What are your weekend plans? Shoveling ice and cursing the winds? Finding the lion that ate your brother? Feeding your Tomagotchi? Look, I don't know what anybody is doing because I will be watching all this stuff:
What to watch on Friday, January 13...
SERIES FINALE, 8pm, ABC
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
As Boyz II Men once aptly put it, "It's so hard to say goodbye." But tonight we must bid farewell to Ty Pennington, his bus, and the legions of incredibly sad families in whose homes he's helped install bowling alleys. In tonight's double-episode series finale of America's favorite plastic surgery makeover spin-off, Pennington and company will rebuild SEVEN homes for residents of Joplin, MO whose houses got tore up in a 2011 tornado.
After this week's dispiriting forecast for Fringe's future, it's probably time to start savoring every new episode we get. In tonight's long-awaited midseason return that was supposed to be the midseason finale, Peter ventures into the alternate universe to confront Walternate. Meanwhile Olivia must decide whether to act on information she receives from an Observer.
When a prison escapee decides to seek retribution on those who put him behind bars, Nick comes to believe the man's strength and high pain tolerance might make him a supernatural creature. Whoops, somebody better tell Nick this episode is entitled "Game Ogre."
Here we go, another period piece! In "Time After Time After Time," Dean gets sent back to 1944 where he finds himself under arrest by Eliot Ness himself. Let's see, do you think a tommy gun-related drinking game might be in order? Or should we just play the normal Supernatural drinking game, Drink When Someone Is Handsome?
Whoops, after I completely lied to you last week by claiming the season premiere contained the Battlestar Galactica sketch, it turns out that's actually happening in this episode. Egads, mea culpa!! Eeeeesh. No respect, no respect. As for what else is in this episode, I don't know. Tune in!
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
A Gifted Man, 8 p.m., CBS
Chuck, 8 p.m., NBC
Frenemies, ORIGINAL MOVIE, 8 p.m., Disney Channel
Kitchen Nightmares, 8 p.m., Fox
Nikita, 8 p.m., CW
Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 8 p.m., Cartoon Network
America's Most Wanted, 9 p.m., Lifetime
CSI: NY, 9 p.m., CBS
Gold Rush, 9 p.m., Discovery
The Kevin Hart Playlist, ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 9 p.m., Comedy Central
The Life and Times of Tim, 9 p.m., HBO
Tyler Perry's House of Payne, 9 p.m., TBS
20/20, 10 p.m., ABC
Blue Bloods, 10 p.m., CBS
Confessions: Animal Hoarding, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
Dateline NBC, 10 p.m., NBC
Deadly Women, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Dr. G: Medical Examiner, 10 p.m., Discovery Fit & Health
Four Weddings, 10 p.m., TLC
Merlin, 10 p.m., Syfy
Real Time with Bill Maher, SEASON 10 PREMIERE, 10 p.m., HBO
The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret, 10:30 p.m., IFC
Marvel Anime: Blade, SERIES PREMIERE, 11 p.m., G4
Kristen Bell on Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS
Queen Latifah on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:35 a.m., NBC
Tilda Swinton on Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
Viggo Mortensen on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
What to watch on Saturday, January 14...
Saturday Night Live
If host Daniel Radcliffe is half as funny tonight as he was in his episode of Extras, this could be amazing. Musical guest is internet-famous Lana Del Rey, who will sing "Videogames" at least once. (Fingers-crossed for twice!)
ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 9pm, ABC
Miss America Pageant
This is not the Donald Trump-produced one. It does, however, feature Chris Harrison as a host, so don't go thinking it will be all that much classier. Anyway, tune in to see which of the fifty-three contestants will win that tiara.
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 8pm, Lifetime
Sexting in Suburbia
Let's be honest, it doesn't really matter what this movie is about: That title just works. Ding ding ding, I'm in. But for those of you who are sticklers for detail, Sexting in Suburbia tells the tale of a mother who investigates the cyberbullying-related suicide of her daughter who... dang. That doesn't sound very fun. I'm still in.
Austin City Limits: Arcade Fire
Tonight a good show features a great band, as Canada's finest musical troupe since Rush play some hot cuts from their surprise Grammy-champion album The Suburbs. No but seriously, this will be extremely good.
