The sun is basically shouting at you right now: "We never hang out anymore! Come outside!" And the moon is like, "I'll be tagging in at some point! Light a citronella candle and listen to the crickets with me!" But will you heed their cries or will you stay in all weekend watching TV? I recommend the first option, but if the latter ends up being the case, here are some options for you!
What to watch on Friday, May 18...
SEASON 2 FINALE, 8pm, CW
It's been a long, hard road, but Season 2 draws to a close tonight with "Homecoming," in which Michael and his titular gal pal invade Division to capture Percy while Ryan tries to convince the president not to bomb the entire facility. Meanwhile Alex and Sean get in a bit of a gunfight with the United States Marines!
SEASON 3 FINALE, 8pm, ABC
Tune in tonight to see your favorite inventors and entrepreneurs sweating EXTRA hard! Final pitches include a door-unlocking cell phone app; nitrogen gas-powered home workout equipment; anti-aging cream; and sneakers made out of garbage basically. Fine, "recycled materials." But you know what I mean.
SEASON 1 FINALE, 9pm, NBC
Like a modern day Mario and Luigi, Nick and Hank continue looking for gold coins. Meanwhile more people keep dying up in Portland and some scary lady in black arrives to make things even more fancifully sinister. Finally!
SEASON 7 FINALE, 9pm, CW
"Survival of the Fittest" is all about Leviathan endgame. Will the boys defeat Dick Roman once and for all? Let's be honest: Probably. But since this is a finale, expect some left-field incident that'll mess everything up somehow!
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Who Do You Think You Are?: Paula Deen, SEASON 3 FINALE, 8 p.m., NBC
Fairly Legal, 9 p.m., USA
Primetime: What Would You Do?, 9 p.m., ABC
The Ricky Gervais Show, 9 p.m., HBO
Tyler Perry's House of Payne, 9 p.m., TBS
Whale Wars: Viking Shores, MIDSEASON FINALE, 9 p.m., Animal Planet
TRON: Uprising, SNEAK PREVIEW, 9:30 p.m., Disney Channel
20/20, 10 p.m., ABC
Common Law, 10 p.m., USA
Dateline NBC, 10 p.m., NBC
Embarrassing Bodies, 10 p.m., Discovery Fit & Health
Magic City, 10 p.m., Starz
Real Time with Bill Maher, 10 p.m., HBO
The Ultimate Fighter Live, 10 p.m., FX
The Half Hour: Na'im Lynn & Neal Brennan, 11 p.m., Comedy Central
David Sedaris on Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, 12:37 a.m., CBS
Jason Mantzoukas on Jimmy Kimmel Live, 12 a.m., ABC
Krysten Ritter & Garbage on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 12:37 a.m., NBC
Morgan Spurlock on The Wendy Williams Show, 12 a.m., BET
Sacha Baron Cohen & Beach House on Late Show with David Letterman, 11:35 p.m., CBS
Sherri Shepherd & Tenacious D on Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 11:34 p.m., NBC
What to watch on Saturday, May 19...
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 8pm, Lifetime
Murder on the 13 Floor
When a nanny falls in love with the male half of her employers, the female half hires ASSASSINS to take her out. Haha, oh, Lifetime. You're cute when you're crazy.
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 9pm, Syfy
Mario Van Peebles stars in this very terrible-looking movie about a naval ship that attempts to prevent an alien invasion. It's DEFINITELY a coincidence that this movie's premiering the same weekend as Battleship, don't worry.
SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, H2
Serial Killer Earth
This has to be one of the all-time best titles for a TV show ever. I'm not even sure what H2 is (a History channel spin-off?), but there's a show on it all about natural disasters and it's called Serial Killer Earth! Bingo. I'm in.
SEASON 37 FINALE, 11:30pm, NBC
Saturday Night Live
Mick Jagger might not be the youngest guy in the world, let's face it, but there's a good chance that the sight of Mick Jagger in a wig MIGHT be the funniest thing we'll see all week. Seriously, just picture it. Anyway, tune in tonight to see Jagger both host AND provide the musical performances (with an assist from Arcade Fire!).
