If summer is like a three-month weekend, then August is basically the Sunday of that weekend. Like, it's technically a day off, but there's a growing anxiety about having to return to work that almost ruins it? Anyway, I bring it up because in my opinion you should skip TV and just spend the weekend innertubin' or camping under the stars or whatever. But that's just my opinion— you could watch TV too. It's your call! I won't judge.
What to watch on Friday, August 5...
SERIES PREMIERE, 8 & 8:30pm, NBC
Friends With Benefits
It's been over a year since Friends With Benefits was introduced as part of NBC's fall 2010 lineup, but only tonight does it finally hobble into our living rooms. Will it suffer from sharing a name with a still-in-theaters movie, or will it suffer from having the same premise as every other modern romantic comedy? Who cares, it stars Party Down's Ryan Hansen, so it's definitely got that going for it.
Torchwood: Miracle Day
Well, the immortality party couldn't last forever! Tonight death and destruction creep ever closer to our band of heroes when they go undercover to discover what caused The Miracle.
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 8pm, Disney Channel
Phineas & Ferb: Across the 2nd Dimension
Everyone knows Phineas & Ferb is the least-terrible thing on the Disney Channel, so get excited about this all-new Phineas & Ferb TV movie! When our heroes find themselves in an alternate reality where all summer-related things have been outlawed, they must battle the dastardly Dr. Doofenshmirtz to restore reality to the Tri-State area. Or something. (Ask your kids.)
Another day, another onslaught of random, public deaths. Tonight mysterious electrocutions strike the world's worst town, killing a community leader in the process. Plus Nathan gets closer to discovering the town's secrets.
SERIES PREMIERE, 11pm, IFC
This one ought to appeal to a very specific subset of y'all—it's a reality series about competitive beard-growers! Tonight's premiere documents a national beard competition in Bend, Oregon.
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Flashpoint, 8 p.m., CBS
Platinum Hit, SEASON 1 FINALE, 8 p.m., Bravo
ThunderCats, 8:30 p.m., Cartoon Network
Dateline NBC, 9 p.m., NBC
Primetime: What Would You Do?, 9 p.m., ABC
Whale Wars, 9 p.m., Animal Planet
20/20, 10 p.m., ABC
Deadly Women, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Four Weddings, MIDSEASON PREMIERE, 10 p.m., TLC
Pauly Shore's Vegas Is My Oyster, ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 10 p.m., Showtime
Real Time with Bill Maher, 10 p.m., HBO
Rhett & Link: Commercial Kings, 10 p.m., IFC
Sex Change Hospital, 10 p.m., Discovery Fit & Health
The Soup, 10 p.m., E!
What to watch on Saturday, August 6...
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 8pm, NBC
Who Is Simon Miller?
Don't worry, the question is rhetorical! If you watch this TV movie you will find out more about Simon Miller than you'd ever dreamed possible. It's about a dude who vanishes, and when his wife (played by Robyn Lively from Teen Witch —top that!) goes to look for him, she realizes he'd been leading a double/triple/quadruple life. Lifetime, call your lawyers.
ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 11pm, Comedy Central
Michael Ian Black: Very Famous
Michael Ian Black is one-third of Stella and one-tenth of The State, but he's also 100 percent great. So be sure and watch this all-new solo standup hour filmed at Philadelphia's Trocadero Theatre, during which he'll be smarmin' and charmin' the nation.
Celebrity Ghost Stories
Listen, it's easy to laugh off the ghost stories of celebrities like Brett Butler, Phil Varone, or Ana Gasteyer, but when Cassandra Peterson (aka ELVIRA) wants to tell you about the evil ghost that's been bothering her, YOU SHOULD LISTEN. We all should.
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
Dogs 101, 8 p.m., Animal Planet
Outcasts, SEASON 1 FINALE, 9 p.m., BBC America
Suze Orman Show, 9 p.m., CNBC
When Fish Attack 2, SHARK WEEK SPECIAL, 9 p.m., Discovery
48 Hours Mystery, 10 p.m., CBS
Graham Norton Show, 10 p.m., BBC America
Pit Boss, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
Celebrity Close Calls, 11 p.m., Biography
What to watch on Sunday, August 7...
