What to watch on Friday, December 13...
SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 12am, Netflix
It never achieved the hype of your Orange Is the New Blacks and your House of Cardses, but this Norwegian-American drama was the very first Netflix original series. It’s also the first to drop a second season, featuring eight more episodes of ex-mobster Steve Van Zandt making a new life for himself in witness protection in Lillehammer, Norway.
8pm, The CW
The Carrie Diaries
After splitting with Weaver, Carrie finds herself the subject of tabloid rag dish in “I Heard a Rumor,” and Samantha is determined to set the story straight. Meanwhile, Walt gets Bennet’s back at Interview, Sebastian tends to Maggie in an emergency, and Mouse concocts a plan to spice up her relationship.
In “A Christmas Story,” Debbie accidentally spills the beans about Larry’s Christmas gift for Dick. Larry’s revenge? Showering the Weaver brood with presents, naturally.
After temporarily taking over as mayor of Natesville in “The Chance Who Stole Christmas,” Burt quickly becomes drunk with power and short on cheer. Then, the A-story in “Bee Story” sends Burt and Virginia undercover to find out why the town is suddenly bereft of the buzzing little buggers.
9pm, The CW
Jones seizes control of the operation from Amanda in “Pay-Off,” and his first act in charge is to offer Nikita and her team a clean slate in exchange for bailing on their mission. But the plan hits some turbulence in Pakistan, and Alex will have to outmaneuver Sam if she’s to come to the team’s rescue.
A century-old urban legend may be the impetus for a ghastly crime spree that grips Portland in “Cold Blooded,” while in Europe, Adalind meets dashing prince Alexis Denisof. Then in “Twelve Days of Krampus,” the neither holly nor jolly anti-Santa descends upon the city’s juvenile delinquents.
In “Ho’ onani Makuakane,” the attempted murder of a Pearl Harbor vet leads the squad to clues about a heinous crime that occurred in an Oahu internment camp. World War II veterans participated as extras in the episode’s filming of a remembrance ceremony at the Battleship Missouri Memorial.
SEASON 4 FINALE, 10pm, Syfy
William focuses on getting Audrey back to her former self in “The Lighthouse,” but Audrey isn’t too gung-ho about relinquishing her current identity.
Another Day, Another Time: Celebrating the Music of Inside Llewyn Davis
Jack White, Patti Smith, The Avett Brothers, and others perform songs from the new Coen brothers film, as well as tunes from the real-life 1960s.
Comedy Bang! Bang!
In what the IFC website is billing as a “lost episode,” the show’s roots are explored with the help of Cobie Smulders, Topher Grace, Phil LaMarr, a rakish magician, and other guests.
– Tyler Perry, Jonathan Kite, and Sommore on The Arsenio Hall Show, Syndicated, check local listings
– Carson Daly, magician Justin Willman, and Billy Ray Cyrus on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35pm, NBC
– Regis Philbin, John Witherspoon, and Seasick Steve on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35pm, CBS
– Ralph Fiennes, Juliette Lewis, and Austin Mahone on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:37am, NBC
– William Shatner, Michael Sheen, and The Lone Bellow on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12:37am, CBS
WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING TONIGHT?
What to watch on Saturday, December 14...
10:30am, The Hub
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic
The ponies are tasked with hoisting the Ponyville flag at the illustrious Equestria Games in “Flight to the Finish.” But Scootaloo won’t be satisfied with conveying the regal banner on foot—for this proud task, she's convinced they must to the skies.
MOVIE PREMIERE, 8pm, Lifetime
Christmas on the Bayou
A high-powered exec/lovelorn single mom looking to escape the hustle and bustle of big city life. A cable network looking to cash in on the Duck Dynasty zeitgeist any way it possibly can. Could a tranquil town in Louisiana bayou country make both of their Christmas wishes come true?
MOVIE PREMIERE, 8pm, Hallmark
Hats Off to Christmas!
After the manager of a small-town Christmas hat shop is passed over for a promotion, she must train her boss’s roguish son for the position—and falls for him in the process. Training Lesson the First: Do not consider expansion, because Hallmark Channel is one of the only economies in the world where “small-town Christmas hat shop” is a sustainable business model.
9pm, BBC America
“Twist of Fate” finds the fellas rescuing an abandoned baby from the harsh mountain wilderness, putting them on the baby-abandoners’ shit list. Even more frustrating, neither Pythagoras nor Hercules gets any of Jason’s Three Men and a Baby references.
