First let me say that I HEART Vampire Caroline! She Rocks! CaroTy would be really interesting and possibly lead to the death of Matt when he finds out. Q4: Okay, I'm so lovin Rose! And finally, Damon won't be the only adult in the group! Til next week...
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I actually would like to see Caroline and Tyler hook up. Also, I would like for Rose to be Damon's love interest. he needs a woman to take his mind off that little girl, Elena. Besides, Rose said Lexi tried to hook her up with Stephan, but she goes for the bad boy... so that'd be Damon. I loved the slicing the head off and I'm hoping these bad guys up the ante on the show these season.
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I laughed my *ss off; the tennis-sign was really horrible and I hadn't noticed, and the Walkaround comment was brilliantly true. I have one huge problem with Elena going starry eyed over Damon rescuing her; only a few episode ago she hated him and would never consider him a friend again for murdering Jeremy, since he had not seen the ring. An aaaawwwh, Damon's tear after he told Elena to forget... sigh. Where can I find my own Ian Somerhalder?
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The beheading scene was excellent and believable, way better than death scenes from True Blood in my opinion. Anyways.... Rose is cool, but Caroline + Tyler? Wolf + Vampire? Has anyone seen this before? Underworld maybe? Imagine their baby... Born with super light skin, and 8-pack and mommy issues!
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I think that Jeremy is pretty close to hit Bonnie heheh
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It's sad, but when I watch the show I just think "oooh, soon I get to read the review". It's better than the show. I felt so sorry for Damon in this episode. Poor guy. At least he gets to bone Elena IRL. About Bonnie, isn't she having the same problems as Hiro in Heroes? He used his timetraveling to much and got really sick. Maybe he's a witch too? I hope they sacrifice Katherine, because they can't really kill off Elena.
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fantastic recap, for Katherine she is not coming back , bonnie will be fine, caro-tylor love connection and trouble, rose should replace Elena for awhile
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My god you're brilliant!! These recaps are so freakin' hilarious! I applaud you!

Q1: I guess at first Kat will probably be like I'm a angry vampire so I can totally hurt all you guys, but then something will happen and she will turn to the rescue what will make Stefan totally fall in love with her again and for that reason Damon and Elena can be together! Hahah! (Sure I do know that my answer is stupid and terrible!)

Q2: Bonnie...maybe she's having a brain tumor from all the witch stuff she's been doing?

Q3: Caroline + Tyler, well, to me they look cute together, so it might work. Definitly would be fun, whole werewolf/vampire-love-thing!

Q4: Yeah! Yes I'm on Team Rose here too!! Girl Power!
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Great recap!=)) Tyler and Caroline...NOOO!! He's so stupid and annoying. Can't stand him.
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damon is amazing here, just love him, and overall amazing episode
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Damon fans or Damon-Elena fans will love & (perhaps simultaneously) hate the ending =\ I might've shed a tear or two too =\ :( Nice recap of the episode! Quite accurate! :) Cant wait for next week's episode! :)
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You Left out the Part about Rose tellin Stefan tht they r all doin it for Klaus, he's the main antagonist in Book 4 "The Reunion", and Elijah doesnt die because according to book 4 the Originals can be hurt by only White ash Wood, and hey the werewolf bite killing a vampire was mentioned in episode 3...And u forgot to mention that KAtherine is the first Doppelganger of the first Petrova as in there was a First Petrova who "looked or looks" like Katherine and Elena, which means both of them are Doppelgangers, Katherine escaped her fate by turning into a vampire and suggest Elena to do the same in the episode 9 aka KATERINA promo
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I was waiting all day for this (and yesterday) and it was very much worth it. You didn't disappoint. Once again funny and a good recap.
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This review was so good I'm considering skipping this week's episode, who needs it when you've graciously cut out all the boring bits and told us all exactly what's up? Keep it coming, and hey, if I suggested other shows for you to do this for, would you consider it? I don't watch Gossip Girl anymore, could you watch it for me and write funny recaps? How about Sons of Anarchy?
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Oh JOY, Yet another vampire that is immune to vampire killing methods, Really this show is soooo boring lately.
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