After the summer television drought, these past few weeks have been, by comparison, a lot like that scene in A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child where Freddy Krueger murders a lady by force-feeding her too much food. Or, I guess because we're talking about TV, maybe it's actually more like the scene in A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors where Freddy Krueger turns into a television and rams a lady's head into the screen? I don't know. What I'm trying to say is, we live in dangerous times. There is too much on TV now!
That's why we at TV.com would like to lighten your burden by filling you in on the items you may have missed while you were off watching GOOD shows. So here's the latest installment of WE WATCHED IT FOR YOU, featuring an extremely terrible Syfy Original Movie!
Morlocks was made earlier this morning for a budget of 45 skee-ball coupons and a piece of pizza. It's basically Stargate meets Aliens meets, I don't know, an N64 game? The titular creature is named for the beasts in H.G. Wells' Time Machine, but don't worry, this movie has no connection to that book, literature of any kind, or anything that could remotely be called entertaining.
The story began with a group of U.S. soldiers exploring a mysterious, futuristic wasteland.
The soldiers were NOT doing a good job at paying attention and pretty soon they found themselves under attack by terrible creatures that sort of looked like if a Great Dane got it on with a diseased gecko.
One of the lady soldiers did what anyone would do in this scenario: She jumped into the jeep, activated a wormhole and drove through it!
Upon arriving back in present day at some military base, she realized one of the creatures had pickpocketed the wormhole key from her! So right then and there we knew these creatures were pretty shady.
Somewhere else, this dude, who I guess was in one of those Stargate shows, recreated the opening scene from the Stargate MOVIE where the main science guy gets scoffed at for his unconventional beliefs about science or whatever. In this case he was at a book signing that was attended by six people, and most of them were there to disagree with him.
Poor writer dude! I never once learned his name, but honestly, it's not important. All you need to know is he made faces like this most of the time.
After that DISASTER of a book signing, guess who was waiting for him in the parking garage? The U.S. Government! They needed his help and junk.
Oh, also the government lady was his ex-wife, so that's more personal right there.
For some reason he was reluctant to get involved, but, you know, what else did he have going on?
They flew to a very real-looking army base just outside of, I don't know, North Hollywood?
At this point we learned that the author dude sort of invented time travel but then got fired, and the government perfected his research but then ran into problems so now they needed his help. The same thing happened to me and Arby's, but I was like, "You fired ME. Learn to mix the sauces on your own."
This dude from
Deep Space 9 (whoops!) Star Trek: Voyager was just hella shady right off the bat. You could tell they had a history because the main guy did NOT trust him. I didn't trust him either! Most of his career has been spent playing HOLOGRAMS. Yeah right, hologram dude.
Things suddenly got weird when The Rip randomly opened and some Morlocks scrambled out acting like fools.
Then this happened:
We've all been here, right?
Anyway, so it turned out the Voyager guy's son had cancer, which you could tell by looking at this official medical chart:
OMG the "cancer cells growing status" is RISING! I wonder if this will come into play later, or if it's just a small detail meant to humanize a misunderstood man?
So anyway, in order to stop The Rip from opening all the time and spewing forth Morlocks, a team of armed mercenaries was sent through the wormhole to go get the device to shut the wormhole. It was like a garage opener for wormholes, basically.
The super unqualified author dude led the charge, because what trained soldier WOULDN'T want to follow him into a dangerous wasteland?
Some truly appalling CGI came out and yelled at everybody. Luckily the soldiers got some unexpected help!
Turns out these soldiers had gotten lost in the first attempt to travel through time and were now just chillin' in the future with nothing to do but use green netting to blend in with gray rubble.
Back at the base, the lady doctor finally discovered what the dastardly general was up to: Because the Morlocks tested positive for being humans of the future (or something), the general wanted some of their DNA to cure his son's cancer. (I don't know either.)
The scientist was so bummed, like "Maybe I can get my job back at the library?"
In the future, all the soldiers decided to just split up in order to investigate an abandoned underground sewer system or whatever. A perfect plan, basically.
This lady showed up, mostly because she got pushed through the wormhole by the evil general. I'm guessing. (I may have fallen asleep for about 45 minutes in here somewhere.)
Meanwhile over in the bone den, one of the soldiers finally found the key to The Rip.
And he also found TROUBLE!
Anyway, after an insanely suspense-free CGI gun battle, the remaining characters ran into an elevator and opened the wormhole from within.
The main dude was disappointed because he was hoping they'd die? Not sure. At the very least he seemed pretty stoked that they accidentally brought a Morlock back with them, but then again who wouldn't be?
That's when he told the author dude about his plan to cure cancer, etc. What a weird plotline this was!
Meanwhile in the lab, the captured Morlock was getting some much-needed sleep (I was VERY jealous).
I don't need to tell you this since it's obvious to everybody, but the Morlock woke up and ate the scientist, then re-opened the wormhole so that tons of his friends could come party.
This computer guy was like, "Um, maybe we should kill all the Morlocks like it says to in the Monster Invasion Guidebook," and the Voyager guy was all:
The heroes came up with this incredible plan to destroy the wormhole by throwing a bomb into it. Makes sense to me! Luckily this solder guy decided to go out with a bang:
Aw, R.I.P. solder dude. You too, hovering CGI things.
Because the exploded wormhole caused a chain reaction to destroy the whole base, our heroes had to run outside where everything looked like hand-drawn garbage.
I admired this Morlock's spunk for downing an entire helicopter. Credit where credit's due! I will probably never be able to accomplish that in my lifetime.
After jumping into a cartoon tank, the author dude became all badass and drove everybody through a wall and then up a mountain?
Also he and the lady were totally together again. I am glad that the day's events helped them rekindle their romance!
But meanwhile, Morlocks wasn't finished yet! Hey let's check in on the heretofore unseen son-with-cancer.
This seemed like a pretty good idea to me. I was really hoping this young man would be able to battle his illness and go on to live a happy and healthy life.
Oh no, it was not a good idea! We've just created the very creatures we'll be destroyed by! Circle of Life! Hakuna Matata!
Phew! Thank gosh that's over. Oh well, it's all in a day's work when... WE WATCH IT FOR YOU!
... How sad are you that you missed this thing?
... Do you think that mankind shouldn't be so cavalier about playing God?
... Do you wish that more movie monsters looked like draft-rendered video game creatures?
... What is your favorite A Nightmare on Elm Street sequel?