We Watched It For You: Rage of the Yeti, a Syfy Original Movie

We're right in the thick of November sweeps, which means that most, if not ALL SHOWS are airing RIGHT THIS SECOND. How on earth can a human being be expected to stay on top of everything? Relax, you can't. Nobody can. We didn't choose this life. This life chose US. Fortunately, we're in this together, guy. We at TV.com want to help you lighten your burden by filling you in on the items you may have missed while you were off watching GOOD shows. So here's the latest installment of "We Watched It For You," featuring Syfy's most recent "original" "movie"!

Rage of the Yeti was made last Friday afternoon by a couple of interns at Industrial Light & Magic as a gag gift for their supervisor, Ron. Ron had a good laugh, tossed the DVD-R onto a pile of burning cash, and they all went out for Zimas. What I'm trying to say is, Rage of the Yeti is not a very good movie. However, it's easily twice as good as Morlocks, the last Syfy Original I watched for you. Both films feature the talents of Syfy mainstay David Hewlett, but he directed this one as opposed to simply starring/grimacing like he did in Morlocks. Rage of the Yeti actually stars David Chokachi, whose biggest role prior to this was probably Baywatch. Because I spent most if not all of the late '90s as a gay teen, I can attest that Cody Madison was probably one of TV's greatest characters of all time and might have actually turned me gay? Not sure, I'll get back to you on that. Oh but also! Hey look it's Yancy Butler, which made this flick a bit of a Witchblade reunion! (And because I know you're gonna ask, no, this classic scene was not recreated in Rage of the Yeti.)

So anyway, the story began in medias yeti (filmmaking term) with some people in parkas who were already being hassled by Yeti.

So, the Yeti CGI was probably about as impressive as a Geocities animated .gif. The creatures themselves resembled a cross between the Cloverfield monster and, I don't know, Magilla Gorilla? A big deal was made about how their fur could turn them invisible, but it was usually hard to miss the floating cartoons lurking in the distance.

Yancy Butler was one tough cookie. Which was not to say she had the keenest instincts. Also a couple of times I closed my eyes and she sounded like Anne Ramsey from The Goonies. (Maybe quit smoking, YB? Can I call you YB? Oookay sorry.) WHOA WATCH OUT!

So yeah, it was a bad day out on the tundra. Meanwhile, a HORRIBLE, spinning CGI globe magically whisked us to Europe for some reason!

Meet our two heroes, David Chokachi and Other Dude! They were basically spies-for-hire or something. They stole art on behalf of billionaires, and also occasionally busted into zoos and shot tigers. I don't know.

Fortunately, the dudes were in the employ of the RICHEST MAN ALIVE. And the richest man alive gets what he wants, including the cell phone numbers of faceless goons.

So yeah, luckily, unseen rich benefactor dude got these two out of their standoff, and recruited them for an Arctic recovery mission.

Meanwhile back in the Canadian wastelands, the remaining survivors spotted a rescue plane, but the people in it were NOT as nice as they looked.

Haha "giant book." Ladies and gentleman, he's referring to the Codex, an ancient Chinese zoology textbook that contains information about Yeti. Or something. I'm not sure. It was made of parchment and the cover was Bedazzled, it looked like Cleopatra's Diary or something. So yeah, these people had bad intentions, but fortunately this happened immediately:

Yetis are such rascals!

This was pretty cool:

But then WHOOPS! Dude got too cocky:

Anyway, somewhere the rich dude had assembled his rescue team. I'm not even really sure what this scene was about. It had something to do with the enormous fiberglass gun David Chokachi was carrying around with him.

WHAT? They just showed him some internet video of a portly dude on a green-screened beach firing the gun and falling on the ground while bikini babes looked on. If someone EVER hands me a phone and this video comes on, I'm just going to drop the phone directly into a mud puddle. To this guy's credit, there probably wasn't a mud puddle on the cargo plane, so whatever.

Oh, shh be quiet. It was director David Hewlett's big scene!

So yeah. I mean, not like it's important, but that frozen shipwreck in the first scene was a British research vessel that was carrying Yeti and a book about Yeti. This incredibly rich dude wanted the book about Yeti. That's basically it. There were jokes mixed in here too, I think.

At this point I forgot which country the characters were supposed to be in. Minneapolis?

