I don't know about you guys, but the whole mid-week holiday thing is not okay. Is it Friday? Is it Tuesday? Are you my mother? Thank the sweet rays of science that we have TV around to keep us grounded. Chasing UFOs is on tonight? It MUST be Friday! Here's what you have to look forward to this weekend:
What to watch on Friday, July 6...
FOURTEEN-HOUR MARATHON, 6am, USA
USA is calling this the "Red, White, and Burn" marathon—and I'm going to let that stand. I don't really feel like messing with the patriotism of a network called USA, you know? The fun begins at 6am sharp, so keep your alarm clocks close and your bayonets closer... am I alone in thinking that it should be protocol to watch Burn Notice with a loaded weapon?
So maybe you want to avoid this one if you're not terribly inclined to ponder harsh realities. But for those of us with a morbid curiosity about what it means to be alive, this sounds pretty cool! Tonight's episode explores the science of decomposition. Gro—I mean—awesome!
COMEDY SPECIAL, 10:30pm, Showtime
Corey Holcomb: Your Way Ain't Working
Do you guys know who Corey Holcomb is? I'll help you out: He's a comedian. And his favorite topic of discussion involves relationships, and why they go sour. Hey that sounds like a great way to spend a lonely Friday night! Love it or hate it, what can I say: I always give standup comedy a chance.
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
WWE Friday Night Smackdown!, 8pm, Syfy
My Babysitter's a Vampire, 8:30 p.m., ABC Family
20/20, 9 p.m., ABC
Dateline NBC, 9 p.m., NBC
America's Most Wanted, 9pm, Lifetime
Chasing UFOs, 9 p.m., NatGeo
Outrageous RVs, 9pm, HGTV
Say Yes to the Dress, 9pm, TLC
The Ricky Gervais Show, 9 p.m., HBO
Tyler Perry's House of Payne, 9 p.m., TBS
Whale Wars, 9 p.m., Animal Planet
Gravity Falls, 9:30 p.m., Disney
Comedy Bang! Bang!, 10 p.m., IFC
Flying Wild Alaska, 10 p.m., Discovery
House Hunters, 10 p.m., HGTV
Louisiana Lockdown, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
Mystery Diners, 10 p.m., Food
Police Women: Most Unforgettable Stings, 10 p.m., OWN
Randy to the Rescue, 10 p.m., TLC
The Dead Files, 10 p.m., Travel
Bunk, 10:30 p.m., IFC
A side note FYI: The late-night talk shows are taking the week off in observance of the July 4th holiday.
What to watch on Saturday, July 7...
I'm still trying to figure out why this one episode is called "Self-Cleaning Oven," but in the meantime you should know that it centers on a drug lord who left his prime back in the '80s, before he got locked up. Now that he's on parole, he's seeking revenge on all who wronged him. I'm guessing he'll be surprised to discover his greatest enemies no longer have mullets. Also in tonight's episode: Kenny and Tonya raid a bordello and Ahmad aids a man who's running from a loan shark.
Man vs. Wolf
If you're like me, you may have been known to beg your mother for a wolf-dog as a kid, because normal dogs were too wimpy-looking and far too unlikely to yield any sort of mystical powers. If you're like me, you will watch Discovery's Man vs. Wolf in an attempt to prove your mother, whose favorite words were "wild animals are meant to be wild," wrong. The show will attempt to prove that wolves and humans can co-habitate in harmony. Take that, mom! But also, seriously, even if the show does prove my mother wrong, the wolves would probably prefer to stay in the woods, eh?
MOVIE 9pm, Starz
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
In case you missed this in theaters and were too lazy to rent, buy, or stream it, you'll finally be able to watch this movie on your very own TV at no extra cost—provided you subscribe to Starz. I just wanted to give you the heads up, you know, because it's such a conversation piece.
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
My Cat From Hell, 8 p.m., Animal Planet
Fugitive at 17, 8 p.m., Lifetime
Princess, 8 p.m., CNBC
Bad Dog!, 9 p.m., Animal Planet
Celebrity Ghost Stories, 9 p.m., Bio
Dateline: Real Life Mysteries, 9 p.m., TLC
Oddities: San Francisco, 9 p.m., Science
The Suze Orman Show, 9 p.m., CNBC
Pair of Kings, 9 p.m., Disney
The High Low Project, 9:30 p.m., HGTV
StandUp in Stilettos, 10 p.m., TV Guide Network
Tanked: Unfiltered, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
The Firm, 10 p.m., NBC
Wicked Attraction, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
What to watch on Sunday, July 8...
