We Watched It For You: Syfy's Sharknado


In Native American culture a trickster frequently takes the form of a coyote; for the rest of us the trickster most often takes the form of the Syfy channel. Again and again Syfy pranks us all, luring us in with excellently titled original movies only to then deliver mind-numbingly unfun, unentertaining pieces of garbage that are simultaneously exhausting and intensely boring. Will we ever learn? No, because much as the coyote is crafty, so too is Syfy. It KNEW that allowing The Asylum to slap together a "movie" with the title-slash-premise Sharknado, casting Tara Reid, and then releasing the result in the middle of a summer internet buzz drought would make a meme of it. But if you're anything like me, you were naively excited for a fun, trashy exercise in badness, but then got like two perhaps three minutes in before your heart sank and you remembered, "Oh right, these things are unwatchable." Sorry, friends. It's like a Who song on opposite day: We've been fooled again.

After having sat through the entirety of Sharknado, I have several questions:

1. What's going on in this lady's life that she would be this excited about Long John Silver's?

2. Does Joe Rogan still get in fights with people on Myspace?


3. WHY?


Those are the only questions I had during Sharknado. Nothing else about this film made me wonder anything. Oh well, I guess we might as well talk about the feature presentation, too.


Sharknado was not a very good film. But at least it opened with a sharknado.

Let there be no misunderstanding as to what this movie was about: Sharknado was, first and foremost, a movie about a tragic holocaust of innocent sharks. Sharknado was secondarily about Tara Reid staring off into the middle distance. Thirdly, Sharknado was about a tornado that was HELLA wet.

Also Sharknado was about some kind of Yakuza tugboat heist? I'm really not sure.

Yeah the first scene had nothing to do with anything: Two shady guys fought over a tackle box full of cash and also at one point a shark hopped onto the deck and slurped down a human man like an Italian noodle.

Then a sharknado arrived and exfoliated the captain's face probably TOO much.

So yeah, that was the first scene. Only a thousand more hours to go!

Meanwhile, on a beautiful and popular Los Angeles beach:

Two familiar looking dudes shared a nice Sea-Doo ride out into the ocean to catch some rip curls and put their toes on their nose or whatever. Surfing.

The lad on the back was the "star" of this "movie", some guy named Ian Ziering who was on a teen soap your grandparents used to watch in the '90s. Riding shottie was the Australian guy from Baywatch who is apparently still allowed to be on TV despite not appearing in swimwear or being in his 20s.

Listen, don't freak out, but at this point a shark attack happened:

But the sharks weren't just feasting on randos, it had bit Baywatch dude on the calf also!

He was fine, don't worry. Ian Ziering had to get back to his job as a bar owner at a bar placed precariously on the edge of a wharf. Oh and look who his best customer was:

THE DAD FROM HOME ALONE! Where was Kevin???!! LOL J/K

This lady was named Nova and she had a shark bite next to her butt and also wore a bikini top with a macrame shirt on top and was in love with Ian Ziering even though he was busy making a phone call to his ex-wife Tara Reid. See, a hurricane was supposed to arrive in a few seconds, so he needed to make sure everything was cool.

Tara Reid did a very good job in this film. Probably her best scene was the part where she appeared in a headshot in the background:

I felt like she really came alive during this part where she was a headshot in the background.

So then Ian Ziering's bar got flooded and almost immediately sharks were hopping through windows and attacking patrons. Nova stabbed a shark with a pool cue, but then outside she tried to shoot one with a shotgun and Kevin's dad had to beat it away with a bar stool:

GET OUTTA HERE, Shark!

Have you heard of a movie called THE JAWS? If so you might appreciate this "nod" or "homage" to The Jaws. The Baywatch guy stuck a tank in the shark's mouth and Ian Ziering shot it until it exploded.

Something like that happened in Jaws right? I don't know, I haven't actually seen it and I'm not sure how to look it up now that Alta Vista went out of business.

Then a ferris wheel attacked a building.

Then our ragtag group of boring jerks got in a car and drove around L.A. which was flooding like crazy!