Yancy Butler killed this Yeti with the ol' kick down a support beam and allow ceiling rocks (?) to crush it trick. The oldest trick in the book, basically!

Outside, David Chokachi and his team parachuted in and immediately got to investigating where the rescuees were. So, not to sound like a jerk, but most of the first hour of this movie was unwatchable. It was basically just this:

For an hour! I mean, cool, that stage looked expensive. Show it off. Cover it in CGI snowfall, whatever. But these actors must've shouted themselves hoarse in ADR. I'm not even sure their physical parts weren't played by hired laborers. Oh well, at least they had the decency to color-coordinate their outfits like the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers once did. Good enough.

Things were NOT looking good for the former team.

Is now a good time to mention that David Chokachi was genuinely good in this thing? The script actually had a number of pretty funny pieces of dialogue and David Chokachi got to say basically all of them. This isn't just late '90s speedo nostalgia talking, he was actually really funny in this! Chairman Hollywood, please employ this guy way more often.

Anyway, because this was an 80-minute movie without any real structure, there were a number of sequences of just people walking around and then getting attacked.

That about sums up most of the outdoor section, which was most of the movie. Also, did I mention it was mostly just shouting over deafening Arctic winds and frequently whited-out visuals? Very pleasant!

FINALLY the rescue mission met up with the previous crew (minus the dozen or so people who'd been dragged to their doom). It was time for everyone to share meals, unwind, warm up, and also get some more exposition going. Specifically, were Yeti more like polar bears or gorillas?

Upon hearing that there were actual live Yeti roaming the area, the rich dude reacted like any rich dude would while sitting on a CGI beach.

Again, because the WHOLE movie couldn't consist of running around in snow, there was this weird subplot where they decided to CATCH a Yeti? Good plan. A perfect plan, basically. I mean, they'd get paid, but still.

These faces said it all.

In other news, two of the people were working for the same evil organization that'd sent the evil plane earlier.

David Chokachi and his life partner started putting their plan into gear, which included building a tranquilizer gun from scratch. Most good plans involve building tranquilizer guns from scratch, so it wasn't surprising.

AND THEN it was GO TIME!

The whole thing was a disaster, and not just because THREE of the dudes abandoned this blonde lady so that they could steal the big old book and ride off on snowmobiles. Also this happened:

Poor blonde lady!

Anyway, the three traitors ran out of gas and decided to go scope out some mysterious snow formations.

In a sobering bit of tragedy, one of the dudes found his wife, who'd gone missing in an earlier scene. She'd basically just walked off, which, fair enough.

And then the Yeti came back! Because they lived there. These were their houses. That they lived in. Ignore the tiny doors, just trust me.

ANYWAYS, the three traitors got ate up. But because the bloody blonde lady had a punctured lung, David Chokachi and his buddy had to go after the the traitors to find the First Aid kit the traitors had stolen, and suddenly THEY TOO were chillin' in the Yeti village.

But just when they were about to become overtaken by tons of Yeti, they had a quick 'n terrible idea.

Oh, what lovable troublemakers! Avalanches are the coolest!

So then the rich dude sent a CGI helicopter to come rescue our heroes. Unfortunately things did not go according to plan.

So it was definitely Plan B time. It involved Yancy Butler running out and retrieving the crashed helicopter's battery and inserting it into a snow tractor. WHAT? Nevermind. That's what she did. Forget about it. She did it though.

But even the most perfect Plan B's don't always work out.

Time for PLAN C!

So yeah, they killed all of the Yeti! Chalk up another one for the human race!

But oh no, why was the ice suddenly shaking and cracking??

Oh, it was David Hewlett with his brand-new submarine. By the way, that's totally the coolest trick, telling your friends to meet you on some Arctic ice and then busting up through that ice with your submarine. Just a good, safe entrance that your friends will appreciate. And believe me, they were having a BLAST:

They'd survived the Yeti onslaught, they'd saved Cleopatra's Diary, they'd un-punctured the blonde lady's lung, and most importantly, David Chokachi charmed his way back into America's hearts! Congratulations all around!

Except for me, I'm gonna go lie down. I need to rest up for the next time... WE WATCH IT FOR YOU!

QUESTIONS:

... Do you think the Yeti were just misunderstood?

