Buffy fans, get ready to feel OLD. This week's installment of WE'LL WATCH IT FOR YOU presents an awful movie in which Charisma Carpenter (Cordelia!) appears as the mother of a COLLEGE STUDENT. Oh, the days they are rushing by.
The last two installments of this column recapped movies with, limited appeal at best, but we all know that Joss Whedon fans are legion. Plus Charisma Carpenter is the kind of actress that both men and women can agree upon: YES. So there's a distinct possibility that many of you were tricked into watching this thing. I am sorry, you guys. But for the rest of you, here's a recap of what you missed (nothing, but still):
All you need to know about Deadly Sibling Rivalry is that it was filmed last weekend for a budget of $10. This was not a good film!
It all began with a flashback depicting a man just trying to enjoy a nice day of rock climbing with his bickering twin daughters. We've all been there. But then things took a turn for the TRAGIC.
Meet Janna, an uptight professional woman nursing a lifetime of guilt over her father's accidental death. It's amazing she's been able to not only own a successful magazine but also achieve the very coveted honor of appearing on the cover of Publishing Weekly!
Now meet her diabolical twin sister Callie, a professional grifter and no-good hussy.
Callie had gotten mixed up with the law and decided to go chill at the family's cabin for the weekend. But whoops! That's where Janna was hanging out for the weekend also!
Callie was harboring a lifetime of resentment toward Janna for having been successful in life, and Janna thought that Callie was a loser. Although Janna DID look wistfully at Callie's be-stickered suitcase (Quick question: What?), and we could tell she was slightly jealous of her sister's world travels and wild life.
Anyway, Janna had a college-aged daughter named Fiona, and she was dating a dude with a shaky American accent who liked to ride motorcycles and get wrist tattoos and use cool Dutch angles in his photography.
He was bummed because Fiona's mom didn't approve of him for whatever reason. Also I'm guessing the actor was supposed to be hunky, but he sort of looked like he had adult-onset Fetal Alcohol Syndrome? I wouldn't approve of that either, that's worrisome.
So then the two twin ladies met up with a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills! Hey Kyle!
Kyle's character's name was Tricia and she was Callie's troublemaking frenemy. Apparently they'd gotten mixed up in some kind of illegal shenanigans and were both on the run? Not sure.
Later Janna and her daughter managed to squeeze in some valuable bonding time by singing some random song to each other for no reason.
That's when Callie got a frantic text message from Tricia. The cops were hot on her trail! Callie had to put a plan into action, and it was a genius plan that unfolded perfectly the next morning, when Janna was bidding bon voyage to her daughter.
That's right, Callie caused an intentional car accident in which one of the twins wound up in a coma! But which one? Good thing Janna was wearing a conservative scarf, otherwise we would never have known! Neither would the doctors, police, paramedics, or daughter!
At the hospital, the Lifetime-mandated hunky doctor was weirdly upbeat about Janna's lack of injuries even though her COMATOSE SISTER was lying in the bed three feet away. Just a very cool, very sensitive bedside manner. "Marry me, Doctor!" —Lifetime viewers.
So yeah, "Aunt Callie" was now in a coma and "Janna" was alive and well and had started to suddenly behave like Callie and also she had forgotten everything about her own home? Plausible!
Fiona was allegedly in college, but there was a pretty good chance that it was less a college and more just a facility for the mentally incompetent, because WHAT? She couldn't tell the difference between her own mother and some floozy? I mean, identical DNA or not, when you're 56 (or however old these characters are), you've generally developed at least a few physical differences, you know? #science
Anyway, it wasn't long before Tricia came a lookin' for that be-stickered suitcase.
"Janna" pretended not to know anything and shooed her away. Then she walked into the bathroom and DROPPED A BOMBSHELL on us.
Janna was actually CALLIE. WHOA, my mind, it's blown, it's as though my mind was like a dandelion and THIS MOVIE blew on it. What OTHER M. Night Shyamalan-esque twists did Deadly Sibling Rivalry have in store for us??
Anyway, Callie's genius scam basically lasted for only a few minutes, because Tricia was onto her almost immediately.
Meanwhile, Fiona showed up to visit her "aunt" and for some reason began to sing the song she'd sung with her mother earlier. But then guess what? The woman in a coma HUMMED it back to her. DUN DUN DUN.
Later, Callie decided to pay Tricia a little visit.
Goodnight, you raspy rascal!
While Callie was off murderin' witnesses, Fiona decided to take matters into her own hands. We were then treated to a scene with more suspense than every Hitchcock film COMBINED.
PHEW! That was close!! But now we knew why Callie was on the run and why Tricia wanted that suitcase. So many stolen pharmaceuticals! Like at least $300 worth!
The next day, things got pretty interesting at the world's most bustling hospital.
After her evil twin-induced seizure scare, Janna suddenly woke up. Backfire! Except, obviously she had amnesia so she couldn't immediately verify her own identity. This movie was NOT ABOUT to be over! So Fiona decided to just go ahead and expose her evil aunt to the detective.
Whoops, Fiona had a bit of egg on her face after that one! Nice try, Fiona. Too bad there were exactly zero other ways to prove your case. Identical twin identity theft is as airtight a crime as they come. That's why it's called the Perfect Crime. Oh well. That's life!
But that's when Evil Aunt Callie decided to come clean to her niece. To Callie's credit, she made a pretty convincing case for Fiona to simply accept her as a newer, cooler version of her mom. Who WOULDN'T want a mother who'd attempted to murder your real mother, stolen her identity, and promised to give you a cut of her assets? It's a dream scenario, really.
Better luck next time, Callie. Except, whoops, Callie's feelings were hurt. And you did NOT want to hurt that lady's feelings.
Fiona's boyfriend bravely took the fall. That SEEMED like a nice thing to do, but I could see the logic—jail just seemed like a cooler place to be than this particular scenario.
Oh, Callie. This seemed like a particularly rude thing to do. Janna had worked so hard for that magazine!
Fiona needed her mom to remember herself, so she spirited her out of the hospital (under the reluctant yet empathetic gaze of the hunky physician) and motorcycled her out into the mountains for a refresher course.
But UH-OH! Callie showed up with a SHOTGUN and NO patience.
(Confused sigh). So, while running away from Callie, Fiona ran directly off a cliff. Her mom left her there and ran to grab some rappelling equipment from an old barn. There, upon discovering the tampered-with equipment that had killed her father, she suddenly had flashbacks of the auto accident where Callie explicitly TOLD her about having murdered him. Cool flashback!
Because crazy stalkers ALWAYS die the first time you put them down, Janna turned her back on her sister the killer and proceeded to run outside and precariously hang herself from a rope over the side of a cliff. At least she wasn't very vulnerable.
Whoops, Callie was still alive! (Twist?)
Well, Callie gave it her best shot, she really did. Some plans just don't work out, no matter how genius they are. At least she left behind a NICE headshot.
As for Janna and her daughter, well, it looked like things were going to turn out well for them after all. Against all odds, you know?
There you have it, a terrible Lifetime Original Movie. Good thing WE WATCHED IT FOR YOU!
... Have identical twins ever NOT stolen each other's identities?
.... Which Real Housewife should be in the next Lifetime Original Movie?
... Was Charisma Carpenter's makeup artist super mad at her during this shoot, or did he or she just sleep late every day?
... What should we watch for you next?? Suggestions are welcome!