The vacation-from-stress is over when The Cartel suddenly shifts into gear, plus Skyler and Walt have to have "a talk" with their family and Jesse suddenly finds himself in a bit of a jam. Dang, these people need a day at the water park or something.
AWARDS SPECIAL, 8pm, Fox
Teen Choice Awards 2011
The Big Bang Theory's Kaley Cuoco hosts this thing, which is theoretically an awards show, but is mostly just a parade of celebrities trying to raise their worth in a lucrative demographic. But then again, this show DID add an amazing new category: Best Vampire! Oh, all right.
Dios mio! The Spanish witch possessing Marnie sets a vampire holocaust in motion, plus Bill snaps into action, Jessica re-evaluates her relationship with Hoyt, Andy goes on a date with Holly, and Alcide and Debbie adjust to their new wolf pack. And also some other things that will make me amazed that this is a television show that's on the air.
Curb Your Enthusiasm
After Larry lies to get out of attending a charity function, he suddenly has to make travel plans in order to make his alibi come true. Plus Susie gets bossy when it comes to her dying dog's last meal. Plus Super Dave? (Love that guy!)
ORIGINAL MOVIE, 7pm, ABC Family
Don't let anyone tell you that dying is the easy way out. The afterlife can be VERY complicated, especially when you're a deceased mean girl who must transform a still-living lady geek into the prom queen in order to get into Heaven. (You know what else is very complicated, apparently? Coming up with a good premise for a movie.)
SEASON 1 FINALE, 9 & 10pm, TNT
This show got good JUST IN TIME. Hopefully tonight's two-hour season finale will make us actually look forward to next season rather than shrug forever onward? First the 2nd Massachusetts will face mutiny within its ranks, then it'll press on with an attack against the alien stronghold. Plus we might actually figure out what the aliens want? Imagine that!
PLUS NEW EPISODES OF...
60 Minutes, 7 p.m., CBS
Dateline NBC, 7 p.m., NBC
Big Brother, 8 p.m., CBS
Curiosity: Did God Create the Universe?, SERIES PREMIERE, 8 p.m., Animal Planet & Discovery & Discovery Fit & Health & Investigation Discovery & TLC
Season 25: Oprah Behind the Scenes, 8 p.m., OWN
Ty's Great British Adventure 2011, ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 8 p.m., ABC
American Ninja Warrior, 9 & 10 p.m., G4
Bridezillas, 9 p.m., WE
Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, 9 p.m., VH1
Drop Dead Diva, 9 p.m., Lifetime
Food Network Star, 9 p.m., Food Network
Marriage Ref, 9 & 10 p.m., NBC
Same Name: Mike Tyson, 9 p.m., CBS
The Glee Project, 9 p.m., Oxygen
Against the Wall, 10 p.m., Lifetime
Behind the Music: Adam Lambert, 10 p.m., VH1
Hillbilly Handfishin', SERIES PREMIERE, 10 p.m., Animal Planet
In Plain Sight, SEASON 4 FINALE, 10 p.m., USA
Jim Jefferies: Alcoholocaust: Life From London, ORIGINAL SPECIAL, 10 p.m., Showtime
Keeping Up With the Kardashians, 10 p.m., E!
My Strange Addiction, SEASON 2 FINALE, 10 & 10:30 p.m., TLC
Real Housewives of New Jersey, 10 p.m., Bravo
Ryan & Tatum: The O'Neals, 10 p.m., OWN
The Glades, 10 p.m., A&E;
Entourage, 10:30 p.m., HBO
Ice Loves Coco, SEASON 1 FINALE, 10:30 p.m., E!
Tanked, SNEAK PREVIEW, 11 p.m., Animal Planet
What are you watching this weekend?