... Who was your favorite male cast member from Baywatch?

... Couldn't you just watch a whole SERIES of movies about this relic-stealing duo and their billionaire bestie?

... [Indecipherable shouting over icy winds]?

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mr. Peterson, you are the most patient human alive =)

Thank you a lot for this lolest recap of such a weird movie about animated gif attacking people
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Thank you. I usually watch these movies and laugh. Yes, I like to watch them and be a Mystery Science Theater 3000 person on my couch, making snide or sarcastic comments to entertain myself, and anyone else around. This one looked like a keeper, but now, I'm glad I missed it. Thanks for taking one for the team.
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David Hewlett was the best part of the film, his quirky Billionaire persona was great, just buying stuff left and right... I liked how he was just chilling out in a formal club wearing casual clothes and when confronted about it he said he just bought the place and changed the dress code. THen just showing up in a new sub at the end.



The film was campy, and didn't take itself seriously... which I liked and respected. As opposed to the Time Machine film they recently did where they tried to take themselves seriously AND at the same time were even more lame than this.



I can tolerate cheese-fests where the actors telegraph it in that they know it's silly...



A lot more than I can tolerate something trying to be serious and has low quality.
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Thanks so much for watching it for me so that I don't have to. LOL!
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haha! copy-paste.. so sorry I missed this one. :p
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Thank you for posting this on a week without photorecaps of TVD or TSC!! GIFs of rascally Yetis are almost as good as GIFs of Smolderhalders facial contortions. My heart is content.
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yancy butler and guy from sg;Atlantis. thats about all i like for this movie. which i did not watch
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The Yeti just wanted a friend. A goddamn friend. Not to be blasted in the face with a shotgun, that's never any fun!
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Staff
I agree. This was basically the saddest movie ever made about friendship.
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the review seems far more entertaining than the movie. Nice meme filled review. kthxbye
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Loved this. This was better then the movieby far. Wrote Hewlett I hated it and it doesn't show up on his facebook. He won't let anything neg. said about him. He is really big on himself.
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ZOMG Dude! This is the best U watched it so I didn't have to melt my brain yet! Seriously hilarious recap. You write better than a lot of hacks in H-wood and Oh Canada do.



I laughed hard in quite a few places. The cat gave me THE DIRTIEST LOOK ever. I think she may have bad CGI Yeti DNA in there or something.



Wow what a pile of dung this sounds like it was. And people paid money to make it AND sold it to advertisers. Boogles the mind. And here all this time I thought Rodney McKay was a douche. Turns out it was David Hewlett all along.
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Staff
Cats HATE IT when we make fun of CGI yeti, you're so right.
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I mostly watch these syfy original movies for the facial expressions on the actors faces. the youngs one look very determined and happy, but the older vetern actors always look like theyre thinking "is this what my acting career has been reduced to?"
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JONAS ARMSTRONG!!! I see you Jonas Armstrong!! You def traded down from Robin Hood to syfy goon #2!!!
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The man's gotta pay bills. Hell, remember Amy Acker in "Fire & Ice" and Charisma Carpenter in "House of Bones", anyone? Those were the days.
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another crappy movie surprised it wasn't made by uwe bowle sp?
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God I can't believe just how horrific the CGI is. Why even bother making these movies if you're going to just throw a bunch of money down the toilet. At least put some money into the CGI so they aren't a complete joke.
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It really makes you wish they could/would do stop-action, Ray Harryhausen type creatures. Then again, they would likely screw that up into play-doh blobs and would take longer to produce.
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haha i love these recaps especially all the yeti/morlock photo-captions - they're hilarious
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what a awesome recap, you should get pay for doing recaps like this lol





does baywatch hawaii count?
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Staff
Thanks! Don't worry, I do. And yes Baywatch Hawaii counts (Michael Bergin, obvs)
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SyFy ruins what can sometimes be good ideas, if not actually ripping off others, by doing the same movies they always do:



Let's put people in leather outfits and armed with swords, bows, and clubs for defense to track down, or be tracked down by, some creature in a forest, snow, or desert until one or two are left after being picked off one by one.



Oh wait! Lets mix it up by making it modern day and put people in jeans and flannel shirts armed with various guns. Instead of horse, they can ride cars and trucks too!



