If Season 3’s theme was “No Friends for Claudia,” then the apparent sequel to that sad epic is this season’s “Lets Alienate Artie!” Brutal, man. Remind me again why anyone would want to aspire to work at the warehouse? It doesn’t even seem particularly fun anymore. For the characters, I mean. I’m actually having loads of fun waiting for the figurative other shoe to drop.
Despite last week’s field trip to go watch an artifact be born and despite all of the fun questions that little incident raised about the true nature of artifacts, especially their supposed evilness, the status quo was very much reinstated this week. Artie proclaimed, “Artifacts are not fair” when Zombie Jinks lamented his current situation with being all tangled up in Claudia’s soul and an artifact once thought to be locked safely away came back to ruin the day for all. But especially for Artie, since that’s the theme and all. Who doesn’t love a theme?
Way way back in Season 1, there was "Duped," our first tangle with crazy Alice Liddell, who inconveniently possessed Myka during a trip to Las Vegas. The artifact at hand was Lewis Carroll’s mirror, which spewed forth the homicidal maniac he supposedly based Alice in Wonderland on, possessing unsuspecting schmucks before being locked back inside the mirror and exiled to the warehouse’s Dark Vault.
Despite supposedly being locked up in the warehouse, the mirror turned up at a thrift shop in Rapid City, Iowa where awkward girl-for-God Kristin accidentally broke it and psycho Alice learned a new trick—rather than restrict herself to one body, she realized that she could jump from body to body if she carried around a shard of the broken mirror. Armed with her shard, she took to the streets of Rapid City to find L’Etoile... the restaurant one Artie Nielsen just so happened to be enjoying his monthly date night with Dr. Vanessa.
And so began the worst date night ever.
But first, awkward misinformed scavenger-hunting with Claudia and Zombie Jinks! When Myka and Pete figured out that the artifact they were hunting was an artifact thought to have been good and hunted before, Steve and Claudia checked the Dark Vault to make sure the mirror was still there. Not only was it NOT there, but one of those pesky black diamonds had been left in its place. Artie’s reluctance to involve Possibly-Eventually-Evil Claudia in the ongoing theft of artifacts came spilling out because Jinks assumed that she was already aware of the situation, what with being in charge of warehouse security and all. Oops.
Next, Jinks and Claudia had to track down a magic hookah to suck Alice’s soul out of her current body and give the agents a place to stash her since her original prison was in pieces. When Claudia initiated an artifact avalanche during her ascent of Mount Donovan, Jinks was electrocuted by a javelin (I think it was a javelin? Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m going with javelin until further notice) and Claudia felt the effects. Leena, along for the hunt, spied with her magic eyes, and their auras did a little bit of trading places during all the soul confusion while Jinks got zapped. She ominously pointed out that she had only seen something similar once before and that it had ended badly.
Who here thinks Zombie Jinks will be a goner by the end of the season?
I kind of do. Look at it this way: The writers aren't going to kill Claudia.
Armed with the soul-sucking hookah, the gang met up to save Artie and Vanessa. In a dizzying display of meatsuit leapfrog, Alice went from the nameless sap in a suit, to the bellboy, to Vanessa, to Claudia. She revealed that she was given a mission by Brother Adrian to kill Vanessa and further the Brotherhood’s mission to destroy his life’s work. Man, Adrian went from awesome dork to raging dick in record time.
Under Alice’s influence, Claudia smashed the hookah and changed her mind about killing Vanessa, turning her sights on Artie instead. Jinks took one for the team (again) and saved Artie. He also incapacitated the possessed Claudia long enough to neutralize the chunk of mirror Alice had been carrying around.
With the obvious danger gone, it was time to talk about feelings. Jinks came clean to Claudia about their unfortunate connection. She took it like a champ. Also being rather mature about her situation was Dr. Vanessa, who despite being unhappy with Artie’s decision to end their relationship on grounds of mortal peril, told him to look her up again if he ever got over his big mysterious drama.
And Artie’s big mysterious drama, his secrecy, and the black diamonds littering the empty places in the warehouse’s inventory were the topic of conversation for a very concerned Myka, Pete, Jinks, and Claudia. I’m sure Leena will be included in that brain trust once she lets them in on the ominous threats Artie threw at Brother Adrian when he thought he was alone with the astrolabe in the Dark Vault.
THEY’RE ON TO YOU, ARTIE.
Let’s be real, though—he wasn’t exactly excelling at keeping his secret anyway.
Additional Notes from the “Library of Crazy”
– Raise your hand if you were delighted to see Claudia and Zombie Jinks being their awesome bromantic selves. (You can totally have a bromance where one half of the team is female. Yes you can. I refuse to believe otherwise.) Claudia: “Who died and made you boss of me?” Jinks: “Uh...I did.”
– What would Claudia’s little conqueror flag look like for the claiming of Mount Donovan? I mean, she has to have a flag, otherwise it doesn’t count.
– No really, what’s our Zombie Jinks end-of-season status prediction?
– So let me get this straight, Artie. Security has been compromised, even in the super-secret, ultra-locked-down Dark Vault...and you’re going to continue to stash your Precious there? Okay.
– I feel like Myka and Pete have done a lot of standing around all season, participating in standard artifact hunts, but not really being included in the main season-long arc...yet. Thoughts?