If I'm being real with you (can I be real with you for a second?) the first half of this movie should've been called Sharknami because it was mostly just about how everything was flooding for no reason and sharks were swimming around in the brackish, two-foot-deep water. Like, sharks were so prevalent at this point that they were showing up in the stock news footage that had been edited into this movie! 

Anyway, it was pretty cute to see Beverly Hills get ruined. 

And Prada!

And the place where I do all MY shopping: Family Mart! Oh no, Family Mart, all your sales and deals, simply drenched.

Then at some point everybody got out of the car to help some people on the freeway and Kevin's dad used his bar stool to break a CGI window and free a dog. Unfortunately then a wave came and swept Kevin's dad away. 

Poor Kevin's dad! Remember that time Catherine O'Hara had to ride in the back of a truck with John Candy just so she could reach Kevin in time for Christmas, but Kevin was fighting off all the robbers via inhuman torture and then his neighbor hit everyone with a shovel? Anyway, R.I.P. Kevin's dad.

So then the gang drove all the way up to Beverly Hills to go check on Ian Ziering's ex-wife Tara Reid, plus Tara Reid's new yuppie husband and also Ian Ziering and Tara Reid's thirtysomething daughter. It should go without saying that the yuppie husband ALSO gives good headshot:

It should also go without saying that the yuppie husband walked by a window only to have it explode inward, instantaneously flooding the house with five feet of water and also he was bitten to death by a shark in his own foyer.

Then a shark tried to bite everybody but they held him off with an Ikea bookshelf.

After Nova destroyed a half dozen sharks with a shotgun, the Baywatch guy looked at this bloody scene and said, and I'm not making this up, "Looks like it's that time of the month." If any of you know what this means, please explain it to me in the comments below, thx.

Then Tara Reid's house exploded.

Then as they were driving to, uh, somewhere, Ian Ziering saw a school bus parked in 18 inches of water and decided that he needed to snap into action. So he set up an elaborate rope system (a rope was tied to his car) and rescued the kids one by one.

Sure, a shark jumped up and tried to climb up the rope after him, but that's because sharks are rascals. Anyway, the shark was cut loose (swim along, fella!) and then when Ian Ziering climbed to the top, the Hollywood sign came loose and one of the letters crushed a school teacher to death. Pretty standard sharknado stuff, really.

Then as if our heroes weren't already totally annoyed with all these flying sharks, one bit a hole in the roof of their car!

It was VERY scary! It was like that one Billy Ocean song "Get Out of My Car and Get Into My Nightmares." I agreed with Tara Reid here:

Fortunately Nova was able to shoot the shark's head off with a shotgun and nobody suffered any hearing loss whatsoever.

Then the car exploded.

Later they all went into a liquor store and Tara Reid looked at all the products.

Then the gang stole a Hummer and found themselves in a high-speed police chase through a post-apocalyptic wasteland!

But the po-po didn't know that our gang had a TRICK up their sleeves! 

Hit that booster!

Oh yeah, you better believe they outran that fuzz. Sorry 5-0, we don't pull over when there's sharknados to deal with.

I liked this part when the actors all looked in different directions even though this was right in front of them:

Damn, now THAT'S a sharknado!

For me the movie really began when we met the full-grown son of Ian Ziering and Tara Reid because he was instantly a thousand times more charismatic than anybody else and also he sort of looked like Chris Zylka which was CLOSE ENOUGH. Also he'd been hiding in a closet with a couple of hunks, which seemed pretty cool in my opinion.

At this point the gang started to arm themselves using whatever they could find, but mostly gardening tools and homemade bombs.

That's when we got a little bit of character development. Specifically Nova finally revealed the story behind the obvious shark bite scar near her butt. But instead of ME summing it up, how about I just reproduce her speech verbatim so that you can truly savor the writing and perhaps use it as your next audition monologue?

I was raised by my grandparents. When I was seven my grandpa took me fishing on one of those day-charter deals with his friends. We wound up hitting into a reef and the boat went down. My grandfather took me and put me inside this little life raft for safety. Everyone else was just kind of swimming around trying to stay up and suddenly all these sharks just started swarming and then they tried to protect me but by morning they were all gone. So I floated out there for two days until those coast guard helicopters finally spotted me. I thought I was safe but suddenly this shark just leapt up and bit my leg. Six people went into the water and one little girl came out. The sharks took the rest. They took my grandfather. That's why I really hate sharks.


