Syfy is known for a few things: canceling actual science-fiction shows, airing the universe's only cooking show to be sold as a science-fiction show, and creating monster hybrids for its popular-ish creature features. Saturday night was all about the latter as the network's latest made-for-TV-but-not-suitable-for-anyone movie brought together two of our biggest fears: man-eating sharks and Guidos. This movie was amazing! I mean, it was better than Prometheus and it cost the same as the opening credits for Prometheus, so from a financial efficiency standpoint, Jersey Shore Shark Attack was better than Prometheus, The Avengers, and Jack and Jill COMBINED.
Ladies and gentleguidos, Jersey Shore Shark Attack!
I was doing my taxes during the beginning of the movie so I'm probably going to be a little hazy on the details, but I'm pretty sure some oil drilling broke open the earth's crust and released some sharks from hell in the opening sequence (Piranha 3-D you have my permission to sue), just more proof that we should maintain our dependency on the Middle East for oil. Think about it: Have you ever seen the Sultan of Brunei in a swimsuit? No, because he knows there be hellsharks in the center of the earth!
Still, sharks or no sharks, it's always a good time when strangers have sex in the water and expose their naked genitals to yellowish foam and discarded condoms from last year's Spring Break!
But it wasn't that random goombah's penis! It was a shark! Sharks were a strong theme in this movie.
Scary! Now that we'd established the "shark" part and the "attack" part, it was time to establish the "Jersey Shore" part and give this cinematic masterpiece a little legitimacy. And that started with an A-List celeb.
Yes! No need to do a double take or punch yourself to determine whether you're dreaming. It was the REAL Vinnie from Jersey Shore reporting for Worst News Network, and apparently this July 4th on the Sho' is gonna be tight, yo! Joey Fatone (yes that Joey Fatone) is going to perform a concert on the boardwalk, funnel cakes are half off, and there's been a 20-percent decrease in toxic waste in the water from last year. Time to do Jell-O shots 'til we choke. But first, we had to meet our heroes!
I quite enjoyed how they got to the casting of Paulie Balzac and just figured a white guy with bronzer on would be fine for the part. He was totally my favorite character in the movie, btw.
In this alternate guido-verse, the "Situation" character and the "Snooki" character had a romantic past, which probably angered a lot of Jersey Shore purists. But even the most perfect-for-each-other couples go through rough patches, and when we first met Nooki and The Complication, they had recently broken up. So The Complication got some fresh booty, duh!
It was about 15 seconds after this butt shot that 14-year-old boys who couldn't afford Cinemax stopped watching after doing what they came to do. Anyway, Nooki was swinging by and The Complication didn't want her to see him with this skank ho. But she did, and she was furious with all the power of 10 lasagna pans!
You might be tempted to read that caption in a Jamaican accent because of the way I typed it out. Sorry, I may not be blind to race, but I might be deaf to it. Needless to say The Complication and Nooki both considered their relationship status to be "It's complicated." Obviously these two are meant to be together, but honestly, I don't see it happening, guys. There are just too many problems! Sigh. I do see this fat guy getting eaten by a shark though!
Sharks 3, Guidos 0, if you're keeping score. Thankfully, the Shore didn't erupt into panic because that attack happened on the other side of the boardwalk, you know, past Luigi's Pizza Palace, but not as far down as Giovanni's Pizza Emporium. If you hit Giuseppe's Pizza Castle, you've gone too far.
Speaking of pizza, our heroes' journey began with a party! You know what they say, "Ain't no party like a Jersey Shore party because a Jersey Shore gives you genital warts!"
And then it was time to meet the rest of the gang, though this will probably be the last time I mention them.
Before the Guidos could get to the shark-killing, they had to get to the breast-wettening. It's the 4th of July weekend after all, it can't be all business! America was built on Wet-T-Shirt Contests! Before Betsy Ross sewed the U.S. flag, she was crafting white tank tops. True story. This guy was so excited that he had a stroke, right there on the spot.
Now I'm no expert on Wet-T-Shirt Contests (I've only judged four and participated in two), but I think wearing a bathing suit top underneath your white T-shirt is grounds for disqualification. Good thing those 14-year-old boys had finished up when they did, because this Wet-T-Shirt contest was about as sexy as a Sears catalog (the dishwasher section).
There were more villains than just sharks and people who don't like Wet-Bathing-Suit-Contests, though. The bro'd-out prepster is the natural arch enemy of the Guido, and as if their relationship wasn't strained enough, The Complication *ahem* complicated things a bit by entering the prepster's girlfriend in the competition.
The Complication's actions did not go unpunished, and it was fightin' time! It was about at this point that everyone began to wonder, "What happened to the shark attacks?" and I began to wonder how long this photo recap would take me if I continued at such a glacial pace.
The guy who had a stroke (J.P.) head-butted the guy who was wearing two shirts in the nads, setting up a wild chase across the Boardwalk! But J.P. still found time to bust out the cabbage patch on a Cabbage Patch Cabbage Patch Revolution game DURING the chase. Coolest thing since Ferris Bueller stopped running home to talk to those ladies who were tanning.