Every creature is insubstantially done with bad CGI in only black, brown, green, white, and gray blobs with no real textures that can often move too ridiculously fast or even float on the screen.



Wash - Rinse - Repeat.



After a short while, it's not fun or funny anymore and becomes a constant reminder of wasted potential.







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Staff
There were some really noticable repeated ideas from Morlocks. Both films featured actors getting doused with an insane amount of blood. Also both movies featured a monster jumping onto a helicopter and crashing it.
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@mermayd Pamela Anderson and jasmine blech (ok not how you spell it) but there was no "best" member it's like best dog turd in the park. That being said I'm glad SyFy brock the bank on this (and they are bankrupt after some of their other stoomers I'm sure). Cause this pic break down was epic
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We all know that when we see the words "Original Movie" used to advertise a Syfy channel flick, its going to suck. It's always the same: hack scripts, lousy acting, and even worse special effects. It's one thing to do low budget movies, but deliberately bad and boring ones? Even so, like an idiot, I caught the last part of this one. The poorly animated beast looked like a cartoon character superimposed OVER the action, like a 1970s weatherman pointing at a blue screen. As Granny Clampett would say, "Just pitiful, Jed."
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This film looks like it is going to be right up there with the great Alien versus Predator. A must see if ever there was one.



Favourite male cast member from Baywatch: I am struggling to remember anyone other than the Hoff. which renders the question unanswerable.
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The only good thing about sci-fi movies are these recaps
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quite the recap I like it!
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Wow! Look what Mr. Hewlett just tweeted!



It's highly possible that the best part of #RageOfTheYeti is @pricepeterson Watching it For you! http://www.tv.com/news/we-watched-it-for-you-rage-of-the-yeti-a-syfy-original-movie-27209/?tag=hotspot;gumball;1 Sheer Genius!
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Staff
He seems like a genuinely awesome guy. I may not have made this clear, but this is the best Syfy movie I've ever seen. Not only were there some really funny lines, but a few sequences even had genuinely cool camera work. Credit where credit's due. I mean, it was terrible, but never boring, and that's a huge accomplishment for Syfy.
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Your photo-recap is the best man! I feel confident now to tell Mr. Hewlett I watched his film LMAO!!! Anyway he has to pay his mortgage like everybody else and apparently he had lots of fun doing it... so all is good! LOL!

And as Britta would say: "Yetis were just defending their territory!" ROFL!
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From your snarky photo-recap, I am definitely, completely, positively sure this is an awful, awful, awful, awful movie. But awesome recap. Really. LMAO.
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This film looks like the worst ever, but then, aren't they all! Liking the re-cap though, as always. How do the execs at Sci-fi still think that these "movies" are a good idea? Do they only watch network TV and not their own station?



Ceiling rocks, LOL.



Anyone else notice that the half CGI cargo plane showed a passing resemblance to the puddle jumpers from Stargate: Atlantis? I wonder what made Hewlett think to do that?!?
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I'm just glad they portrayed the beauty of Canada so accurately. About 95% of our country looks like this and they really nailed it. This movie brought back fond memories of going Polar Bear hunting with my grandfather, and at night around the campfire being told about the legend of the yeti. We were pretty sure we saw one once, but we were fairly drunk so it could have just been a really pissed off Polar Bear. (sigh) Good times.
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Was there a large green screen in the area? If so, good chance it WAS a Yeti.
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Is it bad that I didn't realise there were multiple yeti's till about half-way through, I just kept on thinking "damn, this yeti is indestructible" but no...there are just a LOT of them. hahaha great recap.
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Staff
I did not realize this at first either. I think they just REALLY didn't want to have to animate 2 yetis in one shot.
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"the ol' kick down a support beam and allow ceiling rocks (?) to crush it trick."



Priceless.
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That and copy-paste about killed me.
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that one guy is the guy from BBC's Robin Hood right? you know the one that was completely ruined because they had the balls to KILL off Marian and Robin Hood? yeah that one. that's him right? sucks for him.



it's funny that the "yeti" looks more like a small white furry version of the Cloverfield monster lol
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Ya, that's him. I almost cried when I saw that he was in this. At least they knew when to cancel it before it got too ridic for words. No way was that randomly discovered brother gonna carry the show as Robin 2.0.
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