Today, it is June. Come Monday, it will be July. Time travel happens on a daily basis, people. I'll step away now to let that one marinate and slowly blow your minds. When you're done with your existential crisis, this list of stuff to watch will be waiting for you:
What to watch on Friday, June 29...
SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 8pm, Disney
My Babysitter's a Vampire
I'm pretty sure this series is based on my babysitter growing up—though I was pretty sure she was more of a Sabrina-esque friendly witch, ya know? Anyway, in the second season return, Sarah tries to adapt to her new vamp teeth and Ethan is obsessively committed to finding a cure for vampirism. Good luck, buddy!
LIVE EVENT, 8pm, NBC
U.S. Olympic Trials: Gymnastics
Starting to get dizzy watching the swimmers ping-pong back and forth between sides of the pool? Perfect! Because it's time for everybody's favorite summer event, gymnastics! Tonight marks Day 1 of the women's competition, which will film live out of San Jose, CA, and feature competitors Nastia Liukin, McKayla Maroney, and more. Stick those landings, girls!
Comedy Bang! Bang!
Michael Cera steps up to the Comedy Bang! Bang! plate tonight, donning a red and blue getup in the spirit of the upcoming holiday. We'll also get to hear him talk about the dream role that got away—let me guess... Ted?
This show's episode synopses just get more and more bromantic. Tonight, Travis and Wes are assigned a role-playing exercise to help them get along better. Oooh, fun! Who gets to play the nurse?
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
U.S. Olympic Trials: Swimming, 8 p.m., NBC
WWE Friday Night Smackdown!, 8pm, Syfy
America's Most Wanted, 9pm, Lifetime
Chasing UFOs, SERIES PREMIERE 9pm, NatGeo
Say Yes to the Dress, 9pm, TLC
The Ricky Gervais Show, 9 p.m., HBO
Tyler Perry's House of Payne, 9 p.m., TBS
Whale Wars, 9 p.m., Animal Planet
Gravity Falls, SERIES PREMIERE 9:30 p.m., Disney
House Hunters World Tour, 9:30 p.m., HGTV
Fashion Police, 10 p.m., E!
Insane or Inspired?, 10 p.m., Syfy
Louisiana Lockdown, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
Real Time with Bill Maher, 10 p.m., HBO
Bunk, 10:30 p.m., IFC
Blake Lively, Seth MacFarlane, and R. Kelly on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:37 a.m., NBC
Bill Murray on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Andrew Garfield on Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:34 p.m., NBC
What to watch on Saturday, June 30...
SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 9pm, Animal Planet
This season's premiere is called "Home Wreckers," so you can only guess where these maniacal animals will be wreaking havoc this time—on the homestead! I guess this is like the America's Funniest Home Videos for clueless pet owners? Anyway, I'm featuring it because it's a premiere, and also because the episode features three goats who keep climbing on their owner's car. So goats are classifiable as dogs now, is that what's happening?
LIVE EVENT, 9pm, NBC
The U.S. Olympic Trials: Track and Field
Never a dull moment in the U.S. Olympic Trials. The track and field trials are being held in beautiful Eugene, Oregon and Saturday's events will include the men's 100 meter hurdles (my fave!), the women's 200 meter heptathlon (never knew that was a word until just now), and the men's 200 meter semifinals. As Quagmire would say, "Alright, alright!"
Undercover Boss: Abroad
Because bosses just sound more bossy with accents. Saturday's episode takes place in the beautiful country of Australia and follows Scott Hutchinson, the CEO of a construction company called Hutchinson Builders, who sets out to get a first-hand look at what life is like for his workers on a job site.
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
My Cat From Hell, 8 p.m., Animal Planet
Fugitive at 17, 8 p.m., Lifetime
Princess, 8 p.m., CNBC
Victorious, 8 p.m., Nickelodeon
How to Rock, 8:30 p.m., Nickelodeon
Bigfoot, 9 p.m., Syfy
Celebrity Ghost Stories, 9 p.m., Bio
The Suze Orman Show, 9 p.m., CNBC
The High Low Project, 9:30 p.m., HGTV
Merlin, 9 p.m., BBC America
StandUp in Stilettos, 10 p.m., TV Guide Network
Tanked: Unfiltered, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
The Firm, 10 p.m., NBC
What to watch on Sunday, July 1...