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 9pm, Syfy
Also extremely good, but to a much, much lesser extent (zero?) is this Syfy Original movie in which Mercury threatens to smash into Earth. Oh, Mercury, must you? But will the deployment of a discredited scientist's weapon of mass destruction be the world's only salvation? Spoiler Alert: Probably.
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
A Taste of Romance, ORIGINAL MOVIE, 8 p.m., Hallmark Channel
Cops, 8 p.m., Fox
My Cat From Hell, 8 p.m., Animal Planet
The Fades, SERIES PREMIERE, 9 p.m., BBC America
Suze Orman Show, 9 p.m., CNBC
Graham Norton Show, 10 p.m., BBC America
What to watch on Sunday, January 15...
AWARDS SPECIAL, 8pm, NBC
2012 Golden Globe Awards
Everybody's like, "Oh, what will Ricky Gervais say this year?" But don't you think his entire monologue will be about how mad everyone got last year? Because people got so mad! Me, I'm just mad his jokes weren't funnier. Oh well. It's better than hearing about his religious beliefs I guess. Anyway, tonight brings the most prestigious, alcohol-soaked awards show of them all, in which 25 movie and television awards will be thrown into the crowd at random. Be there!
Once Upon a Time
Tonight we'll get some righteous Hansel and Gretel action when Emma helps two Storybrooke runaways find their father and meanwhile the Evil Queen forces Hansel and Gretel to break into a certain other witches' lair. Related: Did you catch Lily's interview with Lana Parilla? She seems neat!
SERIES PREMIERE, 8:30 & 9:30pm, Fox
Nearly eight years after it exploded into pop culture consciousness (and then frustratingly lingered well after people became tired of it), Napoleon Dynamite is back in an only slightly more animated form. The first two episodes debut tonight (sandwiched around a new episode of Family Guy) and involve Napoleon's difficulties with his new acne cream, plus Kip dates a girl with bad taste in men (Amy Poehler).
Intensities continue to simmer when the estate is converted into a convalescent home for soldiers wounded in WWI, plus Lavinia and Sir Richard's secret is exposed to the world. Elsewhere Anna finally locates Bates and Branson schemes on behalf of Ireland. All that, plus all the nudity one can imagine! (One will have to imagine it.)
The Good Wife
The real-life issue of online bitcoin currency is tackled tonight when Alicia must defend a lawyer who won't reveal his hacker client's identity to the Feds. Elsewhere Kalinda finds herself in a no-win situation, because that is basically her hobby.
SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, Showtime
House of Lies
Episode 2 is often a better test of where a show is headed, so after Tim's mixed assessment of Episode 1, this one might make or break our interest in House of Lies. Tonight the team helps the owner of a major sports franchise deal with a messy divorce. Meanwhile Jeannie hooks up with a former boyfriend and Roscoe continues cross-dressing at school. (Fingers-crossed that they drop the freeze-frame shenanigans!)
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
2012 Golden Globes Arrivals Special, AWARDS PRESHOW, 7 p.m., NBC
60 Minutes, 7 p.m., CBS
America's Funniest Home Videos, 7 p.m., ABC
Mob Wives, 8 p.m., VH1
The Simpsons, 8 p.m., Fox
Undercover Boss, SEASON 3 PREMIERE, 8 p.m., CBS
Baseball Wives, 9 p.m., VH1
Californication, 9 p.m., Showtime
Desperate Housewives, 9 p.m., ABC
Family Guy, 9 p.m., Fox
Hoarding: Buried Alive, 9 p.m., TLC
Kevin Hart: Laugh at My Pain, ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 9 p.m., Comedy Central
Nightmare Next Door, 9 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Oprah's Next Chapter, 9 p.m., OWN
Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off, 9 p.m., Food Network
The Real Housewives of Atlanta, 9 p.m., Bravo
Shameless, 9:30 p.m., Showtime
Angry Boys, 10 p.m., HBO
Chef Roblé & Co., 10 p.m., Bravo
Finding Bigfoot, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
Hell on Wheels, 10 p.m., AMC
Kourtney and Kim Take New York, 10 p.m., E!
Leverage, 10 p.m., TNT
Pan Am, 10 p.m., ABC
Robot Chicken, 11:30 p.m., Cartoon Network
What are you watching this weekend?