Your enjoyment of this weekend is written in the stars! Your happiness is predestined! Your smile is truly meant to be! Same goes for your television, which has been looking forward to entertaining you all week. Here's how it'll do that:
What to watch on Friday, March 2...
Tonight the guys take a look into a botched jewelry store robbery in which rare coins may or may not hold a fantastical secret. Meanwhile one of Aunt Marie's friends pays Nick a visit with info about his slightly strange family.
SEASON 1 FINALE, 9pm, CBS
A Gifted Man
Say goodbye (temporarily?) to one of TV's handsomest doctors! In the season finale of A Gifted Man, Michael realizes that a new patient at the clinic has an interesting link to his deceased wife. Elsewhere Michael has a poignant reunion with an old friend who suffers from an unusual illness. Come back soon, Patrick Wilson! (Any show, doesn't matter.)
In "Chosen Path," the S-Man must rally his rebels in order to start properly defending their newfound sanctuary. Meanwhile Glaber recruits a handful of powerful new pals onto his team. It's unclear in what ways they'll be powerful, but you can bet they'll probably have a talent for poor hygiene and immodest sartorial decisions!
SERIES PREMIERE, 8pm, MTV
Presumably hoping to offset some of the bad TV karma it creates through much of its other reality programming, tonight MTV premieres this reality series about young homeless people who attempt to turn their lives around. Sad! Inspiring! 100 percent lacking in teen wolves, but no show is perfect!
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Fred: The Show, 8 p.m., Nickelodeon
Shark Tank, 8 p.m., ABC
Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 8 p.m., Cartoon Network
Undercover Boss, 8 p.m., CBS
Who Do You Think You Are?: Reba McEntire, 8 p.m., NBC
America's Most Wanted, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Gold Rush, REUNION SPECIAL, 9 p.m., Discovery
Primetime: What Would You Do?, 9 p.m., ABC
Tyler Perry's House of Payne, 9 p.m., TBS
20/20, 10 p.m., ABC
Bering Sea Gold, 10 p.m., Discovery
Blue Bloods, 10 p.m., CBS
Dateline NBC, 10 p.m., NBC
Four Weddings, 10 p.m., TLC
Merlin, 10 p.m., Syfy
Portlandia, 10 p.m., IFC
Real Time with Bill Maher, 10 p.m., HBO
Bruce Springsteen on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:35 a.m., NBC
Dennis Miller on Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS
Emily Blunt & Geoff Stults on Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
What to watch on Saturday, March 3...
Saturday Night Live
At this point the only thing more surprising than Lindsay Lohan still being alive is that she's now going to be hosting SNL for the fourth time. Congratulations, Lindsay Lohan! Tonight, whether you're a supportive fan or just a rubbernecker, tune in to see how she does and also to enjoy the sweet jams of Jack White.
SERIES PREMIERE, 8pm, Fox
Q'Viva! The Chosen
I'm just as shocked as you are that Jennifer Lopez has turned out to be a pretty darn good judge on American Idol. She's more knowledgeable about music than you'd guess from the majority of her musical output, PLUS she's incredibly charming. Q'Viva! The Chosen places her firmly in a world she understands: that of Latin singers. Joining in her search for the next big Latin sensation will be Lopez's ex-husband Marc Anthony and slightly more vibrant Jamie King.
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 8pm, Lifetime
The thing about Lifetime Original Movies is that much of the time they never live up to how good their titles are. Because LOOK at this title! Anyway, this movie tells the true tale of a suburban housewife who stabbed her husband nearly 200 times and then buried his body in the backyard. Was she merely defending herself from abuse, or was she just a blue-eyed butcher?? Good question, excellent question.
SERIES PREMIERE, 11:30pm, BBC America
Katy Brand's Big Ass Show
BBC America's really carving out a niche for itself as another Saturday night destination for sketch comedy, isn't it? Tonight sees the premiere of U.K. comedienne Katy Brand's sketch show, the aptly titled Katy Brand's Big Ass Show. In it she'll not only mock public figures but also bring in some off-the-wall original characters for your chucklin' enjoyment.