SPECIAL EVENT, 8pm, BET
The BET Awards
Who's ready for some acceptance speeches? Let's do this thing. Every time a winner pulls out a pre-written novella-length thank you speech, take a long, hard sip of your
not non-alcoholic beverage. This year's performers include Nicki Minaj, Chris Brown, and Kanye West with a special tribute to Whitney Houston and Maze.
SERIES PREMIERE, 8pm, PBS
Queen & Country
In this brand new PBS series, Trevor McDonald walks viewers through the traditions and historical conventions that encompass Queen Elizabeth II and her monarchy. On Sunday, McDonald will give us an inside look into the Changing of the Guard at Buckingham Palace as well as explain who the Horse Guards are and who, exactly, is in charge of protecting the Queen. All of this info will be really critical when you decide to be Queen one day.
COMEDY SPECIAL, 9pm, CMT
Ron White's Comedy Salute to the Troops 2012
You might be thinking, "the troops, eh? What's the big occasion?" To which I reply, "Independence Day is coming, b's!" And suddenly it all makes sense—not that we should confine our troops salutes to holidays... But anyway, Ron White (who's name suspiciously reminds me of "Red White" as in "Red, White, and Blue") will get on stage Sunday night and tell a lot of jokes (most of them about America, probably) and the audience will laugh—but will you?
In "We'll Meet Again," there is literally SO much going on: Eric and Bill fear for their lives (shocking), Lafayette puts Sookie in danger (also, shocking), who starts opening up to Alcide, who has some really bad news for the Pelts—gasping for air—Roman tries to figure out who in his inner circle is a traitor, Sam gets a couple of unexpected visitors, Terry experiences a flashback, and Any and Jason are escorted by a judge to a very exclusive party—inhale! It's a lot to miss if you don't watch it, so do!
SEASON 8 PREMIERE, 10pm, Showtime
Finally! We'll figure out whatever happened to that elusive bullet, as the person it's been lodged inside is rushed to the hospital. But now the family is left to figure out who pulled the trigger. Things are certainly getting "Messy," as the episode title implies.
SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 10:30pm, Showtime
Are you watching this show, yet? Give it a shot! In the Season 2 premiere, the show-within-the-show, Pucks!, scores high ratings, which means the touchy love-triangle between writers Sean, Beverly and actor Matt (LeBlanc), will have to be dealt with somehow, either by avoiding it or addressing it, I guess. The show must go on and stuff!
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Cupcake Wars, 8 p.m., Food
Red, White and Grill, 8 p.m., Cooking
Secret Millionaire, 8 p.m., ABC
U.S. Olympic Trials: Swimming, 8pm, NBC
Drop Dead Diva, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition, 9 p.m., ABC
Falling Skies, 9 p.m., TNT
Food Network Star, 9 p.m., Food Network
Ice Road Truckers, 9 p.m., History
Keeping Up with the Kardashians, 9 p.m., E!
Masterpiece Mystery!, 9 p.m., PBS
Nightmare Next Door, 9 p.m., Investigation Discovery
The Glades, 9 p.m., A&E;
U.S. Olympic Trials: Gymnastics, 9 p.m., NBC
Army Wives, 10 p.m., Lifetime
Bridezillas, 10 p.m., WE
Longmire, 10 p.m., A&E;
Mrs. Eastwood & Company, 10 p.m., E!
Shark Wranglers, 10 p.m., A&E;
Taboo, 10 p.m., NatGeo
The Great Escape, 10 p.m., TNT
The Newsroom, 10 p.m., HBO
The Real Housewives of New Jersey, 10 p.m., Bravo
Unique Eats, 10 p.m., Cooking
The Mysterious Lost State of Franklin, 10:30 p.m., PBS
10 Things That Make Me Happy, 11 p.m., Bravo
Aqua Something You Know Whatever, 12 a.m., Adult Swim
Metalocalypse!, 12:15 a.m., Adult Swim
The Eric Andre Show, 12:30 a.m., Adult Swim
What are you watching this weekend?