Powerful stuff. Also, in case it wasn't clear yet, Nova began the movie very much wanting to bone Ian Ziering, but by this point she was pretty much ready to sit 'n spin on his son. No judgment here! What happens in a sharknado stays in that sharknado.

So that's when Ian Ziering's son got a great idea: He would fly a helicopter up to the sharknados (there were three sharknados now) and throw bombs in them. Problems solved! Tara Reid thought it wasn't a great idea, but cool it, Tara Reid. All you're doing is nag-nag-nagging when some people are busy chopping sharks in half with a chainsaw:

So yeah, junior and Nova took off and they had a plan.

AND IT WORKED! The propane bombs killed tons of sharks and also dissipated a tornado!

Unfortunately this tiny victory made everyone get cocky, and when you get cocky that's when mistakes are made. First of all, the Baywatch guy got sucked up to Heaven. Then the son's hunky friends who didn't get lines, only tight sweaters, had misfortunes befall them as well:

Poor Tara Reid. Her Sphinx-like expression could not help but betray vague hints of human emotion. Who could blame her?

So then a swimming pool exploded. I know why but it's a secret.

Then just as Ian Ziering's son and Nova were going to throw more bombs into the rest of the sharknados, a shark jumped onto the helicopter and she had no choice but to stab it in the face with her knife. But I guess she lost her balance and this happened:

That's right, she fell out of the helicopter and was swallowed whole by a megalodon! Or something. I don't know. Just a very big shark.

Then the sharks started getting cocky and one even left a print in the cement in front of the Mann's Chinese Theatre. Oh please, get real, shark!

With all that had happened, Ian Ziering was left with no choice but to load up all the rest of the bombs into his Hummer, turn on the nitrous boosters, jump out, and watch the whole kit and caboodle get sucked up into the sharknado. Enough was enough.


And it worked! And we were treated to THIS haunting shot, best scored to "Ave Maria":

But the sharks weren't finished! No, there was still a huge one flying down trying to eat Ian Ziering's daughter!

But Ian Ziering being Ian Ziering, he had the situation HANDLED.

Yes, that's right, he and his chainsaw jumped directly into the shark's open mouth. And then this happened:

And then, like a symbolic recreation of the birth of all mankind, Ian Ziering erupted from the bloody carcass of a shark.

But a surprise twist! He hadn't been alone in there!

Nova was alive! Phew, for a second there I was worried she wasn't going to get to bone Ian Ziering's son, but now it seems like a lock. Congrats, everybody.

This was a very romantic moment:

They had done it. They had saved Los Angeles from the scourge of sharknados. This time. But next time? We'll just have to wait and see.

Meanwhile all the sharks in the world died. A truly sad day for sharks.

Guys, Sharknado was not a very good film. It was probably the most boring thing I've had to sit through since the new season of Arrested Development. I know I'm supposed to be like "it's so bad it's good" but (a) that phrase is meaningless because (b) the line between good art and bad art became blurry so long ago and this movie STILL didn't even approach it, and (c) it was so badly made and self-consciously bad therefore not funny and just deadly boring. Why does Syfy keep doing this to us? Let's be generous and assume it's just a money thing... imagine if this premise and minuscule budget were handed over to the teams behind Eagleheart or Childrens Hospital or something like that? Certainly we could get a low-budget, funny event movie out of it that didn't make us feel like we were all having communal mental problems. I mean, the editing. The color correction. The camera work. Unwatchable! I just don't get it. I really don't. Oh well, at least the CGI was perfect. 

OKAY BYE


QUESTIONS:

... What was Tara Reid's best scene?

... Did any of Sharknado strike you as implausible?

... What is your favorite Syfy movie of all time?