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
20/20: My Extreme Affliction, 9 p.m., ABC
Being Human (U.K.), 9 p.m., BBC America
Oddities, 9 p.m., Science
Parking Wars, 9 p.m., A&E;
The Firm, 9 p.m., NBC
Suze Orman Show, 9 p.m., CNBC
Too Cute! Kittens & Pocket Pets, 9 p.m., Animal Planet
48 Hours Mystery, 10 p.m., CBS
An Idiot Abroad: The Bucket List, 10 p.m., Science
Billy the Exterminator, 10 p.m., A&E;
Bizarre E.R., 10 p.m., Discovery Fit & Health
The Graham Norton Show, 10:15 p.m., BBC America
What to watch on Sunday, March 4...
SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, ABC
GCB (originally titled Good Christian Bitches) is ABC's newest comedy-soap and the network is probably hoping it'll take over for Desperate Housewives once that show departs our mortal realm in May. It tells the tale of a disgraced widow who returns to the affluent Dallas social circle from whence she came. As it turns out the ladies she was mean to in high school don't necessarily want her there and all sorts of drama ensues! It's unclear if this show will be a keeper or not (Lily's advice is forthcoming), but it might be worth it just to see certifiably tiny Kristin Chenoweth doing her thang.
Once Upon a Time
I mean, I'm guessing those of you OUaT die-hards can read a description like this and not write it off as ridiculous: Mary Margaret teams up with Leroy to help the town nuns sell candles at the Miner's Day Festival and also Grumpy falls in love with a clumsy fairy. Was I correct? Seems like a reasonable and compelling episode of TV? I can't tell!
SEASON 6 PREMIERE, 9pm, Lifetime
In "Winds of War," the ladies of Fort Marshall must deal with an approaching hurricane! Get out of there, ladies of Fort Marshall!
The Walking Dead
We're definitely deep into the part of the season when everyone is just getting on everyone else's damn nerves. In tonight's episode, Rick and Shane make a decision that Dale finds appalling. Plus Carl does something that has an "unexpected impact." And everyone will question why they're all hanging out together still (or at least WE will).
SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 10pm, A&E;
One of A&E;'s best (only) scripted drama series returns tonight with "An Unjust Death," in which the team of sorta-criminals tracks down a serial killer. At the same time the entire program ends up in jeopardy when Charlie is offered a promotion. (Take it, guy.)
SERIES PREMIERE, 9pm, VH1
Although this show arrives about four years after she first became popular, that doesn't make Stevie Ryan any less funny. The popular YouTube comedienne's new sketch show debuts tonight and in it she'll skewer her usual menagerie of celebrity targets: Kim Kardashian, Kendra Wilkinson, Katy Perry, Justin Bieber, and any number of other VH1 personalities. Somebody's got to! Good luck, lady.
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
60 Minutes, 7 p.m., CBS
America's Funniest Home Videos, 7 p.m., ABC
The Cleveland Show, 7:30 p.m., Fox
Amazing Race, 8 p.m., CBS
Mob Wives, 9 p.m., VH1
The Simpsons, 8 p.m., Fox
Napoleon Dynamite, SEASON 1 FINALE, 8:30 p.m., Fox
Celebrity Apprentice, 9 p.m., NBC
Desperate Housewives, 9 p.m., ABC
Family Guy, 9 p.m., Fox
Hoarding: Buried Alive, 9 p.m., TLC
Luck, 9 p.m., HBO
Nightmare Next Door, 9 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Ninja Warrior, SEASON PREMIERE, 9 p.m., G4
Shameless, 9 p.m., Showtime
The Real Housewives of Atlanta, 9 p.m., Bravo
Worst Cooks in America, 9 p.m., Food Network
American Dad!, 9:30 p.m., Fox
Storage Wars, 9:30 p.m., A&E;
Comic Book Men, 10 p.m., AMC
CSI: Miami, 10 p.m., CBS
Eastbound & Down, 10 p.m., HBO
House of Lies, 10 p.m., Showtime
Khloe & Lamar, 10 p.m., E!
My Strange Addiction, 10 p.m., TLC
Ralphie May: Too Big to Ignore, ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 10 p.m., Comedy Central
The Kandi Factory, SERIES PREMIERE, 10 p.m., Bravo
Californication, 10:30 p.m., Showtime
Ice Loves Coco, 10:30 p.m., E!
Life's Too Short, 10:30 p.m., HBO
Top Shot, 11 p.m., History Channel
China, IL, 12 a.m., Cartoon Network
Talking Dead, 12 a.m., AMC
Mary Shelley's Frankenhole, 12:15 a.m., Cartoon Network
What are you watching this weekend?