What to Watch This Weekend: The Olympic Games' Opening Ceremony, The Nerdist, and True Blood

THE WEEKEND COMETH! Somebody light the torch! No! Wrong torch!—And that's how I single-handedly ruined the Opening Ceremonies to the Olympic games tonight. I know this because I'm writing to you from the future. Just wait. You'll see. And because I'm writing from the future, I've already watched everything on TV this weekend, so I can tell you ALL about it, sans the spoilers. Let's hear it:

What to watch on Friday, July 27...

XXX Summer Olympics
Dun da dun! It's here. And it's not called the "XXX" games for NOTHIN'! Just messing with ya. It does stand for nothing. Just messing with ya again. It stands for thirty. Roman numerals, remember? And if somehow your mind found its way into the gutter throughout the course of reading this blurb, I don't blame you. There are so many directions we could take this, but I'll drive it back on course: Tonight Queen Elizabeth II, herself, will kick off the Opening Ceremony in London. And Sir Paul McCartney will perform, welcoming the world to his home turf. Let's hope it's a cool one to watch!

9pm, HGTV
You Live in What?
HGTV explores the wild and wacky habitats of humans. Yeah, you heard me: humans. Not everybody lives in a box-shaped house, you know. Some people live in missile silos and schoolhouses or barns and treehouses. It's true, and HGTV will prove it to you. So now when you think about your dreamhouse, what does it look like? (Mine's on the moon!)

10:30pm, IFC
Tonight's featured game is called "Insult the Injured." I'm not entirely sure how literal they're going to take that, but I am sure that the panelists will include Alex Borstein, Ethan T. Berlin and Jordan Klepper. If you don't have a party to attend tonight, I highly suggest you party with these guys.

Deadliest Catch, 8 p.m., Discovery
Tyler Perry's House of Payne, 8 p.m., TBS
WWE Friday Night Smackdown!, 8pm, Syfy
20/20, 9 p.m., ABC
Hollywood Heights, 9pm, Nickelodeon
Motives & Murders, 9 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Mobsters, 9 p.m., Biography
Say Yes to the Dress, 9pm, TLC
Tyler Perry's For Better or Worse, 9 p.m., TBS
3 Days to Open with Bobby Flay, 10 p.m., Food
Comedy Bang! Bang!, 10 p.m., IFC
Common Law, 10 p.m., USA
Evil, I, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Gangsters: America's Most Evil, 10 p.m., Biography
House Hunters, 10 p.m., HGTV
Homeland: Immigration in America, 10 p.m., PBS
Lost Girl, 10 p.m., Syfy
Police Women: The Lost Calls, 10 p.m., OWN
Bunk, 10:30 p.m., IFC

Edward Norton and Olivia Munn on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 1:38 a.m., NBC
Howard Stern and The Airborne Toxic Event on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Jeremy Renner and Betty White on Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 12:35 a.m., NBC

What to watch on Saturday, July 28...

XXX Summer Olympics
Enough with the Opening Ceremonies, amiright? The week kicks off with the men's and women's 400m individual medley in swimming, the men's team competition in gymnastics, and the women's teams USA vs. Australia in beach volleyball. Let the games begin! Literally.

COMIC-CON SPECIAL, 9 p.m., BBC America
The Nerdist
I just couldn't keep this one to myself. With all the hullabaloo that jammed up our server space while Comic-Con was happening, it got really, really overwhelming trying to keep up with it all, much less get a solid perspective on how the convention went, overall. Wouldn't it be nice to have the ultimate nerd-panel perspective on how it all went down now that the dust has cleared? I thought so. And that's what you'll get when The Nerdist discusses Comic-Con 2012 tonight.

My Cat From Hell, 8 p.m., Animal Planet
NYC 22, 8 p.m., CBS
Princess,8 p.m., CNBC
Bad Dog!, 9 p.m., Animal Planet
Meg's Great Rooms, 9 p.m., HGTV
The Suze Orman Show, 9 p.m., CNBC
You Gotta See This!, 9 p.m., Nickelodeon
Welcome to Sweetie Pie's: An Extra Slice, 9 p.m., OWN
Dark Matters: Twisted but True, 10 p.m., Science
Happily Never After, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Undercover Boss: Abroad, 10pm, TLC
Wicked Attraction, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery

What to watch on Sunday, July 29...

8pm, Food
Cupcake Wars
Normally this wouldn't be my first choice to feature, but tonight's episode is totally Angry Birds themed! I'm loving it already. The bakers will have to create thematic cupcakes to be served at the Angry Birds Space App kickoff party. Um, so you're telling me it's about Angry Birds AND Space?! Could a cupcake get any cooler?

9pm, HBO
True Blood
Try to keep from laughing when I tell you tonight's episode title. Ready? It's "Somebody That I Used to Know." Gotye has officially infiltrated television. While that song plays circles through your head, let me tell you what's happening in Bon Temps tonight: First, the Authority gets sent off in a different direction. Finally. Then Sookie and Jason visit their parents' death sites. Dark. I like it.

10pm, USA
Political Animals
In "The Woman Problem," Elaine makes the official family announcement that she's running for office. But Garcetti hatches a plan that will create friction between Elaine and her mentor, which knocks her off balance. Douglas, Bud, and T.J. decide to visit a pollster while en route to their fishing trip destination, and Susan lets her top-secret story slip with Alex. Yep, sounds like a show about politics!

10:30pm, Showtime
Matt LeBlanc is dealing with a stalker who friends Sean on Facebook before tracking him while he's out with Matt. Merc and Jamie's affairs hit a snag thanks to a travel agent's mistake, and Morning turns into a walking consequence of what a botched plastic surgery can look like. Yuh oh.

Big Brother, 8 p.m., CBS
Chopped, 8 p.m., Food
Jerseylicious, 8 p.m., Style
Mob Wives Chicago, 8 p.m., VH1
Nazi Underworld, TWO-HOUR SPECIAL, 8 p.m., Nat Geo
Sunday Best, 8 p.m., BET
3, 9 p.m., CBS
Bar Rescue, SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 9 p.m., Spike
Big Ang, 9 p.m., VH1
Hoarding: Buried Alive, 9 p.m., TLC
Ice Road Truckers, 9 p.m., History
Keeping Up with the Kardashians, 9 p.m., E!
Masterpiece Mystery!, 9 p.m., PBS
Nightmare Next Door, 9 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Snapped, 9 p.m., Oxygen
Breaking Bad, 10pm, AMC
Bridezillas, 10 p.m., WE
I Survived..., 10 p.m., Biography
Iron Chef America, 10 p.m., Food
Oprah's Lifeclass, 10 p.m., OWN
Strange Sex, 10 p.m., TLC
Taboo, 10 p.m., NatGeo
The Newsroom, 10 p.m., HBO
The Real Housewives of New Jersey, 10 p.m., Bravo
Weeds, 10 p.m., Showtime
Black Dynamite, 11:30 p.m., Adult Swim
Aqua Something You Know Whatever, 12 a.m., Adult Swim
Metalocalypse!, 12:15 a.m., Adult Swim

What are you watching this weekend?

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