I just want to let you know that I checked like EIGHT times to make sure Person of Interest wasn't somehow airing any random new episodes tonight. Because I think my heart might lit'rally stop if I ever miss mentioning it again and have to undergo the consequences. On the bright side, we actually have stuff to watch on Friday now! And Sunday is like an explosion of television greatness! Premiere season just does not cease to excite me. And it should excite you, too, because now you don't even have to attempt to make plans for the weekend. Take a look at what I'm talking about, then start prioritizing your DVRs—and when you're finally finished with that go outside and watch the sunset or something. It'll feel good, I swear:
What to watch on Friday, September 28...
SEASON 5 PREMIERE, 9pm, Fox
In tonight's long-awaited Season 5 premiere, which has one of the longest titles and most confusing titles I've ever had to type, "Transilience Thought Unifier Model-11," Peter and Etta are on the search for Olivia and they start in 2036. Of course, also in 2036: the future Fringe team gets released from amber after 20 years and decides to join the rebellion that will halt the Observers' world dominance. Sounds kind of wonderful!
After taking a little break, our favorite fairy-tale detective is back on the scene. In tonight's "The Good Shepherd" Monroe investigates a robbery at a Wesen church, and meanwhile, as Nick continues his quest to reconnect with Juliette, a menacing adversary starts tracing his tracks, putting him in unknown danger. Might this dangerous opponent have any connection to Captain Renard?
SERIES PREMIERE, 9pm, CBS
Made in Jersey
The 9 o'clock time slot is looking pretty busy, eh? In CBS's new court drama we meet small-town Jersey girl, Martina, who works at a fancy law firm in NYC. In the pilot, Martina impresses her boss by displaying some of her "street smarts" and winds up on a case involving a student and a professor at a local university. Moral of the story: Move to Jersey and all your dreams will come true.
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
America's Next Top Model, 8 p.m., The CW
Boss, 8 p.m., Starz
CSI: NY, SEASON 9 PREMIERE, 8 p.m., CBS
Shark Tank, 8 p.m., ABC
WWE Friday Night Smackdown!, 8pm, Syfy
America's Most Wanted, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Bering Sea Gold: Under the Ice, 9 p.m., Discovery
Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team, 9 p.m., CMT
Flea Market Flip, SERIES PREMIERE, 9 p.m., TLC
Ghost Adventures, 9 p.m., Travel
Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta, 9pm, TLC
The Ultimate Fighter, 9 p.m., FX
Tyler Perry's For Better or Worse, 9 p.m., TBS
20/20, 10 p.m., ABC
Blue Bloods, SEASON 3 PREMIERE, 10 p.m., CBS
Cheer, 10 p.m., CMT
Dateline NBC, SEASON PREMIERE, 10 p.m., NBC
Deadly Women, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Eden Eats, 10 p.m., Cooking
Fashion Police, 10 p.m., E!
Haven, 10 p.m., Syfy
House Hunters, 10 p.m., HGTV
Secret Princes, 10 p.m., TLC
Yukon Men, 10 p.m., Discovery
House Hunters International, 10:30 p.m., HGTV
Christina Aguilera and TV host Sherri Shepherd on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
Ice-T and Justin Kirk on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, 12:37 a.m., CBS
Michael C. Hall and Martha Plimpton on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS
What to watch on Saturday, September 29...
9pm, BBC America
In "The Angels Take Manhattan" the statues in New York City start to come to life, and the Doctor must figure out how, why, and what he needs to do to stop them from terrorizing the city. (Especially that Statue of Liberty lady—can you imagine what kind of havoc she could cause?) Also, the Doctor must say goodbye to Amy and Rory. Sad.
SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, BBC America
Chef Race: UK vs US
BBC America is really taking the cake this Saturday. In this brand new series, chefs from the United Kingdom and United States compete for the crown of ...quickest chef? Is that really something to be proud of? The results, of course, will dictate which country is better and that's really all that matters, right? It doesn't really matter what they're better at. In the pilot, the teams will race from Los Angeles to Las Vegas (hopefully not on foot) and will have to prepare sushi in a bathroom along the way as well as high tea. Sounds like a reality show, alright! I love a chef who can prepare me sushi at a moment's notice—preferably while on the loo.
SPECIAL, 10pm, Comedy Central
Demetri Martin. Standup Comedian
Hey, remember Demetri? He had a show for a while but he didn't do so hot, so now he's back on the standup circuit? Well now he's back on a standup circuit that's back on TV! How do you like them apples? In it, Demetri uses his hand-drawn charts and drawings to illustrate his observations on cultural customs and conventions. It's high-brow humor with a low-brow twist!