Comments (154)
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"I liked this part when the actors all looked in different directions even though this was right in front of them" OMG thats amazing haha
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i saw the movie and I read this...this was far more entertaining but who wouldn't watch a movie with a title like sharknado I mean c'mon
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My apologies to everyone. people like me are the reason these awful movies get made: I thought it was hilarious! It was like watching a limbo dancing contest - how low can u go? Every time I thought it couldn't more ridiculous it sank a bit lower. I know I have serious problem and I'm not proud of my addiction to really, REALLY bad movies. I promise to try and seek help before the Sharnado sequel comes out.
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The 4th season of Arrested Development wasn't boring !!
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That was your takeaway from that whole article?

Wow. And wrong too. All of the new Areested Development is TERRIBLE.
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Ditto: just joined to shout out for your funny business. I was not aware I could enjoy TV via powerpoint synopsis! Pea shout.
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Likewise, I feel this synopsis is far superior to the actual movie; perhaps with Sharknado 2 (and yes it *is* being made and no I'm not kidding), they could just forget the movie and get Price Peterson to do this little round up instead.....so much better. ;)
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I created an account just to thank you for writing this hilarious recap. I didn't know of the Sharknado meme, I was flipping channels and happened on the chainsaw escape scene, and kept flipping. So I did see that scene. But this recap made me close my office door because I was laugh-crying out loud. So, thanks.
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you know what's been kinda buggin me since I watched the movie (yes, I actually watched it lol)...one thing you didn't even touch on Price...when they went into the hardware store to "arm" themselves with the chainsaws and homemade bombs and whatnot......did it not occur to anybody else that they were on an airfield? so my question is this...since when do airfields have hardware stores just sitting there, on the airfield itself? I mean, I'm from Canada, and I've never personally seen this here, but maybe that's a totally normal place to have a retail store in other countries? because I mean, who's not going on a charter flight and thinking, "you know, I really should pick up that hedge trimmer I've been meaning to get..." Right?
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It made me sad when they had to use CGI to break a car window. Like what does it cost to fix a broken car window? Like $300? It was probably the car of the guy who operates the boom mike. They just filmed the majority of the scenes in the parking lot with all the crew's cars. Also, the son is the best part of this movie. "Man, now I hate sharks too!!"
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I haven't read all the comments since I last posted, but decided to watch the movie and it wasn't QUITE as bad as I thought it be. But given I thought it was going to be about the worst thing I'd ever seen, that's not saying a whole lot.

I wanted to ask if it was just me or not, but when the Aussie (Baywatch guy) shows the kiddies his propane tank bomb and says, "Now that's a bomb", was it a cheesy reference to Crocodile Dundee ("Now that's a knife")? or am I just looking too much into? Sorry if anyone else brought this up, but since Price was talking about the earlier 'homage' towards Jaws, I wondered if this was a subtler plug.
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There isn't enough ecstasy and weed to ever get me through this movie. It was hard enough reading this hilarious re-cap.
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This was the most exciting film I've seen all year! Most exciting thing period. I mean, I watch a lot of reality television, which is great. But this is THE BOMB!
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Really disappointing flick. The last 20 minutes were great though. My favorite part was when Ian blew up the swimming pool. The old people were like, "thanks for killing the two sharks in our pool that weren't threatening us at all, by destroying the entire pool!"

I was expecting this to top Piranhaconda, but it wasn't even a contest. I would rank this below Swamp Volcano as well.
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Oh! And how many sharks did they need to kill in this movie? Couldn't they just walk away from all of the poor sharks flailing around on land? They seriously had to execute them all, gangland-style.
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"Looks like it's that time of the month." If any of you know what this means, please explain it to me in the comments below, thx.

He's talking about Aunt Flow, Price... but you knew that already, didn't you?
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I'm affraid that this review made this movie awesome.
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Awful lol on the bright side
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It actually has some entertainment value, cause´ its a downright ridicule to actual sfi-fi-movies, which is kinda funny i guess... Also its a perfect example of how to NOT make a movie...
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I need to see this film. It looks terrible!!! Missed these reviews Price, so glad you're back to watch things for us!
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This movie was awesome.
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XBig Hawaiian BBQ Chicken & Bacon Pizza $18.00, Cable $59.99 a month, reading Mr. Peterson's Photo-recaps PRICELESS!
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honestly i enjoyed it. i've seen far far worse than this one. but i had fun watching it. i went in with really low expecations and i enjoyed it. leaving out the normal questions like heather here asks about Tara Reid's house in it. and i don't always enjoy films like these. also the guy who played kevin's dad which drives me nuts when people call him that is John Heard.