I change my mind, J.P. is my favorite character! I hope he lives! He didn't.
Those darned prepsters chased J.P. right into the water! But one good thing did come out of J.P.'s death: The Guidos used it as motivation to figure out exactly what sort of creature with big teeth and giant dorsal fins might be eating people in the ocean. They narrowed the possibilities down to sharks and sea turtles.
There was a really long stretch where nothing interesting happened except for the guys trying to warn the authorities, radio DJs, and prepster douchewads about the possibility of dangerous man-eating fish in the area. They could have just pointed to the water because there were absolutely zero shots of the ocean with fewer than 25 dorsal fins poking out of the water. Anyway, let's fast forward to this:
She deserves an Oscar for that face! So good.
While the guys tried to raise Shark Awareness, some really bad businessmen were drilling just off-shore to make a new, gentrified expansion of the boardwalk and threaten the delicate ecosystem of the Guido. And guess what! It was the vibrations from the drilling that were attracting the sharks because that's what the writers came up with while they were high on peyote. (That's important to know for later.)
I'm going to fast-forward through a bit more, unless you really enjoy talking about Italian food and B-stories about The Complication's dad who also happens to be the chief of police. Tension between Nooki and The Complication continued to thicken, the Guidos threw fireworks at sharks, and they also blew up the preppy's boat. There was also a pretty good protein/sperm joke in there somewhere (rhetorical question: Are there any protein/sperm jokes that aren't good?). Here's proof:
There hadn't been a shark attack in a long time, and because Syfy Law demands that a movie called Jersey Shore Shark Attack not go more than 10 minutes without a shark attack, this nameless guy was sent into the water for your enjoyment (I hope you're happy).
Speaking of insatiable monsters who can't stop eating, former N-Syncer Joey Fatone actually took time out of his busy schedule of staring out a window and burying his face into Hot Pockets to make a cameo! This was the exact moment he realized his last name could be read as "Fat One."
I'm just playin', Joey Fatone. I have to give Joey major props, because this happened and I don't want to bum you out, but everything after this paled in comparison.
Now do you believe there are sharks? In a plot ripped straight out of Jaws (which is a pretty good movie, even though it needed more Guidos to be considered "excellent"), some old fishermen caught the shark that ate Joey Fatone and the people in charge of the beach deemed the Jersey Shore safe for July 4th. It wasn't, though, because there were still 30 minutes and like 300 sharks left. So that negligence led to this comedy of errors:
And then this happened (nominee, Best Shark Attack at the Jersey Shore Shark Attack Awards):
Now that the shark was out of the bag, all of the Shore was in a panic and it was up to the Guidos to save everyone's abs and kill all the ab-eating sharks! We're America! We can't let the Chinese catch up to us in abs-per-capita!
So the Guidos grabbed a bunch of guns from the police-chief dad's office and hit the water to find some sharks for some good old fashioned sharkocide. I should probably also mention that a heart-broken Nooki took the preppy guy's invitation to go yachting and that she was in danger (from sharks and roofies), but if that's what you came here for then I feel sorry for you. Oh and turned out that The Complication didn't actually hook up with that chick in the beginning and it was all a misunderstanding, so all you 'shippers can rest easy because it looked like The Complinooki was still going to be a thing.
Meanwhile, Vinnie was still doing news reports for WNN:
Over on the preppy boat, the party was just getting started. (The man-eating shark party, that is.)
Add your own coconut shell sound effects to this one:
The Complication ended up saving everyone's life. Well, everyone who wasn't eaten by a shark. He also told Nooki that he didn't hook up with that clap trap because he passed out, and that he technically didn't cheat on her even though they were broken up (I don't make the Guido-Guidette relationship rules). And now that we definitely knew that the sharks were bad and there wasn't any more confusion about their existence, everyone started shooting at sharks! It wasn't really a fair fight, which is the American way and a perfect way to honor the country on the 4th of July.
We (humans) basically kicked the crap out of the sharks and the day was saved! But then this bitch came along and ruined everything.
The Complication's dad jumped in to the water to save her stupid ass, and so it was up to The Complication to save his ass. Since everyone was out of ammo, he used the magic harpoon he grabbed from a bar and took an impossible shot.
Finally The Complication's dad could no longer hold the "You never saved my life!" line over The Complication's head. But things still weren't safe as long as the drilling continued. So The Complication ran over to the drilling machine and shut it off, cementing his status as Savior of the Shore. However, nobody mentioned that they could have done that in the first place and avoided all this trouble altogether.
And that was Jersey Shore Shark Attack, essentially. The preppies and the Guidos actually teamed up against the sharks, the businessmen were crushed by a Ferris wheel, and some of the sharks remained alive for those of you hoping for a sequel.
I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to watch Jersey Shore Shark Attack now to really understand the nuances of its narrative and themes. But before you run off to the video store (where you can't find this movie), you should know it's not over! Because what about Vinnie?
Enjoy eating that pizza pie in the sky, Vinnie!