MOVIE PREMIERE, 10pm, Lifetime
A Snow Globe Christmas
Yes yes, it’s another big-city career gal who is whisked by Yuletide circumstance into the moseying idyll of small-town bliss. But this time, it’s all because of a blow to the noggin from a snow globe, see? A magic snow globe. Or possibly a total psychotic break caused by severe head trauma. Either way, at least she’s been rescued from the pitiless hellscape of urban life and professional advancement.
WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING TONIGHT?
What to watch on Sunday, December 15...
SEASON 27 FINALE, 8pm, CBS
Survivor: Blood vs. Water
It all comes down to three castaways, two hours, and one ultimate winner after a final Tribal Council grilling. The finale is followed by all 20 of the season’s contestants gathering for the live reunion special at 10pm.
White House Christmas 2013
Host Genevieve Gorder leads you through a behind-the-scenes tour of the decking of the presidential halls. Highlights include the official Christmas tree in the Blue Room, the model White House done up in gingerbread, and the nine U.S. Air Force tactical reconnaissance drones dressed up like Santa’s reindeer.
Once Upon a Time
That rapscallion Pan is cooking up a curse in “Going Home,” and if the gang doesn’t foil his scheme, everybody in Storybrooke could wind up paying with their lives. I’m thinking maybe Pan has too much time on his hands. Shouldn’t someone just buy the dude a PS4 and be rid of him already?
“Christmas in the Car” sends the Belchers in search of a last-minute replacement for the tree that Linda accidentally kiboshed. On the road, Bob antagonizes another driver (Bobcat Goldthwait) who’s a few eggs short of a nog—and who promptly gives chase after the family.
SEASON 3 FINALE, 9pm, Showtime
What’s this? Carrie and Brody fleeing frantically from fearsome foes? Can Saul effect an elusive escape in time? Will Brody wind up redeemed—or re-dead? Tune in to “The Star” and find out—same batshit-time, same batshit-channel!
Psych: The Musical
Shawn and Gus track a vanished and dangerously bonkers playwright (Anthony Rapp) in the two-hour tune-filled extravaganza, and I can’t even tell you how stunned I am not to see an exclamation point in that title. As the singing sleuths pursue their quarry, they must turn to an old foe for clues.
Davis and Janette ring in the New Year together, Antoine takes a side gig on a movie shoot, and LaDonna offers Lambreaux her shoulder. Elsewhere in “Dippermouth Blues,” Colson’s offer to testify further sours his relationship with the police department.
“Exodus” cordially invites you to the wedding of Emily Thorne and Daniel Grayson, which is certain to proceed as smooth as silk with nary a single disruption from no, wait, never mind, all of Emily’s enemies are aligning against her. Victoria, Electro, Doctor Octopus, the whole shebang.
Stan unleashes the Krampus (Danny Glover) to teach a Yuletide lesson to a spoiled Steve in “Minstrel Krampus.” But the dark elf goes overboard in his discipline, landing Stan, Steve, and Roger deep in the figgy pudding. Ziggy Marley contributes a ditty to the episode as well.
SEASON 1 FINALE, 10pm, Showtime
Masters of Sex
As the series reaches its Season 1 climax, Bill whips out his goods at a hospital-wide presentation, but receives a limp response. Elsewhere in “Manhigh,” Ethan contemplates taking a position at UCLA, and Margaret has misgivings when Scully hopes to zap away his homosexuality through electroshock therapy.
SEASON 1 FINALE, 10pm, Lifetime
Witches of East End
As Freya prepares to walk down the aisle, Joanna and Wendy learn the shifter’s true identity in “Oh, What a World!” Meanwhile, Ingrid makes a discovery of her own, but her upsetting revelation about Mike only prompts him to accelerate his plan.
SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 10pm, Food Network
One synopsis for “Wham, Clam, Thank You, Ma’am,” includes the phrase “sundaes determine the winner,” and now I can’t stop picturing a judges’ table populated by six-foot tall glasses of sentient ice cream. Sadly, when one chef prepares clams casino with a geoduck and another whips up a whole meal using a household iron, they probably won’t face the scrutiny of a judge’s furrowed caramel brow and lone, penetrating maraschino cherry eye.
WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING TONIGHT?
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