It's been a long week full of misfortunes: An hour was stolen, your dog refused to speak English, you lost your mineral rights in the divorce, the ice cream got TOO frozen. But cheer up, it's weekendtime! And with it comes the following selection of weekend flava:
What to watch on Friday, March 16...
This sounds very serious and scary: Cursed ballet slippers! After they claim the life of a ballerina who danced herself TO DEATH, the slippers wind up in the hands of Dean who finds himself suddenly cursed. I don't mean to speak for the rest of you, but if we're denied a Dean Winchester leotard dance number we should take to the streets.
SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 9pm, USA
Remember that one show on USA with the charming brunette and the snappy editing and the blue skies? The one with lawyers. In tonight's Season 2 premiere (rumored to be the result of some major behind-the-scenes rejiggering, Kate mediates a case between a corporation and a former employee who claims he was exposed to dangerous chemicals. Guy, pretty much every break room has Diet Mountain Dew, get over it.
In "Balance," our titular badass must decide whether or not to commit a brutal act of revenge after the capture of a Roman V.I.P. Meanwhile everyone's all abuzz in Glaber's inner circle about, you know, intrigue and sex and stuff like that. You know how it is.
SEASON 5 PREMIERE, 10pm, USA
In Plain Sight
In the premiere of what's advertised as In Plain Sight's final season, Mary returns from maternity leave only to find that the vibe at her office kind of sucks now? Later, she's assigned to protect a witness who's in the crosshairs of a dangerous secret society. That's right, The Grimace. (Just kidding, very hungry.)
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Fred: The Show, 8 p.m., Nickelodeon
Nikita, 8 p.m., CW
Shark Tank, 8 p.m., ABC
Star Wars: The Clone Wars, SEASON 4 FINALE, 8 p.m., Cartoon Network
America's Most Wanted, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Primetime: What Would You Do?, 9 p.m., ABC
You Live in What?, ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 9 p.m., HGTV
20/20, 10 p.m., ABC
Bering Sea Gold, SEASON 1 FINALE, 10 p.m., Discovery
Curious & Unusual Deaths, 10 p.m., Discovery Fit & Health
Dateline NBC, 10 p.m., NBC
Four Weddings, 10 p.m., TLC
Merlin, 10 p.m., Syfy
On Death Row, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Pop-Up Video Jersey Shore, SERIES PREMIERE, 10 p.m., VH1
Real Time with Bill Maher, 10 p.m., HBO
The Ultimate Fighter Live, 10 p.m., FX
What to watch on Saturday, March 17...
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 9pm, Syfy
What's more frightening? A Blarney-powered ghoul or Billy Zane's career! Har har. Hollywood humor. Billy Zane gotta eat, y'all. In this excellent-looking film, an evil leprechaun goes on a violent rampage against the small town citizens who stole his gold. DVR it twice, just to be sure.
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 8pm, Hallmark Channel
Or if you prefer your St. Patrick's Day original telefilms to be more romantic (WHY), check out this Hallmark Channel offering in which a presumably handsome businessman travels to Ireland where he must negotiate a land deal with a presumably beautiful local leprechaun expert, but decides what he really wants to win is her heart! Maybe there are literal leprechauns in the mix also, but who knows? Do you really want to take that risk?
ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 8pm, HGTV
HGTV Dream Home Giveaway 2012
After months and months of dutifully entering this here sweepstakes giveaway of a Park City, Utah dream home and half a million dollars, the winners will finally be announced tonight. So hurry up and pick out a nice outfit in case a camera crew shows up at your apartment!
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 8pm, Lifetime
Wait, are you telling me this is the FIRST ever Lifetime movie entitled Home Invasion? Maybe it's a remake? Or like a fifth remake? Either way, this is a new movie and the plot should be obvious: A woman kills a home invader and the home invader's vengeful girlfriend decides to also invade the woman's home as a sort of revenge home invasion. Got it?