he was also Callie's Dad in CSI:Miami as well. though the ending was WTF i admit that. and unrealistic among a lot about this movie is. for me it looked like they had fun making it and knew it wasn't going to be no great film. but a movie like this i'm sure is fun as hell to make.

regardless how unrealistic it is. that doesn't bother me to be honest.
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Sad shark holocaust! The movie should be about scientists trying to actually rescue those fish and return them to the sea.
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Why was Tara Reid's beverly hills house on the side of a hill flooded on the inside with no flooding outside? and why were most of the sharknado's not causing any sort of path of destruction in LA...or are these reasonable questions we are not supposed to ask.
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Yeah, and how high must the water have been in Santa Monica for those hills in Beverly Hills to be flooded?
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Nova's backstory speech reminded me of the main girl on Gremlins, soo...ok.

Also, I was never even close to watching this movie, but that Evil Dead Samurai Overhead Chainsaw Attack on the shark was pretty damn nice...comparatively. Thanks for that one.

The question I have is: Was anyone happy while they were at work here, or did they all have that dead-inside look?
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Thanks! As I read that, I kept thinking, where have I heard something just like this in a movie before? You nailed it-- the Phoebe Cates "Why I hate Christmas" monologue. Maybe it was an intentional writer's spoof?
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I'd like to think so, but it's really hard to give them that much credit without seeing exactly how they did it. Gremlins had that cold, ridiculously eerie zoom-in both times. If they got that part in, then we can award full points.

But I'm not watching the show to find out. Lemme know, 'k?
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Nova's backstory on her scar was a direct rip off from Quinns Jaws speech...
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Every single person involved with bringing this shit stain of a movie to creation should be immediately forced to work at the farthest MacD's drive-thru from their home for the rest of their pathetic lives. Shame on you Syfy, shame.
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This review is one of your best! I loved the whole thing about Tara Reid's headshot in the background. :) WHY on earth is this Sharknado movie so popular, that's what I wanna know. Sharks already have a bad reputation...they don't need this movie to make it worse! No hate on sharks, though, they are misunderstood. Scary, yes, but misunderstood.
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Oh I'm fairly certain the human race came out the losers from this movie don't worry.
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Thank you for the review Price!!!!! There was no way I was going to watch this for myself and from what you said it was so bad it wasn't even good. Sci-Fi (I don't care they changed their spelling) should have had a split screen and had your review and the moview shown at that same time....maybe then it would have been bearable for the rest of the viewing audience. I love your work and can't wait until this week's TW recap!!!!!!!
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very much enjoyed the review. have to say the idea of jumping into a sharks gut with a chainsaw and slicing it open to escape is pretty awesome! :p
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..and with a hot chick inside covered by blood!? hahaha!
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I laughed myself silly reading this. Especially when Nova came out of the shark alive. This is the very bestest most ridiculous thing I ever read.
Also, picking the worst possible screenshots for Tara Reid's face really was an added laughter-bonus.
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Price, I don't always love your reviews but I sure did this one. LOVED the comments about them having their own headshots in the scene as they walk down the stairs.

