It's not a coincidence that "weekend" is a homophone of "weakened." Those dang workdays have brought us to our knees, man! So let's take a few days to regroup, gas up, eat some turbonium, drink some go-go juice, and get ready to battle those named-for-Norse-gods days once again! Also, let's watch these:
What to watch on Friday, March 9...
SEASON 15 PREMIERE, 9pm, FX
The Ultimate Fighter
We don't cover a ton of sports here at TV.com, but this MMA reality series merits a mention because (1) it's always been pretty entertaining and (2) this new season is completely different. For one thing, it's making the move from Spike to FX, and for another it's now a weekly LIVE broadcast. That means all the drama between the contestants will be filmed the week prior to each Friday's live bout (as opposed to months in advance). In tonight's premiere we'll meet the top 32 fighters who will be narrowed down to a group of 16. And as if MMA wasn't gay porny enough, the roster includes an actual former gay porn star. So. This sport has something for everyone, basically.
In related news, tonight's episode of Spartacus: Vengeance sees the gang attempt to build their army by freeing even more fighters and/or slaves. Elsewhere Lucretia does her thang by recruiting an ex-gladiator to help scam some Romans.
In "Reagan v. Reagan," Erin and Danny find themselves in a difficult situation when he takes the stand in a murder case she's prosecuting. Then when the defendant's attorney gets totally murdered, Danny's the one who has to investigate. Because New York has only three law enforcement officers. (Untrue.)
SEASON 2 FINALE, 10pm, IFC
Say you'll be back, Portlandia! In tonight's Season 2 finale, a popular brunch spot is besieged by a horde of people unhappy about its wait time.
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Fred: The Show, 8 p.m., Nickelodeon
Shark Tank, 8 p.m., ABC
Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 8 p.m., Cartoon Network
Undercover Boss, 8 p.m., CBS
Who Do You Think You Are?: Jerome Bettis, 8 p.m., NBC
America's Most Wanted, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Gold Rush, REUNION SPECIAL, 9 p.m., Discovery
Grimm, 9 p.m., NBC
Primetime: What Would You Do?, 9 p.m., ABC
The Mentalist, 9 p.m., CBS
Tyler Perry's House of Payne, 9 p.m., TBS
20/20, 10 p.m., ABC
Bering Sea Gold, 10 p.m., Discovery
Curious & Unusual Deaths, 10 p.m., Discovery Fit & Health
Dateline NBC, 10 p.m., NBC
Four Weddings, 10 p.m., TLC
Merlin, 10 p.m., Syfy
On Death Row, SERIES PREMIERE, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Real Time with Bill Maher, 10 p.m., HBO
Comedy Bang! Bang!, PREVIEW SPECIAL, 10:30 p.m., IFC
What to watch on Saturday, March 10...
Saturday Night Live
Oh hey, Jonah Hill and The Shins! What's going on? Not much here. Yeah I heard you guys were doing SNL this week? Yeah? That's so cool. How's rehearsal going so far? Funny? It's gonna be pretty funny? Cool. Hey, good luck, guys.
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 8pm, Nickelodeon
Big Time Movie
We'll get a super-sized helping of Big Time Rush tonight when the boys dash off to London for their very first international tour. Things take a James Bondian turn, however, when they somehow get hold of some kind of doomsday device. Oh, so THIS is how the world ends. I kind of knew it.
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 8pm, Lifetime
Of Two Minds
Lifetime continues hitting it out of the park (Lifetime has never hit it out of the park) with tonight's original movie in which a woman allows her schizophrenic sister to live in her home, only to realize that the schizophrenic sister occasionally behaves disturbingly! Cool, just as long as mental illness is portrayed fairly, you know?
SEASON 2 FINALE, 10pm, Science
An Idiot Abroad: The Bucket List
Tonight Science wraps up its rebroadcast of the BBC series An Idiot Abroad with Karl Pilkington returning home from his Bucket List adventures and regaling Ricky and Stephen with his experiences. Spoiler: He didn't enjoy most of it!
