You've spent most of the year building an elegant leather orca saddle and now you're finally ready to test it out! But wouldn't you know it, irony of ironies, all the orcas went away. So consider this list of television programs your Plan B for the weekend, and keep your chin up, okay? You'll ride an orca someday.
What to watch on Friday, October 21...
Buffy's Charisma Carpenter and Buffy's James Marsters guest star as a jealous witch and the husband who scorns her, causing her to unleash her wrath upon the entire small town where they reside. Only a pair of gravel-voiced brothers stand in her way.
SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, Starz
Kelsey Grammar starz in this gritty political drama about a bossy mayor who runs for governor despite a serious medical diagnosis. Will it contain as much violence, homoeroticism and male nudity as fellow Starz drama Spartacus: Blood and Sand? Tune in to find out!
SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, Animal Planet
My Extreme Animal Phobia
If you enjoy watching ordinary hard working citizens squirm and scream at the sight of ordinary creatures, tune in for this fun-sounding Animal Planet series. Tonight's scaredy-cats include Marvin, who is terrified of pit bulls; Seth who hates snakes (I'm with Seth!); and Jahara with her crippling fear of spiders that hide in the air conditioner. Oh come on, Jahara, those spiders are just chillin'.
ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 9pm, PBS
American Masters: Pearl Jam Twenty
Twenty years ago, did anyone imagine Pearl Jam would (a) still exist in 2011 and (b) be the subject of a PBS special? Well the earth spins ever onward and both of these things have come to pass, with positive results! Tune in for this special which looks back at the 20 years since "Ten" was released.
The Wendy Williams Show
I'm not sure how many people have been paying attention, but Wendy Williams' talent bookers have been KILLING it lately. Take tonight's show, which features not only Whoopi Goldberg, but also the cast of the new Broadway version of "Sister Act"! Could a Kathy Najimy drop-in be in the cards? What about that redheaded nun with the bodacious voice? I don't know, I don't want to make promises that might enrage the gods. "Release the [Wendy Williams]!" -Zeus
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
A Gifted Man, 8 p.m., CBS
Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, 8 p.m., ABC
Kitchen Nightmares, 8 p.m., FOX
Nikita, 8 p.m., CW
SpongeBob SquarePants, 8 p.m., Nickelodeon
Wizards of Waverly Place, 8 p.m., Disney Channel
Phineas & Ferb, 8:30 p.m., Disney Channel
CSI: NY, 9 p.m., CBS
Dateline NBC, 9 p.m., NBC
Tyler Perry's House of Payne, MIDSEASON PREMIERE, 9 p.m., TBS
20/20, 10 p.m., ABC
Blue Bloods, 10 p.m., CBS
Real Time with Bill Maher, 10 p.m., HBO
Sanctuary, 10 p.m., Syfy
Strike Back, SEASON 1 FINALE, 10 p.m., Cinemax
The Soup, 10 p.m., E!
Twisted, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Marvel Anime: X-Men, SERIES PREMIERE, 11 p.m., G4
Viper's Creed, SERIES PREMIERE, 11:30 p.m., G4
What to watch on Saturday, October 22...
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 8pm, Nickelodeon
Fred 2: Night of the Living Fred
Don't look at me with those accusing eyes: YOUR CHILD did this. Yes, the crazy-popular meme-turned-millionaire Fred Figglehorn returns for his SECOND movie tonight, this one a Halloween romp involving Fred's suspicion that his music teacher has been replaced by a vampire. Even though I am NOT responsible for this (YOUR CHILD IS), I will probably watch this. I liked the first movie, deal with it.
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 9pm, Hallmark Channel
After a young boy and his family move into a new house in a new town, he quickly befriends the angry ghost living in the attic played by Martin Mull, obviously. Will the boy get to the bottom of why Martin Mull ghost is so angry? Or will he grow up living in abject terror due to the Martin Mull ghost that lives in his attic! I don't have all the answers.
ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 8pm, HGTV
Halloween Block Party 2011
Three houses in a cul-de-sac get the HGTV Halloween makeover treatment, including decor themed after popular horror movie scenarios like a mad scientist's lab, a slasher motel and a witch house. (A fourth house in the cul-de-sac had previously been decorated with a Cat Hoarding theme.)
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
World Series Game 3, 7:30 p.m., Fox
Dogs 101, 8 p.m., Animal Planet
Austin City Limits: The Decemberists, 9 p.m., PBS
Bedlam, 9 p.m., BBC America
Suze Orman Show, 9 p.m., CNBC
48 Hours Mystery, 10 p.m., CBS
Bizarre E.R., 10 p.m., Discovery Fit & Health
Puppies vs. Babies, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
Free Agents (U.K.), 11 p.m., BBC America
What to watch on Sunday, October 23...
The Walking Dead
Problems continue for the gang when Rick pursues some much-needed medical treatment for the [spoiler] who was [spoiler] at the [spoiler] [spoiler] [spoiler] flamethrower [spoiler] [spoiler] curry [spoiler] [spoiler] under the [spoiler]. Plus Shane breaks off for a supply run and encounters a stressful situation or two, and all the zombies are like "Hey, what y'all doing?" [spoiler]
SERIES PREMIERE, 8am, ABC
Once Upon a Time
An ordinary woman arrives in Storybrooke, Maine, and discovers she holds the key to unlocking real-life storybook characters from the spell under which they live. Sounds ridiculous, but this thing has the backing of noted Whedon-ist and Battlestarrer Jane Espenson, plus our own TV.com critic Lily Sparks dug it. So why not?
Miami Metro looks into that whole "corpses riding horses" incident from last week and not surprisingly surmise the murders may be religion-motivated. Elsewhere Deb continues to struggle with her new boss lady duties, Dexter will continue to explore his lack of religious faith, and at least 20 minutes of the episode will be frustratingly forgettable.
The Good Wife
The very excellent Dylan Baker guest stars as a convicted killer whose testimony Alicia needs to make her case. Elsewhere Eli makes some behind-the-scenes maneuvering on Peter's behalf. Plus an office potluck! Just kidding, these people hate potlucks so much.
Brody's erratic behavior starts threatening his viability as a national hero, plus Carrie attempts to link him to a terrorist financier's money trail. Plus an office potluck! Just kidding again, sorry. I'm so hungry.
ER's Goran Visnjic guest stars as a handsome passenger who finds himself the object of attention for both Kate and Maggie, though Kate will soon discover he's actually involved in her next covert mission. Aren't they all?
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
60 Minutes, 7 p.m., CBS
America's Funniest Home Videos, 7 p.m., ABC
World Series Game 4, 7:30 p.m., Fox
Amazing Race, 8 p.m., CBS
Making Monsters, SEASON 1 FINALE, 8 p.m., Travel Channel
Against the Wall, SEASON 1 FINALE, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Boardwalk Empire, 9 p.m., HBO
Bridezillas, 9 p.m., WE
Desperate Housewives, 9 p.m., ABC
Masterpiece Mystery!, 9 p.m., PBS
Nick News with Linda Ellerbee, ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 9 p.m., Nickelodeon
Sister Wives, 9 p.m., TLC
CSI: Miami, 10 p.m., CBS
Hung, 10 p.m., HBO
Kendra, 10 p.m., E!
Long Island Medium, 10 p.m., TLC
Real Housewives of New Jersey, 10 p.m., Bravo
Dirty Soap, 10:30 p.m., E!
How to Make It in America, 10:30 p.m., HBO
Talking Dead, 11 p.m., AMC
Robot Chicken, MIDSEASON PREMIERE, 11:30 p.m., Cartoon Network
Squidbillies, 11:45 p.m., Cartoon Network
China, IL, 12:00 a.m., Cartoon Network
What are you watching this weekend?