What to watch on Wednesday, September 12...
Alright, listen, there are only ten official days left of summer, so we'd better make the most of it. Quick, run outside and look surprised to see the sun. That should do it! Then return to your humble abode and shut yourself in with the following, your television line-up for the night:
SEASON 2 PREMIERE, 8pm, Fox
The X Factor
It feels like you can't make it a couple of weeks without coming across auditions on TV. Tonight, the lines of hopefuls screaming into the cameras and sharing their sob stories and justifying their self-aggrandizing delusions will be trying out for the second season of The X Factor in front of judges Britney Spears, Demi Lovato and Simon Cowell. Will this fresh panel of judges make for a more successful season this year? Or is the new lineup just setting us up for a more apropos rendition of "Oops I did it again" featuring Simon Cowell? Because I'd kind of pay to see that.
SERIES FINALE, 9pm, DirecTV
It has come to my attention that in my daily scroll through TV listings from multiple trusted sources, none of them acknowledge the DirecTV channel as a legitimate network, and as such I have been missing Damages updates all season, MUCH to the dismay of many of you—especially today, as you've made yourselves loud and clear (and kind of mean?). Anyway, this really is a fantastic show and because of that tonight's season (and series) finale really shouldn't be missed. In it, the terrorization between Patty and Ellen will finally come to a head, but I won't tell you how, because when it comes to series finales I think it's best to keep it as vague as humanly possible. So we'll just leave it at that.
In "Something Fishy This Way Comes" Boris asks Hank to travel half-way around the world with him in order to tend to Dmitry, but as Hank and Harper grow closer, the decision becomes slightly more difficult. Also, Paige continues to figure out how to cope with the aftermath of an undisclosed family secret. And, just like last week, Evan is still trying to be as supportive as ever.
SERIES PREMIERE, 10pm, NBC
Guys With Kids
Oh, hey, this is new. In the series premiere we, the audience, are introduced to three dads in their mid-thirties who are all just barely equipped to be fathers, but we want to love them anyway. Chris wants to go to a basketball game, so he tries to find a babysitter without his ex-wife finding out about it. Nick forgets about an important event that he promised his wife he'd attend. And, last but not least: Gary and Marny are desperate for time away from the baby, and they go to some pretty creative lengths to get it. Dads being dads, am I right?
SEASON FINALE, 10pm, MTV
The Real World: St. Thomas
It's the end of a tropical era for this season's Real World cast. What's going to happen!? Honestly, MTV is keeping this one pretty close to the chest, so I really don't know what to expect: Will someone get thrown overboard while commuting to his aquarium job? Will somebody stir up some drama at the last minute by flirting with some dude she doesn't care about? Will somebody cry upon having to say goodbye? Anything is possible.
Top Chef Masters
Everything is on the line in tonight's "Foodie Flash Mob." The chefs will participate in an underground dining event and will be challenged to create a picnic feast. It's not enough to feed an army, folks, it's enough to feed a flash mob.
PLUS ALL NEW EPISODES OF...
Big Brother, 8 p.m., CBS
Oh Sit!, 8 p.m., The CW
Abandoned, 9 p.m., NatGeo
America's Got Talent, 9 p.m., NBC
American Greed: The Fugitives, 9 p.m., CNBC
Ghost Hunters, 9 p.m., Syfy
Great Performances at the Met, SPECIAL, 9 p.m., PBS
Not My Mama's Meals, 9 p.m., Cooking
Buying and Selling, 9 p.m., HGTV
Restaurant: Impossible, 9 p.m., Food
Sons of Guns, 9 p.m., Discovery
Storage Wars Texas, 9 p.m., A&E;
Toy Hunter, 9 p.m., Travel
Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry?, 9 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Cajun Pawn Stars, 9:30 p.m., History
Dirty Little Lies, 9:30 p.m., Investigation Discovery
American Hoggers, 10 p.m., A&E;
American Restoration, 10 p.m., History
Auction Hunters, 10 p.m., Spike
Dirty Jobs: Down Under, 10 p.m., Discovery
Family Guns, SEASON PREMIERE, 10 p.m., NatGeo
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, 10 p.m., TLC
I Married a Mobster, 10 p.m., Investigation Discovery
Paranormal Witness, 10 p.m., Syfy
Restaurant Stakeout, 10 p.m., Food
The Real World: St. Thomas, SEASON FINALE, 10 p.m., MTV
The Soup, 10 p.m., E!
Top Chef Masters, 10 p.m., Bravo
House Hunters International, 10:30 p.m., HGTV
What are you watching tonight?