The good news is it's the weekend. The bad news is you're going to need another weekend just to recover from this weekend! And after that weekend—you guessed it. Another weekend. Long story short, you'll need thirty or forty consecutive weekends to be fully recovered from this weekend. But, you know, anything's possible if you believe in yourself. Oh hey, watch these:
What to watch on Friday, September 16...
SEASON 4 PREMIERE, 8pm, Cartoon Network
Star Wars: The Clone Wars
Child nerds rejoice! New Star Wars stories start tonight! In the two-episode premiere, the Jedi must seek a powerful ally in an underwater civil war. (Quick question: Does it say how much each character's action figure costs DURING the show, or does one have to check online?)
ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 8pm, CBS
Bullying: Words Can Kill
Tonight 48 Hours brings us this hour-long look at bullies in our children's schools and on the internet. Fun fact: 68 percent of all online bullying is perpetrated by one guy: Phil Jamison of Toronto, Ontario. (Cut it out, Phil!)
ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 8pm, Showtime
Living for 32
In this original Showtime documentary, we'll meet Colin Goddard, survivor of the 2007 Virginia Tech shootings. His nightmarish proximity to the murders of 32 of his classmates has galvanized him to become a gun-control activist. Fair enough! Godspeed, Sir.
AWARDS SPECIAL, 8pm, NBC
2011 ALMA Awards
For a more uplifting viewing experience, why not tune into this awards special honoring achievers in the Hispanic entertainment community who will now finally get their due. On a Friday night. For an hour. Hosted by George Lopez and Eva Longoria. Whoops, sorry Hispanic community. Maybe next year?
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
SpongeBob SquarePants, 8 p.m., Nickelodeon
Wizards of Waverly Place, 8 p.m., Disney
Dateline NBC, 9 p.m., NBC
Karaoke Battle USA, SEASON 1 FINALE, 9 p.m., ABC
Man, Woman, Wild, 9 p.m., Discovery
Tanked, SEASON 1 FINALE, 9 p.m., Animal Planet
20/20, 10 p.m., ABC
Deadly Women, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Four Weddings, 10 p.m., TLC
Haven, 10 p.m., Syfy
One Man Army, 10 p.m., Discovery
Quirky, 10 p.m., Sundance
Real Time with Bill Maher, MIDSEASON PREMIERE, 10 p.m., HBO
Roseanne's Nuts, SEASON 1 FINALE, 10 p.m., Lifetime
Strike Back, 10 p.m., Cinemax
The Soup, 10 p.m., E!
Haven, 10 p.m., Syfy
Anime Iron Man, 11 p.m., G4
Whisker Wars, SEASON 1 FINALE, 11 p.m., IFC
Anime Wolverine, 11:30 p.m., G4
Anthony Head on Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS
Joy Behar on The Wendy Williams Show, 12 a.m., BET
Michele Bachmann & Jason Statham on Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:35 p.m., NBC
Paul Wesley & Kate Bosworth on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:35 a.m., NBC
What to watch on Saturday, September 17...
SEASON 3 PREMIERE, 11pm, Spike
Blue Mountain State
Scandalous photos abound when a snapshot from Alex's phone gets circulated on campus. Meanwhile Harmon's at a loss for words when he receives dirty pictures from Denise Richards and Coach Daniels. It's just another season at Blue Mountain State, you guys.
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 9pm, Hallmark Channel
Are you ready for an edgy, challenging, thrilling good time? None of those things are at play here, sorry. Instead, tune in for a pleasant yarn about an "adventurer" who takes a job at a young woman's farm. In case you're wondering, the town conspires to set them up romantically. Tons of plowing jokes, etc.
SERIES PREMIERE, 11pm, BBC America
Funny as Hell
Well, if the British insist these things are funny, they've more than earned our trust. The first of a six-part series, this show will give us a smattering of stand-up acts, musical comedy routines, sketches, and videos from some of today's most beloved comic personalities. Will any of them point out that Hell, as a concept, isn't very funny? Therein lies the mystery!
9pm, Animal Planet
Too Cute! Puppies
It's hard to say what this show is about, but it looks awful! Just kidding, that was a pair of lies. It's easy to see that (A) this thing is about three litters of puppies observed for the first few months of their lives, and (B) it looks great!
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Cops, 8 p.m., Fox
iCarly, 8 p.m., Nickelodeon U.S. Open Tennis: Women's Final, 8 p.m., CBS
Victorious, 8:30 p.m., Nickelodeon
Doctor Who, 9 p.m., BBC America
Suze Orman Show, 9 p.m., CNBC
48 Hours Mystery, 10 p.m., CBS
Bad Dog!, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
Bizarre E.R., 10 p.m., Discovery Fit & Health
Celebrity Nightmares Decoded, 10 p.m., Bio
I Faked My Own Death, 10 p.m., Discovery
What to watch on Sunday, September 18...
AWARDS SPECIAL, 8pm, Fox
The 63rd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards
Jane Lynch hosts this year's fame-based bounce house, and that's reason enough to tune in. But if you needed more reasons, the presenters will include Amy Poehler, Zooey Deschanel, Ian Somerhalder, Sofia Vergara, and Will Arnett. And if you needed still more reasons, how about the fact that we, the TV.com staff, will be LIVE-TWEETING this thing! Join us at 5pm Pacific/8pm Eastern for a snark-filled fun-fest! Bring pizza!
Walt's absence is a cause for concern when he misses Junior's birthday party. Plus Jesse struggles to run the industrial meth lab all on his own. (This is also a recurring nightmare I've been having lately. What does it MEAN?? Thanks in advance.)
Against the Wall
The hardest part of working for Internal Affairs when you're from a family full of hunky cops who run aground of the law is that hunky cops running aground of the law are constantly mad at you. Keep your chin up, Abby! Anyway, tonight Abby must look into complaints about the department's 911 response times and Donnie attempts to join the SWAT team without tons of family secrets being brought to light. Typical Donnie.
ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 10pm, VH1
Planet Rock: The Story of Hip Hop and the Crack Generation
Ice-T narrates this exploration of the historical connections between hip-hop music and the crack rock. Rappers Snoop Dogg, RZA, and Raekwon opine alongside reformed drug dealers to paint a fuller picture of the extent to which crack ravaged the same neighborhoods that produced rap's greatest legends. OR you could save yourself two hours and just watch this very stirring music video instead:
ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 9pm, Nickelodeon
Nick News with Linda Ellerbee
To the extent that Linda Ellerbee is awesome, it's pretty unfair how little credit she gets for attempting to explain complicated or unpleasant things to our kids. Lord knows WE don't want to do it. Did you catch her 9/11-for-kids special last week? Man, who else could pull that off? Anyway, tonight the world's coolest old lady in Chuck Taylors presents a special about organ donation where she'll shed some light on the circumstances in which kids must receive organ transplants, and also help explain the realities of where those organs come from. (Storks!)
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
60 Minutes, 7 p.m., CBS
Curiosity: How Will the World End?, 8 p.m., Discovery
Sunday 20/20: The Sixth Sense, 9 p.m., ABC
All American Handyman, 9 p.m., HGTV
Bridezillas, 9 p.m., WE
Drop Dead Diva, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Hoarding: Buried Alive, SEASON 3 FINALE, 9 p.m., TLC
Masterpiece Mystery!, 9 p.m., PBS
Teen Mom, 9 p.m., MTV
The Great Food Truck Race, 9 p.m., Food Network
Real Housewives of New Jersey, 10 p.m., Bravo
Squidbillies, 11:45 p.m., Cartoon Network
What are you watching this weekend?