The best part of free will is that its possibilities are nearly endless! ANY of us could devote our time, energy, and attention to doing good and wonderful things for ourselves and others! We could learn carpentry, we could fund-raise for non-profits, we could feed a starving newborn deer with a baby bottle while also teaching a child to read. All it takes is a little bit of elbow grease, a can-do spirit, and the total avoidance of Syfy Saturday nights. Because let's face it, very few things suck the will to live right out of us faster than a Syfy Original Movie. Fortunately my brain is as broken as my spirit and I left my positive mental attitude on the bus a few years back. In other words, rather than YOU wasting two hours of time and shaving weeks off your lives, I went ahead and watched the most recent Syfy Original movie for you!
Bigfoot tells the tale of a fearsome creature with large feet. That's about as much as I remember at this point. Probably the best part about Bigfoot was how it eschewed the gentle, endangered, mysterious vibe we've come to expect from the mythological creature and instead turned him into some kind of bloodthirsty GARGANTUAN King Kong-type dude. Making Bigfoot a 60-foot tall behemoth was actually a pretty good idea, in my opinion. Unfortunately it was only one of TWO good ideas that would happen during the 80-minute total run time. Spoiler alert: The second moment involved Mount Rushmore in a moment so hilarious it required TWO .gifs to illustrate.
Bigfoot opened with a sequence that revealed this movie's admirable and touching devotion to stock footage: A dragonfly was eaten by a frog, which was eaten by a fish, which was eaten by a bear, which was then SHOT by a human.
But WHOOPS! The food chain presentation wasn't quite finished yet! Because who should come along but...
So then the credits began to roll, and they included A LOT of establishing shots of some place called Deadwood, South Dakota. Seriously, over the course of the movie we got at least three dozen shots of local scenery, including every store front and gas station in town twice over.
Anyway, in case you weren't aware, this movie starred DANNY BONADUCE, as himself (basically):
FYI, this is what he looked like riding a motorcycle:
Co-starring as his primary rival was none other than GREG BRADY!
I'm not sure why he decided to wear a Michael Myers mask the whole time, but it worked. Also, this is what he looked like riding a motorized paraglider or whatever the F:
Anyway, these guys did NOT like each other. The backstory was something about how they'd once been in a rock band together and then had a falling out and one of them wanted to go solo and be a hippie while the other one wanted to be a rich robber baron? I'm honestly not sure. We were six minutes in and I was already lying on the floor staring into the void.
Oh, okay, get this: The main law enforcement characters were played by Audrey from Twin Peaks and also Senator Kelly from X-Men? And Senator Kelly even DIRECTED this? Man. Times are really tough.
But if we're being honest, the true star of this thing was the draft-resolution CGI model that played Bigfoot! His performance was nothing less than a revelation. Take, for instance, this stirring scene in which Bigfoot terrorized a deforestation operation:
Or this non-sequitur in which we learned once and for all how Bigfoot feels about RVs.
So the the primary plot (which I understand is abusing the word "plot") involved Danny Bonaduce attempting to organize a Coachella-style music festival in this town. To do that he got the mayor's permission to raze a couple dozen trees, then he claimed Sting was flying in to reunite with The Police. At THIS venue:
Hahahaha. Yup. Great music festival. Sorry Woodstock, you just got PWNED. The first musical performance? That's right, Greg Brady. As he strummed away on a guitar for his bizarre harem of underage groupies, Bigfoot was off in the hills NOT enjoying himself.
All the caterwauling left Bigfoot no choice but to take matters into his own hands:
In a truly tragic moment, Alice Cooper appeared as himself and began to perform for the two dozen attendees. Yikes! Congratulations, Alice Cooper? He's finally made it, you guys.
Anyway, at least one audience member did NOT enjoy his elderly goth shimmying.
Yeah, basically, Danny Bonaduce's concert did not go well for anybody. In retrospect it was probably for the best that Sting got snowed in at the airport. A performance of "Desert Rose" was the only thing that could make this day worse.
BUT! The recent cryptozoological-themed mass murder DID provide Greg Brady with an opportunity: He became a pro-Bigfoot activist! It was his opinion that Bigfoot was a special creature who'd been forced to kill in order to protect his habitat. I agreed with Greg Brady. Bigfoot got my vote.
Unfortunately Danny Bonaduce was like, "Let's capture Bigfoot and make a theme park like in Jurassic Park but without the catastrophe." A perfect idea basically. I didn't know who to root for anymore!
Anyway, while those dudes were yelling at each other in public, Bigfoot was not about to take a vacation. First he had to deal with some things, including this band of people who were trying to videotape Bigfoot and sell it to tabloids or whatever. (I'm guessing. My Syfy Original comprehension has never been great.)
Oh well. Let this be a lesson to you guys: If you're ever planning to row a CGI raft up a freezing river in order to film Bigfoot with a '90s-era camcorder, just be sure you're able to row SUPER fast. Also, if you're standing under Bigfoot and it looks like he's about to step on you, feel free to move two to three feet in either direction and avoid it.
Meanwhile these two were like, "Whaaaaa?"
Then at some point Bigfoot chased down an ATV and ate the driver:
Also Greg Brady gathered his underage lady minions and they attempted to tranquilize Bigfoot with some big dart. It didn't go well.
Then some CGI helicopters got involved, but the joke was on everyone when Bigfoot jumped up and KNOCKED A HELICOPTER OUT OF THE SKY. Typical Bigfoot stuff, basically.
The rampage just continued from there.
In a moment of heroism, Senator Kelly was like "F this noise" and started straight-up shooting at Bigfoot with his dinky shotgun:
Aw, rest in peace, Senator Kelly! The saddest part about his death was that in real life the actor didn't just get to take a warm, replenishing shower and then fly back to L.A. Nope, he had to stay there and DIRECT THE WHOLE MOVIE. Senator Kelly gotta eat!
Truth time: The finale of Bigfoot was basically the best. It didn't matter that I'd fallen asleep between four and seven times in the past half-hour. When you wake up to THIS sequence, you count yourself lucky.
That's right: Bigfoot climbed up on Mt. Rushmore!
Meanwhile Danny Bonaduce and Greg Brady were up there too, just wrasslin' on top of Lincoln.
Their longtime friendship was really put to the test! Would their bitter rivalry seal their respective fates or would they suddenly remember that they used to be best friends? The answer was unexpectedly poignant!
That's right, the two of them reached out for a hand from Bigfoot himself!
Fortunately the United States military didn't have time for reconciliations between old friends and cryptozoological creatures and THIS happened:
Audrey was pretty bummed to watch Danny Bonaduce, Greg Brady, Bigfoot and Abraham Lincoln's concrete face get annihilated via missile. But! Happy Ending Alert: Our heroes were immortalized forever with the perfect, most accurate and realistic looking statute possible:
Rest in peace forever, old friends! None of you will ever measure up to the beauty and grace of Bigfoot (that goes for you too, Lincoln), but I'm personally better off for having experienced this adventure with you.
So yeah, another aggressively uninspired, hecka cheap, insanely long and boring Creature Feature from Syfy. Was it worth watching? Not at all. And that's why... WE WATCHED IT FOR YOU!
... Did you agree with Greg Brady or Danny Bonaduce?
... Did you realize that Twin Peaks aired nearly a thousand years ago?
... Is Senator Kelly okay? Has anybody checked in on him recently?
... Do you think Abraham Lincoln is looking down from Heaven all proud of his involvement in the finale of Bigfoot? "That's what we fought for," he's whispering to himself?