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Victorious, 8 p.m., Nickelodeon
Tanked, 9 p.m., Animal Planet
The Firm, 9 p.m., NBC
Suze Orman Show, 9 p.m., CNBC
48 Hours Mystery, 10 p.m., CBS
Bizarre E.R., 10 p.m., Discovery Fit & Health
Flipped Off, 10 p.m., A&E;
The Graham Norton Show, 11 p.m., BBC America
The Thick of It, 12 a.m., BBC America
Katy Brand's Big Ass Show, 12:40 a.m., BBC America
What to watch on Sunday, May 20...
SERIES FINALE, 8pm, NBC
Although it had some of the strongest ratings on NBC, this Kathy Bates vehicle was kicked to the curb last week, thus rendering this episode its series finale. Sorry, older demographic! In tonight's episode, Harry is rattled when her ex-husband is found dead!
SEASON 23 FINALE, 8pm, Fox
In the Season 23 (!) finale, "Lisa Goes Gaga," guest star Lady Gaga appears as Lady Gaga. After Lisa goes to pathetic extremes to boost her school popularity, the popstar is advised by a psychic impulse to seek out Lisa and help. Seems about right.
SEASON 2 FINALE, 8:30pm, Fox
In "Beefsquatch," Bob has mixed feelings when Gene dons a beefsquatch disguise and manages to upstage him during a morning news segment. I personally don't have mixed feelings at all: Beefsquatch is adorable!
SEASON 4 PREMIERE, 9pm, G4
American Ninja Warrior
Turns out Christmas comes more than once a year, because guess what's back on the air! American Ninja Warrior is one of my favorite things ever, and tonight marks the beginning of its qualifying rounds on G4. But clearly its audience has become more and more sizable so this year NBC will be covering it during primetime as well. Just be careful, all you acrobatic monkey-men!
SEASON 12 FINALE, 9pm, NBC
It's down to Arsenio Hall and Clay Aiken in Donald Trump's latest obstacle course of broken dreams. Tune in for tonight's 2-hour live finale to find out which sometime celebrity will take home the top prize! Or, you know, give away the top prize to charity. Either way, bet on Lily Sparks' recap being as killer as always.
Game of Thrones
In "The Prince of Winterfell" we'll find out just which two children Theon had burned alive. Meanwhile Jaqen suddenly doesn't appreciate how Arya chooses to honor their debt, Robb is betrayed, and Tyrion comes to an agreement with Varys. (Ugh, I can't believe this season is so close to over.)
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 9pm, CBS
Jesse Stone: Benefit of the Doubt
Tom Selleck returns tonight as the titular hero, and he'll investigate a mob-related double homicide all while trying to get his old job back. One thing at a time, Jesse Stone.
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
60 Minutes, 7 p.m., CBS
America's Funniest Home Videos, 7 p.m., ABC
Dateline NBC, 7 p.m., NBC
The Cleveland Show, 7:30 p.m., Fox
Billboard Music Awards, AWARDS SPECIAL, 8 p.m., ABC
Kiss at Pine Lake, ORIGINAL MOVIE, 8 p.m., Hallmark
Mob Wives, 8 p.m., VH1
Adventure Time, 8:30 p.m., Cartoon Network
Army Wives, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Family Guy, SEASON 10 FINALE, 9 p.m., Fox
Food Network Star, 9 p.m., Food Network
Keeping Up With the Kardashians, SEASON 7 PREMIERE, 9 p.m., E!
MythBusters, 9 p.m., Discovery
Nurse Jackie, 9 p.m., Showtime
Oprah's Next Chapter: Carrie Underwood, 9 p.m., OWN
Sherlock, 9 p.m., PBS
Sister Wives, 9 p.m., TLC
The Killing, 9 p.m., AMC
Wilson Phillips: Still Holding On, SEASON 1 FINALE, 9 p.m., TV Guide Channel
The Big C, 9:30 p.m., Showtime
Mad Men, 10 p.m., AMC
Mrs. Eastwood & Company, SERIES PREMIERE, 10 p.m., E!
The Borgias, 10 p.m., Showtime
The Client List, 10 p.m., Lifetime
The Real Housewives of New Jersey, 10 p.m., Bravo
Veep, 10 p.m., HBO
Girls, 10:30 p.m., HBO
Hannibal Buress: Animal Furnace, ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 11 p.m., Comedy Central
The Pitch, 11 p.m., AMC
Loiter Squad, 11:30 p.m., Cartoon Network
Metalocalypse, 12:15 a.m., Cartoon Network
The Eric Andre Show, 12:30 a.m., Cartoon Network
What are you watching this weekend?