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Doctor Who in the U.S., SPECIAL, 8 p.m., BBC America
Bayou Billionaires, 9 p.m., CMT
Dateline: Real Life Mysteries, 9 p.m., TLC
Happily Never After, SEASON FINALE, 9 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Iyanla, Fix My Life, 10 p.m., OWN
My Fair Wedding With David Tutera: Unveiled, 9 p.m., WE
The Suze Orman Show, 9 p.m., CNBC
Welcome to Sweetie Pie's: An Extra Slice, 9 p.m., OWN
48 Hours, 10 p.m., CBS
Deadly Affairs, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
I Was Impaled, 10 p.m., Discovey Health and Fitness
What to watch on Sunday, September 30...
SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 8pm, ABC
Once Upon a Time
So many second season returns tonight! In this one, "Broken," we pick up right where we left off last season: As the Storybrooke curse is broken, the fairy-tale characters begin to remember their past lives, but for some reason aren't able to return to the world they left so long ago. And thanks to Mr. Gold, magic has returned to the town, as well. Meanwhile, in fairy-tale land, Prince Phillip awakens a sleeping beauty named Aurora.
SEASON 7 PREMIERE, 9pm, Showtime
In this weekend's seventh season premiere, "Are You... ?," Deb does her best to hide her involvement in the Travis murder, Batista and Quinn finally reach an agreement, and Detective Mike Anderson gets caught up in a very unfortunate rendezvous. Also, LaGuerta has second thoughts about the Bay Harbor Butcher case. Is Dexter finally in too deep?
SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 9pm, ABC
Now that the stakes are even higher after last summer's Hamptons events, Emily must carefully plan her next move. But what, exactly, could her next move be? There's so little to work with here, but that kind of vague reveal is part of what makes this show so great. So tune in!
SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, ABC
666 Park Avenue
ABC attempts to take on the horror genre, which I personally attribute to American Horror Story's success, but whatever. In this new series, a young couple (Jane and Henry) are offered the chance to manage a prestigious apartment complex in New York City, which they agree to because they're so entranced by the Upper East Side's swank. But soon after they move in, supernatural forces begin to haunt them, which make them wonder how they can get out of their agreement.
SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 10pm, Showtime
The Emmy Awards sweetheart is back on television just one week after taking a whole bunch of little gold statues home with them last week—and we couldn't be happier. In "The Smile" a former asset threatens Carrie's peace away from the office and Dana lets a huge secret slip. Also, Brody learns that Nazir might not like his idea of a nonviolent terrorist approach. Go figure!
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Call the Midwife, SERIES PREMIERE, 8 p.m., PBS
Cupcake Wars, 8 p.m., Food
Making Monsters, SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 8 p.m., Travel
Off the Hook: Extreme Catches, 8 p.m., Animal Planet
Rehab With Dr. Drew, 8 p.m., VH1
The Amazing Race, SEASON 21 PREMIERE, 8 p.m., CBS
The Simpsons, SEASON 24 PREMIERE, 8 p.m., Fox
Bob's Burgers, SEASON 3 PREMIERE, 8:30 p.m., Fox
Bar Rescue, SEASON FINALE, 9 p.m., Spike
Behind the Music, 9 p.m., VH1
Boardwalk Empire, 9 p.m., HBO
Family Guy, SEASON 11 PREMIERE, 9 p.m., Fox
Hell on Wheels, 9 p.m., AMC
Long Island Medium, 9 p.m., TLC
Nail Files, SEASON FINALE, 9 p.m., TV Guide
Oprah's Next Chapter, 9 p.m., OWN
Sins & Secrets, 9 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Snapped, 9 p.m., Oxygen
The Good Wife, SEASON 4 PREMIERE, 9 p.m., CBS
The Great Food Truck Race, SEASON 3 FINALE, 9 p.m., Food
American Dad, SEASON 8 PREMIERE, 9:30 p.m., Fox
The Shores, SEASON PREMIERE, 9:30 p.m., TVGuide
Bridezillas, 10 p.m., WE
Breaking Amish, 10 p.m., TLC
Copper, 10 p.m., BBC America
Married to Jonas, 10 p.m., E!
The Mentalist, SEASON 5 PREMIERE, 10 p.m., CBS
The Real Housewives of New Jersey, REUNION SPECIAL, 10 p.m., Bravo
Taboo, 10 p.m., NatGeo
Tattoo Rescue, 10 p.m., Spike
Treme, 10 p.m., HBO
Unusual Suspects, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
What are you watching this weekend?