SEASON PREMIERE, 8pm, BET
Tonight BET raises the curtain on Season 5 of its singing competition and Grammy-winning Gospel singer Kirk Franklin will return as host. Judges include Yolanda Adams, Donnie McClurkin, and new arrival CeCe Winans. If you take great pleasure in finishing off your weekend with a soulful bang, this one's for you.
LAS VEGAS FINALS, 9pm, G4
American Ninja Warrior
We've seen a great many fail throughout this season's search for THE American Ninja Warrior this season, but those who are left standing (and are still able to compete) are about to feel the pressure of an 8,000-pound gorilla. Not an actual gorilla (although that would be AWESOME!)—I was using that as a metaphor to explain that the finals are taking place in Las Vegas this weekend and it's going to be super intense for those competing. Let's all watch them sweat it out in the hot, hot heat!
SERIES PREMIERE, 9pm, VH1
Well, you asked for it: The large-lipped, huge-breasted, raspy-voiced leading lady you all raved about from VH1's Mob Wives now has her very own show. WAY TO GO. I guess it's good because between her lips and her ta-tas, nobody else can seem to fit in the same frame, anyway. The pilot will focus on Bit Ang's attempt to draw a younger clientele into her bar now that it's all revamped. There's something I find very suspicious about her fixation on youth...
SEASON 4 PREMIERE, 9pm, TLC
Hoarding: Buried Alive
I'm not sure why so many people derive pleasure from this show, but... they do, so I'm featuring it. Here it is on the What to Watch list, I hope you like it. That's all I really need to say, right? Because we all know what this premiere will be about: somebody who can't find the trash can. IT'S UNDER THE SINK, I KEEP TELLING YOU. Fine, fine... the premiere will be about a lady who can't part with her Elvis memorabilia. I'll come around on this show if they discover Elvis has been hiding under her stuff all along.
Are you so excited for The Walking Dead's third season? AMC sure is. Remember when we told you about the "Season 3 preview weekend" the network would be hosting in July? Well that weekend has arrived! In addition to marathons of The Walking Dead Seasons 1 and 2 and a re-airing of the pilot in black-and-white, the network is airing a brand-new episode of Talking Dead this Sunday. It'll include a preview of Season 3 alongside cast interviews, set tours, and other zombie-related news offerings. Hooray, zombies!
In "Old Times," a woman who once attempted to free a man she believed to be innocent from death row is found murdered. I smell a conspiracy! And when Callie discovers that Miranda was also a victim of sexually harassment, the two are finally able to find common ground—nothing like a couple of dirty old bosses to bring friends together. Man, this episode actually sounds like kind of a downer. I'm in!
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Cupcake Wars, 8 p.m., Food
Jerseylicious, 8 p.m., Style
Mob Wives Chicago, 8 p.m., VH1
Secret Millionaire, 8 p.m., ABC
Queen & Country, 8 p.m., PBS
Drop Dead Diva, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition, 9 p.m., ABC
Falling Skies, 9 p.m., TNT
Food Network Star, 9 p.m., Food Network
Ice Road Truckers, 9 p.m., History
Keeping Up with the Kardashians, 9 p.m., E!
Masterpiece Mystery!, 9 p.m., PBS
The Real Housewives of New Jersey, 9 p.m., Bravo
True Blood, 9 p.m., HBO
Army Wives, 10 p.m., Lifetime
Bounty Wars, SEASON PREMIERE, 10 p.m., Discovery
Bridezillas, 10 p.m., WE
Getting Married to the Moonies, 10 p.m., TLC
Iron Chef America, 10 p.m., Food
I Survived..., 10 p.m., Biography
Longmire, 10 p.m., A&E;
Mrs. Eastwood & Company, 10 p.m., E!
Shark Wranglers, 10 p.m., A&E;
Taboo, 10 p.m., NatGeo
The Great Escape, 10 p.m., TNT
The Newsroom, 10 p.m., HBO
Unique Eats, 10 p.m., Cooking
Weeds, 10 p.m., Showtime
Episodes, 10:30 p.m., Showtime
Aqua Something You Know Whatever, 12 a.m., Adult Swim
Metalocalypse!, 12:15 a.m., Adult Swim
The Eric Andre Show, 12:30 a.m., Adult Swim
What are you watching tonight?