Warehouse 13: Worst Scavenger Hunt Ever

Warehouse 13 S04E03: “Personal Effects”

Zombie Steve got to reclaim his stuff from the Living Quarters Collection. It was a pretty big moment for him. Pete good-naturedly lamented the hot water rationing that would have to be re-implemented now that Leena’s was back to housing five warehouse agents. Gone was his much loved 30-minute power shower. Ashes to ashes, blah blah blah.

So it seemed that things were mellowing out and getting back to the warehouse’s version of normal after last week's time-traveling-revenge/corpse-reanimation adventures, but one more Sykes-oriented mission had all hands on deck for an artifact scavenger hunt in Devil’s Lake, North Dakota. I actually saw this episode of Supernatural (S07E16, “Out with the Old”). You know, the one where the guy who has no idea that the junk he’s carting around is a trove of cursed objects, I mean, ARTIFACTS, and he ends up unwittingly unleashing them on innocent townspeople through the magic of a consignment shop, leaving Sam and Dean, I mean, PETE AND MYKA, to clean up the mess. Yeah, THAT episode.

It’s cool though. I’m not even mad. I’m not particularly delighted, but I’m not mad. Supernatural is like a billion years old. It compulsively rips off its own storylines, and the fact that another show has seen fit to (theoretically) draw inspiration from that ancient well isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Unless Warehouse 13 starts churning out the angst at the speed of Walter White’s meth lab—then we’re going to have problems.

Oh. Wait.

So basically, the First Annual Devil’s Lake Artifact Hunt appeared to be standard Warehouse 13 fare, right down to our three teams. Myka and Pete, Artie and Leena, and (Zombie) Jinks and Claudia split up to find the AWOL artifacts. There was the dude using the invisible Ray Bans to perv on babes in the Victoria’s Secret knock-off. There was the possessed violin and the golf clubs of rage. And finally there was the pipe with the power to control the weather. Steve gave the obligatory warning/reminder that using artifacts for personal gain is a bad idea and hinted at the disaster that we ALL know is going to befall his reanimated ass at some point this season. He noticed that the pain from any injuries he received was immediately transferred to Claudia, presumably due to her soul being the glue holding his zombie self together. Interesting. And weird. And then OMG THE DUDE WITH THE UN-PEACE PIPE TOTALLY KILLED HIMSELF SO THAT HIS TERMINALLY ILL LITTLE BROTHER COULD HAVE HIS HEART.

I... what? I mean, I guess it would have been nine kinds of wrong to waste the little kid just to make a point about not being able to control destiny or whatever but really, Syfy, what am I supposed to take away from this? Support Obamacare? I got that when it was revealed that Jesse was using the artifact to steal money to pay for his little brother’s medical treatment. I mean, we went from, “Oh look, social commentary” to “I NEED TO REEVALUATE MY LIFE” awfully quick there, skippy.

But still, I’m not mad. Warehouse 13, I’m not mad. I’m not disappointed. Really. That was a pretty ballsy move there. I’m just confused. And a little bit scared.

Actually, I’m very scared: for Claudia and Zombie Steve and their soul glue malfunction, for Artie and Leena and their angry aura tango, and for Myka and Pete and... actually, Myka and Pete are doing okay for once. But this season has been real from the premiere and just when it looked like it was ready to hit the brakes, whoever is behind the wheel decided to reach for the NOS.

Additional Notes from the “Library of Crazy”

– Uh-oh. Artie let some details slip while under the influence of the golf clubs o’ rage. Leena’s totally onto him. I wonder if it counts as telling someone if he spills to Trailer the warehouse dog? They DO have a psychic connection, after all.

– “I feel like Helen Hunt in Twister.” Man, I love Twister. Screw Helen Hunt, though. I want to be Philip Seymour Hoffman. The Suck Zone!

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