What to Watch This Weekend: Haven, True Blood, and Rosie O'Donnell on Curb Your Enthusiasm

Congratulations for making it to the weekend! What are you going to do with your days off? May I suggest baking? You can bake all kinds of delicious things and then you can leave them in the basket that I've hung outside my front door. That is my weekend suggestion for you! Hurry though, because we've both got things to watch:

What to watch on Friday, August 19...


10pm, Syfy
Things get a little too Groundhog Day for Audrey Parker when she keeps experiencing the same day over and over again. It's not really a laughing matter, though, especially when folks start getting killed because of it. This town!

10pm, Starz
Torchwood: Miracle Day
Gwen embarks on a family-protection odyssey that covers many miles and timelines and comes to discover a revelation about the mysterious origins of the titular Miracle. Is it aliens? Mystical pharmaceuticals? A child's dying wish? Tell us your secrets, Torchwood: Miracle Day!

Spike makes a very poignant decision when he leaves his dying father's bedside in order to diffuse a bomb. Congratulations to Flashpoint on four seasons of being a secret. Not-see you next summer??

8pm, Disney
Wizards of Waverly Place
The Russo siblings stop bickering for a few moments in order to blast into outer space and stop an asteroid. Fun fact: This is the exact plot of the long-rumored Michael Bay film Armageddon 2: Hispanic Child Wizards.

Friends With Benefits, 8 & 8:30 p.m., NBC
ThunderCats, 8:30 p.m., Cartoon Network
Dateline NBC, 9 p.m., NBC
Karaoke Battle USA, 9 p.m., ABC
Man vs. Wild, 9 p.m., Discovery
Tanked, SERIES PREMIERE, 9 p.m., Animal Planet
20/20, 10 p.m., ABC
Deadly Women, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Four Weddings, 10 p.m., TLC
Rhett & Link: Commercial Kings, 10 p.m., IFC
Strike Back, 10 p.m., Cinemax
Surviving the Cut, 10 p.m., Discovery
The Soup, 10 p.m., E!
Anime Iron Man, 11 p.m., G4
Rat Busters NYC, 11 p.m., Animal Planet
Whisker Wars, 11 p.m., IFC
Anime Wolverine, 11:30 p.m., G4

What to watch on Saturday, August 20...

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus
The best part about these $15-budget creature features is that for every two-second shot of a CGI creature there is a twenty-minute montage of a character running around a warehouse typing on computers. Compelling stuff! Anyway, this one is about an enormous shark that battles an enormous crocodile FROM AFRICA. (P.S. If anyone tells the Crocosaurus to "go back to Africa," I will simply pass away.)

10pm, Discovery Fit & Health
Bizarre E.R.
Gather up the family, because here's a brand-new episode of America's most heartwarming series! Tonight's episode brings us a woman who stitches her husband's arm up with her own needle and thread, a dog walker who loses a finger, and a man who gets thrown from a car accident only to become impaled on a fence post! Hurry, someone make popcorn!

Gymnastics: Visa Championships
It seems like the Summer Olympics doesn't happen very often. Like maybe only every couple of years? I don't know, the Summer Olympics is an elusive beast. So instead let's all get our ladies' gymnastics fix with tonight's broadcast of the American women's all-around competition in St. Paul. Go tiny ladies, go!

8pm, Nickelodeon
Big Time Rush
One of the musician bros accidentally proposes marriage to a foreign princess, so the rest of the bros decide they have to rescue him before the dastardly wedding can occur. "Gotta admit, bro. Stopping your wedding was a big time rush." —Bro #3.

Best of Doctor Who: The Monsters, 9 p.m., BBC America
Celebrity Ghost Stories, SEASON FINALE, 9 p.m., Bio
Suze Orman Show, 9 p.m., CNBC
48 Hours Mystery, 10 p.m., CBS
Celebrity Close Calls, 11 p.m., Biography
Pit Boss, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
Outnumbered, 11 p.m., BBC America

What to watch on Sunday, August 21...

Breaking Bad

9pm, HBO
True Blood
Marnie plans another attack on the vampires during Shreveport's FESTIVAL OF TOLERANCE. (Oh, Marnie.) Plus Sookie has second thoughts about Bill's suckiness, Bill and Nan get on each other's nerves, conflict brews between Marcus and Sam, and Jesus tries to soothe Lafayette's possession-plagued soul.

10pm, AMC
Breaking Bad
Jesse continues ingratiating himself to Mike the Cleaner, Skyler finds herself in over her head, and Walt has to deal with Walter Jr.'s teenage demands. Plus Hank, who remains awesome.

10pm, HBO
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry finds himself in an extremely sexy competition when he and Rosie O'Donnell vie for the romantic attention of a bisexual lady. Also he'll call a Japanese tradition into question and turn down a lunch date with an L.A. resident. "How rude!" —Stephanie Tanner

ORIGINAL MOVIE, 10pm, Showtime
Talihina Sky: The Story of Kings of Leon
Now that Kings of Leon are hugely successful, the usual backlash/bad buzz has begun to mount. You know, canceled tours, prima donna behavior, rumored substance abuse, things like that. This documentary aims to shed some light on their god-fearing origins in the deep south and all the guilt and glory they've endured to get where they are now. Plus they're handsome! That always helps.

My Collection Obsession
Hey look, it's like Hoarders: Buried Alive shared a jacuzzi with My Freaky Addiction and got pregnant! TLC's newest weirdo menagerie's called My Collection Obsession, and it's an hour-long special documenting collectors who spend thousands of dollars and endless hours on eBay accumulating their themed stockpiles. Tonight's subjects include Dolly Parton fanatics and a 16-year-old boy who collects vacuum cleaners. But, you know, who DIDN'T collect vacuums when they were 16?

9 & 10pm, G4
American Ninja Warrior
The semi-finalists endure another few days at the American Ninja Warrior boot camp in hopes of getting the chance to fly to Japan and take on the horrifying metal monstrosity that awaits them. In case you were wondering, this is a great show and apparently NBC agrees—the final competition will be airing Monday night on NBC!

60 Minutes, 7 p.m., CBS
Dateline NBC, 7 p.m., NBC
Big Brother, 8 p.m., CBS
Curiosity: Why is Sex Fun?, 8 p.m., Discovery
Bridezillas, 9 p.m., WE
Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, 9 p.m., VH1
Drop Dead Diva, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Hoarding: Buried Alive, 9 p.m., TLC
Leverage, 9 & 10 p.m., TNT
Sunday 20/20: The Sixth Sense, 9 p.m., ABC
The Glee Project, SEASON 1 FINALE, 9 p.m., Oxygen
The Great Food Truck Race, 9 p.m., Food Network
In the Flow With Affion Crockett, 9:30 p.m., Fox
Against the Wall, 10 p.m., Lifetime
Big Easy Brides, SERIES PREMIERE, 10 p.m., WE
Keeping Up With the Kardashians, 10 p.m., E!
Real Housewives of New Jersey, 10 p.m., Bravo
The Glades, 10 p.m., A&E;
Entourage, 10:30 p.m., HBO
Thicker Than Water: The Marinos, SERIES PREMIERE, 11 p.m., Bravo

What are you watching this weekend?

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