ABC today announced the latest lineup for Dancing With the Stars That Need a Career Makeover, and it has its usual share of early frontrunners, two left-footers, and desperate cries for attention. But make no mistake, Mya "My Love is Like...Wo" will take home that gaudy trophy.
We correctly predicted gymnast Shawn Johnson as last edition's winner (although to be fair, that was a pretty easy call -- apologies to Gilles Marini), and this year is just as crystal clear. But let's be honest, watching to see who wins is only part of the joy of DWTS. The best part? Making fun of the participants, so let's get started!
Mya, 29, triple-threat: Let's get this out of the way first: She's smoking hot. That doesn't hurt with the judges. She's done stage, won Grammys, modeled, and acted. As for the dancing part, have you seen her videos? Yeah, she's got that part down. Plus those long legs of hers are trained in tap dancing. Tap dancing! This is like putting Bill O'Reilly on Being a Jerkbag with the Stars. Put it on the board: winner.
Debi Mazar, 45, actress (Entourage): She's got a background in dancing as an NYC B-Girl, so she' not totally out of her element. Plus she's always had that je ne sais quoi about her, and that mysteriousness coupled with her sass should keep her from getting booted early. She's a middle-of-the-pack contender with enough personality to make her a dark horse.
Joanna Krupa, 30, model: Joanna's modeling career never really took off beyond the pages of Maxim, Playboy, and the lockers of members of the Armed Forces, so we can't really call her a supermodel. She's definitely here for the eye candy and to give her career an important jumpstart, but your guess about her dancing skills is as good as ours. One thing's for sure: expect Google to be inundated with "Joanna Krupa nude" searches after the premiere. We'll hate to see you go, but we'll love to watch you leave. Middle-to-low finish.
Ashley Hamilton, 34, celeb spawn: Ashley, a dude, is listed as an actor by ABC, but a role in Beethonven's 2nd doesn't really count, does it? Instead, he's more famous for being the son of George "LOOK AT MY TEETH" Hamiltan, and that's never a good sign. What, were the children of real celebrities too busy? Ashley is out early.
Melissa Joan Hart, 33, Sabrina the Teenage Witch: This is the feel good story of the casting announcement. Hart, best known as the child actress that starred in Clarissa Explains it All and Sabrina the Teenage Witch (both of which weren't that bad at all), has been pining to get on DWTS for some time now, and frankly, we're glad she finally made it. We don't know if she can boogie or not, but we're taking her confidence as a sign that she can. Plus, America loves to root for former child stars who haven't held up liquor stores. Top three.
Mark Dacascos, 45, actor/butt-kicker: Who? You probably said the same thing about Gilles Marini last edition, but he charmed the judges to a second-place finish. Mark, an actor and martial-arts expert clearly has the agility to cha cha and foxtrot if he can break a board six feet in the air with his pinky toe. His anonymity (he's best known as the host of Iron Chef America) will be his biggest obstacle, but as a handsome man appealing to the older crowd, it shouldn't be that much a problem. Top half finisher.
Michael Irvin, 43, former NFL player/lawbreaker: Irvin has somehow managed to keep his career intact despite being involved in cocaine possession, an assault, a false sexual assault allegation, and more drug charges. That's the benefit of being one of the most beloved Dallas Cowboys of all time. He has a long way to go to match his former teammate Emmitt Smith, who won DWTS in 2006, but he won't make a fool out of himself. Middle of the pack.
Kathy Ireland, 46, model/Kmart sock maker: Back when the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue really meant something, Kathy ruled late-night-under-the-covers-with-a-flashlight entertainment. Since retiring from showing the goods, she's moved onto making goods and is now raking in more money than she ever did as a model. With her nose in the ledgers instead of strutting around white sandy beaches, we're guessing she's lost a step and think she'll be the first model knocked out. Lower half.
Macy Gray, 41, singer/cigarette-smoker: The raspy-voiced Macy was destined to be the voice of a generation, but never really held onto that mantle. After bursting onto the scene in 1999, she took to celebrity splendidly, allegedly getting her drink on, your drink on, our drink on, and everyone else's drink on a few too many times. Allegedly. But hey, that's what real stars do. Anyhoo, Gray was never an overall performer, opting to use her kick-ass voice and an outlandish wardrobe in lieu of dancing around on stage. Bottom half for Macy.
Chuck Liddell, 39, femur snapper: Liddell is one of the most feared mixed-martial artists in the world today, so we won't question his decision to be on DWTS, really man, it's cool. If that's your thing, sweet. Seriously. If you want to retire from beating men to an inch from death and do the Charleston instead, okay. Whatever. go for it. Want an extra lime in your raspberry vodka Cosmo? But please don't get angry when we say: bottom half.
Natalie Coughlin, 26, Olympic swimmer: America loves Olympians. Those who don't are shot out of a red-white-and-blue cannon at 200 mph into a brick wall adorned with a hammer and sickle. Natalie is our female Michael Phelps (who was also no doubt asked to join this season's DWTS), and to say she will finish anywhere out of the top five is grounds for treason. So Mr. President Obama, hear our prediction: she will finish in the top five! ...and the hooooome of the braaaave.
Aaron Carter, 21, teen heartthrob: According to women who shop at Forever 21, Aaron is quite the stud muffin. We're guessing he's at the point in his career where he needs to make up his mind whether he wants to be a serious artist or another Corey Haim. Clearly the kid can dance up a storm that pleases the babysat, but we have to unreasonably dock points for being romantically linked to Paris Hilton AND Lindsay Lohan. Top five.
Louie Vito, 21, snowboarder: Shaun White is pretty much the only household name in snowboarding, so Vito is a complete mystery to us. Let's just say he'll be "middle of the pack." That sounds like a safe bet.
Kelly Osbourne, 24, who knows: Celeb-spawn number two in the competition at least has a cool dad. But really, Kelly Osbourne? Is this a joke? Did someone lose a bet? Kelly isn't going to attract any particular audience, so her inclusion is a bit bizarre for a show that can somewhat be called respectable. Has DWTS become the new Hollywood Squares? Second to last.
Donny Osmond, 51, singy-song guy: Donny isn't exactly what we would call relevant, but he does have show business in his blood. As one of the youngest members of the Osmonds, Donny will always be the little square who has tried to do anything he can to shake his image. His sis appeared on DWTS and rallied to a third-place finish despite fainting, a family death, and low scores. Donny won't be so lucky. Right smack dab in the middle.
Tom DeLay, 62, election rigger: ABC killed two birds with one stone with DeLay: controversial figure and token old guy. The former Republican House Majority Leader was indicted on charges of breaking campaign finance laws, and he was born before 1950. Nice one ABC, we say as we wipe sarcasm off our brow. This is the most jaw-dropping decision of all the contestants, and the politician finally gets our vote... for most likely to be booed off stage. Dead last (we hope).