Watch Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore's Horrifying Sex Slavery PSAs (VIDEO)

The [imagined] conversation that led to Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore's stupefyingly dumb “child sex slavery” awareness campaign:

A bucolic afternoon at the Kutcher/Moore estate.

Ashton: [feverishly tapping at his iPhone] Babe! You wouldn’t believe what this tweet just said: “In just the United States, between 100,000 and 300,000 children are enslaved and sold for sex.”
Demi: WHAT?! That’s completely unacceptable.
Ashton: Well, we should do something about it. Use our celebrity for good.
Demi: Like, a public service announcement?

A knock at the bedroom door.

Demi: Come in! Oh, hi Tallulah...
Tallulah: Hi, mom. Can I drive the Maserati to my Bollywood dance class?
Demi: Sure.
Ashton: But no trips to make-out point, young lady!

The three burst out in laughter. Tallulah leaves.

Ashton: So, anyway, here’s what I was thinking about our child-sex-slave awareness campaign. I mean, we could go the traditional route—black and white, somber music, staring directly into the camera and rattling off the terrifying statistics I just read on Twitter...
Demi: Right...
Ashton: But that’s been done a million times before, and everyone is still buying child sex slaves! So what if we did something a little
Demi: I like what I’m hearing. Go on.
Ashton: Like, you know those awesome Old Spice ads—the ones with the black guy who’s on a horse, then on a motorcycle, then in a hot tub? Something like that. Maybe we could even get him to star in one.
Demi: Oh please, honey. We’ll have our pick of A-list friends to star in these things.
Ashton: You’re so right! So, we just need to come up with the funny hook...Let’s see...Child slaves...paying to enslave a child who you then have sex with...That’s a bad thing...
Demi: This is hard!
Ashton: Shh...Wait. Wait. I think I have it. The point here is to “shame” the guys who do it, right? So why don’t we get them where it hurts? Let’s attack their masculinity, because if there’s anything our society puts a high premium on, it’s acting like a macho, football-loving American. So we’ll mock them for being “less than men” for having sex with slave children. What’s worse than being less than a man?!
Demi: Nothing! How about we call it “Real Men”?
Ashton: Right! And we’ll get big stars to poke fun at themselves as being something “less” than “Real Men!” The bad guys who enslave children to have sex with them will then see these hilarious viral ads, and will be so simultaneously amused by their cleverness, and ashamed at the fact that forcing slave children into sexual situations is something a real man would never do, that the child slave trade will once and for all be a thing of the past. It’s effective AND entertaining!
Demi: This is why I love you.

He pulls her into his arms and kisses her deeply.

Fade to black.

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