It's nobody's business what we're all doing this weekend. Sure, it might involve exciting things, life-changing things even. But this weekend could also involve a lot of television and A LOT of fast food. That's why I won't even ask! Expectations can be the deaths of us sometimes. So let's just agree that there may or may not be some good stuff on:
What to watch on Friday, April 6...
For fans of The Finder, it's probably not the BEST sign that it's been moved to Friday nights, but at least you'll have an interesting guest-star in 50 Cent this week! He'll appear tonight as a music mogul looking to discover who's been leaking a deceased rapper's songs. Tune in to see funky gypsy hacker Willa putting her computer skills to the test in order to crack the case! Haha this show.
In "Everything in its Right Place," Lincoln will cross over into the alternate universe in order to assist his own doppelganger and Fauxlivia find a vigilante killer who may or may not have connections to the shape-shifters. Oh just help yourself, Lincoln!
Tonight Danny causes some drama at the department when he reopens a case in which a fireman's mysterious death was ruled a suicide. Elsewhere Jamie rescues a baby from a burning building like it ain't even a thing, but the fame he faces for his heroism jeopardizes his undercover abilities. (Hero problems.)
Love is in the air when Hank, Monroe, and Nick all make babysteps in their respective romances. But Nick's romantic getaway turns into a pretty typical nightmare when some locals end up being supernatural creatures attempting to protect a valuable treasure, obviously.
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Fred: The Show, 8 p.m., Nickelodeon
Undercover Boss, 8 p.m., NBC
Who Do You Think You Are?: Edie Falco, 8 p.m., NBC
America's Most Wanted, 9 p.m., Lifetime
CSI: NY, 9 p.m., CBS
Fairly Legal, 9 p.m., USA
Primetime: What Would You Do?, 9 p.m., ABC
20/20, 10 p.m., ABC
Dateline NBC, 10 p.m., NBC
In Plain Sight, 10 p.m., USA
The Ultimate Fighter Live, 10 p.m., FX
Magic City, SEASON 1 PREMIERE, 11 p.m., Starz
What to watch on Saturday, April 7...
Saturday Night Live
This should be fun! Modern Family's least coherent but most appealing castmember Sofia Vergara hosts tonight's episode, which also features the debut of brand-new castmember Kate McKinnon and the network debut of British petri-dish babies One Direction.
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 8pm, Lifetime
I know what you're thinking: A killer child movie! Unfortunately, no, the killer in this one is actually the biological father who menaces the couple who adopts his child. So yeah, it's probably fine if you want to skip this one and just re-watch Orphan, which is incredible.
You thought I was kidding about One Direction's bacterial properties! The boyband also appears on iCarly tonight when the star gets sick and accidentally transmits her illness to a member of the band. In other words: It has begun.
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Cops, 8 p.m., Fox
Escape Routes, 8 p.m., NBC
Must Love Cats, 8 p.m., Animal Planet
Being Human (U.K.), 9 p.m., BBC America
Parking Wars, 9 p.m., A&E;
Tanked: Unfiltered, SEASON PREMIERE, 9 p.m., Animal Planet
Suze Orman Show, 9 p.m., CNBC
48 Hours Mystery, 10 p.m., CBS
Bizarre E.R., 10 p.m., Discovery Fit & Health
Q'Viva! The Chosen, 11 p.m., Fox
What to watch on Sunday, April 8...
Game of Thrones
The only hour each week in which we really truly feel alive has arrived! Tonight's episode of Game of Thrones, entitled "The Night Lands," involves Theon's return home to deal with his father; Tyrion's ruffling of feathers around the royal court; Arya's discovery by Gendry; and Davos' plea for naval assistance from a notorious pirate! (Sigh.) Love this show so much.
SEASON 4 PREMIERE, 9pm, Showtime
In tonight's fourth season premiere of Showtime's finest hospital dramedy, the All Saints hospital is taken over by a huge corporation and changes are afoot! Meanwhile Jackie's bad times continue when she picks up a dude who goes on to have a heart attack in her apartment. Also, Kevin's looking to reconcile with her, so she'll have that to deal with also. Goodnight, nurse?
SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 10pm, Showtime
Showtime's night of a thousand premieres also includes The Borgias! "The Borgia Bull" will find the Pope throwing a pagan-themed feast for the citizens of Rome, plus Alexander's mistress discovers she's been cheated on and Cardinal Rovere is troubled when someone attempts to assassinate him. Relax, Cardinal, it happens.
In "Mystery Date," Don will have an encounter with someone from his past! Plus Joan makes an important decision and Roger makes Peggy's work life slightly more miserable than it usually is.
SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, Lifetime
The Client List
Hey, remember that 2010 TV movie The Client List that starred Jennifer Love Hewitt in a ripped-from-the-headlines scenario involving a high-class hooker ring? Well, now it's a show you can watch every week! (Finally.) In tonight's first episode, "The Rub of Sugarland," we'll get to know Riley Parks, a Texas single mom who works at a spa-slash-brothel.
Eastbound & Down
After a shaky baseball season, Kenny will attempt to get back on his coach's good side tonight, but a certain rival Russian pitcher (and top DJ) will continue to get in his way. Meanwhile Stevie will attempt to win Maria back.
SERIES PREMIERE, 11pm, AMC
AMC's programming department continues dreaming up cheap reality programming to pair with its scripted hits, so following on the heels of The Walking Dead's Comic Book Men, we've now got The Pitch, a reality series about—get this—advertising agencies! Modern day ones, though. Anyway, in tonight's premiere two agencies will compete with each other when they both pitch ad ideas to Subway executives. (Good luck topping that "FebruANY" campaign, guys.)
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
60 Minutes, 7 p.m., CBS
Dateline NBC, 7 p.m., NBC
Amazing Race, 8 p.m., CBS
Frozen Planet, 8 p.m., Discovery
Harry's Law, 8 p.m., NBC
Army Wives, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Celebrity Apprentice, 9 p.m., NBC
GCB, 9 p.m., ABC
Long Island Medium, 9 p.m., TLC
Masterpiece Classics: Great Expectations, 9 p.m., PBS
MythBusters, 9 p.m., Discovery
Nightmare Next Door, 9 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Oprah's Next Chapter, 9 p.m., OWN
The Killing, 9 p.m., AMC
The Real Housewives of Atlanta, 9 p.m., Bravo
The Big C, SEASON 3 PREMIERE, 9:30 p.m., Showtime
Breakout Kings, 10 p.m., A&E;
CSI: Miami, SEASON 10 FINALE, 10 p.m., CBS
Khloe & Lamar, 10 p.m., E!
Leave It to Niecy, 10 p.m., TLC
River Monsters, 9 p.m., Animal Planet
Shahs of Sunset, 10 p.m., Bravo
Unchained Reaction, 10 p.m., Discovery
Ice Loves Coco, 10:30 p.m., E!
Life's Too Short, SEASON 1 FINALE, 10:30 p.m., HBO
Stevie TV, 11 p.m., VH1
Unplugged: Florence + the Machine, 11 p.m., MTV
Loiter Squad, 11:30 p.m., Cartoon Network
Check it Out! With Dr. Steve Brule, 12:30 p.m., Cartoon Network
What are you watching this weekend?