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Must Love Cats, 8 p.m., Animal Planet
Q'Viva! The Chosen, 8 p.m., Fox
20/20: My Extreme Affliction, 9 p.m., ABC
Being Human (U.K.), 9 p.m., BBC America
The Firm, 9 p.m., NBC
Suze Orman Show, 9 p.m., CNBC
Too Cute! Kitten Cottonballs, 9 p.m., Animal Planet
48 Hours Mystery, 10 p.m., CBS
Bizarre E.R., 10 p.m., Discovery Fit & Health
The Graham Norton Show, 10:15 p.m., BBC America
Katy Brand's Big Ass Show, 11:30 p.m., BBC America
What to watch on Sunday, March 18...
SEASON 2 FINALE, 9pm, AMC
The Walking Dead
Frankly, I enjoyed every single episode of this season and I don't understand where all the complaints came from. Like, y'all watched Season 1 right? It's been this way the whole time! But this isn't about me and my untarnished love for this show, this is about The Walking Dead season finale! Tonight Rick and Carl must stay safe from an invading horde of zombies while the rest of the gang openly questions Rick's leadership. Please let Carl get eaten, please let Carl get eaten...
In "Bob Day Afternoon," Bob finds himself in a stressful situation when a botched neighborhood bank robbery puts him directly in the middle of a hostage crisis. Except, you know, funny!
SERIES PREMIERE, 8pm, Discovery
This is another one of those Discovery series so important that the network simulcasts it on all its various sister channels. Frozen Planet is about the life and lackthereof at the coldest reaches of our planet. Subjects include polar bears looking to mate, penguins looking to surf, and orcas looking to terrify everything in the ocean.
Once Upon a Time
Tonight Mary Margaret must ask Mr. Gold for legal assistance when she finds herself under arrest for Kathryn's murder. Meanwhile in Bonkersville, Snow White's all, "I'm 'bout to murder this queen" and Prince Charming's like, "Relax, girl."
Eastbound & Down
In a bid to win over his teammates and establish himself as the boss of partyin', Kenny decides to throw the mother of all Fourth of July parties. Meanwhile Stevie has a tough time telling Maria what he did. Guilt-wise, but also just speaking-wise, probably.
Tonight the remaining celebrities must write and produce a viral video promoting a mop (!) and one team works a little too blue with their concept. Also, bickering.
SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 12:30am, Cartoon Network
Check It Out! With Dr. Steve Brule
This show is so funny I can't even believe it's on television. Didn't the Geneva Convention put restrictions on how funny things on TV are allowed to be? I don't know, I'm not a lawyer. I'm just happy John C. Reilly and Tim & Eric's incredible creation is back for another round. In "Boats," the esteemed Dr. Brule will (1) sample seafood and (2) protect his wallet. Everybody watch this! Six seasons and a movie! (Did I do that right?)
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
60 Minutes, 7 p.m., CBS
America's Funniest Home Videos, 7 p.m., ABC
Dateline NBC, 7 p.m., NBC
Amazing Race, 8 p.m., CBS
Harry's Law, 8 p.m., NBC
Mob Wives, 9 p.m., VH1
The Simpsons, 8 p.m., Fox
Army Wives, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Desperate Housewives, 9 p.m., ABC
Family Guy, 9 p.m., Fox
House of Consignment, SERIES PREMIERE, 9 p.m., VH1
Luck, 9 p.m., HBO
Oprah's Next Chapter, 9 p.m., OWN
Shameless, 9 p.m., Showtime
The Good Wife, 9 p.m., CBS
The Real Housewives of Atlanta, 9 p.m., Bravo
Worst Cooks in America, 9 p.m., Food Network
American Dad!, 9:30 p.m., Fox
Breakout Kings, 10 p.m., A&E;
Coming Home, 10 p.m., Lifetime
CSI: Miami, 10 p.m., CBS
GCB, 10 p.m., ABC
House of Lies, 10 p.m., Showtime
Khloe & Lamar, 10 p.m., E!
My Strange Addiction, 10 p.m., TLC
Talking Dead, 10 p.m., AMC
Unchained Reaction, SERIES PREMIERE, 10 p.m., Discovery
Californication, 10:30 p.m., Showtime
Ice Loves Coco, 10:30 p.m., E!
Life's Too Short, 10:30 p.m., HBO
Stevie TV, 11 p.m., VH1
Mary Shelley's Frankenhole, 12:15 a.m., Cartoon Network
What are you watching this weekend?