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Them Idiots Whirled Tour, ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 7 p.m., CMT
Must Love Cats, 8 p.m., Animal Planet
Q'Viva! The Chosen, 8 p.m., Fox
20/20: My Extreme Affliction, 9 p.m., ABC
Being Human (U.K.), 9 p.m., BBC America
Oddities, 9 p.m., Science
The Firm, 9 p.m., NBC
Suze Orman Show, 9 p.m., CNBC
Too Cute! Kitten Dolls, 9 p.m., Animal Planet
Billy the Exterminator, 9:30 p.m., A&E;
48 Hours Mystery, 10 p.m., CBS
Bizarre E.R., 10 p.m., Discovery Fit & Health
The Graham Norton Show, 10:15 p.m., BBC America
Katy Brand's Big Ass Show, 11:30 p.m., BBC America
What to watch on Sunday, March 11...
SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 8:30pm, Fox
Well, thank God those are over. (Not naming names.) Welcome back to your rightful home, Bob's Burgers! This show is so great you guys. In tonight's Season 2 premiere, the kids explore an abandoned taffy factory in a search for a legendary treasure and Bob and Linda must rescue them before the building's imminent demolition. Scary! But so funny! Both!
Although the title's true meaning remains a huge mystery that will never be solved, GCB rallies onward with a new installment! Tonight Gigi decides to help reintroduce Amanda to the community by throwing her a luncheon. Meanwhile Carlene plots some sweet comeuppance after Amanda embarrasses her at church.
In "Hurricane Monica," the titular bad news lady returns to hook up with Frank and generally cause problems, and meanwhile Lip finds himself kicked out of the house and looking to crash at Steve's. Also Sheila and Jody come to believe their house is haunted by the ghost of Eddie. And nobody will vacuum, not once.
The Walking Dead
Only two episodes left! This week the survivors will deal with the physical and emotional repercussions of last week's shocking turn of events. Meanwhile someone (or something) starts prowling around the farm and it gets on everybody's nerves.
Once Upon a Time
In "Red-Handed," Ruby has had enough with the diner, but after she quits, Emma snaps her up as a new assistant. Meanwhile in Ridiculoustown (is that its name?), Snow White attempts to hook up with her boo but the wolf makes things difficult for everybody.
Eastbound & Down
Tonight Kenny comes to believe his infant son Toby is somehow cursed when Kenny experiences a series of misfortunes on the playing field. Later he attempts to spend some quality time with Shane's difficult family and Stevie finds himself racked with guilt over something he did.
The Good Wife
In "Long Way Home," venture capitalist Colin Sweeney needs Alicia's help in defending him against sexual-misconduct charges or else he may not be able to regain control of his company. You know, just everyday problems we ALL face at certain times in our lives. Oh, and also Peter forces Cary to enforce office policies, with presumably awkward results.
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
60 Minutes, 7 p.m., CBS
America's Funniest Home Videos, 7 p.m., ABC
Dateline NBC, 7 p.m., NBC
The Cleveland Show, 7:30 p.m., Fox
Amazing Race, 8 p.m., CBS
Harry's Law, 8 p.m., NBC
Mob Wives, 9 p.m., VH1
The Simpsons, 8 p.m., Fox
Army Wives, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Celebrity Apprentice, 9 p.m., NBC
Desperate Housewives, 9 p.m., ABC
Family Guy, 9 p.m., Fox
Hoarding: Buried Alive, 9 p.m., TLC
Luck, 9 p.m., HBO
Nightmare Next Door, 9 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Ninja Warrior, 9 p.m., G4
Oprah's Next Chapter: Lady Gaga, 9 p.m., OWN
The Real Housewives of Atlanta, 9 p.m., Bravo
American Dad!, 9:30 p.m., Fox
Breakout Kings, 10 p.m., A&E;
Comic Book Men, 10 p.m., AMC
Coming Home, SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 10 p.m., Lifetime
CSI: Miami, 10 p.m., CBS
House of Lies, 10 p.m., Showtime
Khloe & Lamar, 10 p.m., E!
My Strange Addiction, 10 p.m., TLC
Shahs of Sunset, SERIES PREMIERE, 10 p.m., Bravo
Californication, 10:30 p.m., Showtime
Ice Loves Coco, 10:30 p.m., E!
Life's Too Short, 10:30 p.m., HBO
Stevie TV, 11 p.m., VH1
Talking Dead, 12 a.m., AMC
Mary Shelley's Frankenhole, 12:15 a.m., Cartoon Network
What are you watching this weekend?