Damn, now I'm really torn about watching this. I just know I'll regret it if I do, but I may just have to all the same.
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I watched as well and I didn't regret it at all. I knew what I had to expect and was in the end quite surprised that one Person who was already dead survived. I didn't see this twist coming. This trash was hilarious!
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omg .. how does someone sit down after writing this and honestly think that it was a job well done. Price, your review was, I'm sure (because I'll definitely not watch this movie), a thousand times better than the movie itself. Thx for taking one for the team.
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OMG Price you had me rolling. I laughed so hard at your review I about spewed soda out my nose. I watched most of this crap soup and turd sandwich of a movie and was in total shock. I think this is one of the most brain damaging offensive movies I have ever tried to watch. But your commentary was excellent. I loved every minute of it...Thanks for the good laugh..
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Is it even possible to make something soooooo bad as Sharknado?
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yeah it is!!! Have you seen Black Sheep?
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Come on, Black Sheep was awesome!
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I have no doubt that that photo recap was a million times better than the actual movie!!!! Thank you Price for taking one for the team, we really appreciate it!!!
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Really Price you have never seen Jaws! (and just an fyi there is no "the" before Jaws) Had you seen the movie you would have known that the... (I am trying to find a single word to describe how bad it was, but it is difficult, perhaps cataclysmic could work) speech the Nova chick gave about the butt shark bite scar, was also some kind of homage to the movie--that is if you wrote it verbatim, as I could not bring myself to even try and watch this movie and I offer my deepest sympathies for you to have had to endure it.
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Hmmm.... maybe the Gremlin's Christmas Speech was also a spoof on the Jaws' speech...
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It was verbatim. And NOOO you would have not wanted to watch it, unless you like feeling like toxic wast is dripping out your ears. I believe this was the most terrible movie I have ever seen, no words can describe it.
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Thanks for watching this for me Price, I had no interest in actually watching it, but I loved your review, which is probably a lot more than I would've been able to say if I had actually watched the movie.
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I was sort of, perhaps, maybe, considering, at some stage watching this, but I thought I'd read this article first, and what do you know, you did me a kindness and watched it for me just like the heading said! Anyway, I thank you greatly Price, because I probably enjoyed your review a lot more then I would have the movie. These were my favourite parts:

- Tara Reid did a very good job in this film. Probably her best scene was the part where she appeared in a headshot in the background:
- I felt like she really came alive during this part where she was a headshot in the background.
- It should go without saying that the yuppie husband ALSO gives good headshot.
- Later they all went into a liquor store and Tara Reid looked at all the products.
- So then a swimming pool exploded. I know why but it's a secret.
- And then, like a symbolic recreation of the birth of all mankind, Ian Ziering erupted from the bloody carcass of a shark.

Your review was hilariously perfect.
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Was Tara Reid high the whole time? Nevermind.
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If your acting career had face planted so badly that this was the best role open to you. Wouldn't you want to be constantly high?
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I just watched this and I couldn't stop laughing.
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I think Price Peterson is my new hero. Absolutely hilarious. And now to watch Sharknado, now that I'm vodka-fortified.
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This picture review was absolutely hilarious! Woke up some people by laughing to hard!
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They're airing the movie here in Canada tonight....nice touch with the sharks coming by air, ocean and sewer systems...they just need to have vampires with glowing chests in the sequel....oh and the bus driver looks like the long lost love child of music composer Paul Williams.
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So I guess this is what actors and actress do when their careers are dead...
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This movie needed Bruce Campbell. Sequel maybe?
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Thank you so much for enduring this for us Price. I must confess I was a bit excited about this one with all the build up and I might have even watched it but now I don't need to and your recap was as funny as ever. Thanks very much.
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The recap was way better than the movie. There was a lot of driving around in the rain and the real action (i.e. the Sharknadoes) didn't show up until the last 20 minutes or so.
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How to watch this?

PVR
Fast forward to the more ridiculous scenes and have a laugh
Delete

Actually, that pretty much describes much of what I watch anyways, so that's kind of depressing. Especially since Game of Thrones, which was worth savoring, won't be on for 9 freakin' months.
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Hey Price, you missed one. The Arizona Cardinals posted a new logo on their Facebook page--Cardnado! I would post it here but I can't. Apparently my Cards are thinking real badass this year--they only saved five players from last year. A course it may end up no better than the movie. Cardinal fans don't get much I'm afraid...
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Who would have a favorite syfy movie anything they come up with is in plain terms "CRAP" I am so happy that I did not put myself through that fair play to for watching it to give us your take on it but to be fair I think we all knew that when syfy has a movie we all stay away from it cause we all know you can dress it up all you want but "CRAP" is still "CRAP".
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They say that one man's trash is another man's treasure. But yeah, crap is pretty much crap...
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Do most liquor stores sell headache remedies and deodorant?
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Yes. Except in the awful states with state run ilquor stores.
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The smart ones do. Both are necessary for a night of binge drinking.
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Huh. You learn something every day
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